Triggers

Triggers what does it mean?

I see that word and it has multiple meanings for me. 

At one point it might mean I have a migraine and something I ate triggered it (pork). 

I read it at the top of a post in my loss group and I know that they are either announcing a pregnancy or birth of their rainbow. 

A trigger for the Baby loss community looks different for everyone in it. It may look different for every person every day. 

When Joshua died I couldn't even look at my own maternity clothes they just reminded me that I wasn't pregnant with him. I leaked for a while after he was born when I heard a baby cry. My triggers that lead to me crying in the bathroom at target included walking past a baby's sock. It was a very painful time to be me. And I suspect even around me. 

When Faith and Hope were still safely tucked inside my womb, I has thoughts of how healing having twins was since I had lost Joshua. I still had issues with stores so I looked on line. When they died my triggers were not only that of Radom baby things but now included all things twin. Even the off chance of catching a re-run of Sister-Sister hurt. I was set off by little girls who looked alike or who were not twins but were dressed alike. Same out fit, same bow, different colors. All I could think was, how I was robbed of the chance to parent my children.  

As my grief had changed so has my triggers. I still stair at pregnant women and hope their babies make it. I pray every night that my sister brings her baby home from the hospital healthy. I can online shop for her. I haven't tried to go to the baby store yet. I may try.... I may order. I can hold babies, but I don't want to put them down or give them back. I still feel robbed. Cheated. Shorthanded. But it no longer keeps me a prisoner of my home. I am no longer crying in the bathroom at target. 

One day I may be able to see a child who was born when my babies should have been born as not think of how much I miss them. One day I may wake up and not immediately think of how unfair this all is, one day one day. 

But for today I'm still here. Still knowing that in 20 minutes It will be Joshua's would be 1st birthday. The day we had circled on the calender. The day he was due to be born. 

So if I seem a little scattered and I don't pick up the phone, it's because my arms are aching to have what now only my heart can hold. Be paient with me while I grieve the loss of what today will never be.  

Today

One Day. If that's all you had left with someone what would you say? What would you do?

Depends on the person right? I mean if it's your mail person, you might smile when you see them. But if it's you child, I bet you would hold them until the very end was done. 

Imagine that's the only day you had with them ever? That's how it is for me. That's how I feel. I had a few hours to make a life time of memories with 3 beautiful children. There is so much that I still wanted to say and do with them. So much I wanted them to know. 

I didn't have time. I didn't know that I didn't have the time. That there wasn't going to be a tomorrow with them. 

I had plans. The night my water broke with Joshua I remember thinking got much I had to get done that night and the next day what all I needed to be bought to decorate for Christmas. I thought I has time to sit and rub my belly and talk to my baby later. I thought I would have a lifetime to share my love for him. But I didn't. 48 hrs later he was gone. My whole world shattered. 

There is not a tomorrow. There is however a today. Use today! Let things happen today. Slow down. Take your time. Be paient. Let life happen. Take a step back and thank God for today. Not once in the bible have I seen it said "Jesus then hurried off because he fell behind Gods plan and had to catch up" 

We are never behind. We are always exactly where we are meant to be. 

Owls and Monkeys

I think I have mentioned before that, we had picked a Monkey theme for Joshua. They were pretty popular and there was a monkey theme bed set along with a seat and swing. Jason and I spent a whole night the week before Joshua was born planning all of our monkey stuff. We had big plans for our little monkey.

For our girls we had decided to buy owls. They were are still are easy to find and most of the time there are two owls on things together so it felt right. We looked at a few things but we did less planning, we tried in vain to guard our hearts. 

So I see things. I see Monkeys. I see Joshua. I see owls. I see Faith and Hope. Sometimes I look at them and smile at the memories of picking that stuff out for my children. Sometimes I look at it and feel sad that I don't have the memories of buying it. I never got the chance to set that stuff up. I never got to see my Monkey grow. Or my Owls snuggle together. 

I miss them more than any words could ever explain. 

I make it everyday with the promises that have been made to me by God. One day their will be no pain. One day there will be no more tears. One day I will see them whole and healthy. And we will rejoice in The Lord our God together forever. 

