Empty Basket.... Empty Tomb

3 empty Baskets

We shopped today. I needed to get everyone their Easter clothes. It was a long day. Some of us just were not feeling it today. For me it was just hard, as most things are.

Holidays are difficult for me. I want to make memories with my children who are gone and in turn I am missing them with the children I still have. It's frustrating to say the least. I want Easter shopping to be fun. I want to enjoy it, but I don't. I try but it's just not there. 

The thought of not having 3 more baskets is heartbreaking. They would just at empty anyway. We thought of getting new flowers but the ones we put out a month ago are Easter colors, so we left them out instead. I thought of getting a stuff bunny but it would just get wet. I thought of getting plastic eggs, filling them with rocks and setting them out there, but again I think they would either blow away or get lost somehow. It is a very strange feeling. To have children that you carried and gave birth to, but don't take care of. No diapers, no feedings, no Easter basket, no Christmas gifts. Nothing... I carried them, I birthed them and then I had to give them back to God. Its final that's it. There is nothing more for me to do and that sucks! I want to take care of them and I don't know how not to.

So I shopped for my living children and I tried not to look at the too little clothing that was next to my big kids sizes. I bought 5 baskets and left the other 3 on the shelf empty. I will sleep through the night and wake Easter morning and not be late for Church. Because my work for them is done. There is nothing left for me to do for them.

1 empty Tomb

For me Being a Christian, comes by having a lot of Faith.
Faith that Jesus is Gods son.
Faith that Jesus died on the cross to save us from our sins.
And a set of Beliefs.
I believe that God did send his son to die for me.
I believe that Jesus died and rose again
I believe that he loves us and doesn't want to see us hurt.

The tomb is empty and Jesus is in Heaven sitting next to his Father.
And in his arms are my children. They are sitting there waiting on me. Waiting on God to tell Jesus that its time to bring all of his children home.

I cant imagine what it was like for God to send his son here and not save him from dying on the cross. I know I am not that strong. I did everything to save my children and would do it again if I went back. But that empty tomb and the cross reminds me I am not alone.

I use to think that God didn't give us more than we could handle. I now know that is wrong. Of course God gives us more than we can handle, and he also gave us Jesus to turn to, to give all of our fears and needs to. He gave us Jesus so that when we have more on us than we can handle we can trust that even though its too big for us, its never too big for Jesus.

Teeny Tears

My first donation in memory of all 3 of the babies. The blog post was posted today.

You can read it here. --> http://teenytears.blogspot.com/

Today

I got mail today. So much that the mail man came and knocked on the door. Now normal people can have someone knock on a door and its ok. Buy first if all I could see the mail man and was headed for the door. He smiled at me so I know he saw me. Then he knocked. That sent the dogs barking and to the door. I had to wrangle them into the bedroom to get the mail. It took a good 10 minutes.

Anyway 

I made a Shutterfly book. I got it free as a "congratulations on the birth of your new baby" gift, in an email. I filled it with pictures of Joshua, Faith, and Hope. It's a beautiful book. I'm glad I took the time to do that. Even though it was not easy to put together it helped me a little I think. 

I also got the baby books I ordered the girls. They are a little different from Joshua's. they have been updated a little to include some pomes and places to write about what we would like our babies to know about us. With that since they were from Amazon I also ordered the book "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" it's a good book so far. I am on chapter 2. It's already confirmed for me that I am not crazy and that I am grieving the right way for me because there is no wrong way. That was huge for me 

I also got wooded diaper patterns. So much better than the printed ones we have been using. I actually won them. And when I opened the package I smelled saw dust. That smell is the smell of my grandfather the smell of my childhood spend with him building things and cutting wood. He's with my babies and that was a sign from him. I know it was. 

For Kimberly and Baby Aaron

  These 20 diapers are going to Massena,NY

in memory Of Aaron Judah Fowler, who grew his angel wings on 4/11/09. At 20w2d that was the day before Easter.  His mother Kimberly has been a great help to me with my own grief. 

Diapers For Mothers Day.

These are the diapers I'm donating in Joshua's memory for Mother's Day. They are going to the women's center 6 to the Saraland center and 6 to the Mobile center. They don't have a lot of women who call when they have a loss but they do have some. And those babies deserve to have diapers too. And since I haven't been able to get into USA Children's hospital as of yet I know they will have baby's that don't have one.

Happy Mothers Day.

For Amber and Baby Liam.

When I first started making Teeny Tear Bereavement my goal was to donate to Mobile Infirmary in memory of Joshua and then stop. I had no idea what a project this would turn into. After the infirmary I've made a few other donations and one to Spring hill medical center here in Mobile. All of course in Joshua's memory. A few weeks ago I was overwhelmed with the thought of friends who have lost babies. Most to still births. My friend Amber was at the front of my mind.

