Triggers

Triggers what does it mean?

I see that word and it has multiple meanings for me. 

At one point it might mean I have a migraine and something I ate triggered it (pork). 

I read it at the top of a post in my loss group and I know that they are either announcing a pregnancy or birth of their rainbow. 

A trigger for the Baby loss community looks different for everyone in it. It may look different for every person every day. 

When Joshua died I couldn't even look at my own maternity clothes they just reminded me that I wasn't pregnant with him. I leaked for a while after he was born when I heard a baby cry. My triggers that lead to me crying in the bathroom at target included walking past a baby's sock. It was a very painful time to be me. And I suspect even around me. 

When Faith and Hope were still safely tucked inside my womb, I has thoughts of how healing having twins was since I had lost Joshua. I still had issues with stores so I looked on line. When they died my triggers were not only that of Radom baby things but now included all things twin. Even the off chance of catching a re-run of Sister-Sister hurt. I was set off by little girls who looked alike or who were not twins but were dressed alike. Same out fit, same bow, different colors. All I could think was, how I was robbed of the chance to parent my children.  

As my grief had changed so has my triggers. I still stair at pregnant women and hope their babies make it. I pray every night that my sister brings her baby home from the hospital healthy. I can online shop for her. I haven't tried to go to the baby store yet. I may try.... I may order. I can hold babies, but I don't want to put them down or give them back. I still feel robbed. Cheated. Shorthanded. But it no longer keeps me a prisoner of my home. I am no longer crying in the bathroom at target. 

One day I may be able to see a child who was born when my babies should have been born as not think of how much I miss them. One day I may wake up and not immediately think of how unfair this all is, one day one day. 

But for today I'm still here. Still knowing that in 20 minutes It will be Joshua's would be 1st birthday. The day we had circled on the calender. The day he was due to be born. 

So if I seem a little scattered and I don't pick up the phone, it's because my arms are aching to have what now only my heart can hold. Be paient with me while I grieve the loss of what today will never be.  

Today

One Day. If that's all you had left with someone what would you say? What would you do?

Depends on the person right? I mean if it's your mail person, you might smile when you see them. But if it's you child, I bet you would hold them until the very end was done. 

Imagine that's the only day you had with them ever? That's how it is for me. That's how I feel. I had a few hours to make a life time of memories with 3 beautiful children. There is so much that I still wanted to say and do with them. So much I wanted them to know. 

I didn't have time. I didn't know that I didn't have the time. That there wasn't going to be a tomorrow with them. 

I had plans. The night my water broke with Joshua I remember thinking got much I had to get done that night and the next day what all I needed to be bought to decorate for Christmas. I thought I has time to sit and rub my belly and talk to my baby later. I thought I would have a lifetime to share my love for him. But I didn't. 48 hrs later he was gone. My whole world shattered. 

There is not a tomorrow. There is however a today. Use today! Let things happen today. Slow down. Take your time. Be paient. Let life happen. Take a step back and thank God for today. Not once in the bible have I seen it said "Jesus then hurried off because he fell behind Gods plan and had to catch up" 

We are never behind. We are always exactly where we are meant to be. 

Owls and Monkeys

I think I have mentioned before that, we had picked a Monkey theme for Joshua. They were pretty popular and there was a monkey theme bed set along with a seat and swing. Jason and I spent a whole night the week before Joshua was born planning all of our monkey stuff. We had big plans for our little monkey.

For our girls we had decided to buy owls. They were are still are easy to find and most of the time there are two owls on things together so it felt right. We looked at a few things but we did less planning, we tried in vain to guard our hearts. 

So I see things. I see Monkeys. I see Joshua. I see owls. I see Faith and Hope. Sometimes I look at them and smile at the memories of picking that stuff out for my children. Sometimes I look at it and feel sad that I don't have the memories of buying it. I never got the chance to set that stuff up. I never got to see my Monkey grow. Or my Owls snuggle together. 

I miss them more than any words could ever explain. 

I make it everyday with the promises that have been made to me by God. One day their will be no pain. One day there will be no more tears. One day I will see them whole and healthy. And we will rejoice in The Lord our God together forever. 

A Headstone ....Round 2

Something's while not easier to deal with were easier to do when the girls died as compared to when Joshua died. I wasn't as scared. I knew what they would look like. I knew that I would have as long as I wanted with them. I knew what pictures I wanted. I already knew what funeral home we would call. I knew the plot where we would rest their bodies. I knew what kind of service I wanted for them. I knew who I wanted with me that day. I knew how empty I would feel when I walked away from there that day.

