Life

Sometimes I don't even know what to title these post anymore.
Sometimes I feel like I'm writing the same stuff over and over.
Sometimes I feel like no one wants to hear me.
Sometimes I feel like I should be getting to a place where I don't need this.
Sometimes I feel like I should be happier.

Life keeps going and I can't make it stop.
Life gets in the way when we want it to go as planned.
A jumbled up mess is what's left.
Hiding from life, staying inside.
Not an option.
Get up, get dressed, smile.... Repeat.
And so goes the day.

Somedays I just miss them and my heart hurts.
Somedays I just want to sit and hold them.
Somedays I wish I could get another day.
Somedays I wonder what your laugh would sound like.
What our days would be like, how your eyes would shine.
   And I miss you.

Don't forget

There are times when I sit still and wonder if I'm the only one that remembers they existed. I walk around with pieces of myself missing and I wonder if anyone realizes how broken I am. Dose anyone care anymore. Have they been forgotten by everyone but me. 

And then God sends me an Angel. Someone who reminds me that I am not alone. It never fails to come when I need it the most. And yesterday that Angel was my sister, who was at the beach and thought of my children. 

She knows how much it means that she remembers them. 

So a reminder to everyone everywhere. 

Speak their names, it's not going to upset us. We want to hear their names, see them written. We never thought we wouldn't get the chance to speak their names forever. You will not remind us that they are gone. We never forget they are missing. 

 

Recovery at 2 weeks

My hystorectomy was 2 weeks and 4 days ago. I am recovering really well. Better than when I had my tubes tied even. It feels much like a natural delivery recovery. So I have to remind myself that I had major surgery.  

I saw my doctor on Thursday he said my incisions look real good. All of my test came back good and I'm tired all the time because I'm recovering. He explained that just because I wasn't cut wide open and didn't have a long hospital stay doesn't mean I didn't have a major surgery. He removed an organ that I was born with and I need to act like it. 

So over the last few days I've taken more naps, and rested as much as I can. And I'm not as tired or sore. My soreness isn't really pain but he said to take my Motrin for the soreness and it's helped me relax and sleep at night. 

On another note I also got my BRACA test results back. Since my mother has Breast cancer I now have Cancer on both sides of my family. That qualified me to have my insurance pay for the test. I will say I was nervous. I am however happy to announce I am Negative. I will have to be watched closer. Since my mom has Cancer I have a 1 in 5 chance of having it in my life time. With no family history its 8%. And if I had the gene it would have been 4 in 5. I feel beyond blessed to not have the gene. He said while my mom and sisters have a slight chance of still having the gene knowing that I don't should relax everyone, and it has. And I am able to tell my daughters they do not have the gene. 

And lastly we went to see our new baby Echo today. We can't wait to bring him home in 2 weeks. 

Nights

Ah 1am we meet again. There have been so many mornings I have been up at this hour. If you can name it I bet there has been at least one time it was for that.

A. Young and dumb. 

B. Labor

C. Kids

D. Working

E. Traveling 

F. Sick

G. Pain

And the list goes on. So what is it tonight. Well I don't know. Our days are getting busier. Ball season started and I have found myself in the middle of my recovery needing to be so many places at once. My body needs me to be in bed and in fighting with it. I drove to the bank yesterday. I didn't really have another option. Today I drove Landon to ball practice because again I didn't really have another option. I still drive as little as possible but I'm not suppose to be driving at all until Thursday. I'm not in a ton of pain but after I drive i feel it. A tugging. I'm pushing it I know, but not too much . I had this surgery in part to help me be a better mother. Spending 2 weeks out of the month laid up with cramps is over. I just need to recover enough to be able to go outside this spring and plant flowers with my kids. Throw the ball and teach them how to catch the pop ups. My body needs a little more time, but it's getting there. 

After driving and showering tonight I was having some pain so I took 1/2 a pain pill and it keeps me awake. I know so many people that it makes sleepy but me. Nope hyped up. I could clean my whole house right now.... Except no I can't I am recovering from major surgery and I will take it easy. It's much easier to recover right the first time than to have to have another surgery to repair damage when you over do it. No thank you! 

On a side note. 

We are getting a new reason to be up late. A new puppy. I male boxer. We are supper excited. 2 weeks and he will be coming home. 

No excuse

It's been a while I know. I have no excuse for not updating my blogs, I was just not in a place where I could write. 

With the passing of Joshua's 2nd birthday I was hit with feelings that I didn't know how to describe or handle. I know death is a finale experience. But Everything had been so in the now and then it seemed Joshua's death was in my past. I didn't like it. I still don't. I don't know when it happened but I realized it when he turned 2. All of my baby loss is now in the past. It's not my future. It's not in the now. It's what was. And that scared me. So I did what I do and hid. Yup I hid. I stopped going to the cemetery. I stopped writing and I started telling people I have 5 kids again instead of saying "5 living".  

