Grieve out Loud

Why do I grive out loud? Why do I share what I share here?

I wish I could say I do it for awareness like some bloggers do. I wish i could say it was to make baby loss an ok subject to talk about and not so taboo. But it's not. Not really. 

I wish I could say it makes me feel good. That it helps me feel closer to my babies to write about them. But no it's not that would be a lie. 

I wish I could say it was to help other women who are now where I was or who will one day walk in my path. But again that's not it. 

Sure some of this May bring Awareness to some people. Somedays it helps to remember my babies and it may one day help another mother. But that's not why I write. 

I write because I have to. I have to get thing out of my head sometimes. I write so I don't forget how I feel right now today. I will one day feel some better. This overwhelming sadness will one day lift but I will never want to forget the feelings I have right now. I work through my grief out loud. You know like some people talk with their hands, well that's me. I grive with a blog. I write. It may not all be beautiful words but it's real. Nothing I write is made up or thought up somewhere. This is my real life. And most of the time my real life is hell. At least for now. 

It's hard. Wanting to be happy. Wanting to join in on life and what others are doing but knowing you can't. It will hurt too much. Sometimes I think if I can get all the hurt out I will heal better. Like a posion. If you get bit by a snake and then get the posion out your ok. I wish I could get the hurt out that easy. I though of pushing myself. Going to see one of the umpteen women I know who have newborn and ask to  Hold them until I stop crying. Maybe that would get the hurt out, but honestly I don't think I have it in me and would probably not stop crying. It would probably make things so much worse. But I want it to make it better. 

Sometimes I write because I'm angry. Not sad but angry. I wasn't angry when Joshua died. I knew God would take care of me. I knew that I would learn something. That something good would come out of his death. Even though I didn't understand I trusted I had faith. When I got pregnant with twins I thought ok Lord this must to the challenge you had in store for me when you took Joshua. Oh was I wrong! I got mad when they died too. I thought why would God let this happen to me again. Only 8 months after. I didn't and don't understand. I don't see how this will ever amount to anything good. I'm angry at the world. Everyone and everything in it and beyond. .. That's heathy right? 

I told my dr that I was angry when he asked how I thought I was doing emotionally. I just said " I'm angry". His response... At who?  I sat there and then said. People He asked me. "What do people do to make you mad?" My answer. They breathe. 

Ah ok he starts writing. And talking. You know being stuck in the anger stage of grief is common. Yes I know. I'm going to write you something that I think will help. I responded with "Well I hope so". Stuck in anger. Yup stuck. If I could just see something good in any of this I may be able to let go of the anger but I don't and I'm scared I will never see any good in it and I will be angry for the rest of my life. The meds he wrote for me are helping. I am coping better. I have fewer lashing outs. And I'm sure Jason is glad for that since I tend to lash out at him. 

Sometimes I write because I miss my children. I want to hold them and kiss their faces again. I want them to know how much I love them and how much I think of them each and everyday. I miss them everyday. I think of how I should have them. How getting ready to go out should be harder. How I should be getting ready for Joshua's first Halloween. Getting ready to have twins. Having 3 extra kids in the house this Christmas. I'm missing things that haven't happened because they never will and it helps to say it out loud. 

Lost

Sometimes I feel a little lost. Like I should be doing something, Like I should be planning something researching something and I have no idea what that something is. Its the same feeling you get when you know you are forgetting something, but you can't seem to think of what that thing is, until you leave the house. I have that feeling all of the time. I know I am suppose to be doing something. What is it?

Planning

I am suppose to be planning for twins, I am by nature the most planned person you will ever meet. I can not just let things come as they may I must plan things and make list and then check it and change what needs to be changed and plan some more. Its not a bad thing, not really. I am always prepared, and I always know what to expect for the most part. I am just a planner. I hate not knowing when something is coming. Pregnancy was always hard because you never know exactly when baby is coming and I would plan "if it happened this or that day".

I now have nothing to plan

I was planning for Joshua. That was so interrupted i had nothing to replace it with, so I fell into a hole. and stayed there a while. Then Haleigh needed emergency surgery and that was not planned, I panic when I dont have time to plan, but I could then plan the next trips and surgery.

