Trust

Times are getting hard around here. I know my children are ok and in heaven. But we should be celebrating Joshua's first birthday. We are just a few weeks away from my due date with him and that means a week later marks a year since I found myself pregnant again with my girls. I don't have Joshua and I don't have my girls either. Sometimes that pisses me off so badly, sometimes it makes me really sad, and sometimes dare I say I am actually ok, because I know that Jesus is taking better care of them than I ever could.

Our pastor preached on trusting Jesus with every part of our lives. I struggle with that so much. I trusted and my baby died. I decided that God had so much more in store for me. I didn't let it go or move on but I felt like I had an understanding that I still needed to trust that everything would be ok. When I found out I was pregnant with twins I felt like that was Gods plan. His bigger plan for me that I couldn't see when Joshua died. Put that wasn't it. Hope's water broke and then Faith's and then they were born far too early to live. They were just as perfect as Joshua was. I couldn't Trust Him any more, I couldn't lose another child, I couldn't put my family through it again. I took matters into my own hands and made sure I wouldn't get pregnant again.

For my mental well being in all my humanness I did the right thing. But was it right in God's eyes? Was that the plan for my life? I didn't trust Him to make that choice for me. I didn't trust Him enough to carry me through another pregnancy or another loss.

I'm not the same person I was a year ago when the test was positive. I'm not the same person I was 8 months ago when my girls were born. Or 9 months ago when I decided to take things into my own hands. I have a better understanding of what trusting God in all areas of life looks like. It looks nothing like what I thought. There is less worry and less mess in my life.

I am everyday Thankful for the gift of life God entrusted me with when he gave me my 8 children. I kept them safe for as long as he has allowed, some of that time has been far shorter than I ever imagined. However I must trust that God knows better even still. That God is good all of the time. Even when I am hurting, even when I don't understand that he is still good All Of The Time.

Owls and Monkeys

I think I have mentioned before that, we had picked a Monkey theme for Joshua. They were pretty popular and there was a monkey theme bed set along with a seat and swing. Jason and I spent a whole night the week before Joshua was born planning all of our monkey stuff. We had big plans for our little monkey.

For our girls we had decided to buy owls. They were are still are easy to find and most of the time there are two owls on things together so it felt right. We looked at a few things but we did less planning, we tried in vain to guard our hearts. 

So I see things. I see Monkeys. I see Joshua. I see owls. I see Faith and Hope. Sometimes I look at them and smile at the memories of picking that stuff out for my children. Sometimes I look at it and feel sad that I don't have the memories of buying it. I never got the chance to set that stuff up. I never got to see my Monkey grow. Or my Owls snuggle together. 

I miss them more than any words could ever explain. 

I make it everyday with the promises that have been made to me by God. One day their will be no pain. One day there will be no more tears. One day I will see them whole and healthy. And we will rejoice in The Lord our God together forever. 

I wanna see your face

Sometimes I just long to see their faces. I have dreams about who they may have been. What they may have looked like if Joshua was now a year old and the girls were 1 month old. I see dresses out for Easter and I see their faces in them. I see him toting around learning and exploring. I wonder still what their favorite things would be. Who their favorite person would have been. How we would have juggled it all. Where we would be. I know these what if questions are not to be answered and yet I can't help myself from thinking them. 

I look at their pictures when the images in my head get fuzzy. I need to know and remember exactly what they look like. I need the pictures on my wall to remind everyone they were real and were here alive on earth even if it was just a few short weeks inside me. They were here.  They were real. They had meaning and weight in this world. 

Stuff

Why is stuff so important to us? Over the past week I have watched my family divide stuff. My grandfather passed away 14 years ago, last week my grandmother fell and broke her hip. She has dementia, and is confused most of the time. After her fall her children decided a nursing facility would be the best place for her to receive the care she now needs. Since this has happened there has been a lot of talk over who gets what out of her house. It's a little crazy. My grandmother wrote names on the bottom of most things, but there are things that are going to different people than who is actually written on them. And I don't care. It's stuff. I have a tea pitcher that use to sit on the counter in my grandmothers kitchen. It's broken and now has flowers in it, but that will forever remind me of my childhood at my grandmothers house. I don't need a bunch of things in the house that was hers to remind me of her. That one thing will do.

However.......... 