Over the past month I started to deal with those feelings and others and I am now at a place where I can write again. 

So what's up over here. 

I am still working at the church as the Children's Director.  We've been working really hard to put together a great team and develop a plan for the year. 

My children are happy and healthy as is Jason. 

Our insurance company got a good yelling at. When Joshua was born. The lady that was over that department said she added him in case the hospital billed anything under his name. They didn't. We've tried to take him off, but the kept asking for his death certificate. We don't have one. So about a year ago I gave up. In November I was sent a letter stating that they needed birth certificates and ssnumbers for all of us. If I didn't send them we'd be dropped and I would owe a fine when we filled taxes. I thought "well he will come off now". When I didn't send his in they extended the deadline.... Twice. So I called and I was passed from one person to the next and apologized to probably 50 times, before they finally said they had it taken care of. Ok finally! Well he was still there but I was not calling back. Jason then got called into HR this week. They demanded a Ss# for him. Jason politely told her that Joshua didn't have one and to check his file. She got rude. Lied and said it was against the law to not have a child a ss#. Said she would call CPS since we had never used the insurance for him and never bothered taking him to the dr. Jason was irate at that point and honestly I think he was in shock because that lady is still alive. Jason stood up got his file and pulled out the letter from my doctor stating that Joshua was born at under 20 weeks, and never inflated his lungs and therefore  under Alabama law was not issued a birth certificate, death certificate or a SS#. Jason said he has never seen someone apologize as much as she did. He had filed a complaint with the HR director for her behavior. I'm glad I wasn't there. We'd be looking for work. 

Last week I had a complete hysterectomy. I've been having a lot of issues and since I can't have any more kids and my blood count was finally good enough for surgery we went for it. I was so sick after surgery that I had to stay longer than expected in the hospital. However I've been doing very well in my recovery. I've had less pain than when I had my tubal. I do have to be careful because I don't want to hurt myself by over doing it. I have an online support group and the women who over do it have so many long term issues and some need another surgery to repair what they messed up. No thank you. I will just take it easy. 

Well that's it. Nothing to impressive. I promise to update more often. 

Till next time. 

Happy Birthday....

I decided not to do a Hapoy Birthday post for Joshua's 2nd birthday. I'm not sure why actually. I was a mess that day I tried to distract myself. Went to the Christmas parade. Out to lunch with my family. Then bought a ballon and took it to the cematery. I like it there. It's peacful. I'm so glad it was chosen for him. I had nothing to do with it but I couldn't have picked a better spot if I tried. It's not super crowded, there are a few other children near by. Including my niece. But I'm mostly alone when I go. Gives me time to just be. The 13th I had time to just sit and be. I talked to him about all kinds of things. Kissed his name and left. I don't feel as bad as I use to when I leave there. But I still feel as if I am leaving apart of me there. I don't think that will ever go away.

Carefree Moments

I had time to think today.

 Somedays are so busy I don't have anytime  to think at all. I like it that way. When I have time to sit back and really think (like today), my mind drifts to moments. Moments that I can't go back to, but that I long for. Some that are sad to those on the outside of the world I live in. Like the last few minutes that I held my son, clutching his tiny body in my arms and kissing his face, with tears rolling down my face. That's the moment my heart broke, but it's also a time I miss. I miss feeling him in my arms. You wouldn't think 10 ounces was a lot until it's all you have and then it's everything. I poured all my love into him in the few hours I had with him. 

I have had very few carefree moments since that day. I actually can't think of any time when I have been completely care free since my water broke with him. 

2 years ago however we were in Disney World. Having a carefree vacation. Joking that this was the 3rd time I had been to Disney pregnant. We told Jason's family that weekend that we were expecting a boy.  We told our kids too. But kept it a secret for a few more days from everyone else when we had our party.

These carefree moments have been replaced by grief and nightmares. These aren't the nightmares of having someone chase after you or going to school necked. These are more memory related nightmares. Where your children are take. And you can't reach them. No matter what you do you can't get to them. Waking up from nightmares is normally a relief, but when you're living it waking up is as bad as the dream it self. 

It's hard to wrap my head around the fact that it's been 2 years. When you're in the moment you don't think about "how will this feelin two years?". But, two years later I can say It feels like my baby just died. I can feel his weight like bricks on my heart and I am drowning in pain. My head is underwater and I can get up, I'm screaming and no one can hear me.  

