He's got Today.

Today I can not say was the best day of my life, but it wasn't the worst either. I know that even though it was an expected date this would have never have been his birthday. And in a strange way that comforts me.

My new job as a children's director in my church has taken off. We have a lot of events planned. We have had many meeting and many more to go. We are just starting on this road. It's exciting and challenging. It's made me think a lot about where I stand with God. I've said before I am not mad at him. I do not believe he stole my children. They were always his, he just in trusted me with them while they were in earth. And even though It was such a short time I am glad it was me. 

I have thought sometimes why he would put so much pain in my life so close together. That somehow this would have been easier has it happened when I was younger or between living children instead of back to back. And then my pastor cleared it all up for me. Though it took me 2 weeks to understand what he said was true. God has no past no future. Time for us is leaner because that's how we understand life. For God everything is now. 15 years ago for us is now. 15 years from now for us is now. So I understand, everything that has Happened and will happen is happening right now. Like I said it confused me for 2 weeks. But I understand now. 

I'm sure I don't have all the answers. I'm sure a child will ask me a question that I don't know the answer to and I will answer with "That's a great question, let's find the answer together". I'm sure I am going to learn as much if not more from them than they will from me. I am sure God lead me here or I would have ran far far away from this job. I'm sure I'm going to love it and hate it. I'm sure it's going to bring more joy into my life. I'm sure that it's scary to start new things. I'm sure it's worth it. And lastly I'm sure God is with me. He's got this, even if I don't. Even when I doubt my ability to do this he knows. He has this. He has me. 

Turning the page

I'm taking a turn in my life. God has been pulling me in a few different directions recently. Some things I know are for the future and not for now. I am not far enough along in my walk with grief to do some of the things I am meant to do. But I'm getting there.

This blog has helped me vent out my feelings over the deaths of my children, and has been very healing. In my walk there has been very few times where I have written about much except the really hard days, but the time has come to write about the ways I am growing. How my grief is helping me grow in my Faith and how I am becoming more like Jesus and my walk with him.

Am I still grieving?  Yes and I always will be. There will never be a day that goes by, I don't think about my children that are not with me. There will however come a day where I will see them again. I try to focus on that day and not the days behind me. That doesn't mean I am leaving them behind though. They are always here with me, everyday with everything I do they are with me.

So what is new?

I held another baby. My 2nd since having the girls. A little girl at church. She is 3 months old and the sweetest thing. She fell asleep on my shoulder and I thought to myself "I could do this all day". I was a little sad. My girls were due about the same time she was, and it took me this long to hold her, but I did and I am glad I did. It's healing, but small doses is what I need.

I am planning a baby shower for my sister. She has been trying for her 1st baby for about 6 years and she is now 10weeks pregnant. I am so excited for her. I am having so much fun planning her big day.

I am becoming the Director of the Children's Department at church. I am Scared and ecstatic all together. Our children's department needs a complete overhaul redo. We have big plans for our new Ministry. There is so much to be done, there are so many ideas. I will be posting more about this later. For now though I am going to leave you with this.

If you are Expecting a baby. If you are holding your baby in your arms. Try to realize that they are truly a gift. Try to remember that in the span of your life 9 months is a very short time to give up your body to make another life. There will never be another day that was this one. You only have today. Stop complaining that you are tired, you wont be getting more sleep when the baby gets here you will be getting less. Stop complaining that the baby is kicking your bladder, soon you will be up every 2 hours not to pee but to change a diaper. Be grateful for those kicks, be grateful for those contractions that are leading to your baby. Don't take it for granted, you never know, It could all be gone in the blink of an eye.

Empty Basket.... Empty Tomb

3 empty Baskets

We shopped today. I needed to get everyone their Easter clothes. It was a long day. Some of us just were not feeling it today. For me it was just hard, as most things are.

Holidays are difficult for me. I want to make memories with my children who are gone and in turn I am missing them with the children I still have. It's frustrating to say the least. I want Easter shopping to be fun. I want to enjoy it, but I don't. I try but it's just not there. 

The thought of not having 3 more baskets is heartbreaking. They would just at empty anyway. We thought of getting new flowers but the ones we put out a month ago are Easter colors, so we left them out instead. I thought of getting a stuff bunny but it would just get wet. I thought of getting plastic eggs, filling them with rocks and setting them out there, but again I think they would either blow away or get lost somehow. It is a very strange feeling. To have children that you carried and gave birth to, but don't take care of. No diapers, no feedings, no Easter basket, no Christmas gifts. Nothing... I carried them, I birthed them and then I had to give them back to God. Its final that's it. There is nothing more for me to do and that sucks! I want to take care of them and I don't know how not to.

So I shopped for my living children and I tried not to look at the too little clothing that was next to my big kids sizes. I bought 5 baskets and left the other 3 on the shelf empty. I will sleep through the night and wake Easter morning and not be late for Church. Because my work for them is done. There is nothing left for me to do for them.