I was planning for my girls, I was researching what sleeping arrangements were best for twins, what carseat were best for smaller preterm babies, I was planning a celebration of life for them, I was lining up help in the early days, I had planned a section for 36 weeks, December 20th. I would have twins by Christmas...... Now there is nothing to plan, I have no where to put that energy. I feel like I'm slipping, back into the hole of nothing. Back to being Lost

Visions

When you were small, do you remember what you visioned your life to be like when you were big? Is that how your life turned out?

I can say my life is nothing like I visioned it would be when I was small. I wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to help sick kids. It didn't matter what kind of sickness they had, I just wanted to help them get better, and in my small eyes that is what doctors did. I also knew I wanted to be a mother. From a very young age I wanted to be a mother, and I wanted a house full of children.

I never imagined that 5 kids would seem like a small amount, I never thought 5 kids wouldn't be a house full. We had actually decided that 3 was full, then came Landon and then we knew we weren't ready to be done, then came Haleigh and we weren't sure. I felt for a long time that we were full with the 5 that we have, but as they grow older I realized that 5 is not a large number of children. It may have been when they were all 10 and under, but now that Maddie is 15 and Haleigh is creeping up on 5 years old. The house seems quieter. Seems bigger, their stuff doesn't take up near as much room as it use to. And I miss them being little. I was prepared to have another baby and then my heart was crushed. I was then preparing to have twins. Mentally it was taking a while and when it sat in I was just starting to look at matching carseats. When I was crushed again.

My Vision of the life I had planned never showed up, but I've always thought I had something better, that my life had turned out the way it was always meant to turn out and even if I never got to save sick kids, at least I get to help my own stay healthy.  I was giving my children life and that was enough. Until now, I just don't see how this is better. This is not what I wanted ever. I never wanted to have babies that were not savable, Babies that would never have a chance at life. I never envisioned that I would hold babies that had died, that I would burry them only a few days after their births. I never imagined I would be so unhappy all of the time.

This is not how my life was suppose to be, it wasn't suppose to turn out this way.

The process of grief

It's so confusing to go through more than one stage of grief at a time. Since grief isn't linear there is no time table, there is no guide.

It's been so different than with Joshua. When Joshua was born, my heart broke. It was in completely in pieces. I hurt. From the day I had him and for months after I physically hurt. I went in and out of anger and sometimes in the beginning I walked around in a fog, but most times I just hurt. 

Being pregnant again was healing. Even though it ended badly it was still a healing experience. When the Girls were born I hurt, just as deeply. But I believe my mind blocked some of the pain, I don't believe if I would have processed what was happening I would have lived. I honestly believe, I was in shock and was numb for a while. That's what my brain had to so to cope with such a great loss. That's why I could smile and joke, the night the were born. That's how I took all the pictures I did, that's how I kissed them good bye. 

Anger has been really hard. I've tried to focus all my anger on the medical community for not having better treatments in place for pPROM and preterm labor. For not being able to save my babies. It's their fought. I also carry with me guilt. And the fact that even though I did everything I could it wasn't enough. My best sucked! And I'm trying to find a way for that to be ok. 

Guilt is anger directed at yourself. 

Being numb has taken a while, but it has worn off more and more each day. And I've smiled less and been more stressed. I feel like I did in the beginning with Joshua. I feel like my heart has been crushed. That however doesn't mean I'm going backward in my journey through grief. It actually means I'm moving forward. That my brain is now able to handle some of this hurt. That its not pushing it away and ready to deal with some of it. 

Survival

That"s kind of what this feels like, I'm just trying to survive.

Did you know you can pass out from pain? Did you know you can be in so much pain that you stop feeling it? Well both are true. I don't deal well with physical pain. I am a wimp actually. I have cried over a twisted ankle and swore it was broken. Physically Faith and Hope's delivery was the most painful. No time for any pain medicine, my nurse was actually out of the room getting me a shot of pain medicine when Faith was born, she was pushing in the shot when Hope was born. It was a really quick delivery, but with out any relief from the pain and knowing after Faith was born that I wasn't done made the physical pain worse. They were my only completely drug free delivery. I don't recommend that doe anyone who is as a wimp as I am about pain, but I can say I survived. I didn't pass out, I didn't die, and I didn't stop feeling the pain.

