Happy Mothers Day.

I don't believe Mother's Day will ever be the same for me.

 I am always a little sad everyday. There is never a day that I don't think about my children, about what today would be if they have lived, what would my nights be like. Nights are hard because I know I would have been up taking care of little ones, so sleeping is hard. I don't want to sleep I want to be awake changing diapers and nursing my babies. There is never a moment I forget.

 

On Mother's Day last year I wrote how I was grateful that our church didn't hold baby dedication that day. That I was able to go to church and not have to sit though the baby dedication. This year we did though and I was ok. I cant say I wasn't scared at how it may go, or how I may feel, because as it was I should have had my girls to dedicate to the church today too. I should have been up there with Faith and Hope. And yes I had that thought. I also had the thoughts of how beautiful baby Mallory was today sitting in our pastors arms. He choked up a little while expressing his love for children. I realized then that even though my children died he loved them that way too. I cried. I wasn't the only one though, and I cant say I know why everyone else was crying, but I can say that I was crying for two reasons.

One I am sad. Sad that my children are not here with me and that they will never be here with me. I will however be with them one day.

Two I am happy. I am happy that this baby will grow to know the Lord and that I have a part of that. I am apart of her church family, Just as all the other children in the church. I will help her know Jesus in Children's Church, I will help teach her to pray, I will teach her God's love.

I wish I was able to teach those things to Joshua, Faith and Hope. 

 

I am in a different place this Mother's Day than I was last year. I was pregnant last year with the girls. I had not found out myself yet though.

 

I will never be the person I was last year. I have grown and I am more open to things I would have never been open to a year ago. I am thankful for everything I have learned though losing my babies, but I would still chose to have them with me. I would still chose for myself and have them here on earth with me. Selfish? yes it is and that is OK. 

Church on Mothers Day

There are a few holidays that fall on Sundays each year. Easter, Mother's Day, Fathers Day. Most people gather with their loved ones in church those holidays. As with Christmas when it falls on a Sunday. Those 4 days there are more people in church than any other Sundays through out the year. The most popular being Easter.

On Mother's Day a lot of churches have baby dedication. That's when all the baby's born from one Mother's Day to the next are "adopted" into the church. This is a baptist version of baby baptizing since we as baptist don't do that. I've only ever been apart of a baby dedication once and that was with Aden. While we were going to church we were not members when any of the others were babies. Aden was dedicated on Mother's Day 2005. He was almost 2 years old but we wanted to go ahead anyway. It was very nice.

This year I'm glad to be apart of a church that did baby dedication already. And before now I never though of a reason it shouldn't be on Mother's Day. I mean that's like the perfect day. But my eyes have been opened to a world no one wants to be in. A world that I'm happy to have baby day to have been in January instead if May. The world of baby loss and infertility.

Now I am not even going to act like I know the pain of infertility. I have children. I had my first healthy full term child at just 15 years old. And I have had 4 other living children since then. Then there is Joshua and i have also suffered though to a lesser extent a handful of earlier miscarriages. In fact everyone of my children except my oldest is a rainbow baby. A rainbow baby is a baby born after a miscarriage or infant loss. So while I know the pain of loss very well I do not know the pain of infertility. But I can imagine the pain the women who want to be mothers who are lead to be care givers feel on Mother's Day and then to have to sit through baby day at church on the same day. I can see why they would want to skip it. I think of them as childless mothers who will one day be blessed with a child they so desperate want to bring home and love forever.

Then there's people. Women, families like mine who have had a baby or infant loss this year. Who can't even glance in the nursery. Who skipped baby day I January and would not be able to sit through it in May either. I would love to be able to but I know it's too soon for me and I couldn't do it and I'm so glad I get to go to church and not be faced with that choice of crying through it of waiting in the bathroom until that part is over.

I'm not writing this saying that baby's shouldn't be dedicated in Mother's Day. Just that I'm glad not every church does it that way. There are mothers who are hurting this Mother's Day. And not having to be at a baby dedication is one less sting from the world.

A Bandaid.

I really thought that once my due date came and went that I would start feeling better. Or I would at least not feel as bad. But that hasn't happened. I now just feel tired, angry and some days lost all of the time. It's like taking off a band aid.

At first loosing Joshua was like ripping off a bandaid. It hurt intensely, but instead of the pain going away it was like as soon as I would think the sting was gone another would be ripped off. After a while the pain came in waves. Like ripping a band aid off as hard and fast as you can multiple times a day, but there were moments without the pain and moments I smiled, dare I say laughed.

Maybe it's because this week has been so hard. Due date, Mother's Day, Started my cycle. But lately all day feels like a slow pull at a bandaid. The pain is not as intense as when you rip it off. But it last all day. A dull ache that never goes away, An ache I can't get relief from, a constant feeling of someone missing or lost. It's a horrible feeling and its stuck on me all day. I don't see how anyone can be in a good mood after feeling like that.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. And I have 6 wonderful reasons to celebrate. So I'm getting up early and making my kids breakfast. That may seem backwards, you may be thinking that on Mother's Day my kids should be making me breakfast right? Well yes, I'm their mother and I gave them life so I should be honored. That's the way this holiday works. But instead tomorrow I'm going to do for them because they are my children. Without them I would not be a mother. They are the reason I get to celebrate Mother's Day. So I'm going to let tomorrow be about them not about me.

Diapers For Mothers Day.

These are the diapers I'm donating in Joshua's memory for Mother's Day. They are going to the women's center 6 to the Saraland center and 6 to the Mobile center. They don't have a lot of women who call when they have a loss but they do have some. And those babies deserve to have diapers too. And since I haven't been able to get into USA Children's hospital as of yet I know they will have baby's that don't have one.

Happy Mothers Day.