1 empty Tomb

For me Being a Christian, comes by having a lot of Faith.
Faith that Jesus is Gods son.
Faith that Jesus died on the cross to save us from our sins.
And a set of Beliefs.
I believe that God did send his son to die for me.
I believe that Jesus died and rose again
I believe that he loves us and doesn't want to see us hurt.

The tomb is empty and Jesus is in Heaven sitting next to his Father.
And in his arms are my children. They are sitting there waiting on me. Waiting on God to tell Jesus that its time to bring all of his children home.

I cant imagine what it was like for God to send his son here and not save him from dying on the cross. I know I am not that strong. I did everything to save my children and would do it again if I went back. But that empty tomb and the cross reminds me I am not alone.

I use to think that God didn't give us more than we could handle. I now know that is wrong. Of course God gives us more than we can handle, and he also gave us Jesus to turn to, to give all of our fears and needs to. He gave us Jesus so that when we have more on us than we can handle we can trust that even though its too big for us, its never too big for Jesus.

Living with open eyes

I have come along way over the past year in where I am in my over all Faith that God really does know better than I do, the plans he has for my life. 

It's opened my eyes to a new world. A world I didn't even know existed. A world where you don't worry everyday because you know that God has this. There is nothing bigger than my God. 

That however is not the world I lived in before. It's strange how much a year really matters. How much a year can change someone. 

I think about where I was once. Living the way I did. Sure I went to church and sure I learned a lot. But things were the same. We still skipped Church on Joe Cain Sunday to go downtown, kids and beer in tow. Hey we weren't hurting anyone, we even parked in a church parking lot and set up our grill in the area next to us. Did the church still have service that day? Yup they did. I remember looking at the people going into that church thinking "why can they not take one Sunday off?"  Now that was a few years ago, not last year. 

But I understand now. 

It's not about Sunday. It's not about church. It's about a relationship with Jesus, and you don't take "brakes" in your relationship with him. 

I admit that when Joshua died I felt completely abandoned. By God, by people who were suppose to be my friends, by people who were suppose to be my brothers and sisters In Christ, and even by some family. I sometimes even felt like I wasn't worthy of their support. I have harbored pain, bitterness, depression, and Anxiety over simply not being good enough. 

I did not give myself enough time to work through that when my Girls died too. Felt less abandoned, by more alone. I had never been shown the love my Church family poured over me when I buried them. I could feel their prayers. Their repeated gifts of food. Their hugs and smiles and simple phone calls showed me that I was where I was meant to be. But in a crowded room I still felt alone. But not abandoned. 

I believe all things happen for the glory of God. I believe that I am where I am suppose to be. Serving where I am suppose to be serving. I however would not be here if I hadn't lost Joshua. If he was alive and well I could see us still going to church on Sundays and sometimes taking a brake from it to go grill in a church parking lot. I would never have needed my pastor to love me before he knew me. I would not have needed him to pray over me and my baby while I was in labor. I wouldn't have needed him to Pray with me at Joshua's service. I wouldn't have know the love through Christ that he has. 

As much as Joshua brought us into where to worship we still fought to actually move there. We drove 40 mins one way some Sundays. When we found out we were having twins is when I decided I needed to live closer to my mom and sisters. So we moved. 10 mins from the church we worship and serve at. 2 weeks later my girls died. 

My children had meaning. They had a mission from God. Joshua's mission was to show me the love of God through my pastor. Faith and Hope. Their mission was to move us closer to family and church. And in doing that it has moved us closer to God. 

What an amazing gift my children have given me. I'm so glad I can see It now. 

I see the way we use to live. I see the way we live now. And I am thankful for every change God has allowed to happen to us. 

I am in no way "over" the deaths of my children and I don't believe over is really something you ever do. I believe living with the pain and missing them gets easier but it's always there. I love them and will love them and miss them until my last breath. Then I will see them and will get to tell them Thank-you. For choosing me as you mother and thank you for helping me see what I needed to see and to look at the world with my eyes open. 

Dreams

I've written a lot about sleep. Or the lack of, well it seems like I have anyway.

I don't sleep a lot. When I do I dream a lot. I hate my dreams. They are wonderful dreams until I wake up and find myself back in hell and that my dreams were just that a dream. 

Last night my dog could have died. If I had went ahead with the plans that I had earlier that day. She would have died. I wouldn't have been there to beat 2 pit bulls off of her. (I am not against all out bulls, or bulls my dog is a Boxer). I need a new mop now by the way I broke the Handel of mine on one of the hits. They finally let go growled and barked at me. I had a moment of fear and then hit the dog again. I was not going to be attacked In my own back yard from a dog that dug under my fence. No no that was not happening. I got pissed. And then remembered my fur baby had limped into the house. I kept an eye on the dogs and backed into the house. I wasn't alone my sister and oldest son was with me. 