I wanna see your face

Sometimes I just long to see their faces. I have dreams about who they may have been. What they may have looked like if Joshua was now a year old and the girls were 1 month old. I see dresses out for Easter and I see their faces in them. I see him toting around learning and exploring. I wonder still what their favorite things would be. Who their favorite person would have been. How we would have juggled it all. Where we would be. I know these what if questions are not to be answered and yet I can't help myself from thinking them. 

I look at their pictures when the images in my head get fuzzy. I need to know and remember exactly what they look like. I need the pictures on my wall to remind everyone they were real and were here alive on earth even if it was just a few short weeks inside me. They were here.  They were real. They had meaning and weight in this world. 

Joshua Henson Greer

This link will take you to a slide show I put together of my favorite pictures I have of Joshua. This is the first time I am sharing these pictures. If you don't want to look at it don't click the link. 

http://web.photodex.com/view/a77mbkm4

He qualified me

Things are changing for me. My grief is changing from self despair to action and making a diffrance. I got to this point much sooner after Joshua. I made bereavement diapers and donated them all over. After I lost the girls I just wanted to scream and be alone and be mad and sad. I didn't want to help anyone. I simply didn't care.

A few days ago a friend called. She was going to be induced. I was torn. I knew she would labor and deliver by herself. But I couldn't bring myself to go help her through her labor. I wasn't ready for that. I thought about her all night and called her the next day. God blessed her with a short labor. And a healthy baby girl. But she was still alone. No one would be visiting her. Her husband is watching the other young children and hasn't a car.  No family in the area and few friends. It was me or no one. God I prayed to forget. I prayed for her not to need me. I prayed for this not to be what God wanted me to do. I wanted to not care... But I did care and God was telling me to go. 

I went to the store quickly picked up the first pink blanket I saw, a 3 pack of bottles and a newborn pack of diapers. I drove to the same hospital I delivered my sweet babies at walked up to the labor and delivery floor and willed her not to be in any room I had been in. Luckly she had been moved to post delivery and was not in any room or hall I was on. 

The baby was in the nursery. It was shift change. We talked for about 20 minutes and incomes the baby. I froze. She asked if I wanted to hold her. Then quickly said I didn't have to. I took the baby and cried. She cried and I smiled at the sleeping baby girl in my arms and things changed. I sat and staired at her. I fed her a bottle. I changed her diaper and clothes. I snuggled with her. Then I handed her back to her mother. 

I changed. 

I realized I want to be there for mothers. I want to share in their joy when the baby is healthy and I want to help guide them through their pain of stillbirth and miscarriage. But I don't want to be a nurse. As wonderful as my nurses were when their shift ended they went home. They were paid and while they did their job and I will forever remember how wonderful they were. When they left I still needed them. I didn't want to bond with a new nurse. I wanted the one I had all day. That's where a bereavement doula comes in. They help families bond say hello and say goodby to their babies. That's what I want to do. I want to let them know they are not alone and that  they will live through this. I also want to be trained by now I lay me down to sleep so that I can not only support them but take beautiful pictures for them. Help them arrange a service and attend a support group. All free. Donated services for parents who are hurting. Being a trained doula I would also attend "happy births" for a fee. These would allow me to do the others for free. 

I'm not ready to begin my training yet. I'm just starting out getting my books together. Getting my mind ready. However God has put this in me to do this and honestly I Am so confused at why he would choose me. I'm a mess sometimes.

When?

The last few days have just been hard. I miss my babies. I want to know what they would have looked like full term and whole. Fully formed. I want to know what they would have liked to play with. What their favorite foods are. What the love what they hate. What toys would they ask Santa for?

I sat today and watched Landon play outside in the back yard. Running around chasing the dog and my heart aches for the three kids I have that I will never get to watch do that. 

When will I be able to look at my kids and not see what I'm missing with the ones that are gone? When will I not look at a newborn and long for my own? When will I get through a holiday without the grief? When will it not hurt so bad? 

Christmas

Merry Christmas in Heaven

Joshua, Faith and Hope. 

Another unforgettable day.

So much has happened in a year. So much pain. So many tears.

A year ago today I buried my baby boy. 

Should have.

