Day 31

Sunset

Loud

I'm upset about something I can not change. No I'm mad. No wait I'm hurt. Yes that's it. It's pain I feel. I'm hurt. I'm not really sad. I feel like someone has said my babies didn't matter. And it hurts.

I have been posting on Facebook all month and here with the capture your grief project. Tomorrow is the last day. 

Last night a parent posted a picture of her baby. There were some rude comments made and a word fight broke out. That lead to more pictures and more blacklash. I stayed out of it. Just commenting that the babies were beautiful. Because they were. And then I get on tonight to read the stories that I have been looking foward to and it's gone. The whole event was deleted. Now let me explain. Facebook took the even down. Not because it was reported as violent pictures but because there was 1000s of people threating one another on the event page. How sad it that. Threating people! Violet pictures?

 Really these people. The people have no idea what we as baby loss parents have been through. They have not carried a baby for months and prayed everyday that the baby just lives, only to give birth

In a silent room, no cries, no cheers of joy, no it's a boy or they are girls. No congratulations. No balloons or flowers. No visitors. No smiles. 

They have no clue what it's like to watch their babies hearts stop beating. They have no clue how it feels to kiss you baby good bye hours after saying hello. They will never understand. And you know what. I hope they never do. Because to understand this you have to go through it. 

But 

To call our babies pictures violence!?! Really?!? Come on people. Wake up. These are someone's babies. They are loved, were wanted. Pregnancy loss happens. Baby loss happens. It's tragic yes. But I will not hide. It was suggested by some who will never understand that we should grieve in silence. 

I refuse. 

I refuse to be silenced. I will not shut up. I will speak out. I will share my children the way I want when I want. They are perfect. I am proud to be the mother of 8 children. I am proud of the way my angles look in their pictures. 

I will grieve out loud. 

I will not hide. 

I will stand on a mountain top and scream out their names. 

My children were alive. 

My children were born. 

My children mattered. 

I will not be silent! 

 

Day 30

Growth

November is Coming

There are only 2 days of October left after today. This whole month I have been doing the Capture you Grief Photo Challenge, its been extremely hard some days. Yet it has also been uplifting, inspiring, and healing for me. It has made me look into some feelings I have. I have been pushed to explore and think about things that I haven't before. In the middle of the challenge I thought about stopping. Would anyone even notice that I didn't continue? No one would say a word. Except me I would know that I quit and I didn't want to quit because it was hard. Some days were really easy. Like the jewelry day. That day I didn't even have to think about what to post. Most days were very emotional as I sat and thought about my babies. It has given me a focus. I have been able to spend the time I needed to think about my children, what they meant to me and what they meant to my family. Time I never got just to be with them, time to reflect of them and their short lives. Time until now I didn't know I needed. I was able to realize just how much I have changed and see everything that has changed in my family over this year. I was able to see just how much has passed by while I have been engulfed in grief. Dare I say I am going to miss this. I am going to miss reflecting on my babies everyday. I am going to miss sharing a part of them everyday. I am going to miss reading everyone else's post and hearing their stories. The community of baby loss parents. I'm going to miss that. I know I could continue. Their is no rule that says you have to stop. However I would have to come up with subjects all on my own and I am not ready for that. And I would be doing it alone. There would be no community there with me.

So on to November it is..... On to being thankful.

I have a lot to be thankful for, So I have decided to post everyday in the month of November something I am thankful for. I know I can do 30days of that. I have so much to be thankful for... so much more than 30 day worth.

These next few weeks are full of memories from last year. I had started to feel better, and feel Joshua move around. Halloween was one of the first times I had went out feeling good. November I starting buying things, found out we were having a boy and planned the party to tell everyone on Dec1st. These memories are very vivid. Very much real and so heart crushing, yet I'm thankful I have them. Because that's all I have of them now memories, forever etched in my being.

Day 29

Healing

My healing has come from God.

Day 28

My special Place

Day 27

Signs

Wind. 

Day 26

Community

Day 25

#sayitoutloud

What do I want to say out Loud? 

My babies matter. I love them deeply. It doesn't matter how long they were here with me I love them just as much as my 5 living children. 

I HAVE 8 CHILDREN! NOT 5!

My 3 in heaven have names too. 

Joshua Henson 

Aurbree Faith 

Amelia Hope 

Day 24

Art

This may not be exactly art. My babies are the most beautiful art I could create. But the bottom right is a photo book I made and these keepsake birth certificate will hang on my wall forever as art. 

Day 23

Jewelry

Day 22

Words

Day 21

Honor

Day 20

Hope.

Day 19

Support

Family 

Day 18

Release.

Is there something you want to release? Deep sadness? Anger? Fear? Guilt? 

For me it's Anger. 

Day 17

Time

Day 16

Seasons

December- Christmas 

Joshua 12-13-12

Faith and Hope should be birthdays 

August- Back to School 

Faith and Hope 08-11-13

Found out I was pregnant with Joshua 

May- Mothers Day 

Joshua's should be birthday. 

Found out I was pregnant with the girls.

Day 15

Wave of Light

Day 14

Family

From the outside out family looks the same as it did a year ago. Well even 4 years ago. A Wife a Husband and 5 living breathing children. 

On the inside we are all very much different than we were a year ago. Or 4 years ago. 

We have the same names and live the same life, yet there is a whole no one can see. 3 beautiful holes that can never be filled. Our family pictures seem incomplete. They will always be missing from our photos. And no matter how I try with the collages it's not the same. 3 people are missing from our family everyday. 

Having other children doesn't make it easier. It makes it harder. I know what I am missing out on with my 3 in heaven. And even though they are not with us in this life they are still apart of our family and will be apart of our lives when we meet them in heaven.