Something's are harder. Something's are very different. 

I have no idea how I want their head stone to read. We know we want one for them. We know we want 2 teddy bears on the side where Joshua's train is. But that's it. Jason wants Faith and Hope Greer. I want Faith Aubree and Hope Amelia with Greer under it or above it maybe. I think I want "baby sisters" on there the way we have "baby brother" on Joshua's. But I'm not sure about that even. Why is it so much harder to pick something for them? 

Living with open eyes

I have come along way over the past year in where I am in my over all Faith that God really does know better than I do, the plans he has for my life. 

It's opened my eyes to a new world. A world I didn't even know existed. A world where you don't worry everyday because you know that God has this. There is nothing bigger than my God. 

That however is not the world I lived in before. It's strange how much a year really matters. How much a year can change someone. 

I think about where I was once. Living the way I did. Sure I went to church and sure I learned a lot. But things were the same. We still skipped Church on Joe Cain Sunday to go downtown, kids and beer in tow. Hey we weren't hurting anyone, we even parked in a church parking lot and set up our grill in the area next to us. Did the church still have service that day? Yup they did. I remember looking at the people going into that church thinking "why can they not take one Sunday off?"  Now that was a few years ago, not last year. 

But I understand now. 

It's not about Sunday. It's not about church. It's about a relationship with Jesus, and you don't take "brakes" in your relationship with him. 

I admit that when Joshua died I felt completely abandoned. By God, by people who were suppose to be my friends, by people who were suppose to be my brothers and sisters In Christ, and even by some family. I sometimes even felt like I wasn't worthy of their support. I have harbored pain, bitterness, depression, and Anxiety over simply not being good enough. 

I did not give myself enough time to work through that when my Girls died too. Felt less abandoned, by more alone. I had never been shown the love my Church family poured over me when I buried them. I could feel their prayers. Their repeated gifts of food. Their hugs and smiles and simple phone calls showed me that I was where I was meant to be. But in a crowded room I still felt alone. But not abandoned. 

I believe all things happen for the glory of God. I believe that I am where I am suppose to be. Serving where I am suppose to be serving. I however would not be here if I hadn't lost Joshua. If he was alive and well I could see us still going to church on Sundays and sometimes taking a brake from it to go grill in a church parking lot. I would never have needed my pastor to love me before he knew me. I would not have needed him to pray over me and my baby while I was in labor. I wouldn't have needed him to Pray with me at Joshua's service. I wouldn't have know the love through Christ that he has. 

As much as Joshua brought us into where to worship we still fought to actually move there. We drove 40 mins one way some Sundays. When we found out we were having twins is when I decided I needed to live closer to my mom and sisters. So we moved. 10 mins from the church we worship and serve at. 2 weeks later my girls died. 

My children had meaning. They had a mission from God. Joshua's mission was to show me the love of God through my pastor. Faith and Hope. Their mission was to move us closer to family and church. And in doing that it has moved us closer to God. 

What an amazing gift my children have given me. I'm so glad I can see It now. 

I see the way we use to live. I see the way we live now. And I am thankful for every change God has allowed to happen to us. 

I am in no way "over" the deaths of my children and I don't believe over is really something you ever do. I believe living with the pain and missing them gets easier but it's always there. I love them and will love them and miss them until my last breath. Then I will see them and will get to tell them Thank-you. For choosing me as you mother and thank you for helping me see what I needed to see and to look at the world with my eyes open. 

To Faith and Hope on your would be birthday.

Faith And Hope,

  Oh how I wish today was the big day. The day I would meet my baby girls. The day I had been waiting for. Today is not your due date no today I would have been 36 weeks pregnant and today was the day my scheduled C-Section was to be. We had planned your births for December 20th, 2013. 1230pm. It's hard to know that your births would have happened today if my body could have held you until now. I miss the two of you like crazy. Dad and I have went back and fowarth on your names. I wanted to give you first names since Faith and Hope were suppose to be your middle names. Daddy wanted to keep them as your first names. So I agreed. Faith Aubree and Hope Amelia. I wish I had a stocking to fill for you this Christmas. I wish I could feel you lie across my chest. I wish I could hear you cry and see you open your eyes. I hope you know that I loved you so much and that I would have done anything to save your lives. I tried baby girls I tried. I hope you felt how wanted you were. I hope you felt loved. Happy Would be birthday sweet baby girls. 