I could have done it you know. Raised a few more children. I could have given birth to Joshua in late march beginning of April (since I always go early) and then gotten pregnant with the girls immediately after. I know people who have kids who are less than a year apart. I could have handled that. I could have had 3 kids under 1 right now. That would have been awesome. I would be should be so tired changing 30 diapers a day. Pumping, feeding, washing, I should be drowning in baby bottles and clothes. I should be a mess of newborns. I could have done it. I'm strong enough for that.

But this....

This tired is from being up crying, this lonelyness of no one really understanding. This pain of empty arms. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I would trade what is for what should have been any day. 

Days you don't forget part 4: Going home

Disclaimer - Most everyone who reads my blogs knows I have older living children. Some may not know that I have 5 older living children. This blog post will have stories about them and their births and  first birthdays. As a baby loss mom I know how hard it is to read about children who are the age your child should be. So I wanted to put that out there incase anyone wants to not read this post. That is by the way 100 % ok with me. 

I realize now since it's the day after that another day that sticks out for me is the day I brought my children home from the hospital. And leaving the hospital empty handed. I think it was easier for me to leave the hospital after Joshua died because I had left the hospital without my baby before. It wasn't the first time I had given birth and went home with out my newborn. 

Madalyn was the picture of health. We came home 2 days after her birth. I stopped by my grandmothers on the way home. She never had a problem as a newborn. Everything was perfect. I never imagined that Anyother child I ever had would not be just as big and healthy.

Collin also came home with me two days later. He had to have a bililight though and we had to take him to the dr everyday for a week to check levels. Then he logs weight and needed special formula. It was stressful to say the least. However he was healthy we were ok. 

Aden was my first baby that didn't come home with me. The day after I had him we both left the hospital. I went home Aden went to the children's hospital bigger nicu. I cried every night missing him. He was there 18 long days. Came gone. Had some stressful sicknesses along the way. But by preemie standards he was healthy. 

Landon taught me that sometimes you have to wait a long time. I spend 4 days in a different hospital unable to see my baby. I left the hospital empty handed just as I had with Aden 3 years before. I went to see Landon and then went home. 59 days we traveled back to the hospital sometimes twice a day. He was 2 months old when he came home and he was again healthy. He like Aden was wheeled out in his crib at the hospital. No wheelchair with baby for us. Again. 

Haleigh was early too. I didn't think they were going to let her leave with me. When they told me she could go I was scared to death. You mean they let babies who are 2 days old go home from the hospital?!? I got in that wheelchair and they handed me my baby. Finally I thought. This is the way it's suppose to be. Finally!! 

I left the hospital the day after Joshua was born. A year ago today. I carried a pillow and a box of reminders that he was real. I didn't cry. It wasn't that abnormal to leave without a baby. The hard part for me was there was but baby to call about to go see. To pump for to stress over.  The girls were much of the same. I carried two boxes out that day. 2 days after giving birth to them. I was tearful but I made it through. I didn't want to really leave the hospital. I knew once I got home I would have to face complete reality. Anther funeral for two lives not lived. Another due date that would come and go with out the newborn cries. Another empty armed chair ride. 

12/13/13

Days you never forget part 3: A year Later

Disclaimer - Most everyone who reads my blogs knows I have older living children. Some may not know that I have 5 older living children. This blog post will have stories about them and their births and  first birthdays. As a baby loss mom I know how hard it is to read about children who are the age your child should be. So I wanted to put that out there incase anyone wants to not read this post. That is by the way 100 % ok with me. 

Baby's first birthday. 

Madalyn turned one on a Thursday. Being 16 I decided her birthday party should be at exactly 5:15pm that day. And it was. It was a great day. Madalyn was already running by the time she was one.  Jason was there took off work. Parents aunts uncles no cousins were born yet. We had just come back from the weekend at the beach for July 4th. My paw-paw was there. That was the only one of my children's birthdays he was able to go to. He died before Madalyn turned 2. Before any other children were born. He loved her though. As much as anyone loved another person he loved her. I miss him. 

Collins first birthday we were broke. I mean broke for real broke. But some how we made it and he had a great party. Grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, a few friends. Still no cousins. It was a beautiful day. We had most everything outside. And while we had it again on a Thursday because that was his birthday. We had it later in the day. Since he was born at 338. He had just begun to walk good. 

