He's got Today.

Today I can not say was the best day of my life, but it wasn't the worst either. I know that even though it was an expected date this would have never have been his birthday. And in a strange way that comforts me.

My new job as a children's director in my church has taken off. We have a lot of events planned. We have had many meeting and many more to go. We are just starting on this road. It's exciting and challenging. It's made me think a lot about where I stand with God. I've said before I am not mad at him. I do not believe he stole my children. They were always his, he just in trusted me with them while they were in earth. And even though It was such a short time I am glad it was me. 

I have thought sometimes why he would put so much pain in my life so close together. That somehow this would have been easier has it happened when I was younger or between living children instead of back to back. And then my pastor cleared it all up for me. Though it took me 2 weeks to understand what he said was true. God has no past no future. Time for us is leaner because that's how we understand life. For God everything is now. 15 years ago for us is now. 15 years from now for us is now. So I understand, everything that has Happened and will happen is happening right now. Like I said it confused me for 2 weeks. But I understand now. 

I'm sure I don't have all the answers. I'm sure a child will ask me a question that I don't know the answer to and I will answer with "That's a great question, let's find the answer together". I'm sure I am going to learn as much if not more from them than they will from me. I am sure God lead me here or I would have ran far far away from this job. I'm sure I'm going to love it and hate it. I'm sure it's going to bring more joy into my life. I'm sure that it's scary to start new things. I'm sure it's worth it. And lastly I'm sure God is with me. He's got this, even if I don't. Even when I doubt my ability to do this he knows. He has this. He has me. 

Living with open eyes

I have come along way over the past year in where I am in my over all Faith that God really does know better than I do, the plans he has for my life. 

It's opened my eyes to a new world. A world I didn't even know existed. A world where you don't worry everyday because you know that God has this. There is nothing bigger than my God. 

That however is not the world I lived in before. It's strange how much a year really matters. How much a year can change someone. 

I think about where I was once. Living the way I did. Sure I went to church and sure I learned a lot. But things were the same. We still skipped Church on Joe Cain Sunday to go downtown, kids and beer in tow. Hey we weren't hurting anyone, we even parked in a church parking lot and set up our grill in the area next to us. Did the church still have service that day? Yup they did. I remember looking at the people going into that church thinking "why can they not take one Sunday off?"  Now that was a few years ago, not last year. 

But I understand now. 

It's not about Sunday. It's not about church. It's about a relationship with Jesus, and you don't take "brakes" in your relationship with him. 

I admit that when Joshua died I felt completely abandoned. By God, by people who were suppose to be my friends, by people who were suppose to be my brothers and sisters In Christ, and even by some family. I sometimes even felt like I wasn't worthy of their support. I have harbored pain, bitterness, depression, and Anxiety over simply not being good enough. 

I did not give myself enough time to work through that when my Girls died too. Felt less abandoned, by more alone. I had never been shown the love my Church family poured over me when I buried them. I could feel their prayers. Their repeated gifts of food. Their hugs and smiles and simple phone calls showed me that I was where I was meant to be. But in a crowded room I still felt alone. But not abandoned. 

I believe all things happen for the glory of God. I believe that I am where I am suppose to be. Serving where I am suppose to be serving. I however would not be here if I hadn't lost Joshua. If he was alive and well I could see us still going to church on Sundays and sometimes taking a brake from it to go grill in a church parking lot. I would never have needed my pastor to love me before he knew me. I would not have needed him to pray over me and my baby while I was in labor. I wouldn't have needed him to Pray with me at Joshua's service. I wouldn't have know the love through Christ that he has. 

As much as Joshua brought us into where to worship we still fought to actually move there. We drove 40 mins one way some Sundays. When we found out we were having twins is when I decided I needed to live closer to my mom and sisters. So we moved. 10 mins from the church we worship and serve at. 2 weeks later my girls died. 

My children had meaning. They had a mission from God. Joshua's mission was to show me the love of God through my pastor. Faith and Hope. Their mission was to move us closer to family and church. And in doing that it has moved us closer to God. 

What an amazing gift my children have given me. I'm so glad I can see It now. 

I see the way we use to live. I see the way we live now. And I am thankful for every change God has allowed to happen to us. 

I am in no way "over" the deaths of my children and I don't believe over is really something you ever do. I believe living with the pain and missing them gets easier but it's always there. I love them and will love them and miss them until my last breath. Then I will see them and will get to tell them Thank-you. For choosing me as you mother and thank you for helping me see what I needed to see and to look at the world with my eyes open. 