I love you so very much! 

Mom

12/13/13

November is Coming

There are only 2 days of October left after today. This whole month I have been doing the Capture you Grief Photo Challenge, its been extremely hard some days. Yet it has also been uplifting, inspiring, and healing for me. It has made me look into some feelings I have. I have been pushed to explore and think about things that I haven't before. In the middle of the challenge I thought about stopping. Would anyone even notice that I didn't continue? No one would say a word. Except me I would know that I quit and I didn't want to quit because it was hard. Some days were really easy. Like the jewelry day. That day I didn't even have to think about what to post. Most days were very emotional as I sat and thought about my babies. It has given me a focus. I have been able to spend the time I needed to think about my children, what they meant to me and what they meant to my family. Time I never got just to be with them, time to reflect of them and their short lives. Time until now I didn't know I needed. I was able to realize just how much I have changed and see everything that has changed in my family over this year. I was able to see just how much has passed by while I have been engulfed in grief. Dare I say I am going to miss this. I am going to miss reflecting on my babies everyday. I am going to miss sharing a part of them everyday. I am going to miss reading everyone else's post and hearing their stories. The community of baby loss parents. I'm going to miss that. I know I could continue. Their is no rule that says you have to stop. However I would have to come up with subjects all on my own and I am not ready for that. And I would be doing it alone. There would be no community there with me.

So on to November it is..... On to being thankful.

I have a lot to be thankful for, So I have decided to post everyday in the month of November something I am thankful for. I know I can do 30days of that. I have so much to be thankful for... so much more than 30 day worth.

These next few weeks are full of memories from last year. I had started to feel better, and feel Joshua move around. Halloween was one of the first times I had went out feeling good. November I starting buying things, found out we were having a boy and planned the party to tell everyone on Dec1st. These memories are very vivid. Very much real and so heart crushing, yet I'm thankful I have them. Because that's all I have of them now memories, forever etched in my being.

Beauty

I often find beauty in the strangest spots. Spots that if others would look they would see beauty as well. And maybe some do.

I love to sit at the cemetery. It's beautiful out there. With all the different flowers all in perfect rows. It's a calming site to me. It's the most peaceful place I've even been. I like to go alone and just listen to the silence. That is a beautiful sound. 

I love to see children smile when they don't know your looking. The looks on their faces when they are truly happy about something. I think that's beautiful. Just their smile. 

I believe all my children were beautiful from the moment of conception. They were my babies long before they were born. Weeks before I even knew they were forming. They were there and they were beautiful. They still are the most beautiful beings I have ever seen. All 8 of them gifts straight from God to me. 3 of then I had to give back way before I was ready. I realize none of my children are mine to keep. I'm suppose to raise them for the kingdom of God and they are his in every way. I am just responsible of them for a short time. I wish my time with Joshua, Faith and Hope was longer. I wish I had time to see them grow into beautiful young people. Instead they will always be my beautiful forever babies. I know they are beautifully fully formed and with Jesus, but I selfishly wish they were here with me. 

The closer I get to Joshua's birthday and the girls due date I get sadder. Is that a word? Maybe it's more sad? Anyway i get sad. I wonder if December will always bring such sadness with it. 

I feel like Christmas will never be the same. I don't want to celebrate. I don't feel like doing Halloween next week. I don't want thanksgiving to come. Last year I was happy on Halloween. Last year I had a baby on the way at thanksgiving. It was all gone before Christmas. 

I will act happy even if I'm not. I will not ruin my children's idea of Christmas. They will have a happy Halloween. They will have a great family thanksgiving. They will have a very merry Christmas. We will decorate with a smile. I will take them to see Santa. And I will do it with a smile, because I am their mother. Just remember that even though I will be posting happy family pictures this season , I am still hurting. I am still grieving. I am still missing apart of my family. 

My feelings

So I was asked today if I was sad about having a tubal. The person asking had read my blog where I had said I was sad about it and wondered if I was sad the why would I do it. This person is a friend and it got me thinking. If she wondered maybe others were wonderig too. And I must not have cleared that up already. So here it is.

I am not sad about having a tubal ligation. I am sad about not being able to have more children. 

