Easter 2014

Happy Easter

 

 

 

 

 

 

I wanna see your face

Sometimes I just long to see their faces. I have dreams about who they may have been. What they may have looked like if Joshua was now a year old and the girls were 1 month old. I see dresses out for Easter and I see their faces in them. I see him toting around learning and exploring. I wonder still what their favorite things would be. Who their favorite person would have been. How we would have juggled it all. Where we would be. I know these what if questions are not to be answered and yet I can't help myself from thinking them. 

I look at their pictures when the images in my head get fuzzy. I need to know and remember exactly what they look like. I need the pictures on my wall to remind everyone they were real and were here alive on earth even if it was just a few short weeks inside me. They were here.  They were real. They had meaning and weight in this world. 

Hope Amelia Greer

This link will take you to a slide show of my favorite pictures of Hope. I have never shared these pictures before. If you don't want to look at them don't click the link.

http://web.photodex.com/view/6p7mbkm4

Faith Aubree Greer

This link will take you to a slide show I made of my favorite pictures if Faith. I have not shared these pictures before. If you don't want to see them don't click the link.

http://web.photodex.com/view/967mbkm4

Joshua Henson Greer

This link will take you to a slide show I put together of my favorite pictures I have of Joshua. This is the first time I am sharing these pictures. If you don't want to look at it don't click the link. 

http://web.photodex.com/view/a77mbkm4

Another unforgettable day.

So much has happened in a year. So much pain. So many tears.

A year ago today I buried my baby boy. 

Joshua's Marker

The headstone was finally placed sometime between Thursday and Sunday morning. I am happy it's there. A place to put flowers, until I order the-bigger granite  and name plate for the girls. Joshua's name plate will just be moved to the other granite. It's hard to explain. It won't look like a married couples marker either. And it will be placed in the middle. More like a slab instead of a headstone. I can't wait to get the girls done. I want all the funeral stuff over. 9 months is a long time to be dealing with all of this.

His Headstone turned out beautiful though. Just beautiful. 

Baby Books

All of my children have baby books. They are all filled out. I know people who filled out the first kids baby book and then less with their second and if they have a third they may not even have a book for them. I on the other hand have always enjoyed keeping their books up to date and making each book special for just that child.

They make one for babies who are born still or die at birth or shortly after. Its called Footprints. I have one for Joshua that is all filled out. I just ordered 2 for the girls. I had decided before they were born that their books would not be the same, they would be just as different as my other children'd books. Because even though they were to be identical they were still two people. Now their books will be the exact same book and will be the exact book that Joshua has. The Book while I am completely greatful for is a little thin. I would love to have a place to write how I feel at 1,3,6,9,12 months after they were born a place to write on their would be birthdays on their would be first day of school. I know not every parent would want that in there and may think its too hard to think about all those special would be days, but for me it would be awesome to have all of that included in there. Instead its just a place to record all the birth information, and their resting place. They are I believe 15 pages and only cost 8$ each on Amazon.

I can tell you that when I bought Joshua's book in January I never imagined I would in 8 months need two more books. I wish I didn't need them. I wish I could still get two book that are bigger thicker, different from each other, meant for live babies, but I don't get that. I get 2 small books that will take 30 minutes each to fill out completely. They will be tucked away in Faith and Hope's memory boxes and stored away just as joshua's is. I dont keep them far from me, easy to get to incase i need to Cradle their blankets and smell their sweetness.

Pictures

I love looking at pictures of my children, Including my Babies with wings. I have about 100 pictures of Joshua, that may seem like a lot, but a lot of them are of him being help by others and your can't see much except blanket, but i love them, because I know he's in that blanket. I have about 30 pictures of him that you can see his face and about 10 of those are of him alone. I knew when the girls were born I would want a lot of pictures of them by themselves as well as together, but of their faces and bodies. I have about 150 pictures of them about 100 are of their faces, and about 5 have me in them. I wish I would have been a little stronger and gotten more pictures of me with them. I didn't think about it until I had said goodbye and knew that was it. I was looking through the pictures and realized there was not many with me. I had taken a ton of the girls, just very few with me. I told my mom and Jason I wanted more. I was going to ask for the girls back, I could have at any time. I was too scared and changed my mind. It was so hard to let the nurse walk way with them knowing that was the last time I would hold them. I cried for a long time, I couldn't do it again. I could not ask for them again and then have them taken from me again. So I didn't and i wish I had. I have so many of Joshua and myself. But the few I have with the girls are great shots and I love them.

