Easter 2014

Happy Easter

 

 

 

 

 

 

Merry Christmas Baby Girls

Time to celebrate..... What?

Tomorrow is the annual Christmas dinner/party at Jason's work. I don't want to go. I hate going. I don't know anyone. Most everyone who works there are men and so it's a bunch of men talking about work with their wives staring off into space wondering when we can leave.

Last year I took it as a last time to go out before the baby was to be born. I was showing. I sat and talked with another wife for a few minutes about how we were expecting a boy. What if she sees me? What if she remembers I was pregnant? What if she asks? What do I say? "Oh...that yeah...um.... He died a week after last years party then I got pregnant again and had twins....but.... They died too and now... Well .... Now I can't have any more children. But hey Merry Christmas".  I'm sure that will not be awkward at all. 

I wish I could say he's doing fine. Learning to crawl and say mama. I wish I could say he's alive and well. I wish I could say we have to leave early because this is the first time I've left him. 

Things are so much different this year for the party than last year. I wonder if anyone will miss me if I hide in the bathroom all night. I am just reminded how happy I was last year and how sad I am now. 

A year ago

It seems I can recall this time last year clearer than I ever have been. I have had memory lapse since December 11th 2012. I still can't recall most of Christmas or New Years. However doing things this year has triggered some things that happened last year. I'm not sure I am ready for all the memories and feelings that are coming through. But I don't have the ability to stop them either.

Some of the most recent things that have come to light. 

December 1,2012 was a Saturday. We had a party and told our family that we were expecting a boy. It was a very exciting day. 

December 1, 2013 was a Sunday. We put the tree up the night before. All day I thought about how last year we celebrated and this year there is no baby. My son is gone. 

Last year we hadn't put up our tree yet but we had lots of time. We had just gotten back from Disney World and we had started shopping. Not only for Christmas gifts but for baby things. We picked out a whole nursery theme, I won't be able to look at monkeys with out thinking of Joshua. I still love looking at them though. 

This time last year I didn't know the heartache of losing a child. I didn't know that within the next year I would burry not 1 but 3 children. I was blissfully unaware of the horror that waited me and my family. The pain and joy. Yes joy that came with the birth of my babies. The sadness that came with their deaths. I wish I could go back and still be blind to all the sadness and pain. But I can't. I am now awake to all of it. 

Thanksgiving Day

The day started out nice. I woke up after sleeping in a bit. I took my time getting the turkey on since we had decided on a later eating time the was no rush to get done. Jason and Madalyn came home from their morning hunt. I took a shower then, Madalyn, Haleigh and I headed to visit the babies at the cemetery. I never thought my Thanksgiving day would include a cemetery visit, but it did. My Grandmother is out there as well. Madalyn walked Haleigh over there after they visited the babies a little. Giving me my much needed alone time with them. I told them how thankful I am to have had them, even if it was such a short sweet time. I of course would change the fact that they died if I could. But if I had to chose the time I had with them or never having known them at all I would chose the time I had with them. Even though it hurts they are my babies and I do not regret them even a little. I do however miss them horribly, I love them whole heartedly, I long to be with them just a minute more.

We stayed about 45 minutes. Left feeling like I had at least felt a little closer to them while I was there. I hated leaving like always. I tried to put on a happy face the rest of the day. I'm sure it didn't work. There was not a minute that I didn't feel someone was missing. I fell asleep on the couch and felt the ache in my arms where my baby should be napping. I felt a pain in my stomach when my 34 weeks pregnant belly should be. 

Friday I shopped and tried not to look at the baby things. The toys for the "baby first Christmas" the newborn outfits to dress like Santa. 

The holiday season will be the same. But I have faith that one day maybe it won't hurt so much. 

Thanksgiving.

I failed at my 30 days of thankfulness. It's not that I don't have 30 things I'm thankful for. I do, but the closer thanksgiving gets the more I think about last year. Happy. Disney. Pregnant. Joshua. Happy. And it makes me sad. He should be here. I should still be pregnant with the girls or making a trip to the nicu at least to see them. Instead I will head to the grave yard and visit all three of them. I have now realized this is forever, and my heart aches. I have to spend the next forever thanksgivings missing my babies and thinking about how life would be different. About how old they should be. About all I wanted to share with them. A life time of holidays not celebrated with them. It sucks so bad. I wish I could skip it. All of it. I hate feeling this way. Is it 2014 yet. 2014 has be be a better year. 2013 was horrible.

Happy Halloween

Yesterday was Halloween. I had a headache for the early part of the day. I believe it was allergies and over tiredness. I cooked dinner. Chicken n Rice. A favorite for my kids, (however it took me months to make it after I had Joshua. It's what I cooked the night my water broke with him. ) I then got them ready to go to the church fall festival and to trick or treat. While getting Haleigh in her pink bat girl costume. I began to think of Joshua. It should have been his first Halloween. I should be getting him dressed and needing a stroller. I should also be so big and pregnant with twins that I would need to drive and not walk a lot. But that was not what happened. I got my kids ready, pushed the thoughts of my lost little ones aside put a smile on my face and had a Happy Halloween.

I wondered as I put my children in bed last night if I would always have that cloud that hung over me tonight. If I would always be sad about what could have been with my children in heaven if they would have stayed here on earth with me. Will I ever truely enjoy a holiday again? I can't answer any of those right now, but I have hope that one day I will enjoy the things I use to enjoy. That even though I will always think of them that the pain will not be as intense as it is now. That I won't have to smile through it, instead I can smile because if it. 