Now that the physical pain (for the most part) is gone, the pain is emotional. I miss my kids, I want them with me. I long to hold them. And I never will again, not in this world. Sometimes it feels like physical pain, when my heart hurts and has my heart in knots, my chest aches. But, I know it heartache. Being that I can't control when I start feeling this way makes me nervous about going out, somethings trigger feelings, seeing newborns, hearing them cry, and seeing hugely pregnant women none of that is good for me. I feel like I'm just surviving right now. Not really living or participating in life at all, but going through the motions to be alive and vaguely being here for the people that are around me. Just Surviving day to day life and its exhausting. When Joshua was born there were days that I didn't think I would survive the pain I was in. The pain was so intense and started on day 1, that sometimes I thought, I would not live through it, it was impossible. When the girls were born, I think I went into complete shock, I had cried a lot, I was sad, but the intense pain that I felt with Joshua wasn't there. Instead I was angry. Angry at everyone, for everything. That Anger has lifted some, but it has been replaced with that deep intense sadness that I had those first few weeks with Joshua. The anger came later with him. Things remind me of my girls everyday. I look at their pictures. I ordered a photo book that will be here next week, on just my babies with wings. I try to remember that they were no bigger than my hand, I try to forget how silent it was in the room when they were born. I try to remember how perfect their feet and fingers were, I try to forget that those fingers will never wrap around mine and that I will never hear those feet running down the hall. So much I never want to forget, and so much I try to never think about. Its all apart of survival.

Surviving the unthinkable twice in less than a year. I've herd some people think I'm strong.... I'm not. I have no choice but to survive this. I am a mother and while three of my children didn't make it into this world alive, 5 of them did, I survive for them. They need me that need is stronger than my pain.

Sleep

I am either awake and can't sleep, or so tired that I can't stay awake. There is no in-between. I recently realized that the sleep medicine Unisom and the allergy medicine Benadryl are the same. Its also the same as the Medicine I was given when I was pregnant mixed with Vitamin B helps with morning/ all day sickness. So instead of buying 50mg tablets of Unisom, I took 3 10mg of morning sickness medicine. It took about 45 minutes to start working, but it did make me sleep..... and sleep..... and sleep. I was later getting the kids up for school and after they left I took a nap until Haleigh woke up. I am still so sleepy, this is worse than if I had not gotten any sleep. I use to take 2 pills every night before bed when I was pregnant with Faith and Hope, and it didn't make me super tired, just made me feel better. So I got 30mg of the active medicine n sleep aids, can you imagine what I would be feeling like if I had bought the 50mg tablets? I would probably still be sleeping..... and sleeping. They also still allowed me to dream... I hate dreaming. I either dream happy dreams that all 3 of my babies are alive and home with me... and I wake up only to realize that not even one of them is and my heart is crushed all over again. Or I will dream of the day I had them, sometimes its exactly as it was that day, sometimes its different, harder for some reason. In those dreams I am hurting in my dreams, my heart hurts when I wake up and sometimes when I wake up from these dreams I'm already crying. So I'd rather not dream at all. The only time I get Dreamless sleep is when I take the medicine the doctor gave me to sleep. Xanax, I was told not to take it every night though. But that 2-3 times a week is ok. I know why not every night. Its a highly addictive drug and I dont want to become dependent on it. In a way I already am dependent on drugs.... not big bad crack or anything, but I can not sleep without some kind of help so I am dependent on a sleep aid of some kind to sleep, that's dependency. Maybe one day I wont need it, and my dreams won't be filled with the worse days of my life. but for now they are. And for now I need the sleep to function, I cant be this tired everyday, I do have children who need me to function during the day after sleeping.

Big Brother

Joshua is a big brother. He has twin little sisters who were born on Tuesday just one day shy of his 8 month birthday. And today we laid them at his feet. I know they are all together, and I know they are in a place that I will be in one day, being taken care of by the family that has gone before us. But I'd rather have them here with me. I'd rather have an 8month old little boy and newborn twin girls and have my life completely crazy than have 3 angles in Heaven. My heart is broken.

It goes on and on..... Stuck

When I started this blog I did so to have a safe place to write down my thoughts. So they would stop spewing from my mouth and people would stop thinking I was going to kill myself. That honestly never ran through my head for more than a split second. It was more. "Why can't God take me instead" then I realized it was because I am still needed here to take care of my children and to make sure Joshua's short life would be remembered.

This blog has helped me get things that were rolling around in my head out and in a way heal some. I find I need to use it less. I'm still hurting, but the pain is not as intense as it once was.

