Trust

Times are getting hard around here. I know my children are ok and in heaven. But we should be celebrating Joshua's first birthday. We are just a few weeks away from my due date with him and that means a week later marks a year since I found myself pregnant again with my girls. I don't have Joshua and I don't have my girls either. Sometimes that pisses me off so badly, sometimes it makes me really sad, and sometimes dare I say I am actually ok, because I know that Jesus is taking better care of them than I ever could.

Our pastor preached on trusting Jesus with every part of our lives. I struggle with that so much. I trusted and my baby died. I decided that God had so much more in store for me. I didn't let it go or move on but I felt like I had an understanding that I still needed to trust that everything would be ok. When I found out I was pregnant with twins I felt like that was Gods plan. His bigger plan for me that I couldn't see when Joshua died. Put that wasn't it. Hope's water broke and then Faith's and then they were born far too early to live. They were just as perfect as Joshua was. I couldn't Trust Him any more, I couldn't lose another child, I couldn't put my family through it again. I took matters into my own hands and made sure I wouldn't get pregnant again.

For my mental well being in all my humanness I did the right thing. But was it right in God's eyes? Was that the plan for my life? I didn't trust Him to make that choice for me. I didn't trust Him enough to carry me through another pregnancy or another loss.

I'm not the same person I was a year ago when the test was positive. I'm not the same person I was 8 months ago when my girls were born. Or 9 months ago when I decided to take things into my own hands. I have a better understanding of what trusting God in all areas of life looks like. It looks nothing like what I thought. There is less worry and less mess in my life.

I am everyday Thankful for the gift of life God entrusted me with when he gave me my 8 children. I kept them safe for as long as he has allowed, some of that time has been far shorter than I ever imagined. However I must trust that God knows better even still. That God is good all of the time. Even when I am hurting, even when I don't understand that he is still good All Of The Time.

I wanna see your face

Sometimes I just long to see their faces. I have dreams about who they may have been. What they may have looked like if Joshua was now a year old and the girls were 1 month old. I see dresses out for Easter and I see their faces in them. I see him toting around learning and exploring. I wonder still what their favorite things would be. Who their favorite person would have been. How we would have juggled it all. Where we would be. I know these what if questions are not to be answered and yet I can't help myself from thinking them. 

I look at their pictures when the images in my head get fuzzy. I need to know and remember exactly what they look like. I need the pictures on my wall to remind everyone they were real and were here alive on earth even if it was just a few short weeks inside me. They were here.  They were real. They had meaning and weight in this world. 

Family Ties

My due date with my girls has past. 01/17/14. It wasn't as bad as I thought it may be. I think that's because I would have never made it to that date. My girls would have been born at 36 weeks at the latest. So my due date was a date to go by for development but was never an actual goal or delivery date. Jason and I spent the day together. Paid some bulls. Had lunch. Talked a lot. We don't get the chance to talk just us much and Haleigh actually took a nap in the car so we were able to just talk a while. Having 5 kids and dealing with the loss of 3 more takes it's toll on the body and mind. It also takes it's toll on every relationship you have ever had or will have.

The relationship Jason and I had before baby loss entered our life is nothing like the relationship we have now. In a lot of ways we are better. We are stronger. But we have a lot more communication problems than we use to. I find myself not saying things that I need to say because I don't want to argue. Except sometimes it needs to be said. He doesn't want to hurt my feelings so he holds stuff in too. Then there are parts of us that just wanna be near each other and sometimes when I'm lying with his arms around me I feel our babies wrap their love around us. 

I wish I would have spent more time with my grandparents. You just don't realize when you are 14 years old how important your grandparents are. Now that I'm 31 I know and it's too late ( for most of them). My grandmother was resently in the hospital and now in a nursing home for long term care. She cries for her baby sometimes. I wonder if she had a baby loss that we don't know about. My (step) grandmother Henson had a picture on her wall of a baby girl, I was told it was her daughter. She died as an infant. I wish I could talk to her. My great grand mother miller lost a child at 5yrs old. I wish I could talk to her. My grand mother Walker lost her 5 children in a divorce. She wasn't able to see her kids for years. I never understood these women's heart ach until now. My family and I didn't understand. I didn't lose my children until after these women had passed away or have not the ability to share their stories with me. How I wish I had them by me. But I know they are watching my children in heaven. Taking turns rocking them. 