I went into the house to find my dog layed against the door way to the bedroom. I could see blood so I ran and got a towel from the bathroom. Her front paw was dripping and I covered it with the towel I was shaking and when I saw how much blood there was I cried. I just knew she was going to die right there on the floor. She wouldn't walk so I could get a better look. So we called the vet who gave us the number to the ped ER. 3hrs, 1 pain shot and 136$ later we left there with out dog headed to Jason's sisters house. She is a vet nurse and we wanted her to give it to us real. We felt like the ER was not being real with us. Demanded 610$ that night and then another 600 Monday. Jason's sister said it was because they are an ER. We got trixie to them at 1245 and Jason and his sister took her to the clinic. 30 mins later they came back to the house. She had called the main vet and then have trixie some better pain meds, Antibiotics and an IV. She said she expected worse, but couldn't tell us how bad it was. She was still dripping blood. 

I had no choice but to sleep it was 230am. I was slowly creeping on 24 hrs of being awake. The coffee was almost gone. I was sleepy and didn't even need a sleep aid. I feel right to sleep. However my dreams were anything but sweet. They were filled with me trying to keep everything alive. My babies. Pets. Flowers. Everything I touched eventually died. I was glad to wake up from that dream. 

Waking up we were told that Trixie was not as bad as we had thought. She was really beat up, but they are pretty sure she's going to be ok. As long as there is no infection that sets up in her then there is no reason she shouldn't make a full recovery. The biggest thing working against her right now is her age. She's over 10 years old. That's right we have had her longer than 2 of our kids and one was a month old when we got her. I sighed with relief. Maybe everything I touch doesn't die. Or at least not today.  

Tonight though I thought I was going to go to sleep and I did for a minute or two. Maybe it was an hour. Then I was in the back yard and pregnant and the dogs were coming through the fence and my dog was there ready to defend me and my unborn children. I woke up because Haleigh needed more fever reducer. But I didn't want to finish that dream anyway. Some dreams aren't worth the ending. 

Judged

Do you ever feel judged?

I do sometimes. A lot actually. When people I don't know very well find out I have 3 children who died. I can see they are thinking "what did she do?" And when they find out it was at birth. I see the looks and questions of "what kind of drugs was she taking?"  If only it were that easy right. When people find out that I was on paper "induced" with Joshua, I wonder if they think I didn't try hard enough. I feel sometimes I tried harder with the girls. For the simple fact that I made it almost a week after Hopes water broke before having her and Faith. And with Joshua I only made it 2 days. When actually I didn't do anything different. I made no choices. I let what was to be to be. I followed the advice of my OB and tried to hang on to the lives that were growing inside of me. 

The fact of the matter is that It probably wouldn't make a difference no matter what I did. When your water brakes before viability (23ish weeks) your chances of taking home a baby are less than 1%. Yes there it is as soon as my water broke I had less than a 1% chance of ever bringing home my baby. I understand why some women give up and induce immediately. I don't judge them. It's physically and mentally draining to continue a pregnancy when you know that your baby has a 99% chance of dying no matter how far you carry him. Even if you somehow make it to 34 weeks your baby still has a 1% chance of life outside the womb. I decided that 1% was enough of a chance to fight for so I did. I fought and I lost. 

I think now though that maybe God did know what he was doing not letting me get further than I did. Sometime I have questioned why he couldn't give me just another few days of pregnancy so that Joshua would be seen as a stillbirth and not a miscarriage in the eyes of the state. At 20 weeks in Alabama you can get a Certificate of Birth resulting in a Stillbirth from vital records. At 19.4 weeks you get nothing from the state reconizeing you baby lived. The girls were 17.2 so they got didn't get anything either. I have questioned why I couldn't carry them longer to feel them move more. To know them more. However I can see how he knew that I needed to let go sooner rather than later because if a 1% chance of surviving the pregnancy was enough then a 1% chance of living outside the womb was going to be enough as well. 

I wonder if I had made it to viability how far I would have pushed to keep them alive. 

Since having the girls I have remembered a baby that was in the nicu with Landon. I remember that when Landon was so weak and small that this other baby had a mobile over his crib. I remember the nurses playing music and videos for him. I remember this baby sitting in the swing and I remember his parent called 3 times a day to check on him and visited on Sundays. I remember one Sunday I was visiting Landon and his mother was there. The nurses were telling the mother the drs were thinking of sending him home soon and wanted her to come stay overnight to do total care for him the next weekend. She answered with she would have to talk with his father but thought they could both be there the next Saturday. When they were done she asked me how Landon was doing. I told her good despite being born at 31 weeks he was doing well. I asked about her baby and she told me that he was born at 35 weeks. Her water broke at 18 weeks and he was still on O2 I asked how old he was and was shocked to find out he was turning a year that week! Yes the baby had spent a whole year in the nicu. He did go home the next weekend. I told the mom good luck. She said the same to me. She was being sent home with what I would call a home nicu. The monitors and O2 were all going with that baby. My guess is they trained the mother to care for him at home because he was stable. I wonder now of that baby is now 8 years old and doing well. If he made it. I wonder why I didn't remember that mother when I was laying there trying to hang on. If I had would I have chosen differently? Honestly I don't know. I know I told my OB that the choice oft children living and dying couldn't be mine. That it wasn't up to me. I still believe that, of course. But I think I understand now more than I did before why God said no after my water broke. Why he took them when he did. I still don't understand why my water had to brake in the first place though. 

