Thanksgiving Day

The day started out nice. I woke up after sleeping in a bit. I took my time getting the turkey on since we had decided on a later eating time the was no rush to get done. Jason and Madalyn came home from their morning hunt. I took a shower then, Madalyn, Haleigh and I headed to visit the babies at the cemetery. I never thought my Thanksgiving day would include a cemetery visit, but it did. My Grandmother is out there as well. Madalyn walked Haleigh over there after they visited the babies a little. Giving me my much needed alone time with them. I told them how thankful I am to have had them, even if it was such a short sweet time. I of course would change the fact that they died if I could. But if I had to chose the time I had with them or never having known them at all I would chose the time I had with them. Even though it hurts they are my babies and I do not regret them even a little. I do however miss them horribly, I love them whole heartedly, I long to be with them just a minute more.

We stayed about 45 minutes. Left feeling like I had at least felt a little closer to them while I was there. I hated leaving like always. I tried to put on a happy face the rest of the day. I'm sure it didn't work. There was not a minute that I didn't feel someone was missing. I fell asleep on the couch and felt the ache in my arms where my baby should be napping. I felt a pain in my stomach when my 34 weeks pregnant belly should be. 

Friday I shopped and tried not to look at the baby things. The toys for the "baby first Christmas" the newborn outfits to dress like Santa. 

The holiday season will be the same. But I have faith that one day maybe it won't hurt so much. 

Thanksgiving.

I failed at my 30 days of thankfulness. It's not that I don't have 30 things I'm thankful for. I do, but the closer thanksgiving gets the more I think about last year. Happy. Disney. Pregnant. Joshua. Happy. And it makes me sad. He should be here. I should still be pregnant with the girls or making a trip to the nicu at least to see them. Instead I will head to the grave yard and visit all three of them. I have now realized this is forever, and my heart aches. I have to spend the next forever thanksgivings missing my babies and thinking about how life would be different. About how old they should be. About all I wanted to share with them. A life time of holidays not celebrated with them. It sucks so bad. I wish I could skip it. All of it. I hate feeling this way. Is it 2014 yet. 2014 has be be a better year. 2013 was horrible.

November is Coming

There are only 2 days of October left after today. This whole month I have been doing the Capture you Grief Photo Challenge, its been extremely hard some days. Yet it has also been uplifting, inspiring, and healing for me. It has made me look into some feelings I have. I have been pushed to explore and think about things that I haven't before. In the middle of the challenge I thought about stopping. Would anyone even notice that I didn't continue? No one would say a word. Except me I would know that I quit and I didn't want to quit because it was hard. Some days were really easy. Like the jewelry day. That day I didn't even have to think about what to post. Most days were very emotional as I sat and thought about my babies. It has given me a focus. I have been able to spend the time I needed to think about my children, what they meant to me and what they meant to my family. Time I never got just to be with them, time to reflect of them and their short lives. Time until now I didn't know I needed. I was able to realize just how much I have changed and see everything that has changed in my family over this year. I was able to see just how much has passed by while I have been engulfed in grief. Dare I say I am going to miss this. I am going to miss reflecting on my babies everyday. I am going to miss sharing a part of them everyday. I am going to miss reading everyone else's post and hearing their stories. The community of baby loss parents. I'm going to miss that. I know I could continue. Their is no rule that says you have to stop. However I would have to come up with subjects all on my own and I am not ready for that. And I would be doing it alone. There would be no community there with me.

So on to November it is..... On to being thankful.

I have a lot to be thankful for, So I have decided to post everyday in the month of November something I am thankful for. I know I can do 30days of that. I have so much to be thankful for... so much more than 30 day worth.

These next few weeks are full of memories from last year. I had started to feel better, and feel Joshua move around. Halloween was one of the first times I had went out feeling good. November I starting buying things, found out we were having a boy and planned the party to tell everyone on Dec1st. These memories are very vivid. Very much real and so heart crushing, yet I'm thankful I have them. Because that's all I have of them now memories, forever etched in my being.