My mother never lost a child. However she has lost 3 grandchildren. I don't have any grandchildren so I can't say for sure how a grandmother feels. But I imagine that the love you have for your grandchild is as close as it comes to the love you have for your child. I know it's hurt her watching me hurt. I know she would do anything to give me my babies back. She and my dad help me take care of the grave where my children rest. They helped me plan their funerals. They helped me raise money to buy headstones. They are taking care of their grandchildren in heaven the only way they can. Just as I try and take care of them the only way I know how. 

I wish I could say that since their due date has passed that I think about Faith and Hope less but the truth is I think of them more. And I miss them. 

He qualified me

Things are changing for me. My grief is changing from self despair to action and making a diffrance. I got to this point much sooner after Joshua. I made bereavement diapers and donated them all over. After I lost the girls I just wanted to scream and be alone and be mad and sad. I didn't want to help anyone. I simply didn't care.

A few days ago a friend called. She was going to be induced. I was torn. I knew she would labor and deliver by herself. But I couldn't bring myself to go help her through her labor. I wasn't ready for that. I thought about her all night and called her the next day. God blessed her with a short labor. And a healthy baby girl. But she was still alone. No one would be visiting her. Her husband is watching the other young children and hasn't a car.  No family in the area and few friends. It was me or no one. God I prayed to forget. I prayed for her not to need me. I prayed for this not to be what God wanted me to do. I wanted to not care... But I did care and God was telling me to go. 

I went to the store quickly picked up the first pink blanket I saw, a 3 pack of bottles and a newborn pack of diapers. I drove to the same hospital I delivered my sweet babies at walked up to the labor and delivery floor and willed her not to be in any room I had been in. Luckly she had been moved to post delivery and was not in any room or hall I was on. 

The baby was in the nursery. It was shift change. We talked for about 20 minutes and incomes the baby. I froze. She asked if I wanted to hold her. Then quickly said I didn't have to. I took the baby and cried. She cried and I smiled at the sleeping baby girl in my arms and things changed. I sat and staired at her. I fed her a bottle. I changed her diaper and clothes. I snuggled with her. Then I handed her back to her mother. 

I changed. 

I realized I want to be there for mothers. I want to share in their joy when the baby is healthy and I want to help guide them through their pain of stillbirth and miscarriage. But I don't want to be a nurse. As wonderful as my nurses were when their shift ended they went home. They were paid and while they did their job and I will forever remember how wonderful they were. When they left I still needed them. I didn't want to bond with a new nurse. I wanted the one I had all day. That's where a bereavement doula comes in. They help families bond say hello and say goodby to their babies. That's what I want to do. I want to let them know they are not alone and that  they will live through this. I also want to be trained by now I lay me down to sleep so that I can not only support them but take beautiful pictures for them. Help them arrange a service and attend a support group. All free. Donated services for parents who are hurting. Being a trained doula I would also attend "happy births" for a fee. These would allow me to do the others for free. 

I'm not ready to begin my training yet. I'm just starting out getting my books together. Getting my mind ready. However God has put this in me to do this and honestly I Am so confused at why he would choose me. I'm a mess sometimes.

How did we get so many?

I got asked today why I decided to have "so many" children. This person only sees I have 5. They have no idea that I actually have 8 and have been pregnant many more times.