Today I moved Joshua's things. I almost lost it. A single box of diapers and I had tears on my eyes. A box marked "boy clothes" that I had gotten just for him. A box that says "baby memories" that the hospital gave me, holds his foot prints and pictures from the hospital. Things that were his that he never used. Things that hold no memories. He never wore those clothes, so why is it heartbreaking to look at them? There are a few blankets that he was never wraped in, there is a bottle he never drank from,  diapers I've never opened. The only memories I have with this stuff is when I bought it. But I can't let it go. It's mine. Those things are his. I should have needed those diapers. I should have been putting these clothes on the swap page because he out grew them already. 

I never shopped for the girls. I thought it would be easier. It's not. I want to do a shadow box for them but I don't have little socks for them to put in it the way I want. Maybe I will just buy a pack and use them in there. Is that crazy? Buying things for your child who has died? 

Stuff... Things.... Memories.... The lack of memories....  Life and death..... It's just stuff.

My dad and my 2 grandmothers at my wedding. 

Should have.

I could have done it you know. Raised a few more children. I could have given birth to Joshua in late march beginning of April (since I always go early) and then gotten pregnant with the girls immediately after. I know people who have kids who are less than a year apart. I could have handled that. I could have had 3 kids under 1 right now. That would have been awesome. I would be should be so tired changing 30 diapers a day. Pumping, feeding, washing, I should be drowning in baby bottles and clothes. I should be a mess of newborns. I could have done it. I'm strong enough for that.

But this....

This tired is from being up crying, this lonelyness of no one really understanding. This pain of empty arms. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I would trade what is for what should have been any day. 

Sweet Child of Mine

Questions through tears. .Silence in words.

Death and grief shouldn't be apart of childhood. Except it is. And for my kids it's a big part of their lives. 

They ask some rough questions. 

Where exactly is heaven? 

 Oh sweetness, how I wish heaven was a place on earth. It's simply not. It's above us somewhere but I can't say exactly where. 

Why can't we go visit there? 

 If we could visit heaven I would spend a great deal of time there everyday. We can't visit. Once you go to heaven you can't come back and you can't go until Jesus is ready for you. 

But mama I wanna visit the babies! 

Oh so do I. 

Mama I miss them. 

So do I. 

When Madalyn gets married and has a baby is it going to die too? 

Oh baby I don't think so. Most babies are born and live a long time and grow up. Like you. 

But our babies died. Why? 

I don't know. But Jesus does and when I get to heaven I'm going to ask him. 

Can Santa bring us a baby? 

No honey, Santa can't bring us a baby. 

I really want a baby. 

I know me too. 

I was going to help feed them. 

I know. You were going to help a lot. You are the best. 

I love you mama. 

I love you too Haleigh. 

It brakes my heart that she has to understand These things that I don't even understand. I'm trying but sometimes I wanna scream WHY too. 

Thanksgiving Day

The day started out nice. I woke up after sleeping in a bit. I took my time getting the turkey on since we had decided on a later eating time the was no rush to get done. Jason and Madalyn came home from their morning hunt. I took a shower then, Madalyn, Haleigh and I headed to visit the babies at the cemetery. I never thought my Thanksgiving day would include a cemetery visit, but it did. My Grandmother is out there as well. Madalyn walked Haleigh over there after they visited the babies a little. Giving me my much needed alone time with them. I told them how thankful I am to have had them, even if it was such a short sweet time. I of course would change the fact that they died if I could. But if I had to chose the time I had with them or never having known them at all I would chose the time I had with them. Even though it hurts they are my babies and I do not regret them even a little. I do however miss them horribly, I love them whole heartedly, I long to be with them just a minute more.

We stayed about 45 minutes. Left feeling like I had at least felt a little closer to them while I was there. I hated leaving like always. I tried to put on a happy face the rest of the day. I'm sure it didn't work. There was not a minute that I didn't feel someone was missing. I fell asleep on the couch and felt the ache in my arms where my baby should be napping. I felt a pain in my stomach when my 34 weeks pregnant belly should be. 

Friday I shopped and tried not to look at the baby things. The toys for the "baby first Christmas" the newborn outfits to dress like Santa. 

The holiday season will be the same. But I have faith that one day maybe it won't hurt so much. 

Loud

I'm upset about something I can not change. No I'm mad. No wait I'm hurt. Yes that's it. It's pain I feel. I'm hurt. I'm not really sad. I feel like someone has said my babies didn't matter. And it hurts.

I have been posting on Facebook all month and here with the capture your grief project. Tomorrow is the last day. 

Last night a parent posted a picture of her baby. There were some rude comments made and a word fight broke out. That lead to more pictures and more blacklash. I stayed out of it. Just commenting that the babies were beautiful. Because they were. And then I get on tonight to read the stories that I have been looking foward to and it's gone. The whole event was deleted. Now let me explain. Facebook took the even down. Not because it was reported as violent pictures but because there was 1000s of people threating one another on the event page. How sad it that. Threating people! Violet pictures?