 I know not all Pprom babies spend a year in the nicu. There is that .5% that are healthy and normal and have no problems from having no fluid. And I'm glad they are thriving. But it's just not the way it turns out for most families. And not wanting you baby to spend his whole life on O2 in the hospital is not a bad thing. I wouldn't want that for my children. 

When?

The last few days have just been hard. I miss my babies. I want to know what they would have looked like full term and whole. Fully formed. I want to know what they would have liked to play with. What their favorite foods are. What the love what they hate. What toys would they ask Santa for?

I sat today and watched Landon play outside in the back yard. Running around chasing the dog and my heart aches for the three kids I have that I will never get to watch do that. 

When will I be able to look at my kids and not see what I'm missing with the ones that are gone? When will I not look at a newborn and long for my own? When will I get through a holiday without the grief? When will it not hurt so bad? 

Christmas

Merry Christmas in Heaven

Joshua, Faith and Hope. 

Another unforgettable day.

So much has happened in a year. So much pain. So many tears.

A year ago today I buried my baby boy. 

Just Alive

Looking back on my pregnancies I realize how blind I was to the complications of pregnancy and child birth. I knew the things that could happen to other people, but not me.

I remember when I was pregnant with Haleigh I declared I would give birth in my back yard before I had another c section. That was "the worst thing that could happen" was that I would not get my vbac. And I worried about it until I pushed her out.  I knew the risk. Still do. I'm glad I went for it, but really? That was the worst thing I could think of that would happen. That I would have to have another section. Her birth got me "over" my experience with my section. It was really bad. So when I was pregnant with Joshua and DrC asked if I wanted another vbac I said I would like to try to avoid another section if possible. He agreed I would probably have no problem with that. When I was in labor with Joshua DrC and I had to sign a vbac form and hospital policy stated I had to be offered a section and be told the risk of a vbac. I knew the risk. Just 4 years earlier I was an expert. The major risk is to the baby. My baby was going to die anyway no section needed. I had completely changed my mind when I was pregnant with the twins. I decided I wanted a section. When DrC said that he dosent like to vbac twins I said "no problem I want a section anyway" he was surprised. But understood better when I said I didn't actually care how they came out my goal was breathing baby. I failed at that of course. When I delivered them there was no time for a vbac form. But there was one in my chart. Anyone over 14 weeks with a section scar has to be offered a repeat section. I wouldn't have taken it again there was no risk to my babies. They were not going to be born alive anyway. 

It's amazing how much I changed in my personal view of how my children were suppose to be born. I went from wanting them born naturally to wanting them born just alive. 

Should have.

I could have done it you know. Raised a few more children. I could have given birth to Joshua in late march beginning of April (since I always go early) and then gotten pregnant with the girls immediately after. I know people who have kids who are less than a year apart. I could have handled that. I could have had 3 kids under 1 right now. That would have been awesome. I would be should be so tired changing 30 diapers a day. Pumping, feeding, washing, I should be drowning in baby bottles and clothes. I should be a mess of newborns. I could have done it. I'm strong enough for that.

But this....

This tired is from being up crying, this lonelyness of no one really understanding. This pain of empty arms. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I would trade what is for what should have been any day. 

Sweet Child of Mine

Questions through tears. .Silence in words.

Death and grief shouldn't be apart of childhood. Except it is. And for my kids it's a big part of their lives. 

They ask some rough questions. 

Where exactly is heaven? 

 Oh sweetness, how I wish heaven was a place on earth. It's simply not. It's above us somewhere but I can't say exactly where. 

Why can't we go visit there? 

 If we could visit heaven I would spend a great deal of time there everyday. We can't visit. Once you go to heaven you can't come back and you can't go until Jesus is ready for you. 

But mama I wanna visit the babies! 

Oh so do I. 

Mama I miss them. 

So do I. 

When Madalyn gets married and has a baby is it going to die too? 

Oh baby I don't think so. Most babies are born and live a long time and grow up. Like you. 

But our babies died. Why? 

I don't know. But Jesus does and when I get to heaven I'm going to ask him. 

Can Santa bring us a baby? 

No honey, Santa can't bring us a baby. 

I really want a baby. 

I know me too. 

I was going to help feed them. 

I know. You were going to help a lot. You are the best. 

I love you mama. 

I love you too Haleigh. 

It brakes my heart that she has to understand These things that I don't even understand. I'm trying but sometimes I wanna scream WHY too. 

Life

I have a lot if mixed feelings on life and death in general. More now than ever before. I do not have dought on where we go, or my Faith. I just have mixed feelings about it. As In life. I believe life starts at conception. Life in its very earliest forms, the division on cells, the start of a beating heart. What I don't understand is why some life ends so early, my children were ment for something great. I believe all children start out with greatness and can grow into adults ment for greatness. But some where along the way some if us get derailed.