Amber was pregnant with her son Liam when I was pregnant with Joshua. Liam was due today, April 27th, 2013. Sadly he was born still in November. Through her own grief Amber found a way to be there for me when I had Joshua a few weeks later in December. Joshua was due May 6th, 2013. She helped me and guided me more than anyone else. I hate she knows the pain I feel. And I know she's hurting today. So these diapers are going to West Virginia on Monday in memory of Liam Perra. Because a person is a person no matter how small.

New things.

Apart of my new normal life is the overwhelming need to focus on other moms who will sadly loose their babies in the future. Knowing how they will feel and wondering how I could help and thinking what could have helped me.

I know for people who I don't know personally that I will never be able to comfort them in person with visits. But I can provide them something I didn't have. Small diapers. Clothing. The thing that separates us from any other mammal. A small piece of clothing. The first thing most babies wear. A diaper.

So far I have donated 70 sets of diapers. 50 to hospitals in Mobile. The others were mailed to hospitals in other states. I have cut all the diapers. My mom has sewn them together. We've both turned and tied the pairs together and printed Teeny Tears inserts. I have started to Learn to sew so that I can also sew these diapers. I never had any interest before to sew. My mom is going to concentrate on sewing the matching blankets to go with the diapers. All babies have blankets. Angel babies should be no different. They should be wrapped in Love with a cute blanket. After I learn to sew diapers and get good at it and have my stash going. I am going to learn to sew Tiny Hats. All babies need hats on their heads. And I'm able and capable of providing these things for other families.

I hope even though these things will never take the pain of loosing a baby away that it will help the mothers have great memories of their babies in special diapers that fit and not hanging off of them. Wrapped in a blanket made from love. And a hat placed on their head just like all other newborns.

Mor diapers

Another local hospital will be receiving Teeny Tears Diapers and Joshua's Gift blankets this weekend.

Mobile infirmary was the first in Mobile to have these sweet diapers. And Spring-hill medical Center will be the second. I'm so excited for these hospitals for opening their hearts to this new idea for angle babies. I know their mothers will be grateful they said yes to these donations. Although it brakes my heart to think they will be all used in a year. 24 sets. 24 sweet angel babies.

Life

Life is hard. Life is unfair.

I went to church today. I love going. I feel good when I'm there. I have this overwhelming feeling that God is there and hearing me and liking what he sees there. Sometimes it's an overwhelming feeling of love being poured out of me to God.

I went to Sunday school this morning. First time at this church. The other times I was in a class called growth track. It's. new member class. I only went to half if them and since Jason is signed up for April we are going to restart the classes together.

So to Sunday school I went. I had a good time. I learned a couple things. It wasn't fake. But there were 2 three month old babies and I just wanted to run. I know if he would have been born healthy he wouldn't be 3 months old but I did have Joshua 3 months ago. It's so hard. I didn't expect any babies to be in my Sunday school class. So I will be going to a different one. I just can't handle seeing the smiling, cooing, happiness of these moms and babies, every Sunday. Luckily today both babies were girls.


We made our first in town, in personal donation of Teeny Tear diapers and our first ever donation of Joshua's Gift blankets. It went really well. I had rescheduled about 4 times and it was just to hard some days. But last Friday I was ready. As we were driving I didn't know if I'd be able to get out of the car, but I did and I decided to not think about I was going to labor and delivery but instead think as I was just going for a walk. When I got into the hospital I was thinking. I'm just finding an elevator. I was doing great until we were at the doors and I kinda froze. The manager was coming into the unit though and asked what we needed. All I said before the tears flowed was "a donation". She hugged me and took me back into the brake room. I was able to explain what the diapers were for and the blankets. They were so excited to get them. And I gave them my information to contact me when they need more and they are going to put it in the health magazine they put out 4 times a year. I was also asked to set up and man a table at the Baby Rest ceremony in October. To give diapers to the parents who didn't get one. It's a little overwhelming but also very exciting. All the area hospitals will be there so I'm hopeful that they hospitals will want these and will allow us to donate to them as well.

Teeny Diapers.

Here are some more finished diapers.

And some I cut out tonight.

Diapers!!!

My mom came over today with finished diapers. I pined them and goodness they are small. But I know the small would have fit Joshua. And the larger one would have fit Landon when he was born at 30 weeks. So I know there is a need and they will be used. Now I have to actually put Joshua's name card in them and take them to the hospital. It's scary to think about donating them. I am but sure how I will handle going. I think I will probably cry. Actually, I'm sure I will cry. But I know this will being happy tears to other mothers. I'm sad that Joshua doesn't have one. That he was buried with out one. But I also know he was wrapped in his monkey blanket so soft and warm.

We also cut out more boy diapers and blankets for both boys and girls!! I love doing this.

Diapers

I can't sew. I never learned. I took a class in high school and put together a pillow. A heart shaped one. I can replace a button and repair a seam by hand. But that's as far as my abilities go. I can however trace a pattern and cut flannel. So I asked my mom to do the sewing for now and I'm going to learn. But for now I'm tracing and cutting.