I answered with a simple. I love kids and it's true. I love my kids. But how did we get to "so many"? Well......  I wouldn't change things. I would have liked to finish high school before my first was born but God knew the timing of her birth was perfect. After she was born I decided I wanted just her. She would be my only child. Then Jason and I decided we were going to make it work and get married. I was lazy with my pills and became pregnant. A few short weeks later I miscarried that child. I knew then that I wanted at least one more child. So even though we're not married yet we didn't prevent and I became pregnant again and had a healthy boy. I was told this was the perfect family. One boy one girl. I could be "done" everyone said. I wasn't so sure. But I knew I needed a brake so I took those pills every days at the same time. 2 years later we decided we wanted a third child. We were told we were crazy. I knew we were. That pregnancy ended at 12 weeks when we couldn't find a heartbeat. A month later I was pregnant again we knew we wanted to try again right away and we did. We had another boy. After he was born and made it through the nicu I felt a since of calm. I felt completed. I thought. "This is what being done must feel like"  when he was a year old I had yet another miscarriage. Jason scheduled a V but because of some other medical concerns was unable to get it done. I took my pills at the same exact time each and every day. I was in the type that you take for 12 weeks and then week 13 you have your period. Week 13 came and nothing. Week 14 nothing Week 15 I took a test. It was positive. I went to the dr got an ultrasound and was 11 weeks pregnant. I was less than thrilled. We were done. We were not planning another kid. But I loved him. I didn't know how but we'd manage with 4. And so another bot was born. I thought when he came home " I could do this a few more times." I never went in any pills and before he was two I was pregnant with a little girl. She was born with some Heath concerns and I needed a brake. So I counted days. When she was a year old I found out I was expecting and to my surprise I was excited. A week later I was crushed I had lost the baby. I was very early. I went in to have some positive test and then heavy periods. My dr warned me I may never be able to carry another baby past 4-6 weeks. Then in August 2012 almost 4 years since having my last baby. I was pregnant and stayed that way. We were expecting another boy and while not many in my life understood I was on top of the world. There was nothing I wanted more than to have him. And I did. Way too early we named him Joshua and he died. I declared I would never never have another child. That was it. I would die if I had to burry another child. Then Something made me think. Did I want to end on such a sad note? Before I could answer I was pregnant. Scared doesn't ever begin to cover my feelings. I just wanted the baby to live. I went to see my OB. Twin he said. Oh boy! But no 2 Girls instead! I was finally getting excited when they too left for heaven. I knew then that I would live through burring anothe two children. I had no choice I had 5 kids at home waiting on me. I had to live. I have to live. I realized that if I had not had them at home I may have died. I may not have taken care of me and simply gave up. But that wasn't a choice for me. But I also knew I could not keep having kids too early for life. It was to me, to Jason , to our living breathing children, to our moms and dads. To our sisters. It just wasn't fair. So I did something I said I would never do and had a tubal. I don't regret getting it done, but I said it before and I will say it again. I'm said that I can't have any more children. However that is not cause buy the tubal but by my weak paper thin cervix instead. 

So that's how I got here. That's how we have so very many, much loved, happy, active, caring, loving children.

Dreams

I've written a lot about sleep. Or the lack of, well it seems like I have anyway.

I don't sleep a lot. When I do I dream a lot. I hate my dreams. They are wonderful dreams until I wake up and find myself back in hell and that my dreams were just that a dream. 

Last night my dog could have died. If I had went ahead with the plans that I had earlier that day. She would have died. I wouldn't have been there to beat 2 pit bulls off of her. (I am not against all out bulls, or bulls my dog is a Boxer). I need a new mop now by the way I broke the Handel of mine on one of the hits. They finally let go growled and barked at me. I had a moment of fear and then hit the dog again. I was not going to be attacked In my own back yard from a dog that dug under my fence. No no that was not happening. I got pissed. And then remembered my fur baby had limped into the house. I kept an eye on the dogs and backed into the house. I wasn't alone my sister and oldest son was with me. 

I went into the house to find my dog layed against the door way to the bedroom. I could see blood so I ran and got a towel from the bathroom. Her front paw was dripping and I covered it with the towel I was shaking and when I saw how much blood there was I cried. I just knew she was going to die right there on the floor. She wouldn't walk so I could get a better look. So we called the vet who gave us the number to the ped ER. 3hrs, 1 pain shot and 136$ later we left there with out dog headed to Jason's sisters house. She is a vet nurse and we wanted her to give it to us real. We felt like the ER was not being real with us. Demanded 610$ that night and then another 600 Monday. Jason's sister said it was because they are an ER. We got trixie to them at 1245 and Jason and his sister took her to the clinic. 30 mins later they came back to the house. She had called the main vet and then have trixie some better pain meds, Antibiotics and an IV. She said she expected worse, but couldn't tell us how bad it was. She was still dripping blood. 