Living with open eyes

I have come along way over the past year in where I am in my over all Faith that God really does know better than I do, the plans he has for my life. 

It's opened my eyes to a new world. A world I didn't even know existed. A world where you don't worry everyday because you know that God has this. There is nothing bigger than my God. 

That however is not the world I lived in before. It's strange how much a year really matters. How much a year can change someone. 

I think about where I was once. Living the way I did. Sure I went to church and sure I learned a lot. But things were the same. We still skipped Church on Joe Cain Sunday to go downtown, kids and beer in tow. Hey we weren't hurting anyone, we even parked in a church parking lot and set up our grill in the area next to us. Did the church still have service that day? Yup they did. I remember looking at the people going into that church thinking "why can they not take one Sunday off?"  Now that was a few years ago, not last year. 

But I understand now. 

It's not about Sunday. It's not about church. It's about a relationship with Jesus, and you don't take "brakes" in your relationship with him. 

I admit that when Joshua died I felt completely abandoned. By God, by people who were suppose to be my friends, by people who were suppose to be my brothers and sisters In Christ, and even by some family. I sometimes even felt like I wasn't worthy of their support. I have harbored pain, bitterness, depression, and Anxiety over simply not being good enough. 

I did not give myself enough time to work through that when my Girls died too. Felt less abandoned, by more alone. I had never been shown the love my Church family poured over me when I buried them. I could feel their prayers. Their repeated gifts of food. Their hugs and smiles and simple phone calls showed me that I was where I was meant to be. But in a crowded room I still felt alone. But not abandoned. 

I believe all things happen for the glory of God. I believe that I am where I am suppose to be. Serving where I am suppose to be serving. I however would not be here if I hadn't lost Joshua. If he was alive and well I could see us still going to church on Sundays and sometimes taking a brake from it to go grill in a church parking lot. I would never have needed my pastor to love me before he knew me. I would not have needed him to pray over me and my baby while I was in labor. I wouldn't have needed him to Pray with me at Joshua's service. I wouldn't have know the love through Christ that he has. 

As much as Joshua brought us into where to worship we still fought to actually move there. We drove 40 mins one way some Sundays. When we found out we were having twins is when I decided I needed to live closer to my mom and sisters. So we moved. 10 mins from the church we worship and serve at. 2 weeks later my girls died. 

My children had meaning. They had a mission from God. Joshua's mission was to show me the love of God through my pastor. Faith and Hope. Their mission was to move us closer to family and church. And in doing that it has moved us closer to God. 

What an amazing gift my children have given me. I'm so glad I can see It now. 

I see the way we use to live. I see the way we live now. And I am thankful for every change God has allowed to happen to us. 

I am in no way "over" the deaths of my children and I don't believe over is really something you ever do. I believe living with the pain and missing them gets easier but it's always there. I love them and will love them and miss them until my last breath. Then I will see them and will get to tell them Thank-you. For choosing me as you mother and thank you for helping me see what I needed to see and to look at the world with my eyes open. 

Family Ties

My due date with my girls has past. 01/17/14. It wasn't as bad as I thought it may be. I think that's because I would have never made it to that date. My girls would have been born at 36 weeks at the latest. So my due date was a date to go by for development but was never an actual goal or delivery date. Jason and I spent the day together. Paid some bulls. Had lunch. Talked a lot. We don't get the chance to talk just us much and Haleigh actually took a nap in the car so we were able to just talk a while. Having 5 kids and dealing with the loss of 3 more takes it's toll on the body and mind. It also takes it's toll on every relationship you have ever had or will have.

The relationship Jason and I had before baby loss entered our life is nothing like the relationship we have now. In a lot of ways we are better. We are stronger. But we have a lot more communication problems than we use to. I find myself not saying things that I need to say because I don't want to argue. Except sometimes it needs to be said. He doesn't want to hurt my feelings so he holds stuff in too. Then there are parts of us that just wanna be near each other and sometimes when I'm lying with his arms around me I feel our babies wrap their love around us. 

I wish I would have spent more time with my grandparents. You just don't realize when you are 14 years old how important your grandparents are. Now that I'm 31 I know and it's too late ( for most of them). My grandmother was resently in the hospital and now in a nursing home for long term care. She cries for her baby sometimes. I wonder if she had a baby loss that we don't know about. My (step) grandmother Henson had a picture on her wall of a baby girl, I was told it was her daughter. She died as an infant. I wish I could talk to her. My great grand mother miller lost a child at 5yrs old. I wish I could talk to her. My grand mother Walker lost her 5 children in a divorce. She wasn't able to see her kids for years. I never understood these women's heart ach until now. My family and I didn't understand. I didn't lose my children until after these women had passed away or have not the ability to share their stories with me. How I wish I had them by me. But I know they are watching my children in heaven. Taking turns rocking them. 