I've always had a since of peace over Joshua's death and I think that came From my pastor in part, from the words God lead him to speak to me in the hospital and at Joshua's service. Some of what he said I don't remember and I wish I had voice recorded it so I could remember. I know nothing he said at the grave. Only that he read exactly what I had asked him to. But the church service was different. I listened to him and I felt like the only person in the room and that God was talking to me. Maybe that makes me crazy. But that's ok with me.

Sometimes I think the reason it all happened was so I would be more connected to God. People often need a really good reason to do things. Living right and for God is no exception. Is that the way it's suppose to be? Well no. We. Are suppose to love God and follow him because he loves us. We are suppose to do right because he loves us. But we are human, we are flawed, we live in a fallen world. I now long to be in heaven with Jesus one day. It's a feeling I've never had before. I imagine this is what anyone with faith and has lost a love one feels like. It's not that I want to go to heaven right now it's that I no longer have a fear of dying. There is no fear of the afterlife I know where I'm going and what's waiting there. I know Joshua is there and waiting on me. One day when God calls me home and not a second before I will finally get to hold my son again and kiss his sweet face. The fear of the unknown about what death and heaven would be like has been. Replaced with the joy of knowing when do go that Jesus has a great gift for me there.

I've gotten to a place in my grief that I'm not sure what I'm suppose to be doing. Nothing seems any kind of the same. And I know it never will. I walk by the baby asle at Walmart and I no longer need to run the other way. But I can't shop for other people's babies. I won't be going to the hospital to see any babies and I won't be attending any baby showers. I will not be a nursery worker. Those are all things I use to do. I just can't. The last baby I held is still Joshua and I'm not ready to give that up yet. My arms still ache to hold him. In a way I feel like I'm at a stand still.

Is this it? Is this how in going to feel forever? Is there any other stages of healing I will get to? Am at a stand still it seems.

So while I may not write everyday I do still need this blog. I still need to write down crazy thoughts and get them out of my head. Sometimes they run in a never ending loop and the only way to get them to stop is to write it out.

More little questions.

My Youngest daughter Haleigh had been asking questions today. They come out of nowhere. And disappear just as sudden.

Today she was walking around the house yelling "Joshua" "Joshua" so I asked her what she was doing? She said she was looking for Joshua because. "He's lost mommy, he needs a hug". It took all I had not to cry. I scooped her up and hugged her. She asked me to help her find her brother. Threw tears I told her he was in heaven. She asked me not to be sad. I wish it was as simple as she hopes it it. To just be happy and not sad. To drive to heaven and "get my brother". She sings to him. Mostly Jesus loves me and adds and Joshua in with it. Sometimes twinkle twinkle little star. She prays and asks me to pray with her. Praying is still hard for me but its getting better. She's helping me pray. She always ends with. "And rock Joshua in a chair kiss his head. Amen"

It's the sweetest words I've ever heard

2 Months

Yesterday was 2 months. I didn't write about it because I was not overwhelmed by sadness. Instead I was more focused on the diapers project. The project is really helping me. It kept me busy on a very hard day and I'm very thankful for that.

I've thought more about it today because I'm not as busy. And it's Valentine's Day and we always buy our children a little something and it was sad as I realized I would never buy my Joshua a Valentine, I will never fill his name out in little cards for school, buy his girl friend a gift or flowers, I will never help him plan a date or watch him get married. It's so hard on these days.

I have plans for so special flowers for him on Easter, but that is again going to be a very hard day.

Distracted

I have been distracted all day today. For reasons I didn't know. I almost didn't even go to church and I missed Sunday school. I didn't even try hard enough to get the kids to go with me. So all but Haleigh stayed home.

I really liked church today. It actually went along with my post yesterday. It was about loving each other the way God loves us, forgiving and loving more. It really hit home.

I went to the cemetery. And they have added dirt on top then moved the sod back. My parents put out some Mardi Gras beads out there and someone had added some flowers. I rarely buy flowers to put out there. I have actually only done it once.

I buy flowers for my table instead. I have never been the flower type of girl I never saw a point in them. They just die any way. After Joshua's service I had flowers on my table and 2 plants to take care of. They are a great reminder. So when the flowers on the table died 3 weeks later ( I took great care of them ) I bought more. And so on. They last about 2 weeks, and I love seeing them every morning. The plants are thriving and I love it. I bought more today. Picking red and purple ones.

I then came home where I watched Peter Pan with Haleigh and played a game with her.