 Really these people. The people have no idea what we as baby loss parents have been through. They have not carried a baby for months and prayed everyday that the baby just lives, only to give birth

In a silent room, no cries, no cheers of joy, no it's a boy or they are girls. No congratulations. No balloons or flowers. No visitors. No smiles. 

They have no clue what it's like to watch their babies hearts stop beating. They have no clue how it feels to kiss you baby good bye hours after saying hello. They will never understand. And you know what. I hope they never do. Because to understand this you have to go through it. 

But 

To call our babies pictures violence!?! Really?!? Come on people. Wake up. These are someone's babies. They are loved, were wanted. Pregnancy loss happens. Baby loss happens. It's tragic yes. But I will not hide. It was suggested by some who will never understand that we should grieve in silence. 

I refuse. 

I refuse to be silenced. I will not shut up. I will speak out. I will share my children the way I want when I want. They are perfect. I am proud to be the mother of 8 children. I am proud of the way my angles look in their pictures. 

I will grieve out loud. 

I will not hide. 

I will stand on a mountain top and scream out their names. 

My children were alive. 

My children were born. 

My children mattered. 

I will not be silent! 

 

12 Years...... and 1 month

12 Years 

September 11, 2001

I was sitting in our home, without a phone (not everyone had a phone) watching the Today Show, waiting on my two children to wake up, so that we could start breakfast and watch PBS kids, until outside time. I had them going on a pretty set schedule since it was just the 3 of us most of everyday. Jason was driving a truck locally, but gone everyday all day long. The kids were still asleep when the Today Show, started reporting that there had been a plane crash in New York City, The first live footage I saw there was just 1 of the WTCT on fire. It was being reported as an accident and it was a bad one, reports were that there were people stuck on the top floors. Not long after, while still watching the show, we watched live as the 2nd plane hit the other tower. The anchors (Matt and Katie) were silent, they didnt have any more information than I did. They broke for commercial. I went to check on my babies, they were sleeping in today.  I went back to the TV and curled up on the couch. When it come back on, The first thing I remember them saying was "this was no accident". I saw the burning buildings, I couldnt turn it off, they said they were grounding all flights, they said the Pentagon was hit, they said a plane went down in a field. They said a lot of people died, they said a lot. I had not way to get in touch with Jason, but I was so happy to have him home. The kids played out side a lot that day, I could see them in the back yard from where I sat watching them and the TV at the same time, By bed time I was mental done. We didnt watch much of that the next week, I put on movies for the kids. There was no reason for a 3 and 1 year old to watch that over and over agin. My parents came out to check on me the next day. 

That is just one day in my life I will never forget the events of, there are others though that I know all the details of. 

July 8, 1998- The day I became a mom, Madalyn was born

November 8, 2000- The Day I became a mom to a son- Collin was born

September 25, 2003- The Day I became a mom to a preemie- Aden was born

July 19, 2006- The day I became a mom to my 3rd son and a high needs baby. - Landon was born

November 10, 2006- The day I became a mom to my 2nd Daughter, and "medically frail" baby - Haleigh was born.

December 13, 2013- I became the mom of my 4th son, To my first forever sleeping baby, - Joshua was born.

Then there was a month ago today. 

August 11, 2013- I became the mom to twins, to my 3rd and 4th girls. To my last children- Faith and Hope were born. 

I remember every detail of every one of their births, I remember the loud cries from the delivery room, or the faint cries from the OR, I also remember how silent it is when a baby is born still. I remember the sounds of my own cries as they were born, I remember my own words of "Please give them to me".

There are some days of your life you never forget, some you remember from how bad the day was and how many people suffered and you remember it along with thousands of other people. Some days you remember all by yourself, Painful as they maybe to remember you still smile when you think of those days, it was the day you had waited for, the day you got to meet your baby (babies). and it doesn't matter if they screamed or if they were silent they were all STILL born. And they all STILL matter. 

A message to my body

I wish I could tell my cervix how much it's hated for not doing its job and for being so weak. I wish I could tell my breast there are no babies so please stop trying to make milk for them. I wish I could tell my stomach to be flat because there will be no more babies growing in there. I wish I could tell my body how mad I am that it failed me and 3 babies.

I wish I could tell my lungs to work better I was given this thing at the hospital after my surgery to suck air through and using it makes my lungs feel on fire but at least I'm not coughing any more. 

I wish I could tell my body to make red blood cells faster so I could stop half the meds I am on. Some of them make me feel off for half the day. 