I can honestly say if it was not for my already foundation of Faith, my Families Faith, and the love of my pastor and church family, I would hate God. I know it. It would be easy to blam it all on him. Something he "did to me". 

If I didn't have a better understanding of God and the price Jesus paid for me then I would believe that I was being punished for my sins. 

I sometimes wonder if God chose me to be Joshua, Hope and Faiths mother because he knew I would grow closer to him through it. I wonder if it's because he knew someone else would blame him and I would not, that I would understand that it's not something he did to make me hurt. That he didn't take them as payment for my sins. He knew I would not turn from my Faith but grow in it. He knew I was not strong enough to do it on my own. But also had in place the people that would help me through. 

I wish that had not been me though. I still wish I had my babies instead. I know that is selfish. But I am a mother. A mother of eight children. A hidden mother of twins. A mother of babies that never cried. A mother of a teenage girl that worries me grey. A mother of 3 living boys. And a son that plays in heaven with his 2 sisters. A mother of a 5 year old that doesn't understand why her babies died and other people get to keep theirs. A griving mother who would do just about any thing to make the world right and have her babies back. A mother who loves her kids and puts them before herself. 

I am only human and that makes me selfish by nature. So yes if I could wish my children from heaven back to earth I would. If I could go back and do anything in my life different I would hold them a while longer. I'm human. I miss them. 

Life's complications

I have been on edge all day. Woke up with bad nerves. Nothing happened, just on edge all day. It was obvious that I was at some braking point. Nothing triggered it, just sometimes I have off days. Days where everything I see makes me wanna scream. Days when everyone smiling and being fake happy is too much and I just want to hide away under the covers forever. That was my day today. It's been a while since I had one on the weekend. On the weekdays it's easy to hide. No one is here with me except Haleigh and she doesn't care if I am in my pjs all day and lay on the couch until 2pm. I think she prefers those days sometimes. I so as well.

I know other people hurt and I know other people have lost babies and they hurt like I do. Support groups have proved thay point to me. But when I hear people complain about the bad year they have had. I want to scream "You have no clue what a bad year is" so you lost some income.... My children died. So you are in debt more than ever..... my children died. So you have the flu..... My children died. So you got a divorce..... My children died. 

Yeah yeah I know it's not fair. I shouldn't compare those things I really shouldn't. I have complained about those things before, in years past. Not enough sleep. No time alone. Having the flu. 

I really do understand that whatever you are going through right now is big for you in your life. 

Everything for me just is smaller. I'm not worried about Christmas, it will get done. When Haleigh had surgery my biggest fear was her dying. And as everyone know that's always a risk when anyone ever has surgery. Anyother complication we have been or could be faced with seems small compared to death. 

That's a sad way to think isn't it. 

Hey as long as no one died it's fine. 

Thats however where my brain is today. Your alive stop complaining. 

A beautiful disaster

Losing Joshua was and still is the hardest thing I have ever been experienced. It was cruel. Everything was going just as it should. I was having no problems. We had found out it was a boy. We started planning. Picking a name. Everything that we had done after the first 13 weeks with our other children. Things were perfect. We were going to have 6 beautiful children. 4 boys and 2 girl. We had just gotten back from Disney World and we were starting to decorate for Christmas. I don't think there had been a time when we were so happy. It had been a while since everything went right for us. And this was it.  Pregnant and happy with our last child. Then disaster struck. Out of the blue. From no where our whole lives came crushing down on us. My water broke. That one moment realizing that no I was no peeing was the scariest moment of my life. I think I knew that he would not make it at that moment I sat on my bed towel between my legs and cried. I called for Jason and then we headed for the hospital. I was sent to another hospital where my dr was and by morning it was confirmed that my water was broken. I was put on meds and given the option to terminate the pregnancy. I was heart broken. I could not give up on my baby. I wanted to give him life. I never got the chance. The choice to carry him to term and give him a chance was taken when my health was at stake. I had to think of my 5 other children and there mother, I couldn't leave them motherless. I had to deliver my baby boy knowing he would not survive birth. My heart was crushed, there was nothing I could do. I never wanted to let him go. I fell into a deep dark hole and had no intention of climbing out of it ever. I acted a good show in front of people but I was dying inside.

Then there was a light. Then two lights. Twin girls. 

I think from the beginning I tried to guard my heart from loving them. It didn't work. I loved them from the moment the line on the stick showed pink. There is no love like the love a mother has for her children. I didn't believe that I would make it to 13 weeks. I did. After that people told me to not worry. That God wouldn't take 2 more children from us. That having two was Gods way of giving me Joshua back what was taken from me. To believe and it will be. To pray and I will be given two beautiful girls. To think good thoughts and good things will follow. They were all lies. Everyone of them lies.

 It was different though I denied what would happen. I put off going in until the morning after. Didn't wake Jason, because well I could have just peed. I mean I was pregnant with twins after all. 