Until then though I will not let my children know how sad I was and will be. Especially with Christmas coming. They deserve a happy mother, who bakes cookies with them and sings frosty the snow man with a smile. And that's what I am going to do for them. But Joshua, Faith and Hope will always be there in my thoughts and in my heart. I will always wish they were here. I will always wish things were different.

November is Coming

There are only 2 days of October left after today. This whole month I have been doing the Capture you Grief Photo Challenge, its been extremely hard some days. Yet it has also been uplifting, inspiring, and healing for me. It has made me look into some feelings I have. I have been pushed to explore and think about things that I haven't before. In the middle of the challenge I thought about stopping. Would anyone even notice that I didn't continue? No one would say a word. Except me I would know that I quit and I didn't want to quit because it was hard. Some days were really easy. Like the jewelry day. That day I didn't even have to think about what to post. Most days were very emotional as I sat and thought about my babies. It has given me a focus. I have been able to spend the time I needed to think about my children, what they meant to me and what they meant to my family. Time I never got just to be with them, time to reflect of them and their short lives. Time until now I didn't know I needed. I was able to realize just how much I have changed and see everything that has changed in my family over this year. I was able to see just how much has passed by while I have been engulfed in grief. Dare I say I am going to miss this. I am going to miss reflecting on my babies everyday. I am going to miss sharing a part of them everyday. I am going to miss reading everyone else's post and hearing their stories. The community of baby loss parents. I'm going to miss that. I know I could continue. Their is no rule that says you have to stop. However I would have to come up with subjects all on my own and I am not ready for that. And I would be doing it alone. There would be no community there with me.

So on to November it is..... On to being thankful.

I have a lot to be thankful for, So I have decided to post everyday in the month of November something I am thankful for. I know I can do 30days of that. I have so much to be thankful for... so much more than 30 day worth.

These next few weeks are full of memories from last year. I had started to feel better, and feel Joshua move around. Halloween was one of the first times I had went out feeling good. November I starting buying things, found out we were having a boy and planned the party to tell everyone on Dec1st. These memories are very vivid. Very much real and so heart crushing, yet I'm thankful I have them. Because that's all I have of them now memories, forever etched in my being.

Happy Easter

This weekend has been extra hard for me. I'm not too sure why though. Everyday is hard. Friday I went to buy things for Easter. While doing so I bought Joshua an Easter Lily, a yellow egg and bow for it. I took it to him and thought "this is not what I should have gotten my child for Easter" I looked around and thought of some things. A stuffed bunny? It would just get Rained on and dirty. No need for candy. No need for a basket. I was heart broken that forever I will take my baby flowers for every holiday, for ever birthday there will only be flowers. I want to give him so much more than that.



Today we went to an Easter egg hunt that our church was putting on. The kids had a great time. I smiled and some were not even forced but I still thought of how I would never see Joshua hunt eggs. Or even feel grass. There is so much I wanna do with him. And I know I will never get the chance. I really miss my baby. I'm not sure how parents who don't have other kids at home get through the death of their child, because they are the only thing holding me together. They are why I don't give up. My reason for waking up in the mornings.

Happy Easter

2 Months

Yesterday was 2 months. I didn't write about it because I was not overwhelmed by sadness. Instead I was more focused on the diapers project. The project is really helping me. It kept me busy on a very hard day and I'm very thankful for that.

I've thought more about it today because I'm not as busy. And it's Valentine's Day and we always buy our children a little something and it was sad as I realized I would never buy my Joshua a Valentine, I will never fill his name out in little cards for school, buy his girl friend a gift or flowers, I will never help him plan a date or watch him get married. It's so hard on these days.

I have plans for so special flowers for him on Easter, but that is again going to be a very hard day.

Merry Christmas

Christmas 2012 is coming to a close and it has been a really sad day. The weather is even dark.

Madalyn, Collin, Aden, Landon, and Haleigh had a great day and I can only imagine how wonderful Joshua's day was. Spending Jesus' birthday with him in heaven.

My day here on earth was just hard . I want my baby back and I know I can never have him hear in earth and I don't know how many more Christmas I am going to spend here without him.

I went to see him today at the cemetery and it was cold and windy there so we didn't stay very long. I bought a baby's first Christmas hat for him and when I got there I saw that my mother had gotten an angel and put it out there for him so I put the hat on the angles head. It was a goo d fit. I had all the kids with me and some how I kept it all together and didn't have a complete brake down. We left there and went to my sisters house to celebrate Christmas with my family. I would have really liked to go home and to bed but I managed to go and smile and even eat.

I'm thankful I have such a thoughtful family. But nothing can take this pain away. I know I'm suppose to learn something from this I am suppose to do something, something is suppose to come of this but I'm just not sure what it is.

Christmas Eve

We went to church tonight as a family to the Christmas Eve service at a friends church. It was nice to be with God. But even there surrounded by people I felt really alone and could not wait to leave. I wanted to just do something nice together as a family, and reading Gods words makes me feel closer to Christ as closer to Joshua. Anything that makes me feel closer to Joshua I throw myself into but tonight I didn't have that feeling. Tonight I felt lost. I just don't want to have Christmas this year I just want it to be over. I want to go to sleep and wake up from this nightmare. Christmas use to be my favorite holiday, it use to make me feel good inside and now I only feel pain and sadness.