I had no choice but to sleep it was 230am. I was slowly creeping on 24 hrs of being awake. The coffee was almost gone. I was sleepy and didn't even need a sleep aid. I feel right to sleep. However my dreams were anything but sweet. They were filled with me trying to keep everything alive. My babies. Pets. Flowers. Everything I touched eventually died. I was glad to wake up from that dream. 

Waking up we were told that Trixie was not as bad as we had thought. She was really beat up, but they are pretty sure she's going to be ok. As long as there is no infection that sets up in her then there is no reason she shouldn't make a full recovery. The biggest thing working against her right now is her age. She's over 10 years old. That's right we have had her longer than 2 of our kids and one was a month old when we got her. I sighed with relief. Maybe everything I touch doesn't die. Or at least not today.  

Tonight though I thought I was going to go to sleep and I did for a minute or two. Maybe it was an hour. Then I was in the back yard and pregnant and the dogs were coming through the fence and my dog was there ready to defend me and my unborn children. I woke up because Haleigh needed more fever reducer. But I didn't want to finish that dream anyway. Some dreams aren't worth the ending. 

Cold

The weather is cold this week. Living in the Deep South we don't fall below 32* much but this week we will every night and it's not warming much during the day either. At least there was a lot of sunshine today. We haven't seen sunshine in over a week. I don't mind the cold, but I need the sun.

I think the lack of sunlight is making my depression worse. I don't want to go up on my depression medication, so I was so thankful that is was bright today. I opened the door and shades and let it shine in. My mood was better today. I didn't feel like I needed to sleep half the day. I didn't feel the need to nap or to just sit either. I've been worried through the holiday that I may be needing an extra medication or to up what I'm on, but I have hopes that I won't if the sun will keep shining. 

My kids have been out if school for two week. They go back on Monday. I'm going to miss them. I don't really get that parents are so ready for them to get back to school. I love it when they are home with me. The first few days are a transition after that it's great. I love having them all In one spot so I can see that they are all there and ok. I know my 3 little ones are ok Jesus has them.  

Judged

Do you ever feel judged?

I do sometimes. A lot actually. When people I don't know very well find out I have 3 children who died. I can see they are thinking "what did she do?" And when they find out it was at birth. I see the looks and questions of "what kind of drugs was she taking?"  If only it were that easy right. When people find out that I was on paper "induced" with Joshua, I wonder if they think I didn't try hard enough. I feel sometimes I tried harder with the girls. For the simple fact that I made it almost a week after Hopes water broke before having her and Faith. And with Joshua I only made it 2 days. When actually I didn't do anything different. I made no choices. I let what was to be to be. I followed the advice of my OB and tried to hang on to the lives that were growing inside of me. 

The fact of the matter is that It probably wouldn't make a difference no matter what I did. When your water brakes before viability (23ish weeks) your chances of taking home a baby are less than 1%. Yes there it is as soon as my water broke I had less than a 1% chance of ever bringing home my baby. I understand why some women give up and induce immediately. I don't judge them. It's physically and mentally draining to continue a pregnancy when you know that your baby has a 99% chance of dying no matter how far you carry him. Even if you somehow make it to 34 weeks your baby still has a 1% chance of life outside the womb. I decided that 1% was enough of a chance to fight for so I did. I fought and I lost. 

I think now though that maybe God did know what he was doing not letting me get further than I did. Sometime I have questioned why he couldn't give me just another few days of pregnancy so that Joshua would be seen as a stillbirth and not a miscarriage in the eyes of the state. At 20 weeks in Alabama you can get a Certificate of Birth resulting in a Stillbirth from vital records. At 19.4 weeks you get nothing from the state reconizeing you baby lived. The girls were 17.2 so they got didn't get anything either. I have questioned why I couldn't carry them longer to feel them move more. To know them more. However I can see how he knew that I needed to let go sooner rather than later because if a 1% chance of surviving the pregnancy was enough then a 1% chance of living outside the womb was going to be enough as well. 

I wonder if I had made it to viability how far I would have pushed to keep them alive. 

