Day 3

In Honor 

Day 2

Intentions 

#captureyourgrief #day2 #intentions  #whathealsyou I intend to live my life full of love and laughter. My babies have taught me just how frail life can be, no waiting for tomorrow, no saving happiness for later. We are here now, we are alive and my story isn't over yet. It didn't end when my children died. As hard as it is to live without them, I know I must. I must finish my story.

Capture your grief Day 1

Sunrise 

Capture your Grief 2015

For Emi

There are no words to say that will express the amount of sadness I've felt the past few days. I'm Heartbroken for my sister as she yet again lays a baby to rest. Emi is my Niece. She was born on July 23,2015. She weighed 14.25 ounces and was so beautiful.

I had pretty much ended this blog. The more I thought of Emi, Meredith, Hope, Faith and Joshua over the past few days made me want Emi to have her place here too. So I'm keeping her memory here, along with my babies and her sister so they can all be remembered together.

I've also decided to update when we make moves in the baby loss community. donations as well as fundraising for Children will be blogged here.  However I still feel I've moved on from blogging so much of my emotions.

Twins

I have never been around a lot of twins. When I was growing up in the late 80s early 90s twins were not as common as they are now. Haleigh had 2 kids in her class alone with a twin this year. I hadn't realized how many twins were at her school. Now think, she goes to a city school. Rather small compared to neighboring district schools. There are roughly 200 kids in each grade. Haleigh is in kindergarten. At graduation (last Tuesday) they decided to bring out a set of twins who were getting ready to graduate high school and ask all the twins graduating kindergarten to stand beside them, to show what 12 years looks like. All I could think then and even now is how I have twins and no one will ever see them up there set apart from others because they are a twin. There were 5 sets in our group or graduates. We had the 7pm time slot. The other 1/2 of kindergarten graduated at 5pm with another 4 sets of twins. Add that together. 9 yes, 9 sets of twins in Haleigh's grade. 18 kids who have a twin. Heck that's a whole class by themselves.

I looked at them and it sent me back. Remembering how I felt expecting twins and then how I felt knowing they would never have a kindergarten graduation and with the older ones standing there with the younger ones. Knowing they will never get there either. I wanted to shout that I am missing my twins. But, I didnt. I sat there and smiled at my little girl. The youngest living child I have. I watched her sing and dance and be happy. And while nothing will ever take away the pain of losing my babies, and nothing will ever replace them. I looked at my daughter and I had a calm wash over me. Telling me, you made it. It's ok. Be at peace and rest.

And for that I think it's time. Time to end the blog. I won't take it down and I may even post little letters on their birthdays. This blog was such a life line to me. And I will be forever greatful for it, I don't need it anymore. Sometime I even feel like I am drowning when I write here now. That's how I know. It's time. The time I needed to write everything down and cry it out is over. The time to go foward and leave this here is now.


End....

Life

Sometimes I don't even know what to title these post anymore.
Sometimes I feel like I'm writing the same stuff over and over.
Sometimes I feel like no one wants to hear me.
Sometimes I feel like I should be getting to a place where I don't need this.
Sometimes I feel like I should be happier.

Life keeps going and I can't make it stop.
Life gets in the way when we want it to go as planned.
A jumbled up mess is what's left.
Hiding from life, staying inside.
Not an option.
Get up, get dressed, smile.... Repeat.
And so goes the day.

Somedays I just miss them and my heart hurts.
Somedays I just want to sit and hold them.
Somedays I wish I could get another day.
Somedays I wonder what your laugh would sound like.
What our days would be like, how your eyes would shine.
   And I miss you.

Don't forget

There are times when I sit still and wonder if I'm the only one that remembers they existed. I walk around with pieces of myself missing and I wonder if anyone realizes how broken I am. Dose anyone care anymore. Have they been forgotten by everyone but me. 

And then God sends me an Angel. Someone who reminds me that I am not alone. It never fails to come when I need it the most. And yesterday that Angel was my sister, who was at the beach and thought of my children. 

She knows how much it means that she remembers them. 

So a reminder to everyone everywhere. 

Speak their names, it's not going to upset us. We want to hear their names, see them written. We never thought we wouldn't get the chance to speak their names forever. You will not remind us that they are gone. We never forget they are missing. 

 

Recovery at 2 weeks

My hystorectomy was 2 weeks and 4 days ago. I am recovering really well. Better than when I had my tubes tied even. It feels much like a natural delivery recovery. So I have to remind myself that I had major surgery.  

I saw my doctor on Thursday he said my incisions look real good. All of my test came back good and I'm tired all the time because I'm recovering. He explained that just because I wasn't cut wide open and didn't have a long hospital stay doesn't mean I didn't have a major surgery. He removed an organ that I was born with and I need to act like it. 

So over the last few days I've taken more naps, and rested as much as I can. And I'm not as tired or sore. My soreness isn't really pain but he said to take my Motrin for the soreness and it's helped me relax and sleep at night. 

On another note I also got my BRACA test results back. Since my mother has Breast cancer I now have Cancer on both sides of my family. That qualified me to have my insurance pay for the test. I will say I was nervous. I am however happy to announce I am Negative. I will have to be watched closer. Since my mom has Cancer I have a 1 in 5 chance of having it in my life time. With no family history its 8%. And if I had the gene it would have been 4 in 5. I feel beyond blessed to not have the gene. He said while my mom and sisters have a slight chance of still having the gene knowing that I don't should relax everyone, and it has. And I am able to tell my daughters they do not have the gene. 

And lastly we went to see our new baby Echo today. We can't wait to bring him home in 2 weeks. 

Nights

Ah 1am we meet again. There have been so many mornings I have been up at this hour. If you can name it I bet there has been at least one time it was for that.

A. Young and dumb. 

B. Labor

C. Kids

D. Working

E. Traveling 

F. Sick

G. Pain

And the list goes on. So what is it tonight. Well I don't know. Our days are getting busier. Ball season started and I have found myself in the middle of my recovery needing to be so many places at once. My body needs me to be in bed and in fighting with it. I drove to the bank yesterday. I didn't really have another option. Today I drove Landon to ball practice because again I didn't really have another option. I still drive as little as possible but I'm not suppose to be driving at all until Thursday. I'm not in a ton of pain but after I drive i feel it. A tugging. I'm pushing it I know, but not too much . I had this surgery in part to help me be a better mother. Spending 2 weeks out of the month laid up with cramps is over. I just need to recover enough to be able to go outside this spring and plant flowers with my kids. Throw the ball and teach them how to catch the pop ups. My body needs a little more time, but it's getting there. 

After driving and showering tonight I was having some pain so I took 1/2 a pain pill and it keeps me awake. I know so many people that it makes sleepy but me. Nope hyped up. I could clean my whole house right now.... Except no I can't I am recovering from major surgery and I will take it easy. It's much easier to recover right the first time than to have to have another surgery to repair damage when you over do it. No thank you! 

On a side note. 

We are getting a new reason to be up late. A new puppy. I male boxer. We are supper excited. 2 weeks and he will be coming home.