Aden's first birthday was a busy time. We had Madalyn in school, Jason and I were both working and Aden had some physical therapy once a week. His birthday was on a Friday. We had his party that day but again later that night. Aden took his first steps on the night before his birthday and we showed off for everyone at his party. Still no first cousin but we did have a 2nd cousin that is a few months younger than Aden come over. And of course all the grown ups. He for.A little overwhelmed at his party. We cut it short by a little. He loved opening gifts though. 

Landon turned one on a extremely hot July day. We had a pool party and by now we had 2 cousins to invite. 2 little girls. One older and one younger than him. We decided to have him a cake on his real birthday and ten we had a party that weekend when it was easier for everyone to come. It turned out great. Everyone had a great time. Landon stood in his high chair and smashed his cake all in his hands. 

Haleigh's first birthday was stressful. She could not have any dariy, soy, eggs, or nuts until she was two. That didn't leave a lot of stuff to make a cake from.  I found one though and made it for her. I got everyone else real cake. I had her party at my mothers house on the of her birthday. A Tuesday night. It was the only place and time everyone could get together. And we had 3 cousins there All girls. The youngest just 6 weeks younger than Haleigh. There was another cousin not able to be there who is 9 months younger than Haleigh. Haleigh enjoined smashing her fake cake. And I think she may have eaten some if it even. 

So the girls haven't reached their birthday. Although their due date and scheduled section dates are around the corner. They have been gone 4 months already. But today. Today is Joshua's birthday. I can believe it's been a whole year. Time is not the same. Sometimes I feel like I've been standing still and moving fast all at the same time. 

What am I suppose to do today? I can celebrate. I feel like I am celebrating death. My kids want to sing to him. Maybe I will let them at the cemetery. But I put my foot down at cake with his name on it. I can't do that I just can't. 

Days you don't forget part 2: The day of

Disclaimer - Most everyone who reads my blogs knows I have older living children. Some may not know that I have 5 older living children. This blog post will have stories about them and their births and  first birthdays. As a baby loss mom I know how hard it is to read about children who are the age your child should be. So I wanted to put that out there incase anyone wants to not read this post. That is by the way 100 % ok with me. 

I will never forget the births of my 8 children. 

Madalyn was born on a rainy summer afternoon. Big full term. Healthy. 8pounds 13ounces. 22inches long. I labored for 4 hours before getting the epidural. At hour number 3 I had my first experience ever with Nubane. 4 hours after my epidural she was born. They have her to me straight away. I held her I loved her. And in that moment. The young teen who walked into that hospital became a mother. She's 15 now. 

Collin was born on a cold fall day. after I went to the dr. Talked to her about thinking my iron was low. I was half way to done at the drs office. Next door at the hospital I was given my IV, my dr broke my water after less than an hr and another centimeter. I decided after that to get my epidural. 3 hours later Collin was born. They handed him right to me. I thought he was the smallest baby I had ever seen. He cried and I cried. He was healthy and a beautiful baby. 6pounds 11ounces 20inches long. I remember being in awe of how much he slept. I was now the mother of two children. A Girl and A Boy. He's 12 now. 

Aden was born in the middle of summer for Alabama. It was hot. After not seeing a dr the night before. My OB saw me the next morning. I was in labor and half done. I was scared. I was 33 weeks. I didn't know about preemies yet. I didn't know if 33 weeks was enough. They were enough. My epidural worked after he was born but not before.  I was warned he may not cry at birth but he did. It was loud too. I remember I was sad that they handed him straight to the nicu doctor and not me. But they did let me kiss him quickly before taking him to the nicu. He spent 18 days in the nicu. Born at 4 pounds 14 ounces he came home weighing that exact amount. Loss weight then gained it back right on track. He was so tiny. Nothing fit. I was 21 years old. Mother of 3 children. A Girl and 2 boys. He is 10 now. 

Landon's birth was a shock. It was mid summer. Hot and human. That morning before my dr appointment I had 2 contractions that I had to breath through. At the dr I was put on a monitor. I was contracting every 4 minutes. I was 31 weeks. Went it the hospital expecting to be on bed rest and meds to stop labor. Instead with in 3 hours I had a prolapse cord and emergency c section and a baby that was taken to children's hospital 20 minutes down the road. He had the faintest cry, but he did cry. He weighed 4 pounds 3 ounces. Lost down to 3pounds 2ounces. Came home 58 days later at 7 pounds 3 ounces. The perfect newborn size. No preemie clothes needed. I was 24 when he came home. Mother of 4 children. 1 Girl 3 boys. He is 7 now. 