As I was starting dinner I checked Madalyn ball schedule for a date we had something planned. And I realized its the 10th. Almost the 13th. Almost 2 months. I think that's what I was so off today. I'm realizing if he was born now he would have lived. I would be 28 weeks only 12 weeks until my due date. How am I ever going to get through the first week of May.

Not Doing So Good

I guess maybe you could tell from yesterday's post that I was not in a good mood or that something was wrong. Well, you'd be right. Yesterday I recieved a message saying I was "dwelling" on Joshua's death. That I should "get over it, move on maybe just get pregnant" and the kicker "she lost her dog a few months ago so she "knows" my pain". So yes I was to say the least in a bad mood yesterday.

I don't feel like I'm dwelling on Joshua's death too much. I miss him. And that's not going away. I think about him all the time. And that's not going anywhere either. It's not even been 2 months. I don't see how anyone can say I should feel normal again at all. This new normal is not so great though. It's rough I got to tell ya. I wish u could go back. I even wish sometimes that I was never pregnant. Then I wouldn't know this pain. I know that may sound awful. It feels awful.

I've started to sleep a lot more. I'm not sure if I was left to just sleep if I'd wake up at all. I was left today. Jason figured if I was sleeping I must need it. Haleigh finally had enough and woke me up around 1pm. And I was still feeling tired. Maybe it's because I've been so sick. Maybe it's because I didn't get any sleep over the weekend. Maybe it's because I'm depressed. Maybe I was just tired. I really don't know what it is. I feel like I should be happier. I know I have a lot in my life to be happy and thankful for yet I can't focus on happy things as much as I'd like to it just doesn't come easy to me.

My sister wrote a blog about trusting Gods will for her life. It's somewhat of a comfort to know that I'm not the only one that struggles with that daily. I use to do what I wanted and had life planned. Then I decided to lead the life Christ wanted me to lead and let me tell you it's hard! It's even harder when what you know God wants you to do is not what your doing. Right now I do something everyday that I know I should not be doing. It's wrong and I know God doesn't want me doing it. But I am scared so I do it anyway. I'm not ready to follow Gods plan right now and I know that's wrong. But like I said I'm scared. I was following Gods plan when Joshua died, I can't take that again.

I prayed and listened for a long while about birth control and I believe God doesn't want me on it. We have been careful in our actions, but ultimately we have been lead to let God plan our family. It's not been all wonderful. We've had multiple early losses and multiple pregnancy issues including preterm labor and deliveries. And then of course the pPROM I experienced with Joshua. It's all cought up with me now and it's scared me back to birth control pills. I take it everyday and everyday I feel it's not right for me.

I've always said and I know that no one is ever promised a perfect healthy pregnancy or baby. And I've been on both sides if it. From taking home a full term healthy baby, to taking home a box of the only memories I will ever have and everything In-between I've had those experiences of not knowing I'd your baby will be ok or have long term issues and nothing has scared me into taking birth control like Joshua's death has.

I believe that God will not give me more than I can handle but at the moment I also believe I'm at my limit and he has complete faith in my ability to over come this, the problem is I don't have that same faith in myself. I am just hardly getting by and surviving through this, if I was to loose another child in anyway I am not sure I'd make it. Would God put that on me? Does he think I could handle that? I don't know if he does or not, and I'm too scared to find out the answer. So for now I rebel against God. I search for answers about what it all means and I pray I am shown the way and given the strength to follow what I know is right. And to leave my fears at the feet of Jesus.

Being Sensitive

I've always tried to be sensitive to other people and their pain. The pain of loss is like no other. Wether it's a loss that you expected because maybe someone had been sick or if its an unexpected loss of someone who had been healthy. Loss hurts and I try to be understanding but sometimes I just don't understand people.

First I never compare my loss of Joshua to any other loss. Even my other losses. Because each one is different. My loss is different than yours and while we may find common ground they are not the same and can't be treated as such.

Second just because we may share common ground doesn't mean we need to bond over it. I may seem like a very open person. I mean hey I'm writing in a public blog for the world to read. But honestly I do this for me, it's a way to get my thoughts straight and work through my feelings.

I feel bad that I feel the way I do about some people and their losses. I think it's because I have had early pregnancy loss and a baby die that I see these things as very different. Don't get me wrong my early losses hurt and I grieved those babies. But to a lesser extent of course. I understand how if that is the only loss you've ever had how it can be life altering because the reality is that, that baby you wanted and you had dreams for that baby as soon as you find out they are on the way. I know I did. I always felt a connection with my babies as soon as their were 2 lines on the stick. But when I lost those babies early I cried and I missed them. I wondered what they would have been.