But of course if my body worked the way it's suppose to then I wouldn't have these problems. I would be pregnant still. Expecting a rainbow. Because if Joshua's water braking was a fluke it wouldn't have happened again. No it wasn't a fluke my body just sucks! 

Something's are not about you.

So since some people are confused I thought I would clear some things up.

Something's are not about you. Yes you. I haven't written anything in a while that was directed at any one group if people or person. This blog is not about you.

This blog is for me and how I feel and how I am coping and how I am moving on. I may also include things about my other kids and family but this is really about me. A mother who had to give up her child to God. Who had to say goodbye before she really had a chance to say hello.

I understand that something's are not about me.... Like other people's blogs. They aren't about me. I understand the world is still going on even if I only half show up in it sometimes. I understand other people have gone through what I'm going through and have similar feelings to my own. I'm not writing this blog to hurt people's feelings either I know other people have hurt and felt this pain.

Please realize though that this experience is mine and its about me. Even if you understand where I'm coming from its still about my life. I'm not writing this blog to write in code about people. If I am writing a post about you believe me you will know it.

To end I'd like to say if your confused about why i even had to write this then you did nothing wrong.

3 months

Sometimes it feels like forever sometimes it feels like yesterday. Today it feels like Hell.

Break Down

I've been doing really well over the past few weeks. I've been so busy that I haven't had much time to really even think about much. I know it can be bad, but really it felt like a break for me. I've had so much happen over the past 3 months that I feel like haven't had a break from heart break. So having some time to not think had helped somewhat.

There is however a different type of break. A brake down. And that is what I had tonight.

Jason and I purchased a home 9 years ago. After he lost his job 4 years ago we lost that house and we have been renting for 3 years. This week we were able to once again become homeowners. It's such a big step in the right direction. But at the same time the response ability can be overwhelming at times.

So today we started moving. We packed some things and made a few small trips over. Jason had to take Madalyn to her softball game that was 45 minutes away. So I packed some more while I waited on the boys to get home. When they did we made another trip over to the house. That was the breaking  down point.

I, for unknown reasons, decided that trip to load up my closet, as well as everything off and inside my dresser. I started with my clothes and worked my way through some of Haleigh's dresses, then I moved Jason's gun and bow.

And there is was: Joshua's swing.

It was like someone punched me in the stomach. My throat got tight and my chest started to hurt. I quickly pulled it out of the closet and placed it on the floor next to the bed. Behind the swing was a box of newborn diapers.

That did it. I couldn't hold it any more even if I had tried. I sat on the floor in my closet and cried for a good 30 minutes.

Until Landon came to find me. He wanted to go look at the new house again. I composed myself and climbed out of the closet, box of diapers and all. I loaded them in my truck.

After that I grabbed all 6 memory boxes and their baby books. Behind the last book was a plastic shopping bag. What was In that and why was it stuck in the back? Because that's where I shoved Joshua's clothes when I last saw them that's why they were there. The socks. The hats, the one piece out fits, the little bitty blankets.

It's all there still just waiting on me. On him. On someone to use it. Waiting for Joshua to need Them. Waiting for a day that will never come.

I can't let go of these things so I loaded them. Drove them to the new house and tucked them away in the closet again.

I feel bad because I know there maybe people that I could give these baby things to that really need them. For an actual baby.

But I can't.

I can't let someone's baby use Joshua's things. They are his. One day maybe I will be able to give his things away. But that one day is defiantly not today. And will not be a day soon.

Being Sensitive

I've always tried to be sensitive to other people and their pain. The pain of loss is like no other. Wether it's a loss that you expected because maybe someone had been sick or if its an unexpected loss of someone who had been healthy. Loss hurts and I try to be understanding but sometimes I just don't understand people.

First I never compare my loss of Joshua to any other loss. Even my other losses. Because each one is different. My loss is different than yours and while we may find common ground they are not the same and can't be treated as such.

Second just because we may share common ground doesn't mean we need to bond over it. I may seem like a very open person. I mean hey I'm writing in a public blog for the world to read. But honestly I do this for me, it's a way to get my thoughts straight and work through my feelings.

I feel bad that I feel the way I do about some people and their losses. I think it's because I have had early pregnancy loss and a baby die that I see these things as very different. Don't get me wrong my early losses hurt and I grieved those babies. But to a lesser extent of course. I understand how if that is the only loss you've ever had how it can be life altering because the reality is that, that baby you wanted and you had dreams for that baby as soon as you find out they are on the way. I know I did. I always felt a connection with my babies as soon as their were 2 lines on the stick. But when I lost those babies early I cried and I missed them. I wondered what they would have been.