Now you may have read that and be thinking. What? You had surgery to not be again. Yes, yes I did. But that is not why I can't have children. That surgery is why I can't get pregnant again. It had nothing to do with why I can't have another child. 

Now your asking well if you can get pregnant then you can have another child right? Well... No, actually that is not right. I have no problem getting pregnant. I never have had that problem. My problem is staying pregnant long enough to have a child at the end of the pregnancy. I have had many early losses. Some only me and Jason know about. Some that are what is called a chemical pregnancy. Where if our home test were not so sensitive we would never know I was pregnant. Those while they were hard, were not as hard for me as losing Joshua or Faith and Hope. 

I realize that those early losses are harder on some women. And believe me I griefed for them, and I believe some women hurt for early losses just as bad as I did for Joshua, Faith, and Hope. But for me the pain was less with the early losses. 

I did have a tubal to not get pregnant, because there is nothing doctors can offer me (except major surgery in another state, and even then there is risk) to help me carry a child to viability. And that makes me sad. 

There are always possibilities for our future that we don't know about. I don't believe titanium clips will stop God, if that's his plan for me it will be. 

I think emotionally I needed this. I needed to know that I am doing everything humanly possible to prevent this from happening to my family again. My head knows that. My heart knows it's really not up to me. Nothing is. If it was up to me. I'd have Joshua he would be 6 months old. And I would be 5 months pregnant with twin girls. It would be hard. I would be tired. I would probably be complaining about how tired I was. And I wish I could be complaining about that. That is what I would have if it was up to me. 

So yes I'm sad. I'm angry still, but less so every day. I am thankful I am a mother. I am greatfull that I got to carry twins even though I didn't get to parent them. I am still the mom to Identical twin girls and they were so beautiful. I am still the mom to 4 boys and 4 girls. I love all 8 of my children. I regret none of them. I never will 

Choices

Choices we make with our heart.

  We go through most of our lives making choices with our hearts. If we really sit and think about it. Playing sports, marching in the band, Dance lessons, we either made the choice or our parents did when we were little, when we are old enough we continue to do these things simply because we love them. We watch the sports teams on tv that we watched based (mostly) on what our parents watched, we are attached to the memories and that team, we make the choice to watch with our hearts. Who we date, who we fall in love with, who we marry, when to have children, sometimes even where to live. Most people make those choices with their hearts. Never thinking about what could really lie ahead. 

Choices we make with our heads.

After we live for a while in the real world we start to make some of our choices with our heads. While we may still make some with our hearts, some are just not that easy. We have to move for a job, leaving the place where we thought we would live forever. That choice is made with our heads. Stop playing the sport we love or dancing because of an injury. That choice is made with our heads. Who we allow into our lives and that of the lives of our children, that choice is made with our heads. 

Wanting to follow your heart, choosing to follow your head.

There are just somethings that you much allow your heart to make your choice and then there are others that you must make the choice to follow what your head is telling you even though your heart tells you different. That is how I feel. 

I want to make sure everyone knows that no one is pressuring me into having a tubal, but myself. Jason yes agrees with me, but he is not pressuring me to have it done, I could tell him tomorrow that I changed my mind and he would accept that. Other people who have asked about it, they are not pressuring me either, and honestly even if they are trying to make sure I go through with it, the opinions of people who I haven't asked for do not matter to me at all. If the did I would only have 3 children. My doctor is not leaning one way or the other, he has given me complete facts, not his feelings and if I want to back out he would not blink and eye. 

If I was to follow my heart to would have called it off already, I love being a mother. I knew from the time I was very young that I wanted to be a mother and I wanted a lot of children. If I was to follow my heart, I would tie the top of my cervix closed in a major operation in NJ, and then try again to have a live birth. 

I have to follow my head. My head is telling me that I have 5 living children who need their mother. They need a mother who is here for them, not off getting surgery to try to have another baby, not a mother on bed rest for months. They also don't need any more loss in their lives, neither do I. I know better now that no life, no day is guaranteed to us. Each day is a gift from God, but tomorrow is promised to no man. My head is telling me that My heart and theirs can't take anymore of this, and that makes me sad. I have broken my children's hearts and I can't do it again. So I am following my head to not have anymore children. I am making the choice and I am sad about it. 

Losing and burring another baby is scarier to me, than never having another live birth. 