When my dr told me he was admitting me and it was probably not going to be a good outcome. I simply said ok. I thought to myself. I will not give up. I will fight for these children's lives.  And I did. I was offered a termination again. I have learned that is standard and they must offer it to you when the baby is not yet viable. I said no thank you. I believed I would make it. That my babies would be miracles. But a part of me knew. I stopped looking a twin things I would need. I deleted my wish list. I was mentally preparing for what I knew was to come. But still I laid on bed rest and prayed. It was however not meant to be, I think the week between my water braking and labor helped me process what was about to happen and it softened the blow and with that my beautiful happy life had turned into one disaster after another. 

I didn't know how to comfort my children about their brother and sister dying. I didn't know how to not lay in the couch and cry. I didn't know how to live any more. I didn't want to kill myself, but I wished to die. To stop hurting. To stop being so angry. To have happiness back. To really laugh. To stop crying. To be the kind of mother I once was. 

I believe my girls helped me heal. As crazy as that seems I know I did not truly begin to heal from Joshua's death until I lost the girls too. It's terrible to say. I know. I am greatful though. I may have never gotten the help I needed for my depression if I had not lost the girls. It makes me sad that I had to lose them to heal. 

I loved all three of them so deeply. As deep as for my living children. I love to talk about all three of them. I miss them and speak their names often. 

There is a hole in my heart in my life that will never be filled, but at least now I can sit and look at their pictures and smile at the memories of the few hours I got to hold them in this life. I smile at the memories of them kicking inside me of them rolling around on the ultrasounds. I have very few memories with them, but all of them are good ones. I wish I had more. I wish I was given more time in this life with them. But I know the years I spend without them will be shorter than the eternity I will spend with them. 

Loud

I'm upset about something I can not change. No I'm mad. No wait I'm hurt. Yes that's it. It's pain I feel. I'm hurt. I'm not really sad. I feel like someone has said my babies didn't matter. And it hurts.

I have been posting on Facebook all month and here with the capture your grief project. Tomorrow is the last day. 

Last night a parent posted a picture of her baby. There were some rude comments made and a word fight broke out. That lead to more pictures and more blacklash. I stayed out of it. Just commenting that the babies were beautiful. Because they were. And then I get on tonight to read the stories that I have been looking foward to and it's gone. The whole event was deleted. Now let me explain. Facebook took the even down. Not because it was reported as violent pictures but because there was 1000s of people threating one another on the event page. How sad it that. Threating people! Violet pictures?

 Really these people. The people have no idea what we as baby loss parents have been through. They have not carried a baby for months and prayed everyday that the baby just lives, only to give birth

In a silent room, no cries, no cheers of joy, no it's a boy or they are girls. No congratulations. No balloons or flowers. No visitors. No smiles. 

They have no clue what it's like to watch their babies hearts stop beating. They have no clue how it feels to kiss you baby good bye hours after saying hello. They will never understand. And you know what. I hope they never do. Because to understand this you have to go through it. 

But 

To call our babies pictures violence!?! Really?!? Come on people. Wake up. These are someone's babies. They are loved, were wanted. Pregnancy loss happens. Baby loss happens. It's tragic yes. But I will not hide. It was suggested by some who will never understand that we should grieve in silence. 

I refuse. 

I refuse to be silenced. I will not shut up. I will speak out. I will share my children the way I want when I want. They are perfect. I am proud to be the mother of 8 children. I am proud of the way my angles look in their pictures. 

I will grieve out loud. 

I will not hide. 

I will stand on a mountain top and scream out their names. 

My children were alive. 

My children were born. 

My children mattered. 

I will not be silent! 

 

Beauty

I often find beauty in the strangest spots. Spots that if others would look they would see beauty as well. And maybe some do.

I love to sit at the cemetery. It's beautiful out there. With all the different flowers all in perfect rows. It's a calming site to me. It's the most peaceful place I've even been. I like to go alone and just listen to the silence. That is a beautiful sound. 

I love to see children smile when they don't know your looking. The looks on their faces when they are truly happy about something. I think that's beautiful. Just their smile. 

I believe all my children were beautiful from the moment of conception. They were my babies long before they were born. Weeks before I even knew they were forming. They were there and they were beautiful. They still are the most beautiful beings I have ever seen. All 8 of them gifts straight from God to me. 3 of then I had to give back way before I was ready. I realize none of my children are mine to keep. I'm suppose to raise them for the kingdom of God and they are his in every way. I am just responsible of them for a short time. I wish my time with Joshua, Faith and Hope was longer. I wish I had time to see them grow into beautiful young people. Instead they will always be my beautiful forever babies. I know they are beautifully fully formed and with Jesus, but I selfishly wish they were here with me. 

The closer I get to Joshua's birthday and the girls due date I get sadder. Is that a word? Maybe it's more sad? Anyway i get sad. I wonder if December will always bring such sadness with it. 

I feel like Christmas will never be the same. I don't want to celebrate. I don't feel like doing Halloween next week. I don't want thanksgiving to come. Last year I was happy on Halloween. Last year I had a baby on the way at thanksgiving. It was all gone before Christmas. 