Haleigh was born on the change if season from fall to winter. It was cold. That morning my nurse was rude. Saying the monitor was not picking up contractions. I could get dressed they were sending me home. I was in a lot of pain. I told her matter of factly that I was not leaving with out seeing my doctor. She left in a huff. My dr came in with my new nurse. I told him I was having contractions I didn't care what that thing said. He checked I was 5 cm. And that ment I would be staying at the hospital. An hour later I was 6. I got my epidural. My water was broken. And Haleigh was born. 5 pounds 2 ounces healthy. 34 weeks, no nicu. 26 years old I left the hospital with my baby. a mother of 5. 2 Girls and 3 boys. She is 5 now. 

The day Joshua was born was Cold. December. Almost Christmas. Everything was lit up all around was decorated. Then there was me, with no hope left. No chance of my baby having a chance of life. Labor stalled, bleeding was heavier, I decided to get an epidural early even though I was not in a lot of pain yet. I didn't want any pain at all. My pastor came to see me. A pastor from a friends church came and prayed with me. I delivered my baby boy that afternoon. The room was so quite. My dr wrapped Joshua in a blue towel and handed him to the nurse who stated to walk out. I said no, and my OB asked if I wanted to hold him. I said yes. The nurse said they normally bathe the babies first, but I wanted him right then and they laid him on my chest. He was so still. Beautiful. His heart was beating. I rubbed his feet and head. I few minutes later the heart beat was gone and Jesus had my baby. The nurse tried to take him and I refused. My OB assured me that they would bring him back but that he needed me to let him go with them. Apparently they had an OR standing by for me. I didn't need it. 10 ounces of pure Angel. 10 inches of pure love. I left that hospital at 30 years old. A mother of 6 children. 2 girls 4 boys. 5 on earth. 1 in heaven. He will be 1 tomorrow. 

Faith Aubree and Hope Amelia were born in the summer. It was actually nice out though. But warm. I went back to the hospital that day because I felt off and some pressure. I went in through the ER. They called L&D and when they realized who I was since I had been their days before they sent me up. The nurses thought I was constapated. I was relived that that was what it was. After that was taken care of though I was in pain. I watched the clock and realized my pain was every 5 minutes. I was alone. I called the nurse told her I knew I was in labor and I was in pain. She went to call the dr. While she was gone baby As Faiths water broke. I knew it was over then and I called my mom and Jason to the hospital.  The on call said he wasn't coming. I was less than 20 weeks. So it was a miscarriage. But he decided to call my OB. My OB was amazing and came to the hospital. Did an ultrasound. Babies were alive but there was no cervix left. A few minutes later Faith was born. 3 whole ounces her sister followed shortly after another 3 ounces. Between their births I was given a shot of pain meds. They didn't work very well. I got another one after Hope was born. They handed me the babies together wraped in a blue cloth. My nurse asked their names. Jason came in. My mom came in. My sister came in. I was told I would need surgery. The girls were so perfect just small. Compleatly fully formed babies. They just needed time to grow. Time my body could give them. I spent 2 more days there. Left still 30 years old. Mom to 8 children. 4 girls. 4 boys. And it will stay that perfectly even number if 8. 4 and 4. They are 4 months old now. 

Days you don't forget part 1 : the day before.

Disclaimer - Most everyone who reads my blogs knows I have older living children. Some may not know that I have 5 older living children. This blog post will have stories about them and their births and  first birthdays. As a baby loss mom I know how hard it is to read about children who are the age your child should be. So I wanted to put that out there incase anyone wants to not read this post. That is by the way 100 % ok with me. 

The Day Before..... 

I remember all the "day before" all my children were born. For Madalyn it was a Tuesday and I had decided I would probably be pregnant forever since I was now 7 days past my due date. I went to bed crampy. She was born at 5:15pm the next day. 