Since having the girls I have remembered a baby that was in the nicu with Landon. I remember that when Landon was so weak and small that this other baby had a mobile over his crib. I remember the nurses playing music and videos for him. I remember this baby sitting in the swing and I remember his parent called 3 times a day to check on him and visited on Sundays. I remember one Sunday I was visiting Landon and his mother was there. The nurses were telling the mother the drs were thinking of sending him home soon and wanted her to come stay overnight to do total care for him the next weekend. She answered with she would have to talk with his father but thought they could both be there the next Saturday. When they were done she asked me how Landon was doing. I told her good despite being born at 31 weeks he was doing well. I asked about her baby and she told me that he was born at 35 weeks. Her water broke at 18 weeks and he was still on O2 I asked how old he was and was shocked to find out he was turning a year that week! Yes the baby had spent a whole year in the nicu. He did go home the next weekend. I told the mom good luck. She said the same to me. She was being sent home with what I would call a home nicu. The monitors and O2 were all going with that baby. My guess is they trained the mother to care for him at home because he was stable. I wonder now of that baby is now 8 years old and doing well. If he made it. I wonder why I didn't remember that mother when I was laying there trying to hang on. If I had would I have chosen differently? Honestly I don't know. I know I told my OB that the choice oft children living and dying couldn't be mine. That it wasn't up to me. I still believe that, of course. But I think I understand now more than I did before why God said no after my water broke. Why he took them when he did. I still don't understand why my water had to brake in the first place though. 

 I know not all Pprom babies spend a year in the nicu. There is that .5% that are healthy and normal and have no problems from having no fluid. And I'm glad they are thriving. But it's just not the way it turns out for most families. And not wanting you baby to spend his whole life on O2 in the hospital is not a bad thing. I wouldn't want that for my children. 

Days you don't forget part 1 : the day before.

Disclaimer - Most everyone who reads my blogs knows I have older living children. Some may not know that I have 5 older living children. This blog post will have stories about them and their births and  first birthdays. As a baby loss mom I know how hard it is to read about children who are the age your child should be. So I wanted to put that out there incase anyone wants to not read this post. That is by the way 100 % ok with me. 

The Day Before..... 

I remember all the "day before" all my children were born. For Madalyn it was a Tuesday and I had decided I would probably be pregnant forever since I was now 7 days past my due date. I went to bed crampy. She was born at 5:15pm the next day. 

For Collin I slept the whole day. I couldn't help it. I simply could not stay awake. I thought my iron was probably way low. I was having contractions but I had been in and out of labor for a month. I was not going back to the hospital. And since I was 4 weeks until my due date I felt I had a lot of time left. He was born at 3:38pm the next day. 

Aden was a little different. I knew I was in labor. I called the dr they were closed the on call told me I needed to rest with my feet up. Told me that if I came to the hospital he would tell them to give me a sleeping pill and send me home. I would not be monitored or checked. I was only just 33 weeks. I was told I needed to calm myself. I didn't eat. I tried to sleep. I tossed and turned and was in pain. He was born at 4:45pm the next day. 

With Landon I felt great the day before. I was on modified bed rest. I was 31 weeks. I was big but not huge. I would lay and feel him twist all day. There were no signs of labor until the next day. Everything happened really fast with him. He was born the next day at 1:26pm. By C-section. My only section. 

With Haleigh. I spent the night before her birth in the hospital In labor and delivery. I had been there Thursday through Saturday and went back Sunday night. I was In so much pain. Contracting, I was 34 weeks and trying to make it to 36. It didn't happen but she was healthy none the less and born at 2:58pm that Monday afternoon. 

With Joshua I expected the same. Pain the day before. Go in have a baby. Pray I can get 30+ weeks. Pray for no nicu time. I never thought I needed to pray for him to just live. However the day before he was born I did just that. I prayed and prayed. I knew there was a pretty slim chance he would survive. My water had broken the night before. I was on complete bed rest. I couldn't even get up to pee. All I could do was lay there and pray. The next day he was born. Some Say my prayers were unanswered. I say that God simply said no. I don't know why he said no but that was his answer. It's hard to accept, but he has a plan and for whatever reason this was apart of it. And saving Joshua was not. It makes me very sad. 