I will act happy even if I'm not. I will not ruin my children's idea of Christmas. They will have a happy Halloween. They will have a great family thanksgiving. They will have a very merry Christmas. We will decorate with a smile. I will take them to see Santa. And I will do it with a smile, because I am their mother. Just remember that even though I will be posting happy family pictures this season , I am still hurting. I am still grieving. I am still missing apart of my family. 

Grieve out Loud

Why do I grive out loud? Why do I share what I share here?

I wish I could say I do it for awareness like some bloggers do. I wish i could say it was to make baby loss an ok subject to talk about and not so taboo. But it's not. Not really. 

I wish I could say it makes me feel good. That it helps me feel closer to my babies to write about them. But no it's not that would be a lie. 

I wish I could say it was to help other women who are now where I was or who will one day walk in my path. But again that's not it. 

Sure some of this May bring Awareness to some people. Somedays it helps to remember my babies and it may one day help another mother. But that's not why I write. 

I write because I have to. I have to get thing out of my head sometimes. I write so I don't forget how I feel right now today. I will one day feel some better. This overwhelming sadness will one day lift but I will never want to forget the feelings I have right now. I work through my grief out loud. You know like some people talk with their hands, well that's me. I grive with a blog. I write. It may not all be beautiful words but it's real. Nothing I write is made up or thought up somewhere. This is my real life. And most of the time my real life is hell. At least for now. 

It's hard. Wanting to be happy. Wanting to join in on life and what others are doing but knowing you can't. It will hurt too much. Sometimes I think if I can get all the hurt out I will heal better. Like a posion. If you get bit by a snake and then get the posion out your ok. I wish I could get the hurt out that easy. I though of pushing myself. Going to see one of the umpteen women I know who have newborn and ask to  Hold them until I stop crying. Maybe that would get the hurt out, but honestly I don't think I have it in me and would probably not stop crying. It would probably make things so much worse. But I want it to make it better. 

Sometimes I write because I'm angry. Not sad but angry. I wasn't angry when Joshua died. I knew God would take care of me. I knew that I would learn something. That something good would come out of his death. Even though I didn't understand I trusted I had faith. When I got pregnant with twins I thought ok Lord this must to the challenge you had in store for me when you took Joshua. Oh was I wrong! I got mad when they died too. I thought why would God let this happen to me again. Only 8 months after. I didn't and don't understand. I don't see how this will ever amount to anything good. I'm angry at the world. Everyone and everything in it and beyond. .. That's heathy right? 

I told my dr that I was angry when he asked how I thought I was doing emotionally. I just said " I'm angry". His response... At who?  I sat there and then said. People He asked me. "What do people do to make you mad?" My answer. They breathe. 

Ah ok he starts writing. And talking. You know being stuck in the anger stage of grief is common. Yes I know. I'm going to write you something that I think will help. I responded with "Well I hope so". Stuck in anger. Yup stuck. If I could just see something good in any of this I may be able to let go of the anger but I don't and I'm scared I will never see any good in it and I will be angry for the rest of my life. The meds he wrote for me are helping. I am coping better. I have fewer lashing outs. And I'm sure Jason is glad for that since I tend to lash out at him. 

Sometimes I write because I miss my children. I want to hold them and kiss their faces again. I want them to know how much I love them and how much I think of them each and everyday. I miss them everyday. I think of how I should have them. How getting ready to go out should be harder. How I should be getting ready for Joshua's first Halloween. Getting ready to have twins. Having 3 extra kids in the house this Christmas. I'm missing things that haven't happened because they never will and it helps to say it out loud. 

Complaints.... Being Thankful

Some days are better than others for me, I have been having more better days than bad days, however I am still having some really bad days. I have things that bother me. Triggers some people call them, that make me feel worse, or make my day a bad one.

Complants, I cant stand it when people complain about the kids that they chose to have. I use to do it too. Say how tired I was because I had 3 kids up and sick all night, but now I think of how lucky I was to have those kids to be up with that night. And how in this great thing we call life how short one little night of no sleep really is. Heck, how short a few months of no sleep with a newborn are. I don't understand how people can be so ungrateful for what they have in their arms. Be grateful for the sleepless nights, the days of colic and the long long days stuck in the house with your baby. You have no idea how many women including me who would trade the pain I feel now for your sleepless days and nights.

   Then I think I am so glad the one complaining have no idea this pain and still live in a world where bad things don't happen to good people. Living in a world where if you are a good person, and you eat all the right foods, see all the rights doctors, have all the right test, have faith in God that everything will work out for you, that bad things happen to bad people, good things happen to good people who follow all the rules. I wish I still lived in that world with these people who complain. I wish I could still complain and not have my heart be crushed.

  I am carful. I am carful to hold my hand on my mouth when I want to complain about being too busy, I am carful to not get angry when the kids don't sleep well, when they are sick and need their mom, when they are sad, when they are just being needy.