Praying before you choose

I have been praying for 5 weeks about is this what God wants me to do, and ya know what, I still don't know. If God doesn't give you an answer what do you do? Go with your head? Wait? Is God telling you to wait, is that his answer? I honestly do not know. I have some peace about my choice, but a lot of it I think is relief from the fear of loss.(I am also afraid of surgery), Did God give me that peace? I dont know. What I do know is that 2 little metal clips (one on each tube) is not going to stand in God's way. If it is in his plan that I have another child then I will, that makes my choice to have a tubal void and then I am only really doing it for peace of mind. Right? 

I can tell you that unless I catch pneumonia from sitting in the rain and wind tonight at the football game, I will be having surgery on Monday at 1230pm. I can say I am sad and that is OK. I can say that I am at peace with the decision I have made and that I am and will be OK. I can say that this has been a hard choice to make and I wish I didnt have to make a choice at all. I should still be pregnant after all!

Complaints.... Being Thankful

Some days are better than others for me, I have been having more better days than bad days, however I am still having some really bad days. I have things that bother me. Triggers some people call them, that make me feel worse, or make my day a bad one.

Complants, I cant stand it when people complain about the kids that they chose to have. I use to do it too. Say how tired I was because I had 3 kids up and sick all night, but now I think of how lucky I was to have those kids to be up with that night. And how in this great thing we call life how short one little night of no sleep really is. Heck, how short a few months of no sleep with a newborn are. I don't understand how people can be so ungrateful for what they have in their arms. Be grateful for the sleepless nights, the days of colic and the long long days stuck in the house with your baby. You have no idea how many women including me who would trade the pain I feel now for your sleepless days and nights.

   Then I think I am so glad the one complaining have no idea this pain and still live in a world where bad things don't happen to good people. Living in a world where if you are a good person, and you eat all the right foods, see all the rights doctors, have all the right test, have faith in God that everything will work out for you, that bad things happen to bad people, good things happen to good people who follow all the rules. I wish I still lived in that world with these people who complain. I wish I could still complain and not have my heart be crushed.

  I am carful. I am carful to hold my hand on my mouth when I want to complain about being too busy, I am carful to not get angry when the kids don't sleep well, when they are sick and need their mom, when they are sad, when they are just being needy.

  I am thankful, I pray that one day every mom will be as thankful for the things I am thankful for. I am thankful for my children's lives, I am thankful for every softball tournament that kept me at the ball park until 2 in the morning. I am thankful for the next morning of being back at 7am. I am thankful for every cub scout campout. I am thankful for every football game, Every early morning waking up to get them to school, every late night studying for the big test, or forgotten about project. I am thankful for ever fight I have ever had with my children, I wish I would have been thankful enough at the time to just stop fighting and hug them. I am thankful for every day I sat in the hospital next to my children. For every copayment and doctors appointment. Every late night ER visit. Every single payment I have ever made to keep them healthy and to keep them happy. Every long car trip to special doctors. Every late night sitting up crying because I didn't know what to do. I am thankful for it all. Its a beautiful thing to be a mother, and I am sad that not every mom sees it as a blessing the way I do.

 I am sad I will never have another blessing in the form of a child. But, that in no way means I am not thankful for the ones I have here with me and the ones that have gone before me. I have 8 children who I am thankful for. I know some people may not understand how I am thankful for death, and I am going to say that is not easy. I would much rather have my babies here and be thankful for no sleep. But that is not my reality. This is.... I am thankful I have things that I can prove my children were here, and they were real. I have pictures, I have footprints, I have memories of them. I felt them move. I watched them grow inside me. I saw their hearts beat on the screen minutes before they were born. They were alive, they were here, they mattered. I am thankful God chose me to be their mother. Some people are not equipped to be mothers to angels. I was sure after Joshua was born and then died that I would die, I didn't see anyway i would live though that pain. Then I lived through is birth, Then the day after I woke up, I woke up the day after that and the one after that and after that. I dont know how I got through the first few weeks. I go back and read what i have written here in those early days and I am not sure who the person is that wrote that. I was in such a fog. After a few months the fog lifted and began to believe I would live through  the pain of losing my son. It would be painful, but I could do it. I didnt have a choice I had 5 kids counting on me. When I found myself pregnant with the girls, I believed things would be ok. The things that happened to me would not happen again. I was a good person and I did all the right things and everything would be ok. Then it wasn't ok. Even when things looked really bad I prayed and believed my girls would be ok. I cried everyday for a week before they were born, I believe that helped me cope with their birth. I was mad I was angry that God had chose me to be their mother. I didn't want to be the mother of more Angels, I wanted them to live. I believed if I prayed enough and wished it enough and believed it enough that it would be so. That I would wake up pregnant or that they would live somehow. I wanted to be the mom that rocked them to sleep not the mom that buried them. I am now thankful for them, I am thankful to be their mother. I am thankful that they felt my love, that they were born to a mother that would wrap them in blankets, hold them tightly and cover them in kisses. I hold their hands and rubbed their toes. Other mothers may not have been able to do that, so I am thankful they got that, even though its not what I wanted.