Today I cut out about 50 sets of diapers. They are pinned and waiting on mom to sew them together I am hoping to deliver them to Mobile Infirmary with in the month. I am also going to take a sample to the other hospitals here and see if they are interested in them. We are also going to take a sample to UAB when Haleigh goes back for her surgery. They have a huge NICU up there. I'm hoping USA NICU will want them too.

 I loved cutting them out today. I thought about Joshua and how small he was and how I wish I would have had the chance to dress him just once. It makes me sad that I wasn't able to. That there was nothing to put on him. And it makes me happy that I'm able to provide that for another baby and another family.

I didn't take any pictures today. I was so busy cutting. But I will have pictures of our finished diapers. I can't wait to see them.

Day 4

I completed day 4 in the devotional today. It really is hard to do them. Today was about how others have reacted and how I would have liked them to react and how I would like for others to act now. I have to say its made me realize how few friends I really have, but at least I know who my real friends are.

I'm excited about next week my mom and I are cutting out and sewing our first Teeny Tears Diapers. I haven't heard back from Children's hospital yet but if I don't I'm going to stop by with a few sets and my contact information. Maybe once they have it infront of them they will be more wanting to talk to me. I have been told Mobile Infirmary will accept the diapers and I'm waiting to hear how many sets they need per year. I want to contact Springhill and Providence as well. But for my healing I need to do Mobile Infirmary first. I hope this project turns into great healing for me. I know it's only been 6 weeks and in grief time that is really a short time. But I feel so drawn to do this. The hardest part I believe will be the actual donating of the diapers. The going to the hospital and talking to people and dropping them off, knowing the pain the mothers will be in. I hope in some small way they help the families feel attached to their babies and see them as a whole person. I saw Joshua as a full person. But I've read where others didn't see their baby as complete, I hope this helps with that.

I have to think maybe that's what other people may have thought about Joshua. being that I was only 19 weeks medically what happened was either a miscarriage or a Termination. Any birth before 20 weeks is called a miscarriage, but because I was given medication to speed up delivery (already in unstoppable Labor) my hospital paper work said "induced Termination, pregnancy complicated by preterm rupture of membranes" (nice uh)

Anyway I sometime feel since I was not further along or since Joshua was not "viable" (another term I hate) or since he never came home that other people don't see him as a person. That other people don't see him as a baby that was born and died. That his life was not important and had no meaning. I guess that's why these diapers are so important to me. They will go to another baby with a card that has Joshua's name on it. I want everyone to understand that he was real. He was a person, he was my child, he had a name! Joshua was important he had meaning. I wanna scream that sometimes. My baby's life meant something!! This will give him a greater meaning, this will help others see him as a person.

Meaning

As posted earlier. I am going to learn to sew Teeny Tears Diapers to donate to local hospitals to be used for their little born sleeping babies and those that pass away after birth. And some maybe asking why. Well that's simple, it means something. Maybe it's something that can't be explained. But imagine. You just have given birth to a beautiful sleeping baby. He's so small that there are no clothes to buy that will fit and no diaper because they just don't make diapers to fit a 10oz baby. So what is there to do. Simple the nurse wraps your baby in a small blanket and even though the blanket is nice and you will hold that blanket while you cry it's not the same as clothes for your child. And when you burry your child there are no clothes that will fit so you make sure to take the funeral home a blanket to wrap him in instead. It's sad. Clothes.... Everyone had clothes, but these tiny babies have no choice there is nothing to clothe them with, so we wrap them in blankets. That's the mission on Tiny Tears. To give each sleeping baby a diaper. Sounds easy enough right. I have learned the hardest part is actually getting in touch with the right people at the hospital. I am hoping I can help out with that locally since no local hospital has these diapers. I want so badly for other parents to have these. See they get 2. One goes on their baby. The other in their memory box to keep forever.

When I found out about Tiny Tears I was actually looking for blankets to make for sleeping babies. Something to show Joshua was here on earth and that he means something. That even while his life was very short that it could still mean something. In searching for different ideas I came across the pictures of these diapers and thought. Yes, I wish Joshua had one. So in reading more I realized I could make these diapers. The Tiny Tears would e mail me cards to go with them with Joshua's name on them and I could deliver them myself. It's exactly what I was looking for.

I have never sewed anything ever but everyone says these are so easy so I'm giving it my all. I will do this. It may take me longer than I want but I will get this going. I want to do something that has meaning to other parents who sadly will be exactly where I was and exactly where I am. I want then to have a diaper to put on their baby and to have him covered when he's buried not just wrapped.

This means something. This will mean something years from now. Joshua will help others heal, and maybe even help someone else make more diapers. I just hope that having something like this will at least make the parents smile even for just a moment and know that someone they never met loved their baby and cared about their feelings enough to make a diaper for their child.

Teeny Tears