My mother never lost a child. However she has lost 3 grandchildren. I don't have any grandchildren so I can't say for sure how a grandmother feels. But I imagine that the love you have for your grandchild is as close as it comes to the love you have for your child. I know it's hurt her watching me hurt. I know she would do anything to give me my babies back. She and my dad help me take care of the grave where my children rest. They helped me plan their funerals. They helped me raise money to buy headstones. They are taking care of their grandchildren in heaven the only way they can. Just as I try and take care of them the only way I know how. 

I wish I could say that since their due date has passed that I think about Faith and Hope less but the truth is I think of them more. And I miss them. 

Dreams

I've written a lot about sleep. Or the lack of, well it seems like I have anyway.

I don't sleep a lot. When I do I dream a lot. I hate my dreams. They are wonderful dreams until I wake up and find myself back in hell and that my dreams were just that a dream. 

Last night my dog could have died. If I had went ahead with the plans that I had earlier that day. She would have died. I wouldn't have been there to beat 2 pit bulls off of her. (I am not against all out bulls, or bulls my dog is a Boxer). I need a new mop now by the way I broke the Handel of mine on one of the hits. They finally let go growled and barked at me. I had a moment of fear and then hit the dog again. I was not going to be attacked In my own back yard from a dog that dug under my fence. No no that was not happening. I got pissed. And then remembered my fur baby had limped into the house. I kept an eye on the dogs and backed into the house. I wasn't alone my sister and oldest son was with me. 

I went into the house to find my dog layed against the door way to the bedroom. I could see blood so I ran and got a towel from the bathroom. Her front paw was dripping and I covered it with the towel I was shaking and when I saw how much blood there was I cried. I just knew she was going to die right there on the floor. She wouldn't walk so I could get a better look. So we called the vet who gave us the number to the ped ER. 3hrs, 1 pain shot and 136$ later we left there with out dog headed to Jason's sisters house. She is a vet nurse and we wanted her to give it to us real. We felt like the ER was not being real with us. Demanded 610$ that night and then another 600 Monday. Jason's sister said it was because they are an ER. We got trixie to them at 1245 and Jason and his sister took her to the clinic. 30 mins later they came back to the house. She had called the main vet and then have trixie some better pain meds, Antibiotics and an IV. She said she expected worse, but couldn't tell us how bad it was. She was still dripping blood. 

I had no choice but to sleep it was 230am. I was slowly creeping on 24 hrs of being awake. The coffee was almost gone. I was sleepy and didn't even need a sleep aid. I feel right to sleep. However my dreams were anything but sweet. They were filled with me trying to keep everything alive. My babies. Pets. Flowers. Everything I touched eventually died. I was glad to wake up from that dream. 

Waking up we were told that Trixie was not as bad as we had thought. She was really beat up, but they are pretty sure she's going to be ok. As long as there is no infection that sets up in her then there is no reason she shouldn't make a full recovery. The biggest thing working against her right now is her age. She's over 10 years old. That's right we have had her longer than 2 of our kids and one was a month old when we got her. I sighed with relief. Maybe everything I touch doesn't die. Or at least not today.  

Tonight though I thought I was going to go to sleep and I did for a minute or two. Maybe it was an hour. Then I was in the back yard and pregnant and the dogs were coming through the fence and my dog was there ready to defend me and my unborn children. I woke up because Haleigh needed more fever reducer. But I didn't want to finish that dream anyway. Some dreams aren't worth the ending. 

Christmas 2013

Today was both happy and sad all together. I was excited to see the faces of my children when they opened their gifts this morning. When we got up Haleigh declared today the best Christmas ever. I'm sure it was better than last year. I however still don't remember Christmas Day 2012.

We cooked a big breakfast then played with the new toys. Built a basket ball goal with the new set. Adjusted the set of a bike. Adjusted the bars of a scooter. Tried on new clothes and shoes. Took a bunch of pictures. We cooked out part of lunch/dinner. Took showers, put on new clothes and headed to my sisters house. We took all the stuff there and then headed to the cemetery. 