  Some how this is what I needed, God doesn't really give us what we just want, he does however give us everything we need. We live in a world of sin, God didn't rip my babies from me, sin did. Not my sin. The sin of the world.  I did nothing to cause this to happen, no one caused it, there is no one to blame, except there is evil in the would and we live in a fallen world, their will be heartache and pain until the day God comes back for us. I use to be sad that the world would someday end. I wanted it to wait so I could watch my children grow, so that I could grow old with Jason, so I could see my grandchildren be born. I think differently now. I am waiting, waiting for the day Jesus comes back and wipes me tears away, Takes me from this pain and world full of sin, and to a place where I will forever be with him, and my children. I know God doesn't take delight in my sadness. I know he never wanted this sadness for me. I just have to figure out why I needed to be the mother of 3 angel babies, and what good can come out of this. Everything can be used for the goodness of God. I'm not sure where the goodness is in this right now, I have been thinking on it and how I can make this a good thing. I come up empty every single time.

Sleep

I am either awake and can't sleep, or so tired that I can't stay awake. There is no in-between. I recently realized that the sleep medicine Unisom and the allergy medicine Benadryl are the same. Its also the same as the Medicine I was given when I was pregnant mixed with Vitamin B helps with morning/ all day sickness. So instead of buying 50mg tablets of Unisom, I took 3 10mg of morning sickness medicine. It took about 45 minutes to start working, but it did make me sleep..... and sleep..... and sleep. I was later getting the kids up for school and after they left I took a nap until Haleigh woke up. I am still so sleepy, this is worse than if I had not gotten any sleep. I use to take 2 pills every night before bed when I was pregnant with Faith and Hope, and it didn't make me super tired, just made me feel better. So I got 30mg of the active medicine n sleep aids, can you imagine what I would be feeling like if I had bought the 50mg tablets? I would probably still be sleeping..... and sleeping. They also still allowed me to dream... I hate dreaming. I either dream happy dreams that all 3 of my babies are alive and home with me... and I wake up only to realize that not even one of them is and my heart is crushed all over again. Or I will dream of the day I had them, sometimes its exactly as it was that day, sometimes its different, harder for some reason. In those dreams I am hurting in my dreams, my heart hurts when I wake up and sometimes when I wake up from these dreams I'm already crying. So I'd rather not dream at all. The only time I get Dreamless sleep is when I take the medicine the doctor gave me to sleep. Xanax, I was told not to take it every night though. But that 2-3 times a week is ok. I know why not every night. Its a highly addictive drug and I dont want to become dependent on it. In a way I already am dependent on drugs.... not big bad crack or anything, but I can not sleep without some kind of help so I am dependent on a sleep aid of some kind to sleep, that's dependency. Maybe one day I wont need it, and my dreams won't be filled with the worse days of my life. but for now they are. And for now I need the sleep to function, I cant be this tired everyday, I do have children who need me to function during the day after sleeping.

Decisions.....