  I am thankful, I pray that one day every mom will be as thankful for the things I am thankful for. I am thankful for my children's lives, I am thankful for every softball tournament that kept me at the ball park until 2 in the morning. I am thankful for the next morning of being back at 7am. I am thankful for every cub scout campout. I am thankful for every football game, Every early morning waking up to get them to school, every late night studying for the big test, or forgotten about project. I am thankful for ever fight I have ever had with my children, I wish I would have been thankful enough at the time to just stop fighting and hug them. I am thankful for every day I sat in the hospital next to my children. For every copayment and doctors appointment. Every late night ER visit. Every single payment I have ever made to keep them healthy and to keep them happy. Every long car trip to special doctors. Every late night sitting up crying because I didn't know what to do. I am thankful for it all. Its a beautiful thing to be a mother, and I am sad that not every mom sees it as a blessing the way I do.

 I am sad I will never have another blessing in the form of a child. But, that in no way means I am not thankful for the ones I have here with me and the ones that have gone before me. I have 8 children who I am thankful for. I know some people may not understand how I am thankful for death, and I am going to say that is not easy. I would much rather have my babies here and be thankful for no sleep. But that is not my reality. This is.... I am thankful I have things that I can prove my children were here, and they were real. I have pictures, I have footprints, I have memories of them. I felt them move. I watched them grow inside me. I saw their hearts beat on the screen minutes before they were born. They were alive, they were here, they mattered. I am thankful God chose me to be their mother. Some people are not equipped to be mothers to angels. I was sure after Joshua was born and then died that I would die, I didn't see anyway i would live though that pain. Then I lived through is birth, Then the day after I woke up, I woke up the day after that and the one after that and after that. I dont know how I got through the first few weeks. I go back and read what i have written here in those early days and I am not sure who the person is that wrote that. I was in such a fog. After a few months the fog lifted and began to believe I would live through  the pain of losing my son. It would be painful, but I could do it. I didnt have a choice I had 5 kids counting on me. When I found myself pregnant with the girls, I believed things would be ok. The things that happened to me would not happen again. I was a good person and I did all the right things and everything would be ok. Then it wasn't ok. Even when things looked really bad I prayed and believed my girls would be ok. I cried everyday for a week before they were born, I believe that helped me cope with their birth. I was mad I was angry that God had chose me to be their mother. I didn't want to be the mother of more Angels, I wanted them to live. I believed if I prayed enough and wished it enough and believed it enough that it would be so. That I would wake up pregnant or that they would live somehow. I wanted to be the mom that rocked them to sleep not the mom that buried them. I am now thankful for them, I am thankful to be their mother. I am thankful that they felt my love, that they were born to a mother that would wrap them in blankets, hold them tightly and cover them in kisses. I hold their hands and rubbed their toes. Other mothers may not have been able to do that, so I am thankful they got that, even though its not what I wanted.

  Some how this is what I needed, God doesn't really give us what we just want, he does however give us everything we need. We live in a world of sin, God didn't rip my babies from me, sin did. Not my sin. The sin of the world.  I did nothing to cause this to happen, no one caused it, there is no one to blame, except there is evil in the would and we live in a fallen world, their will be heartache and pain until the day God comes back for us. I use to be sad that the world would someday end. I wanted it to wait so I could watch my children grow, so that I could grow old with Jason, so I could see my grandchildren be born. I think differently now. I am waiting, waiting for the day Jesus comes back and wipes me tears away, Takes me from this pain and world full of sin, and to a place where I will forever be with him, and my children. I know God doesn't take delight in my sadness. I know he never wanted this sadness for me. I just have to figure out why I needed to be the mother of 3 angel babies, and what good can come out of this. Everything can be used for the goodness of God. I'm not sure where the goodness is in this right now, I have been thinking on it and how I can make this a good thing. I come up empty every single time.

Not ready

As someone who blogs her feelings, and most of her thoughts you would think there is nothing that I hold back. And that is simply not true. There is a whole list of things in a notebook that I am simply not ready to let the world in on. Some of it may never be written here. Sometimes I think...."oh what's the big deal..blog it". Then I think "well because that's too much". It's not too much to write or to think about or to read. It is however to much for my heart to see in print. Too much for me to release. Things I hold on to. Details that are just mine, that I don't want to share with anyone. Just like the clear pictures of my angels that I will not share. Am I ashamed of the way they looked? No never. Am I scared at the way people may react at seeing pictures of babies born so early? No never. That is a simple fact that their pictures are ones of the few things that I have that's just for me and my family I share.

Most people have a life time of memories with their children so sharing a few memories and a few pictures is no big deal. But imagine if you can for just a moment that you only had a very brief time with them. You have a limited amount of pictures and a limited amount of memories and details. All of them happened in less than 48 hours. You would probably hold them close and not let the world in on you most prized memories and pictures. You guard them with your heart. And what you do let out is just the tip of what you experienced. The love you pour out on pages is just the start of the love you feel, for these littlest of angels. The anger you express is just the start of how you feel. 

One day I maybe ready to express some of the things I'm not ready to write about yet. I may never be ready for other parts if it.