Living with open eyes

I have come along way over the past year in where I am in my over all Faith that God really does know better than I do, the plans he has for my life. 

It's opened my eyes to a new world. A world I didn't even know existed. A world where you don't worry everyday because you know that God has this. There is nothing bigger than my God. 

That however is not the world I lived in before. It's strange how much a year really matters. How much a year can change someone. 

I think about where I was once. Living the way I did. Sure I went to church and sure I learned a lot. But things were the same. We still skipped Church on Joe Cain Sunday to go downtown, kids and beer in tow. Hey we weren't hurting anyone, we even parked in a church parking lot and set up our grill in the area next to us. Did the church still have service that day? Yup they did. I remember looking at the people going into that church thinking "why can they not take one Sunday off?"  Now that was a few years ago, not last year. 

But I understand now. 

It's not about Sunday. It's not about church. It's about a relationship with Jesus, and you don't take "brakes" in your relationship with him. 

I admit that when Joshua died I felt completely abandoned. By God, by people who were suppose to be my friends, by people who were suppose to be my brothers and sisters In Christ, and even by some family. I sometimes even felt like I wasn't worthy of their support. I have harbored pain, bitterness, depression, and Anxiety over simply not being good enough. 

I did not give myself enough time to work through that when my Girls died too. Felt less abandoned, by more alone. I had never been shown the love my Church family poured over me when I buried them. I could feel their prayers. Their repeated gifts of food. Their hugs and smiles and simple phone calls showed me that I was where I was meant to be. But in a crowded room I still felt alone. But not abandoned. 

I believe all things happen for the glory of God. I believe that I am where I am suppose to be. Serving where I am suppose to be serving. I however would not be here if I hadn't lost Joshua. If he was alive and well I could see us still going to church on Sundays and sometimes taking a brake from it to go grill in a church parking lot. I would never have needed my pastor to love me before he knew me. I would not have needed him to pray over me and my baby while I was in labor. I wouldn't have needed him to Pray with me at Joshua's service. I wouldn't have know the love through Christ that he has. 

As much as Joshua brought us into where to worship we still fought to actually move there. We drove 40 mins one way some Sundays. When we found out we were having twins is when I decided I needed to live closer to my mom and sisters. So we moved. 10 mins from the church we worship and serve at. 2 weeks later my girls died. 

My children had meaning. They had a mission from God. Joshua's mission was to show me the love of God through my pastor. Faith and Hope. Their mission was to move us closer to family and church. And in doing that it has moved us closer to God. 

What an amazing gift my children have given me. I'm so glad I can see It now. 

I see the way we use to live. I see the way we live now. And I am thankful for every change God has allowed to happen to us. 

I am in no way "over" the deaths of my children and I don't believe over is really something you ever do. I believe living with the pain and missing them gets easier but it's always there. I love them and will love them and miss them until my last breath. Then I will see them and will get to tell them Thank-you. For choosing me as you mother and thank you for helping me see what I needed to see and to look at the world with my eyes open. 

Day 4

I completed day 4 in the devotional today. It really is hard to do them. Today was about how others have reacted and how I would have liked them to react and how I would like for others to act now. I have to say its made me realize how few friends I really have, but at least I know who my real friends are.

I'm excited about next week my mom and I are cutting out and sewing our first Teeny Tears Diapers. I haven't heard back from Children's hospital yet but if I don't I'm going to stop by with a few sets and my contact information. Maybe once they have it infront of them they will be more wanting to talk to me. I have been told Mobile Infirmary will accept the diapers and I'm waiting to hear how many sets they need per year. I want to contact Springhill and Providence as well. But for my healing I need to do Mobile Infirmary first. I hope this project turns into great healing for me. I know it's only been 6 weeks and in grief time that is really a short time. But I feel so drawn to do this. The hardest part I believe will be the actual donating of the diapers. The going to the hospital and talking to people and dropping them off, knowing the pain the mothers will be in. I hope in some small way they help the families feel attached to their babies and see them as a whole person. I saw Joshua as a full person. But I've read where others didn't see their baby as complete, I hope this helps with that.

I have to think maybe that's what other people may have thought about Joshua. being that I was only 19 weeks medically what happened was either a miscarriage or a Termination. Any birth before 20 weeks is called a miscarriage, but because I was given medication to speed up delivery (already in unstoppable Labor) my hospital paper work said "induced Termination, pregnancy complicated by preterm rupture of membranes" (nice uh)

Anyway I sometime feel since I was not further along or since Joshua was not "viable" (another term I hate) or since he never came home that other people don't see him as a person. That other people don't see him as a baby that was born and died. That his life was not important and had no meaning. I guess that's why these diapers are so important to me. They will go to another baby with a card that has Joshua's name on it. I want everyone to understand that he was real. He was a person, he was my child, he had a name! Joshua was important he had meaning. I wanna scream that sometimes. My baby's life meant something!! This will give him a greater meaning, this will help others see him as a person.

31 days

I ordered a book last week called ...Grieving the child I never knew ...

I honestly didn't know if I'd read it I was in amazon ordering Haleigh a game for her Leaspster and if you order 25$ shipping is free I was at 20$ so I decided to look around. I found myself looking at grief books and finally decided on that one. But I honestly can't tell you why it was that one I picked. Probably because it was 10$.


I got it in the mail today. I knew what it was and I didn't open it right away but I knew I had to before the kids got home and started asking what was in the box. I just say it to the side at first. Didn't even crack the cover and though how dumb it was to order it and that I could probably send it back.

That book staired at me all day. I finally decided to ready the authors note in the front and see what it was at least made of. It surprised me that the book I had ordered was not to just read its a 31 day devotional for anyone grieving a child. So I decided to read this woman's story and then do day number 1 and let me tell you it's not easy.


I learned a lot in the first day already. About grief and about myself. I'm hiding and it's funny because Jason and I were just talking about this yesterday. I don't like people. I am nervous that someone will ask about what happened or about Joshua and if I'm not prepared I will brake down. I am fine if Im the one who brings it up and I do a lot because I love to talk about him. But I'm scared someone is not going to know and is going to ask. So to avoid that I hide. I hate going places and when I do go places I become panicked. Hence the shopping on amazon. So I need to work on that slowly but it needs to be worked on and tonight instead of making up a reason I couldn't go (because I had planned on not going) I went to a meeting and you know what nothing bad happened. No one asked and everyone treated me normally no odd looks. So slowly because the meeting was just 9 people but its a start. Another reason I like this book is because it Ties in the bible and God into your grief and healing. As far as I can tell its going to be a great help, at least I hope it will.