Jason and I have completely decided we will not be having any more biological children. The way that sounds you may be thinking.... Are you going to adopt? The answer to that question is no. So why do I say we will not have any more biological children? Why cant I simply say we wont have more children? Because I do not know what God has in store for us. If I was presented with a child that would not have anyone, but me, I would take that child and they would be mine, just as much as the 5 children who live with me are mine. Jason and I have always been open to life, and that has not changed. What has changed is our openness to death. We are no longer open to death. I understand death is in the cycle of life, however death before life is not in that cycle. Jason, my living children, and I have had enough death before life, we are done with that. I am not willing to knowingly put us through that again. We have made this decision with our heads, not our hearts. Our hearts are broken and we want to fix them, but being pregnant again and having that child die is not the answer to a broken heart. If the problem wasn't my body, and it was safe for me and the child, we would consider trying again. But the facts are that I have physically hit my limit. I needed more care than I should have after the Girls were born. My cervix cant hold a baby that weigh's more than 8-10 ounces, my cervix is really thin. They are sure it would hold a stitch. Of course with God all things are possible, but I believe this is it for us. I thank God, I got to feel Joshua move and carry him 19 weeks, before my body gave out on him. I am thankful that I was able to feel the girls flutter around, and that I was given the chance to have a 3D scan of them, and carry them 17 weeks before my body gave up and I delivered them. I cant force another child into the world just to pass a way before they are ready to breath. I just don't have that in me. We have set the date, I will be having a tubal on September 23rd. Less than a month from now. This is the choice that is right for our family. 8 is a great number of children to have 4 beautiful girls, and 4 wonderful boys. I love them all with all of my heart and one day we will all be together, we will all have eternity to be a family of 10, but for now we will be a family of 7 here on earth.

2 weeks and Church

It's been 2 weeks today since I delivered Faith and Hope. I'm not sure if time is moving really slow or really fast. So much has happened in these 2 weeks. School started, Football, Softball, Band, Haleigh's Fills, the girls service. So much has changed in just 2 weeks, that it feels like such a much longer time that I was in the hospital with them. Then again I feel like I had them in my arms yesterday. I can see their sweet faces, smell their sweet baby smell, hold their little hands, and kiss their perfect heads. So is two weeks a short time or a long time ago? I really don't know.

I went to church today. I of course didn't go the day I delivered the girls. I went to the hospital while most everyone else was at church. I didn't go last week. Jason and I sat at home and watched tv. I can't even tell you what we watched because I just sat there. I went today, because my little children asked me to go. I'm not sure I was ready, but I held it together for the most part. I did have some cramps around the end of the service and my back started hurting, but I think it was a good day at church. We then came home to cook deer burgers.

I took a much needed nap today. No sleeping pills needed. I didn't sleeping last night though and it looks like tonight is going to be much of the same. 

I'm thinking of going to a support group meeting tomorrow night. I think about going and I cry so I may not exactly get out of the car and go in. But I'm going to try. I think. 

Complete and Normal

That's what the report from the doctor's office says. The Girls were complete and normal, they confirmed they were girls, we of course knew that, but they run that test anyway they ran it with Joshua as well. His test were also normal. So Jason and I made 8 beautiful babies. All complete and all normal 4 boys Collin, Aden, Landon and Joshua and 4 girls Madalyn, Haleigh, Faith and Hope. Five of them we get to see grow and teach them about the world about God and about their brother and sisters in heaven. Three of them have wings and watch over us as we sleep. They keep their sisters and brothers on earth, and play together in heavens playground. They don't miss us as we miss them, they do not know the pain of this world, they are perfect and are rocked each night in the arms of Jesus.

My next appointment is September 20th. need to check on my blood count and reevaluate my mental status and see if I need any more sleeping pills. Speaking of sleeping pills, I slept last night better than I have in 8 and a half months. I wish I would have asked for them sooner. I didn't feel drugged this morning the way some over the counter drugs leave me feeling the next morning. I just felt relaxed and rested. I needed to feel rested after a day like yesterday and getting the news of the girls being normal today. I dont think i will need them every night to sleep, but after not sleeping for a week, and not sleeping well for 8 months, it was very needed last night and it maybe needed other times as well, but tonight i will try without them.

Moved from "after the storm" blog

FRIDAY, AUGUST 16, 2013

Today's paper

Sigh..... 

Moved from "after the storm" blog

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 14, 2013

Our babies service.

We laid our babies to rest today in the same plot with their brother. I can't believe I have laid 3 children to rest in 8 months. My heart is broken and I'm not sure it will ever heal. The pain I feel is intense and greater than I have ever felt. I was starting to handle my grief from losing Joshua and my girls were helping me heal, even though they would never have replaced Joshua. And now well now  I'm starting all over the fresh wounds from the birth of my girls have ripped the wounds that were healing open again. I have wholes in my heart that will never be filled. I have to find a way to live without them, without my 3 children here with me.   

Moved from "after the storm" blog.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 13, 2013

Faith And Hope

This blog was started as a new beginning  to be about Faith and Hope and so it is. 