The day before Faith and Hope was born I was on complete bed rest at home but with bathroom rights this time. That night I had a bad backache and couldn't sleep. I sent Jason to work any way that morning. I regret that because if it he missed their births. I prayed they would make it. They way their brother didn't. I prayed for it to not happen again. It did. Again God said no. Again I don't know why. But they were born that next day. 

So that brings us to today. 12/12/13. A lot of people thought the world would end on 12/12/12. And for me in a way it did. Today a year ago I laid in the bed and prayed and prayed for God to show me what to do. Do I try and hang on for weeks more? Do I take the induction I was offered? Do I go home? Do I stay in the hospital? Even if I made it to viability would he make it with no fluid? I was so scared to make the wrong choice that I made no choice at all until it came to possibly losing my life as well and Johua was still too young to have a chance. I tell you if he would Have been in any way closer to viable I would have let myself get sicker to protect him. To give him that chance at life. But that's not how it went. I laboured and delivered my son knowing he would die. There was nothing I could to about it. 

Tomorrow he will turn one. There are find many ideas for parties now days. With my older ones there was not. It had just started when Haleigh was getting 2-3 years old. But there is not going to be a party. I know some people throw parties for their babies. They ask for money to be donated to a charity in the baby's name instead of gifts. But I tell you I can not not not do that. I can't see the name on a cake he will never smash. I can't sing to a child he will not hear my voice who is no longer here. I can not decorate for him. It's not fair to me or anyone else to pretend it's a happy day. It's not. I've lived a year with out my son and it SUCKS. I will not pretend to have a good day. 

I have however thought about what I would have likes him to have as his first party. And I do believe this is what I would have wanted for him. 

Cute right?!? 

I bet they get read Dr. Seuss in heaven 

A beautiful disaster

Losing Joshua was and still is the hardest thing I have ever been experienced. It was cruel. Everything was going just as it should. I was having no problems. We had found out it was a boy. We started planning. Picking a name. Everything that we had done after the first 13 weeks with our other children. Things were perfect. We were going to have 6 beautiful children. 4 boys and 2 girl. We had just gotten back from Disney World and we were starting to decorate for Christmas. I don't think there had been a time when we were so happy. It had been a while since everything went right for us. And this was it.  Pregnant and happy with our last child. Then disaster struck. Out of the blue. From no where our whole lives came crushing down on us. My water broke. That one moment realizing that no I was no peeing was the scariest moment of my life. I think I knew that he would not make it at that moment I sat on my bed towel between my legs and cried. I called for Jason and then we headed for the hospital. I was sent to another hospital where my dr was and by morning it was confirmed that my water was broken. I was put on meds and given the option to terminate the pregnancy. I was heart broken. I could not give up on my baby. I wanted to give him life. I never got the chance. The choice to carry him to term and give him a chance was taken when my health was at stake. I had to think of my 5 other children and there mother, I couldn't leave them motherless. I had to deliver my baby boy knowing he would not survive birth. My heart was crushed, there was nothing I could do. I never wanted to let him go. I fell into a deep dark hole and had no intention of climbing out of it ever. I acted a good show in front of people but I was dying inside.

Then there was a light. Then two lights. Twin girls. 

I think from the beginning I tried to guard my heart from loving them. It didn't work. I loved them from the moment the line on the stick showed pink. There is no love like the love a mother has for her children. I didn't believe that I would make it to 13 weeks. I did. After that people told me to not worry. That God wouldn't take 2 more children from us. That having two was Gods way of giving me Joshua back what was taken from me. To believe and it will be. To pray and I will be given two beautiful girls. To think good thoughts and good things will follow. They were all lies. Everyone of them lies.

 It was different though I denied what would happen. I put off going in until the morning after. Didn't wake Jason, because well I could have just peed. I mean I was pregnant with twins after all. 

When my dr told me he was admitting me and it was probably not going to be a good outcome. I simply said ok. I thought to myself. I will not give up. I will fight for these children's lives.  And I did. I was offered a termination again. I have learned that is standard and they must offer it to you when the baby is not yet viable. I said no thank you. I believed I would make it. That my babies would be miracles. But a part of me knew. I stopped looking a twin things I would need. I deleted my wish list. I was mentally preparing for what I knew was to come. But still I laid on bed rest and prayed. It was however not meant to be, I think the week between my water braking and labor helped me process what was about to happen and it softened the blow and with that my beautiful happy life had turned into one disaster after another. 