I have a live hate relationship with the cemetery. I love going and feel close to my babies while I am there. I know they aren't really there but I still feel closer to them there. Maybe it's because I am focused on just them. I then hate it there. I can't see them. I can't feel them. I can't have them. I miss them so much and I know I can't have them. I know that while this is Joshua's 2nd Christmas in heaven it's the girls first and there will be many many more to come that we celebrate without them and I don't want to. I want them here I don't want to have to go to the cemetery to tell them merry Christmas. It sucks more than anything else I can ever imagine. 

The picture below was taken last night. The round glow to the right on my oldest sons head was only on this picture and no others. I believe it's my babies. All three of them. 

Merry Christmas from earth to Heaven. 

Being Happy

In general I am a happy person. You can't tell it by this blog. I write a lot more when I'm sad. It helps me deal with the tremendous grief and sadness that surrounds my life. I fake it a lot. I smile when I want to cry all of the time, but there are also times where I am truely having a good time. When I am having a moment of actual happiness and enjoyment. Times when I almost forget the hell my life has turned into. Today I had one of those days. I had a day where I woke up and realized I didn't dream last night. I didn't wake up with my heart aching. I didn't dream of my lost babies. I didn't dream at all. I had a morning that things went smoothly. We went to church even though it was raining (storming) I thought to myself this is a great day. I didn't wear my fake smile to church today. No today I had on my real smile and I'm not sure when the last time I wore that was. Sunday school was good and I was able to follow along with out my mind drifting (I have ADD). There was not any children's church today and despite having the boys sit with me I was able to listen to the message and follow along with out thinking about my sons funeral that was there a year ago. (That's something I think about often there).

Normally after church we go to the cemetery. Today it was raining so bad that we couldn't. We went to our Sunday school Christmas party and for the first time in a year I was surrounded by people and didn't feel alone. If you have never been in a room full of people and felt alone, then there is no way to explain how that feels. It's worse than actually being completely alone. Today though I felt like I was wanted there. Not like they had no choice but to invite me, bit that I was really wanted there. And it felt amazing. I laughed real laughs. I didn't sit in the corner and hide, I engaged myself in conversations. I felt a little like the me that left a year ago. And it scared me I started to think on the way home "should I be happy?" "Can I be happy and still be sad my babies died?" 

I have decided that yes I can I can have moments of pure happiness and I should. I need to allow them. 

I needed today more than anyone else knows. More than anyone at that party realized. They helped me feel normal today. Today I was not "the girls who's babies died" I was just Crystal. And that felt really good! 

Life

I have a lot if mixed feelings on life and death in general. More now than ever before. I do not have dought on where we go, or my Faith. I just have mixed feelings about it. As In life. I believe life starts at conception. Life in its very earliest forms, the division on cells, the start of a beating heart. What I don't understand is why some life ends so early, my children were ment for something great. I believe all children start out with greatness and can grow into adults ment for greatness. But some where along the way some if us get derailed.

I can honestly say if it was not for my already foundation of Faith, my Families Faith, and the love of my pastor and church family, I would hate God. I know it. It would be easy to blam it all on him. Something he "did to me". 

If I didn't have a better understanding of God and the price Jesus paid for me then I would believe that I was being punished for my sins. 

I sometimes wonder if God chose me to be Joshua, Hope and Faiths mother because he knew I would grow closer to him through it. I wonder if it's because he knew someone else would blame him and I would not, that I would understand that it's not something he did to make me hurt. That he didn't take them as payment for my sins. He knew I would not turn from my Faith but grow in it. He knew I was not strong enough to do it on my own. But also had in place the people that would help me through. 

I wish that had not been me though. I still wish I had my babies instead. I know that is selfish. But I am a mother. A mother of eight children. A hidden mother of twins. A mother of babies that never cried. A mother of a teenage girl that worries me grey. A mother of 3 living boys. And a son that plays in heaven with his 2 sisters. A mother of a 5 year old that doesn't understand why her babies died and other people get to keep theirs. A griving mother who would do just about any thing to make the world right and have her babies back. A mother who loves her kids and puts them before herself. 

I am only human and that makes me selfish by nature. So yes if I could wish my children from heaven back to earth I would. If I could go back and do anything in my life different I would hold them a while longer. I'm human. I miss them. 

Day 5

Sisters

I believe

When you think about heaven, what is it that you think of?

The bible says we will worship God forever and ever. It also talks about the new heaven and the new earth. And the streets paved with gold. 