But I didn't hold them in my arms.

I didn't know if they were boys or girls. I didn't see their faces and kiss their heads. I didn't burry them and have to say goodbye. I don't have a box full of pictures and a news paper clipping. I only have a stick with 2 lines and 2-3 weeks if hoping things would go good. But with Joshua I have those things. I had 15 weeks if knowing I felt him kick, I heard his heart beat. I saw him move around on the ultrasound. I saw him suck his thumb. I saw his sweet face and kissed his feet and hands. I held him as he passed away. I visit him in the cemetery.

So yes, for me it's very different. My losses at 6 weeks were nothing compared to the loss of Joshua. I can't imagine the pain of loosing my sisters or parents, but I know the pain of loosing a child. The one thing your suppose to out live is your child. No one should have to burry their babies, it's not the way life should work. This fallen world is truly upside down and our only hope is God.

Time

Time heals all wounds. That's what "they" say. I however believe that is a complete lie. Time has not helped me heal. Time is not a friend to me anymore. Things change with time and my feelings and pain have changed, but its all still there. I've gotten better at hiding my pain with time, but the pain the wounds are still there still open. So time hasn't helped me at all.

I do think about time a lot and today I went to the cemetery and moved the leaves off Joshua's site I thought about how over time the leaves I move will go from being brown to green the yellow and back to brown. And I wonder how else things out there will change. I know it will look a little different when we get the headstone placed and if someone else is buried close by. But for the most part things over time will be the same our there. I thought today that I would be 28 weeks now and that would have been time I needed that Joshua needed to grow and develop. I would be bigger. I would be feeling him roll around in me. He would be around 2 and a half to 3 pounds now. And while we would have had 12 weeks left until my due date I feel comfortable enough with premature babies that i know if my water broke now he would have made it. He just needed a little more time. Time that I couldn't give to him.

I don't have much time left with my other children either. I feel like I'm running out if time with them. In 4 short years my oldest will be finishing high school. And then every couple years after that another one will leave. I'm not ready to let any of them go. Time is not slowing down. It's not giving me extra to grieve my son while still allowing me to enjoy my living children. Somedays it hurts to much to be a mom. To be the kind of mom I use to be. The kind of mom I want to be. The mom I won't get to be for Joshua. Life has a way if tricking us into believing we have more time. That we have time to be together. That we have time for tomorrow, when really all we have time for is today. Today is the time not tomorrow. I just wish it didn't hurt so much. The more time that passes the more I miss him. The more I long to hold him and kiss his sweet face.

Happy Thoughts

Everyone's seen Peter Pan. Everyone knows you need a happy thought to fly, well that along with faith, trust and piksy dust. Disney is rerelease Peter Pan this week, it's always been a favorite of mine. I think Haleigh's only seen it once. I'm going to buy it on blue ray so she can watch it on the way to her follow up appointment Thursday. She's seen the commercial and remembers the ride at Disney back in November.

It's hard for me to think about our Disney trip sometimes. I was pregnant and a little uncomfortable. I didn't ride anything because I wasn't suppose to, but I did do a ton of walking. I wasn't on restricted anything though so I have to believe the walking was ok. I made a point to sit and rest when needed. I've been to Disney 3 other times pregnant so I know the dos and don't of pregnant vacation. Haleigh loves to look at our pictures. We bought a book. It's our gift to each other for Christmas. It's really nice to have our memories in there. I'm pregnant and you can see it in every picture. I was so happy. Full of life and smiles in every picture. All of us were. We had such a great trip.

Tonight I dropped Aden off at a church sleepover. Haleigh off at my sisters house and Landon was riding with me. Just the two of us. He was talking about our Disney trip and how much fun we had. He asked if we could go back soon. I told him that we would be going on a different vacation but not to Disney. He just said "oh" I then told him we would have fun where ever we went. He, with his little voice, said something very big: "I like it at Disney mom, everyone was smiling" it hit me, Disney is our last good family memory before Joshua died. That was our Thanksgiving. We came home and the kids started back school. 2 weeks later Joshua died. That vacation was the last thing that my kids remember being happy at and they know it. They remember me and Jason being happy then too and they want that again. I want it again too. Disney our vacation is their happy thought.