For Collin I slept the whole day. I couldn't help it. I simply could not stay awake. I thought my iron was probably way low. I was having contractions but I had been in and out of labor for a month. I was not going back to the hospital. And since I was 4 weeks until my due date I felt I had a lot of time left. He was born at 3:38pm the next day. 

Aden was a little different. I knew I was in labor. I called the dr they were closed the on call told me I needed to rest with my feet up. Told me that if I came to the hospital he would tell them to give me a sleeping pill and send me home. I would not be monitored or checked. I was only just 33 weeks. I was told I needed to calm myself. I didn't eat. I tried to sleep. I tossed and turned and was in pain. He was born at 4:45pm the next day. 

With Landon I felt great the day before. I was on modified bed rest. I was 31 weeks. I was big but not huge. I would lay and feel him twist all day. There were no signs of labor until the next day. Everything happened really fast with him. He was born the next day at 1:26pm. By C-section. My only section. 

With Haleigh. I spent the night before her birth in the hospital In labor and delivery. I had been there Thursday through Saturday and went back Sunday night. I was In so much pain. Contracting, I was 34 weeks and trying to make it to 36. It didn't happen but she was healthy none the less and born at 2:58pm that Monday afternoon. 

With Joshua I expected the same. Pain the day before. Go in have a baby. Pray I can get 30+ weeks. Pray for no nicu time. I never thought I needed to pray for him to just live. However the day before he was born I did just that. I prayed and prayed. I knew there was a pretty slim chance he would survive. My water had broken the night before. I was on complete bed rest. I couldn't even get up to pee. All I could do was lay there and pray. The next day he was born. Some Say my prayers were unanswered. I say that God simply said no. I don't know why he said no but that was his answer. It's hard to accept, but he has a plan and for whatever reason this was apart of it. And saving Joshua was not. It makes me very sad. 

The day before Faith and Hope was born I was on complete bed rest at home but with bathroom rights this time. That night I had a bad backache and couldn't sleep. I sent Jason to work any way that morning. I regret that because if it he missed their births. I prayed they would make it. They way their brother didn't. I prayed for it to not happen again. It did. Again God said no. Again I don't know why. But they were born that next day. 

So that brings us to today. 12/12/13. A lot of people thought the world would end on 12/12/12. And for me in a way it did. Today a year ago I laid in the bed and prayed and prayed for God to show me what to do. Do I try and hang on for weeks more? Do I take the induction I was offered? Do I go home? Do I stay in the hospital? Even if I made it to viability would he make it with no fluid? I was so scared to make the wrong choice that I made no choice at all until it came to possibly losing my life as well and Johua was still too young to have a chance. I tell you if he would Have been in any way closer to viable I would have let myself get sicker to protect him. To give him that chance at life. But that's not how it went. I laboured and delivered my son knowing he would die. There was nothing I could to about it. 

Tomorrow he will turn one. There are find many ideas for parties now days. With my older ones there was not. It had just started when Haleigh was getting 2-3 years old. But there is not going to be a party. I know some people throw parties for their babies. They ask for money to be donated to a charity in the baby's name instead of gifts. But I tell you I can not not not do that. I can't see the name on a cake he will never smash. I can't sing to a child he will not hear my voice who is no longer here. I can not decorate for him. It's not fair to me or anyone else to pretend it's a happy day. It's not. I've lived a year with out my son and it SUCKS. I will not pretend to have a good day. 

I have however thought about what I would have likes him to have as his first party. And I do believe this is what I would have wanted for him. 

Cute right?!? 

I bet they get read Dr. Seuss in heaven 

Time to celebrate..... What?

Tomorrow is the annual Christmas dinner/party at Jason's work. I don't want to go. I hate going. I don't know anyone. Most everyone who works there are men and so it's a bunch of men talking about work with their wives staring off into space wondering when we can leave.

Last year I took it as a last time to go out before the baby was to be born. I was showing. I sat and talked with another wife for a few minutes about how we were expecting a boy. What if she sees me? What if she remembers I was pregnant? What if she asks? What do I say? "Oh...that yeah...um.... He died a week after last years party then I got pregnant again and had twins....but.... They died too and now... Well .... Now I can't have any more children. But hey Merry Christmas".  I'm sure that will not be awkward at all. 