I know some of you who are coming to read this had no idea I was expecting. We as a family made the choice not to make the pregnancy public on Facebook and only told the people who are in our lives everyday. The post written before this one explains what was going on with my pregnancy. 

Sunday 08-11-13

I woke up and my children were getting ready to go to church with my sister. My mom and dad came to help get them there and I just felt off, but nothing had felt completely right since I had started leaking almost a week ago. I went to the bathroom and just felt different. And little cramps so I decided to go get checked out. My biggest fear in leaving the hospital was delivering the babies at home, so my mom and Madalyn took me back to the hospital. I was scared they would be seeing me in the ER since I was only 17.2 weeks. I called my dr on the way to the hospital but I got there faster than they called back. Luckily since I had just left L&D less than 48 hrs earlier the charge nurse in L&D had me sent up there. 

Once there the nurse said things were the same with the babies as when I left on Friday. But thought I was probably constipated and the on call dr wanted to try a suppository, because I was not allowed to push at all. I was relived that the babies were ok so we went on to wait. An hour later the suppository worked, and my mom left to take Madalyn home. I had texted Jason and told him all was ok, then everything changed. 

It came on pretty quickly. I started having intense cramps and feeling pressure. I looked at the clocked and realized my cramps were exactly 5mins apart. I called my nurse and told her I knew I was in labor and having contractions. I texted Jason a simple "I'm in labor". My nurse called my dr and the on call decided that my OB should be called 20 mins later I had my IV and some much needed pain meds. Dr.C came in and grabbed the ultrasound to see where the babies were. Both babies had heartbeats. Baby A Faith was sitting feet first in the birth canal. While he was doing the scan her water broke and I had no choice but To push the urge was overwhelming. Of course her being so little she was able to be born feet first with no problem. Dr.C moved quickly to see if he could feel enough cervix to save Baby B Hope. Instead he just told me how sorry he was but that I was completely dilated and she was going to be born as well. I expected that once Faith was born that Hope would follow since it was her water that had been leaking for a week. I pushed once and she was also born. They both passed into the arms of Jesus in the same moment they were born. They were wrapped in a single small blanket and given to me. They were so incredibly small. I expected them to be about the size Joshua was and even though Dr.C said they were much smaller I didn't expect them to be that small. I loved them intensely and cried for the future they would never have. I held them for about 5 minutes before Jason came in the room. Apparently he had gotten there in the middle of delivery and I said no when they asked if he could come back. I honestly don't remember that part, but I know when I was holding them they asked and I said yes, he was there moments after. I let the nurse take the babies after about 10 minutes because I was having some complications in delivering the placenta. They worked on me for about 45 minutes, and decided to do an ultrasound the next morning to see if I needed surgery. But they had gotten my bleeding under control. But I was still to be on bed rest. By that time my mom and sister were there and they gave me some more pain meds and let them hold the babies. A little while later my night nurse the same one I had with Joshua came back to get the girls and take pictures of them and wrap them in the blankets my mom had made. I was asked if I wanted them to have the diapers I had made and donated but even the small ones were too big for them as the only weighed 3&3/4 ounces each. I said no because I have diapers made already at home already to send to heaven with them. I spent most of the night with them. Taking pictures of them, we decided to not call Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep this time as I felt I could do the pictures myself, something I was not prepared to do with Joshua. I was in a lot of pain around around 1am so I asked the nurse to take the girls and I got some sleep. 

Monday 08-12-13

I slept in a drug induced state most the night, woke only to be given more meds. I woke early and asked for the girls and took more picture. I wanted to be sure to never forget home small and perfect they were. I spent a final 3 hours with saying goodbye, memorizing their faces, fingers, and toes. I gave them to the nurse who was so sweet with her kind words and loving hugs. I was then taken to ultrasound, the scan showed retaining placenta so I would need to have surgery around noon. Everyone took really good care of me, my surgery went well however I lost a lot of blood and woke up in a panic and was given meds to calm down, I slept until 6pm. I was finally able to eat when I woke up. I had to spend the night again in the hospital, and was released with 2 white memory boxes for the girls and pictures the nurse had taken the day they were born. 

We have decided to lay them to rest with Joshua at Forrest Lawn. The 3 of them are together in Heaven awaiting the day when we can all be together again when Jesus takes us all home.