What do you think heaven looks like? Do you think we will know all of our loved ones that have pasted before us? What about our loved ones who were not believers? The bible says there will be no tears, no more fears, no more pain. 

I have a hard time picturing what heaven looks like. I do believe that we will be with those who have passed before us. I do believe I will be in heaven one day. I believe that even though all of the people we love may not be there that we will not be sad, we will have peace about it. As hard as it may seem now, I beiieve that as truth. 

I believe there will be Angels there. Showing us what heaven is about. I believe that there will be angels and loved ones there at the gate waiting for me when I walk through it. 

I don't believe we ever become angels. Despite calling my babies angels I do realize they were so much more. Jesus died for them, just as he did for you and for me. He didn't do that for angels. But, they are there. Their little soles are there waiting for me. Wrapped in love by my grandparents and Jason's grandparents. Playing with some special friends children along with some family children. An aunt who I never met that died as a child and and uncle who Jason never met that died as a child. My 3 I imagine playing together in heaven playground, peacefully never knowing the pain this world has. 

I hope they felt love for the short time I had them with me in earth. I know they know it now. 

I have a hard time picturing what they look like. I always picture Joshua to be about 5 years old. In my dreams of him he is never a baby, always 5-6 years old. The girls are younger. I picture them to be about 2-3 years old always. I don't know if that is the age they will be in heaven or if they will appear younger or older. I do believe we are all at our perfect age, and I believe I will know exactly whom children are when I get there. 

Day 4

Blessed

I am so blessed to have people in my life who care and who are with me through everything. I have people who understand that if I don't answer the phone to try sending me a text or leave me a message because I may just not want to speak at the moment. I have times that I just want to be left alone. I'm thankful that they understand that but don't completely leave me either. I have people who are not scarred to ask me questions or talk with me about Joshua and use his name. I love it when people say his name out loud. To me it means they love him and will not forget him ever. It means he was real to others besides me, reminds me he was here, he was important and his life had meaning great meaning. I hope everyone knows how important it is to me that his life had meaning.

On that line I have been thinking a lot about how to be sure that I make his life even though so very short touches other lives. I have a few ideas on what I'm going to do to make sure his name is known, but for now that will have to wait until Joshua's sister is done with her surgeries. ( haleighstory.blogspot.com) That will happen this summer and I'm thinking by the time school starts in the fall I will be ready to begin my great project. I hope it helps bless the lives of other parents who will sadly be where I have been. I know I am going to have a huge support system in doing this.

Dealing

I completed day 2 of the devotional and I think this book just gets harder. But I know I'm going to need it to deal. Today was about disconnect and made me think about where my relationships are that I had before Joshua was born and where they are now. I can honestly say that I have made a point to disconnect with most people because its easier to be alone. After realizing that I needed my friends I reached out today and it was good. I know a lot of people don't know what to say to me though and it's sad that instead of trying they just don't speak to me at all. That is their choice though, and I will not be where I'm not wanted. I can even tell I have distanced myself from my family and that was not intended. With the fog I have been in I didn't even realize until today. Jason and I are actually stronger now that I think we have ever been. I had heard that a lot of couples get divorced when things like this happen and I guess I can see that happening if your not open and honest with how your feeling everyday. It's hard especially when Jason has had a hard day and I've had a good day or vice versa. But we have become really good at reading each other. I guess 13 years of marriage does that.

My kids are a little distant and I am really trying with them but it's hard to know when is enough so I'm letting them lead. I want to be happy for them so bad. I know they can feel my depression and they know I'm not the same as I was before. I'm just not sure if they like who I am now. It worries me that I may not be paying enough attention to them and their needs. Not physically I know they have their physical needs met. Rather their mental and emotional needs. I am not equipped to support them with that right now. I can't even support myself in those areas but I am trying and they know they can talk to me anytime about anything. I have made it a point to make sure they know that there are pictures of Joshua that they can look at, that we will be putting together a scrap book for him that they can help with and that they are always allowed to talk about him at any time. Sometimes their timing on its not great. Like Haleigh telling the dr at her pre op that her brother was in heaven with Jesus. The ped just looked at me and I said yes Haleigh he is. She is so proud to have him even if he is in heaven she talks about him everyday. She one proud big sister.

My parents and sisters have been amazing and have stepped back and given me space that I have needed so badly after all the togetherness that Christmas brought and I can honestly say I am happy to be seeing them tomorrow for a birthday party. I miss them. And it will keep my mind busy as tomorrow marks 1 month since Joshua was born. A whole month. I'm taking him flowers tomorrow. I hope he can see them from heaven.