This part of grief gets better, or at least it comes and goes. So that most days I can breathe. Until it gets close. Closer to a time when I can remember 2 years ago today I ....... And he was here. 2 years ago I felt him moving around, saw him on the screen, heard his heart beating at 134 Bpm. 2 years ago he was alive. His life was growing, flourishing inside of me. Where all but 3 beautiful minutes of his life were spent. 

My mind drifts to my girls. The twins I dreamed of for years. The perfect babies that were to be my rainbows, but we're not actually meant to be. I always feel like I messed up with them somewhere. Like I was given this chance to have it all and I screwed up. But I can't seem to actually point to what I did wrong exactly. I miss them just as badly, but my life has already turned into a pile of grief before they were born, that it was somehow easier to get through the days. The fact that I had already begun to grieve them before they died was not lost on me. I hoped and prayed for them to survive, but I knew. Mothers usually do. Fathers too, Jason knew. I worried leaving the hospital still pregnant, that I would have one baby at home and traumatize my self and everyone else in our home. But I wanted to give them the chance at life so I did. Of course I made it back to the hospital to have them. Made it easier to not have them at home, easier to bond and then say goodbye. 

I don't know if I will ever truly have another carefree moment, or restful night sleep. I do know however that I will always think of them and what could have been. 

Thankfulness

Every year except this one I have taken part of the 30 days of thankfulness. Where every day in for the month of November you post what you are thankful for. 

This year I'm not going to lie. I have just been pretty depressed. It's not that I don't have lots to be thankful for. I do. I am also pretty happy. I've come to realize that you can be both depressed and happy. Depressed doesn't equal sad. And sad doesn't equal depressed. Not all the time anyway. 

I've become someone who likes herself. I like getting up and taking the kids to school and then I am content to spend the entire day in bed with a book. While that sounds great for a brake now and then it's actually lead to a lot of sleeping. And a lot of not so productive days. It doesn't help that my iron levels have plummeted leaving me feeling weak and tired day after day. 

So I've decided to make myself dress everyday. And leave the house. It's worked but left me with headaches and tiredness like I haven't felt in years. I'm thinking that part in the low levels of iron in my blood. Luckily I have an upcoming doctors appointment where I'm hoping to work all this out. 

Anyway I decided to do my 30 days of thankfulness in one day. So here I go. 

1. My husband 

2. My parents 

3. My sisters 

4. My Brother in laws

5. My 8 children

6. Jason job 

7. My church family

8. My children's teachers 

9. I friends that I have never met 

10. My support group

11. My pastor 

12. My OBGYN 

13. The Labor and Delivery staff at Mobile Infermary 

14. Freedom 

15. A home 

16. Heat 

17. Having enough food 

18. Medicines

19. Transportation 

20. Love 

21. Coffee 

22. Bible

23. Health 

24. Being able to be a stay at home mom 

25. Worshipping the Lord with children every week. 

26. Layaway 

27. My 4 neices and 1Nephew 

28. Education 

29. The staff of Forest Lawn Cematery 

30. Peace, forgiveness, grace, faith, hope. 

To Meredith

Today is a day I invisioned being different than it is. Today should have been your birthday. Today is the day that you would have been born, had things been different. There are so many things I invisioned this day being when your mama told me about you. Today was going to be a day of Joy, happiness, laughter, excitement, healing, and pain. However God called you home so soon, that today all if that is replaced with simple longing for what should have been. 

I know you are ok baby girl. I know you sit with my children, in the arms of Jesus. I think of how perfect it is for you there and it makes me smile. You never felt an ounce of the pain on this world. But still I miss you. Your mom and dad shared the few hours they had with you with me.  I am so glad I got to hold you and kiss your sweet face. I know they miss you too, one day baby girl, one day our family will be whole. We will walk together in heaven, telling you stories and making all the memories we wanted to share with you. Until then I will speak your name and keep you tucked in my heart forever. 

I love you Meredith. 

  Aunt Crystal 

When I get there.

I went to see you today. It was cold. Reminded me of when you were born. I can't believe it's been almost 2 years. I find myself missing parts of those years and wondering where I was when those memories were being made. I was there of course, but most of the time things happen around me and while I am trying to focus on the moments I'm still thinking of you. Of how it should be. How it would be. How you would be. There is no part of me that doesn't want you still. I think the hardest part is realizing that I don't know how long this life without you is. Are my days on earth short or long? Who will go before me and get to hold you? When will I get there?  

Some may say, I shouldn't think like that. But I say, why not? I have so much in heaven just waiting on me. And so much on earth counting on me to be here. I still have Gods work to do on earth before I can move on to worship in heaven. But what a glorious day it will be when all if my tears are wiped away ad I stand before the Lord and he knows my name. How wonderful it will be when I'm at the gates of heaven and they open wide for me, and on the other side stand my children with open arms waiting, for me to join them in heavens grace.