As I said before, we didn't call NILMDTS this times. It took a really long time to get the pictures of joshua and i worried about them being lost or me never getting them, and then they were not at all what i expected, so we decided to do all the pictures ourselves. I love the way they have turned out. I would volunteer to do that for others, but I would just sit and cry for them and thats not the way its suppose to go.

Yesterday in my email I got an offer from Shutterfly. Thats a website to upload pictures to, and they print and make photo books. The offer was for a free book, 8x8 20 pages. I was so excited, I put it together of all 3 of my Babies with wings, this morning. All I have to pay is 7.99 shipping. ordering it tonight since Jason has my Card in his truck. I also got 50 free prints for joining. I will probably make them of all 8 kids. I have lots of pictures of all the kids not very many prints though. I will probably take some new ones before I print them. I had heard of Shutterfly before, but I am real great full for their gift at the moment. I was really excited to have a gifts for the babies, and buy them things. Of course that didn't and won't happen, so this is as close as I get to welcome babies gifts.

A week

Happy one week Faith and Hope.

I love you both so much. And miss you more than words can express. 

Big Brother

Joshua is a big brother. He has twin little sisters who were born on Tuesday just one day shy of his 8 month birthday. And today we laid them at his feet. I know they are all together, and I know they are in a place that I will be in one day, being taken care of by the family that has gone before us. But I'd rather have them here with me. I'd rather have an 8month old little boy and newborn twin girls and have my life completely crazy than have 3 angles in Heaven. My heart is broken.

The photos from Now I Lay Me Down to sleep.

This is a very personal post for me and I don't want to share the complete photos I feel like Joshua is all mine and I don't want to share exactly what he looked like with the world. I'd rather keep that just for me.

But ... I will share some I edited to put effects on and I will say that these photos are the best gift I could have ever received.

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

I am meeting the photographer the did Joshua's pictures this weekend sometime. I have to text her to set up a time to get the CD. I am so excited, Scared, and nervous to get them. I want to let everyone know that sometime in the near future I will be posting these pictures here on my blog. I know some people may be sensitive to seeing Angel baby pictures and that is ok with me if you don't want to see them, but I will be posting them.

NILMDTS

My pictures of Joshua were mailed out yesterday!!! Whoo Hoo!!!

The Small Things Mean the Most

Today I got an email back from the head of Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, the organization that came and took pictures of Joshua for me in the hospital. They say you should receive the cd by 6-8 weeks and its been 10 and a half and I haven't gotten mine yet.

I tried to call the photographer and e mail her and never got a response. I'm glad the people at head quarters are helping me contact her. I don't care if the pictures are perfectly edited I just want them especially the one of me Joshua and Jason together. I don't have one like that. I said in my other post that I wish I had new pictures of Joshua and while I didn't get to take new ones of course.

My sister Jessica had taken a few that I had never seen and she sent them to me tonight. I love them. Their is one close of his face from an angle that I don't have. As well as a couple of Jason's mom holding him. I didn't have one of those either. I'm grateful for these small tokens. It's proof that he was born and lived and was here and was (is) very much loved.

I've always had a lot of pictures if my children. I took so many and took them to be made. I never wanted to forget how very small they all started out as. But Joshua's are so much more than just pictures they are his life.

They are all I have left.

The smallest things:

A picture, a blanket, a ring, a footprint, a single name on a necklace. They mean the most.

Photo Edit

I've been playing with the photo editor. I'm sad that I will never get new pictures of Joshua. There are poses I would have taken had I not been in shock.

A Month

It's been a full month today that Joshua has been gone. He wasn't even here but for a few minutes and then we got to spend a few hours with him before we said goodbye forever. It's so unfair, babies should not die its not natural. I just want to kiss his perfect little face today. I miss feeling him kick and seeing my belly grow. I wasn't even that big I didn't have time to get uncomfortably pregnant before he was born.

I would be 24 weeks now. That's the start of viability. If I could have held on until now he'd have a real shot at living. If my water would have broken today instead of a month ago Joshua would have had a chance. I just don't understand. I miss him so much.

We took him some purple flowers today and moved all the leaves off the grass. That's all there is left to do. It's just not fair.

Joshua's whole life

In Pictures