If I was still pregnant.......

I know it's not good to think like that but I can't help it. I have thoughts like. If I was still pregnant I'd be 21.3 weeks and feeling him move more. And tonight as I was cleaning up after my sick daughter I was thinking, I would be trying to clean up after her and puking too if I was still pregnant. I thought about having a New Year's Eve drink but didn't because I should still be pregnant. It's after Christmas and we were going to order out cloth diapers around now if I was still pregnant we would be picking out prints for covers.

There is just so much we never got to do for him there is so much I want to do still its like my brain has not had time to catch up with my new world because sometimes I forget. I wake up with a hand on my belly where my growing bump should be. Sometimes I walk by the baby section and think I should go look. Sometimes I see his things and remember he will never use them. Sometimes I see his memory box and realize there is nothing more to add to them. That's it all the memories i will ever have if Joshua are in that box. I can't make new memories with him. He's gone and it sucks. I should still be pregnant. I could have handled being pregnant and a sick child. Bring pregnant and having Haleigh's surgery I could have done that. I could have handled being super busy and being pregnant. I could have been super busy with 6 kids. I would have been fine. All that I could have handled just fine. But this, this is not fine, this I am not doing fine with. This is not ok. This i can not handle. This is pain beyond explaining. I should still be pregnant.......

Alone

For the first time since Joshua was born I'm alone. Haleigh is still asleep, Jason is at work and until 2 the other kids are at school. I feel alone. I don't like it at all.

Haleigh needs her sleep. Jason had to work. The other kids needed school. I need to not be alone. But I really don't have a choice.

I'm so tired, but I can't go back to sleep. I've started having bad dreams, dreams that are so bad I will not write them down here. The only way I can sleep with our waking up in a sweat crying is with medication. I can't do that forever. I don't know how to get the dreams to stop any other way though.

I have to go shopping tonight with Jason to finish Christmas shopping. I'm not looking forward to it at all. I hate going out in public it makes my heart race and makes my head spin. So there again I self medicate. I'm going to run out of pills before this gets better because if all the outings we have this time if year. Then next week we are going to my mother in laws house. I hope I can relax there. I really don't want to have to be medicated the who time but if I'm not at home I feel like I'm in a panic. I hate it.

I just want to go back. Go back 2 weeks ago when everything was ok. Back when I was happy and pregnant. I want to get out of this dream and go back to my real life getting ready for Joshua to be born full and healthy. Not this hell. Not this life I miss my son. I miss my life.

Today I'm Alone.

Anger

Apart if grief is Anger. I'm not sure what that really means and who exactly I am suppose to be angry at. I'm not mad at myself there is nothing I could have done. I'm not mad at Jason he had been so wonderful and understanding. My sisters my mother my father all of Jason's family that I count as my own. Everyone has been here for me. While I do not understand God I know I. Am not suppose to understand why he does things still I am not mad or angry with God. I wish Joshua was still here and that God had not taken him, but there is no anger directed at God. But yes I am angry. I'm angry at people that should have been there for me people that everyone thought would be there but I have yet to hear form them. Even a week later I have heard nothing from them. So you maybe asking what kind of "friend" doesn't even leave you a message. Well apparently the kind I use to go to church with.

I have been apart of this church as a member for almost 4 years but have been attending for closer to 6 years. There were 3 people that commented that they were sorry for my loss. And 1 person that called me, but the person that called me I knew before going to the church I have known her for 8 years. So I don't count her as @"from the church". It's not like I was expecting them all to come over and sing to me but a text message, phone call, an unexpected meal, a flower at the service. Something to say hey we prayed for you. But nothing ever came. I thought it had the day if Joshua's service I missed a phone call from the church. I listened to the message and my heart filled with hate for everyone there. I defriended them all on Facebook and left the church groups on there too. So what could the message had said that would do that??simple. There was an older lady that died Monday. Her services were Wes. Night and then Thursday morning at the church. They called to see if I could bring food to the church Thursday for the family. I wanted to call them back and scream "what about me, what about Joshua" "what did you do for him" "was he not as important" but I didn't and I'm not going to. Maybe they are mad that I didn't use the church for services. But we don't have a preacher or anyone who could do a service. So I chose to use my sisters church and pastor who I have met 3 times and who came to the hospital to pray with me while I was in labor. No one came from my church to do anything.

I now count the people of my sisters church to be my home church and we will be moving my letter over there I don't want to be associated with anyone at the other church ever again.