I hope I can make some good memories with them this summer. I want to take them camping. They love camping. I want them to see me really happy again. The way I was. I want them to remember how I was and that I was strong enough to still be their mother after the loss of their brother. I want them to know that my love for them has not and will never changed. That they will always be my babies. I want them to be proud that I'm their mom. I don't want them to be scared to have children of their own one day. I hope they learn that all life is a gift and not to take it for granted. But to also be able to relax and enjoy it.

Harder to sleep.

I've been sick this week. Generally speaking we are a healthy family. I believe Haleigh was introduced to some kind of flu while at the hospital. She was the first to be sick followed by Collin, Landon, Aden, Jason and myself. How Madalyn has not been sick is a mystery, but I hope she stays well. Everyone is getting better I still have a couch. Collins turned into an infection. But still it's not as bad as it was. I had no warning actually I was fine Saturday and I thought the kids were all feeling some better as well. Jason was at his worse that day though. But Sunday morning I woke up at 530am shaking from fever. It took all I had to get out of the bed and find some meds. 2 hours later my fever finally broke and I was able to sleep. My wonderful daughter came home from her friends house to watch the other kids so I could rest and just "be sick". I'm still sick but at least there is no fever. I'm just dizzy and can't sleep. Probably from the meds they don't say day or night time but they are keeping me up. I'm afraid of becoming dependent on sleep aids so I won't even take the night time meds. That may sound crazy but I don't want to need pills. And especially if I found ones that would make me not dream, I'd be hooked for sure.

I dream of Joshua all the time. It's impossible not to. It never goes the way it really went though. Sometimes he's born big, healthy, screaming. Just the way a newborn should be. Just as we are getting ready to leave the hospital the nurse tells me I can't have him home with me. No one takes babies home anymore she says. Sometimes it's all happy and those dreams are the hardest to wake up from. I like being in that dream. Holding him rocking him to sleep, but when I wake up those are the hardest mornings and my roughest days. Because I realize its all been a dream and he's gone. Some dreams I can't repeat because they are awful, those are the ones that make my heart race and I wake up in a sweat. Some nights I don't dream at all, because I don't sleep at all. I'm not sure if fear of dreaming is keeping me awake or something else but I've got to find away not to lie awake for hours in end only to never fall asleep. It's not caffeine I rarely drink anything except water, so who knows. Eventually I will sleep hopefully it's not at an inconvenient time.

I hope to feel good enough tomorrow to go see my mom. We are going to start working on a project. Hopefully that goes as planned.

6weeks 3weeks

Yesterday marked week number 6 since Joshua's birth. Man it seems like so much longer than that. I've been through so much that I never thought I would go through and still be standing. But I have made it to the 6 week mark and here I am, a completely different person, but still standing. I think about how my other children were at 6 weeks. It's not hard to think back to exactly 6 weeks because I always had my check up at 6 weeks. Madalyn was holding he head strong and eating a lot. Sleeping a little longer at night and awake most of the day. Collin was starting to wake up more but was still up every 4 hrs at night and I was so tired. He also had reflux. Aden had only been home for a week and I was so nervous with him and the apnea monitor. I was very protective. Landon was still in the NICU at 6 weeks and I will never forget the nurse who asked why I didn't bring the baby to my appointment. I told her he was still in the NICU and she had no clue what to say. Haleigh was already having blood work and test to see why she was still not growing and this is also when I found out my milk was making he sick. So 6 weeks with Joshua and he's not here do my memory will be what? That I am so tired, that I missed him today? Just is so unfair, that I don't get to make memories with him.

I didn't have a 6 week check up I went in at 3 weeks to get help. So it's been 3 weeks on the pills and I believe they are really helping especially with the obsessiveness. It's hard to explain how one goes from, not really caring that the house is always clean, to feeling like your coming out of your skin because a cup is dirty. I'm not sure why my mind decided to focus on cleaning as a coping skill but it did. I know that when I left for the hospital there were so many things that were on my to do list and they had not been crossed off that day. So the house was a mess. When I got home 4 days later the same clothes sat in a chair needing to be folded. There were dishes to be done the bathroom was a mess and my room looked like a bomb went off. And we needed to put up our Christmas tree. I decided to sit and fold clothes I didn't stop until they were all done then Jason vacuumed. We put the tree up and went to bed. The next morning the dishes were there and I did them. I washed clothes and matched socked. It kept me busy all day. By Monday every piece if clothing was washed, dried, folded and put away and the kitchen was always cleaned. My room was getting there. I worked like a robot for 3 weeks. When I went to the dr he asked me if I had any behavior changes and I told him about my cleaning. He said it was Post Traumatic Obsessive Disorder. It's all about being in control. Some people try to control their kids 100% of the time or their spouse or their job. My brain decided to control the cleaning. I have cleaned all the clutter and the house looks great. My meds have helped me in these last 3 weeks to resist the urges to wash dishes 16 Times a day or to wash clothes as soon as they are off my body. There are actually 2 loads needing folding right now. I'm proud that I was able to let go enough to sit and not fold them.