I wish I could say he's doing fine. Learning to crawl and say mama. I wish I could say he's alive and well. I wish I could say we have to leave early because this is the first time I've left him. 

Things are so much different this year for the party than last year. I wonder if anyone will miss me if I hide in the bathroom all night. I am just reminded how happy I was last year and how sad I am now. 

Life

I have a lot if mixed feelings on life and death in general. More now than ever before. I do not have dought on where we go, or my Faith. I just have mixed feelings about it. As In life. I believe life starts at conception. Life in its very earliest forms, the division on cells, the start of a beating heart. What I don't understand is why some life ends so early, my children were ment for something great. I believe all children start out with greatness and can grow into adults ment for greatness. But some where along the way some if us get derailed.

I can honestly say if it was not for my already foundation of Faith, my Families Faith, and the love of my pastor and church family, I would hate God. I know it. It would be easy to blam it all on him. Something he "did to me". 

If I didn't have a better understanding of God and the price Jesus paid for me then I would believe that I was being punished for my sins. 

I sometimes wonder if God chose me to be Joshua, Hope and Faiths mother because he knew I would grow closer to him through it. I wonder if it's because he knew someone else would blame him and I would not, that I would understand that it's not something he did to make me hurt. That he didn't take them as payment for my sins. He knew I would not turn from my Faith but grow in it. He knew I was not strong enough to do it on my own. But also had in place the people that would help me through. 

I wish that had not been me though. I still wish I had my babies instead. I know that is selfish. But I am a mother. A mother of eight children. A hidden mother of twins. A mother of babies that never cried. A mother of a teenage girl that worries me grey. A mother of 3 living boys. And a son that plays in heaven with his 2 sisters. A mother of a 5 year old that doesn't understand why her babies died and other people get to keep theirs. A griving mother who would do just about any thing to make the world right and have her babies back. A mother who loves her kids and puts them before herself. 

I am only human and that makes me selfish by nature. So yes if I could wish my children from heaven back to earth I would. If I could go back and do anything in my life different I would hold them a while longer. I'm human. I miss them. 

The Time Myth

Myth #1 Time heal all wounds 

Truth : No no it doesn't. Time dosent heal the hurt of your baby dying. Time keeps going and nothing stops it. Time for grief is like a bandaid. It covers for a while. Makes you think your ok that the hurt in down deep and not at the top any more. Then the band aid gets ripped off because you realize how much time has past. It's another birthday, Christmas, month, year with out them and the time between when you last held them and now is getting longer. Time dosent heal it hurts. 

Myth #2. In time you will forget. 

Truth :  I don't want to forget. These are my babies I will never ever forget them. They were here, they were alive, they mattered. 

Myth #3 Give your self time and you will get over it. 

Truth : This is not something you get over ever. Time will not help it. You get over losing your house, you get over not getting that watch you wanted, you get over not being approved for that new car. You however do not get over the death of your child. 

Myth #4. Time is your friend. 

Truth : No no it's not. I live in 2 different times now. The before and the after. And sometimes even a 3rd. After it happened again. The time between my babies dying is too short. The time I spent with them was too short. The time they were on earth was too short. The time I have to spend without them it too long. The time I have to wait to touch then again to see their faces is too long. 

A beautiful disaster

Losing Joshua was and still is the hardest thing I have ever been experienced. It was cruel. Everything was going just as it should. I was having no problems. We had found out it was a boy. We started planning. Picking a name. Everything that we had done after the first 13 weeks with our other children. Things were perfect. We were going to have 6 beautiful children. 4 boys and 2 girl. We had just gotten back from Disney World and we were starting to decorate for Christmas. I don't think there had been a time when we were so happy. It had been a while since everything went right for us. And this was it.  Pregnant and happy with our last child. Then disaster struck. Out of the blue. From no where our whole lives came crushing down on us. My water broke. That one moment realizing that no I was no peeing was the scariest moment of my life. I think I knew that he would not make it at that moment I sat on my bed towel between my legs and cried. I called for Jason and then we headed for the hospital. I was sent to another hospital where my dr was and by morning it was confirmed that my water was broken. I was put on meds and given the option to terminate the pregnancy. I was heart broken. I could not give up on my baby. I wanted to give him life. I never got the chance. The choice to carry him to term and give him a chance was taken when my health was at stake. I had to think of my 5 other children and there mother, I couldn't leave them motherless. I had to deliver my baby boy knowing he would not survive birth. My heart was crushed, there was nothing I could do. I never wanted to let him go. I fell into a deep dark hole and had no intention of climbing out of it ever. I acted a good show in front of people but I was dying inside.

