3

I can't believe you would be three years old. I sit and wonder about you all of the time. There are days I sit at my desk at work and wonder how I am alive with out you.

I decided not to take your birthday off. I decided I would be ok for 5 hrs of work and that I would be able to have some me time in there since I work mostly alone. I sit here on the eve of your day and realize that was a dumb decision. I almost didn't make it through today. I want to know what you would look like, I want to know what you would sound like, I want to know what all your favorite things are. And yet I never will. I am heart broken everytime I think about all the things I will never know about you. I don't know how to explain this pain except that it is a crushing weight. I miss you and I want you with me. I barely even had the chance to have you before you were taken from me. Little things I'll never get to do for you. Simple things we will never say to each other. My coping skills need to be in point tomorrow. One way or another I'll make it though. I'll smile like I haven't been crying all day and I will sit at my desk and pretend I'm not devistated that on your third birthday I'll visit the grave yard instead of the toy store.

I love you guys so much. One day I'll get to see you and hold you close. The way a mother should hold her children. Until then I'll do the best I can. I'll live each day as it comes and try not to get overwhelmed. I'll smile and nod when people say all the wrong things and I will cherish the moments and memories I have with you.


You will always be my baby Girls,
Love, Mom

2016

Joshua's birthday was 2 weeks ago. I hurt on his day. We took him blue and white flowers and I spent the day in a hole. I made Oreo Truffles instead of a cake and we sung happy birthday. And I cried... A lot.... I miss him ... A lot. I miss him more that I ever thought you could miss another person. I just wish I could hold his hand for a little while. Or run my fingers through his hair. 

We are 4 hours from the start of the new year. I'm excited about what God has planned for my family. I don't like the thought on New Years resolution but I do love having goals. 

My sister, mom and I have been making diapers and supplied our hospital along with a few others with Teen Tear diapers. And my sister has made a contact with the funeral home that we use. Apparently a lot of moms use them. They contacted her about getting diapers for the babies that come in without anything. We found out what hospital the babies come from that don't have anything. We are working on getting diapers in the hospital and at the funeral home. We want all babies to have these diapers! 

So one goal for the year is to have this done.

Second goal is a support group. This is something I've been thinking about and thinking about starting a nonprofit organization for. But with some input I think it may fit inside a nonprofit that already exists. 

Third a job. One that will allow me to be involved in the nonprofits that are doing amazing work and allow me to be with God and my family more than the job I have now. I've been praying and I believe he's opening doors for me. I just have to be patient and faithful.  

Non-Understanding

Is that a word? Maybe it's two as in Not Understanding. Maybe there is another word. Nomally you put "un" in front of something to show its opposite of what you're trying so say. Unapologetic = not apologetic. Un-sportsmanlike = bad attitude. But it's not Un-understanding. And this type is not confusion, or maybe it is. Maybe it's the lack of knowledge to know better. To do better. Maybe it's just mankind being Un-kind. Maybe I am less understanding of people who don't get it. 

This is the same as when people as how you are. They don't really wanna know. And you say anything more than "ok or making it" and you get strange looks. Well you asked! So when, you ask someone "why" or if someone tells you "I promise you, you don't wanna know" believe them. There are things that happen to people that you don't wanna know about. You may think you do. But honestly you don't. 

Day 3

In Honor 

Day 2

Intentions 

#captureyourgrief #day2 #intentions  #whathealsyou I intend to live my life full of love and laughter. My babies have taught me just how frail life can be, no waiting for tomorrow, no saving happiness for later. We are here now, we are alive and my story isn't over yet. It didn't end when my children died. As hard as it is to live without them, I know I must. I must finish my story.

Capture your grief Day 1

Sunrise 

Capture your Grief 2015

For Emi

There are no words to say that will express the amount of sadness I've felt the past few days. I'm Heartbroken for my sister as she yet again lays a baby to rest. Emi is my Niece. She was born on July 23,2015. She weighed 14.25 ounces and was so beautiful.

I had pretty much ended this blog. The more I thought of Emi, Meredith, Hope, Faith and Joshua over the past few days made me want Emi to have her place here too. So I'm keeping her memory here, along with my babies and her sister so they can all be remembered together.

I've also decided to update when we make moves in the baby loss community. donations as well as fundraising for Children will be blogged here.  However I still feel I've moved on from blogging so much of my emotions.

Twins

I have never been around a lot of twins. When I was growing up in the late 80s early 90s twins were not as common as they are now. Haleigh had 2 kids in her class alone with a twin this year. I hadn't realized how many twins were at her school. Now think, she goes to a city school. Rather small compared to neighboring district schools. There are roughly 200 kids in each grade. Haleigh is in kindergarten. At graduation (last Tuesday) they decided to bring out a set of twins who were getting ready to graduate high school and ask all the twins graduating kindergarten to stand beside them, to show what 12 years looks like. All I could think then and even now is how I have twins and no one will ever see them up there set apart from others because they are a twin. There were 5 sets in our group or graduates. We had the 7pm time slot. The other 1/2 of kindergarten graduated at 5pm with another 4 sets of twins. Add that together. 9 yes, 9 sets of twins in Haleigh's grade. 18 kids who have a twin. Heck that's a whole class by themselves.

I looked at them and it sent me back. Remembering how I felt expecting twins and then how I felt knowing they would never have a kindergarten graduation and with the older ones standing there with the younger ones. Knowing they will never get there either. I wanted to shout that I am missing my twins. But, I didnt. I sat there and smiled at my little girl. The youngest living child I have. I watched her sing and dance and be happy. And while nothing will ever take away the pain of losing my babies, and nothing will ever replace them. I looked at my daughter and I had a calm wash over me. Telling me, you made it. It's ok. Be at peace and rest.

And for that I think it's time. Time to end the blog. I won't take it down and I may even post little letters on their birthdays. This blog was such a life line to me. And I will be forever greatful for it, I don't need it anymore. Sometime I even feel like I am drowning when I write here now. That's how I know. It's time. The time I needed to write everything down and cry it out is over. The time to go foward and leave this here is now.


End....

Life

Sometimes I don't even know what to title these post anymore.
Sometimes I feel like I'm writing the same stuff over and over.
Sometimes I feel like no one wants to hear me.
Sometimes I feel like I should be getting to a place where I don't need this.
Sometimes I feel like I should be happier.

Life keeps going and I can't make it stop.
Life gets in the way when we want it to go as planned.
A jumbled up mess is what's left.
Hiding from life, staying inside.
Not an option.
Get up, get dressed, smile.... Repeat.
And so goes the day.

Somedays I just miss them and my heart hurts.
Somedays I just want to sit and hold them.
Somedays I wish I could get another day.
Somedays I wonder what your laugh would sound like.
What our days would be like, how your eyes would shine.
   And I miss you.