I still can't go without vacuuming everyday. But it's not 3 times a day. I still can't leave dishes behind and go to bed but I can leave lunch dishes until dinner. I still can't go a day with out washing all the clothes but I don't have to rush and fold while still warm.

I know it may sound crazy and that's ok. Because this is part of the new me. Part if my new life and my new normal.

Wanting to forget Wanting to remember

It's hard to feel so torn all the time. I so badly don't want to remember anything about this experience it hurts and I wish I could wipe it all from my memory. But I never want to forget Joshua. The way he felt kicking away. The way I felt seeing him on the ultrasound. The way he looked with his blond eye brows and small but there eye lashes. I never want to forget the way his chin dimpled. I want to remember everything about him forever but I wish it didn't hurt so much an that makes me want to forget.

Joshua had perfect formed features. You could already tell what he would have looked like as a newborn. I saw a little of each of the other kids in him. So when I see Landon pout I see Joshua's chin when I see Madalyn smile I see Joshua's lips. When I see Aden sleep I see Joshua shaped eyes. When I see Collin with wet hair and can see his forehead I see Joshua's as well. When I see Haleigh with her white hair I see Joshua's white eye brows too. They are great reminders if him even though we have a lot of pictures of him they are just flat images. Not real my living kids are breathing real reminders so that I don't forget the good I had with him and so that I don't forget the 19 weeks that I got to hold him.

Saying it well.

At least I'm normal.....

Possibilities

I lay in bed and wonder about all the possible outcomes for life. How any of us survive to adulthood is purely by the grace of God. And those that don't were simply to great for this world. I truly believe that Joshua was too great for earth. But I wonder what the possibilities would have been for him. Even if we would have been able to get to viability what kind of life would he have had. A lot and probably most people don't know what the water actually does while your pregnant. For starters it develops the lungs and kidney. Without the water to more around the arm and legs can become bound and cause loss of limbs or low function. There are mental handicaps like CP that could also result in not having water, infection is high for both mother and baby. But even with all that there are women that carry close to term, their babies spend a few extra months in the NICU because mostly of breathing and lung issues and then they go home and lead a mostly normal life.

I wish I could have heard him cry. Seen him smile. Made him laugh.


The morning after my water broke we were faced with the choice to try and beat the odds and know the high chance of Joshua being "not perfect" and even dying despite everything or being induced. I got to say I never thought I would have to make that choice. Things like this do not happen to people like me. I did what I was suppose to do. I didn't drink or smoke no drugs. I went to my appointments got my shots. Listened to my OB. I was suppose to be healthy.

My OB said I needed 48 hours of bed rest and antibiotics. If I wanted to continue being pregnant then I could go home and wait until I hit 23 weeks then I would be admitted into the children's hospital until delivery. I don't think I have ever prayed for God to show me what to do so hard in my life. I know there were a lot of people praying for us as well.

The next morning my OB is there to check on me and ask if we made a choice yet. No I tell him I can't do it. I can not choice anything. I tell him I don't want to do "this" anymore. Not long after that i start bleeding and I know God is telling me to let go that he's taking Joshua with him and I can't stop it. My OB explained that with the bleeding And contractions that we would have to stay in the hospital. Because I had a section before they had to be sure I was ok. After a few more hrs and a lot more heavy bleeding. We made the heartbreaking choice to let Joshua go. My dr gave me some meds to speed delivery because the bleeding had gotten worse he was worried about possible surgery. I got an epidural and 2 hours later Joshua was born.

Only God knew when I got my positive test that Joshua's life would be so short and that he would have so few possibilities. I never imagined I'd have to make the choice I made. It hurts that I couldn't lay there and be a success story. But God he knew from the beginning and he knows my pain, remember he too once lost his son. He knows the possibilities for my life and where I am headed. I pray it's better than where I am now.