Then there was a light. Then two lights. Twin girls. 

I think from the beginning I tried to guard my heart from loving them. It didn't work. I loved them from the moment the line on the stick showed pink. There is no love like the love a mother has for her children. I didn't believe that I would make it to 13 weeks. I did. After that people told me to not worry. That God wouldn't take 2 more children from us. That having two was Gods way of giving me Joshua back what was taken from me. To believe and it will be. To pray and I will be given two beautiful girls. To think good thoughts and good things will follow. They were all lies. Everyone of them lies.

 It was different though I denied what would happen. I put off going in until the morning after. Didn't wake Jason, because well I could have just peed. I mean I was pregnant with twins after all. 

When my dr told me he was admitting me and it was probably not going to be a good outcome. I simply said ok. I thought to myself. I will not give up. I will fight for these children's lives.  And I did. I was offered a termination again. I have learned that is standard and they must offer it to you when the baby is not yet viable. I said no thank you. I believed I would make it. That my babies would be miracles. But a part of me knew. I stopped looking a twin things I would need. I deleted my wish list. I was mentally preparing for what I knew was to come. But still I laid on bed rest and prayed. It was however not meant to be, I think the week between my water braking and labor helped me process what was about to happen and it softened the blow and with that my beautiful happy life had turned into one disaster after another. 

I didn't know how to comfort my children about their brother and sister dying. I didn't know how to not lay in the couch and cry. I didn't know how to live any more. I didn't want to kill myself, but I wished to die. To stop hurting. To stop being so angry. To have happiness back. To really laugh. To stop crying. To be the kind of mother I once was. 

I believe my girls helped me heal. As crazy as that seems I know I did not truly begin to heal from Joshua's death until I lost the girls too. It's terrible to say. I know. I am greatful though. I may have never gotten the help I needed for my depression if I had not lost the girls. It makes me sad that I had to lose them to heal. 

I loved all three of them so deeply. As deep as for my living children. I love to talk about all three of them. I miss them and speak their names often. 

There is a hole in my heart in my life that will never be filled, but at least now I can sit and look at their pictures and smile at the memories of the few hours I got to hold them in this life. I smile at the memories of them kicking inside me of them rolling around on the ultrasounds. I have very few memories with them, but all of them are good ones. I wish I had more. I wish I was given more time in this life with them. But I know the years I spend without them will be shorter than the eternity I will spend with them. 

Happy Halloween

Yesterday was Halloween. I had a headache for the early part of the day. I believe it was allergies and over tiredness. I cooked dinner. Chicken n Rice. A favorite for my kids, (however it took me months to make it after I had Joshua. It's what I cooked the night my water broke with him. ) I then got them ready to go to the church fall festival and to trick or treat. While getting Haleigh in her pink bat girl costume. I began to think of Joshua. It should have been his first Halloween. I should be getting him dressed and needing a stroller. I should also be so big and pregnant with twins that I would need to drive and not walk a lot. But that was not what happened. I got my kids ready, pushed the thoughts of my lost little ones aside put a smile on my face and had a Happy Halloween.

I wondered as I put my children in bed last night if I would always have that cloud that hung over me tonight. If I would always be sad about what could have been with my children in heaven if they would have stayed here on earth with me. Will I ever truely enjoy a holiday again? I can't answer any of those right now, but I have hope that one day I will enjoy the things I use to enjoy. That even though I will always think of them that the pain will not be as intense as it is now. That I won't have to smile through it, instead I can smile because if it. 

Until then though I will not let my children know how sad I was and will be. Especially with Christmas coming. They deserve a happy mother, who bakes cookies with them and sings frosty the snow man with a smile. And that's what I am going to do for them. But Joshua, Faith and Hope will always be there in my thoughts and in my heart. I will always wish they were here. I will always wish things were different.