But I didn't hold them in my arms.

I didn't know if they were boys or girls. I didn't see their faces and kiss their heads. I didn't burry them and have to say goodbye. I don't have a box full of pictures and a news paper clipping. I only have a stick with 2 lines and 2-3 weeks if hoping things would go good. But with Joshua I have those things. I had 15 weeks if knowing I felt him kick, I heard his heart beat. I saw him move around on the ultrasound. I saw him suck his thumb. I saw his sweet face and kissed his feet and hands. I held him as he passed away. I visit him in the cemetery.

So yes, for me it's very different. My losses at 6 weeks were nothing compared to the loss of Joshua. I can't imagine the pain of loosing my sisters or parents, but I know the pain of loosing a child. The one thing your suppose to out live is your child. No one should have to burry their babies, it's not the way life should work. This fallen world is truly upside down and our only hope is God.

Harder to sleep.

I've been sick this week. Generally speaking we are a healthy family. I believe Haleigh was introduced to some kind of flu while at the hospital. She was the first to be sick followed by Collin, Landon, Aden, Jason and myself. How Madalyn has not been sick is a mystery, but I hope she stays well. Everyone is getting better I still have a couch. Collins turned into an infection. But still it's not as bad as it was. I had no warning actually I was fine Saturday and I thought the kids were all feeling some better as well. Jason was at his worse that day though. But Sunday morning I woke up at 530am shaking from fever. It took all I had to get out of the bed and find some meds. 2 hours later my fever finally broke and I was able to sleep. My wonderful daughter came home from her friends house to watch the other kids so I could rest and just "be sick". I'm still sick but at least there is no fever. I'm just dizzy and can't sleep. Probably from the meds they don't say day or night time but they are keeping me up. I'm afraid of becoming dependent on sleep aids so I won't even take the night time meds. That may sound crazy but I don't want to need pills. And especially if I found ones that would make me not dream, I'd be hooked for sure.

I dream of Joshua all the time. It's impossible not to. It never goes the way it really went though. Sometimes he's born big, healthy, screaming. Just the way a newborn should be. Just as we are getting ready to leave the hospital the nurse tells me I can't have him home with me. No one takes babies home anymore she says. Sometimes it's all happy and those dreams are the hardest to wake up from. I like being in that dream. Holding him rocking him to sleep, but when I wake up those are the hardest mornings and my roughest days. Because I realize its all been a dream and he's gone. Some dreams I can't repeat because they are awful, those are the ones that make my heart race and I wake up in a sweat. Some nights I don't dream at all, because I don't sleep at all. I'm not sure if fear of dreaming is keeping me awake or something else but I've got to find away not to lie awake for hours in end only to never fall asleep. It's not caffeine I rarely drink anything except water, so who knows. Eventually I will sleep hopefully it's not at an inconvenient time.

I hope to feel good enough tomorrow to go see my mom. We are going to start working on a project. Hopefully that goes as planned.

Just another day.

Sundays aren't bad days. I actually like Sundays. I went to church today for the first time since Joshua was born. And since the church is only 2-3 miles from cemetery I went. It was the first time I've been with out Jason and I found it by myself ( Proud of that). We Ha really bad storms here for the past 3 days so the Angel my mom put out there and a lot of his other stuff was knocked over so I made sure I moved all the leaves and picked up and arranged everything. And I realized this is how I am taking care of my baby. Instead of changing diapers and breast feeding. I am cleaning off leaves and setting up angels and buying flowers for his grave. I wish I was changing diapers instead. I already have some that will never be used. I know I should give them to someone who needs one but I'm being selfish and I don't care. I have blankets and a swing and diapers and a few clothes and socks. Those are Joshua's and Im not sure if I will ever be ok with letting them go. He never wore them never touched the blanket but I bought them for him they are his things and I want them. Completely selfish and I am ok with being selfish.

I love my baby so much. No one will ever understand the kind of pain I'm in unless they have been there. Things were not suppose to be this way. Babies are not suppose to die. Mothers are not suppose to bury their babies and take care of their grave. Mothers are suppose to take care of their babies. This is not how things are suppose to go.

Bad dream

Maybe I'm suppose to start a new blog and explain why I'm writing or what I'm writing about. But I don't want to. I want to wake up this is the worse dream I've ever been in. This is not my life. This is not my life. I go to sleep and pray when I wake up that this will be over. I wake up every morning stuck here stuck I'm a bad dream and I can't get out. This is not real it hurts too much please let me wake up.