Christmas 2013

Today was both happy and sad all together. I was excited to see the faces of my children when they opened their gifts this morning. When we got up Haleigh declared today the best Christmas ever. I'm sure it was better than last year. I however still don't remember Christmas Day 2012.

We cooked a big breakfast then played with the new toys. Built a basket ball goal with the new set. Adjusted the set of a bike. Adjusted the bars of a scooter. Tried on new clothes and shoes. Took a bunch of pictures. We cooked out part of lunch/dinner. Took showers, put on new clothes and headed to my sisters house. We took all the stuff there and then headed to the cemetery. 

I have a live hate relationship with the cemetery. I love going and feel close to my babies while I am there. I know they aren't really there but I still feel closer to them there. Maybe it's because I am focused on just them. I then hate it there. I can't see them. I can't feel them. I can't have them. I miss them so much and I know I can't have them. I know that while this is Joshua's 2nd Christmas in heaven it's the girls first and there will be many many more to come that we celebrate without them and I don't want to. I want them here I don't want to have to go to the cemetery to tell them merry Christmas. It sucks more than anything else I can ever imagine. 

The picture below was taken last night. The round glow to the right on my oldest sons head was only on this picture and no others. I believe it's my babies. All three of them. 

Merry Christmas from earth to Heaven. 

Christmas

Merry Christmas in Heaven

Joshua, Faith and Hope. 

Being Happy

In general I am a happy person. You can't tell it by this blog. I write a lot more when I'm sad. It helps me deal with the tremendous grief and sadness that surrounds my life. I fake it a lot. I smile when I want to cry all of the time, but there are also times where I am truely having a good time. When I am having a moment of actual happiness and enjoyment. Times when I almost forget the hell my life has turned into. Today I had one of those days. I had a day where I woke up and realized I didn't dream last night. I didn't wake up with my heart aching. I didn't dream of my lost babies. I didn't dream at all. I had a morning that things went smoothly. We went to church even though it was raining (storming) I thought to myself this is a great day. I didn't wear my fake smile to church today. No today I had on my real smile and I'm not sure when the last time I wore that was. Sunday school was good and I was able to follow along with out my mind drifting (I have ADD). There was not any children's church today and despite having the boys sit with me I was able to listen to the message and follow along with out thinking about my sons funeral that was there a year ago. (That's something I think about often there).

Normally after church we go to the cemetery. Today it was raining so bad that we couldn't. We went to our Sunday school Christmas party and for the first time in a year I was surrounded by people and didn't feel alone. If you have never been in a room full of people and felt alone, then there is no way to explain how that feels. It's worse than actually being completely alone. Today though I felt like I was wanted there. Not like they had no choice but to invite me, bit that I was really wanted there. And it felt amazing. I laughed real laughs. I didn't sit in the corner and hide, I engaged myself in conversations. I felt a little like the me that left a year ago. And it scared me I started to think on the way home "should I be happy?" "Can I be happy and still be sad my babies died?" 

I have decided that yes I can I can have moments of pure happiness and I should. I need to allow them. 

I needed today more than anyone else knows. More than anyone at that party realized. They helped me feel normal today. Today I was not "the girls who's babies died" I was just Crystal. And that felt really good! 

Merry Christmas Baby Girls

Time to celebrate..... What?

Tomorrow is the annual Christmas dinner/party at Jason's work. I don't want to go. I hate going. I don't know anyone. Most everyone who works there are men and so it's a bunch of men talking about work with their wives staring off into space wondering when we can leave.

Last year I took it as a last time to go out before the baby was to be born. I was showing. I sat and talked with another wife for a few minutes about how we were expecting a boy. What if she sees me? What if she remembers I was pregnant? What if she asks? What do I say? "Oh...that yeah...um.... He died a week after last years party then I got pregnant again and had twins....but.... They died too and now... Well .... Now I can't have any more children. But hey Merry Christmas".  I'm sure that will not be awkward at all. 

I wish I could say he's doing fine. Learning to crawl and say mama. I wish I could say he's alive and well. I wish I could say we have to leave early because this is the first time I've left him. 

Things are so much different this year for the party than last year. I wonder if anyone will miss me if I hide in the bathroom all night. I am just reminded how happy I was last year and how sad I am now. 

Merry Christmas

Christmas 2012 is coming to a close and it has been a really sad day. The weather is even dark.

Madalyn, Collin, Aden, Landon, and Haleigh had a great day and I can only imagine how wonderful Joshua's day was. Spending Jesus' birthday with him in heaven.

My day here on earth was just hard . I want my baby back and I know I can never have him hear in earth and I don't know how many more Christmas I am going to spend here without him.

I went to see him today at the cemetery and it was cold and windy there so we didn't stay very long. I bought a baby's first Christmas hat for him and when I got there I saw that my mother had gotten an angel and put it out there for him so I put the hat on the angles head. It was a goo d fit. I had all the kids with me and some how I kept it all together and didn't have a complete brake down. We left there and went to my sisters house to celebrate Christmas with my family. I would have really liked to go home and to bed but I managed to go and smile and even eat.

I'm thankful I have such a thoughtful family. But nothing can take this pain away. I know I'm suppose to learn something from this I am suppose to do something, something is suppose to come of this but I'm just not sure what it is.

Christmas Eve

We went to church tonight as a family to the Christmas Eve service at a friends church. It was nice to be with God. But even there surrounded by people I felt really alone and could not wait to leave. I wanted to just do something nice together as a family, and reading Gods words makes me feel closer to Christ as closer to Joshua. Anything that makes me feel closer to Joshua I throw myself into but tonight I didn't have that feeling. Tonight I felt lost. I just don't want to have Christmas this year I just want it to be over. I want to go to sleep and wake up from this nightmare. Christmas use to be my favorite holiday, it use to make me feel good inside and now I only feel pain and sadness.

Sad

That one word sad, sums up so much of how I'm feeling everyday. Just SAD.

We finished Christmas shopping tonight and I feel sad that I will never get to shop for Joshua. I got him an orderment but I want to buy him a mobile, a teddy bear, a a rattle. What would he have liked. Would he have liked Mickey Mouse or toy story or maybe power rangers instead. Would he have been and outside type kid or more into video games? Those are questions I will never get answers too and it hurts. I hurt not knowing. I want to know who my baby was. I want to know his smell, the way he would have looked after a bath with his hair all a mess. I want to know his favorite color and the way he like his Cereal in the mornings.

I sure do love and miss someone who I know very little about.
But there are things I do know

I know Joshua would have been tall, long legs like his daddy and long fingers like his mom. I know he liked to be up and kick at night. I know he didn't like tomatoes or popcorn. I know he loved water, so maybe he would have loved to fish as well. I know that he would have had blond hair almost white like Haleigh's, he had eyebrows that were very blond. I know that he had a dimple in his chin like Landon has and his lips were also shaped like Landon's. I know he would have been amazing and I know he would have been so loved here in our family. We all love and miss him so so much.