I didn't know how to comfort my children about their brother and sister dying. I didn't know how to not lay in the couch and cry. I didn't know how to live any more. I didn't want to kill myself, but I wished to die. To stop hurting. To stop being so angry. To have happiness back. To really laugh. To stop crying. To be the kind of mother I once was. 

I believe my girls helped me heal. As crazy as that seems I know I did not truly begin to heal from Joshua's death until I lost the girls too. It's terrible to say. I know. I am greatful though. I may have never gotten the help I needed for my depression if I had not lost the girls. It makes me sad that I had to lose them to heal. 

I loved all three of them so deeply. As deep as for my living children. I love to talk about all three of them. I miss them and speak their names often. 

There is a hole in my heart in my life that will never be filled, but at least now I can sit and look at their pictures and smile at the memories of the few hours I got to hold them in this life. I smile at the memories of them kicking inside me of them rolling around on the ultrasounds. I have very few memories with them, but all of them are good ones. I wish I had more. I wish I was given more time in this life with them. But I know the years I spend without them will be shorter than the eternity I will spend with them. 

Infertility

I've never thought much about infertility. Because if there is one thing I have always been it's fertile. Until now that is. And I have a new understanding for women who struggle to make their families. Not just women who are having trouble having their first baby, but also women who are struggling to add to their families and women like me who's baby having days were cut short and ended badly.

My sister is getting things ready to adopt a child. She will become a mother when that happens for the first time. I'm proud of her. Taking that step. There are more invasive things she could have done to birth a child, but instead they made the choice to adopt. I'm not sure I would have the strength to adopt a child. But she does. I'm so excited for them. They are going to make great parents. 

I'm a bit sacred as well. The chances are that the next baby I hold will be my sisters baby. I don't even know when the baby maybe coming and I already think of him or her as my niece or nephew. But it's going to be hard. I will probably have some anxiety buying her gifts. I will probably cry when I hold her. But hey I cried when I held my other 2 sisters children too. I know I will hurt some. But I also think it will be healing. How selfish is that. I mean I just said "yay my sister is adopting a baby, it's going to help me heal" and yeah it's selfish to think that way, however I believe it's true. At the moment I can't look at any baby under a year a not think of my own. I can't celebrate that new life. I want to be able to and I think God has put this in my path to help me heal. 

Do I think God made my sister wait this long to help me heal? No, no I don't. In the bigger picture there is so much more. But I believe God knows all and his timing for everything is perfect. Even though our timing almost never matches his. I think he will use this to help me. Not only to help me celebrate life and hopefully let go of some anger, but to also come to terms with being infertile. Even though there is peace in the choice I made there is still hurt that goes along with that choice and sadness. I'm Angry that it's a choice i even had to make in the first place. 

So I may not understand what it's like to never be a mom and want to. I may never understand what it's like to become a mom through adoption. But I do know what it's like to not be able to have what you want.. A child. Even if it's "another child".

Visions

When you were small, do you remember what you visioned your life to be like when you were big? Is that how your life turned out?

I can say my life is nothing like I visioned it would be when I was small. I wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to help sick kids. It didn't matter what kind of sickness they had, I just wanted to help them get better, and in my small eyes that is what doctors did. I also knew I wanted to be a mother. From a very young age I wanted to be a mother, and I wanted a house full of children.

I never imagined that 5 kids would seem like a small amount, I never thought 5 kids wouldn't be a house full. We had actually decided that 3 was full, then came Landon and then we knew we weren't ready to be done, then came Haleigh and we weren't sure. I felt for a long time that we were full with the 5 that we have, but as they grow older I realized that 5 is not a large number of children. It may have been when they were all 10 and under, but now that Maddie is 15 and Haleigh is creeping up on 5 years old. The house seems quieter. Seems bigger, their stuff doesn't take up near as much room as it use to. And I miss them being little. I was prepared to have another baby and then my heart was crushed. I was then preparing to have twins. Mentally it was taking a while and when it sat in I was just starting to look at matching carseats. When I was crushed again.

My Vision of the life I had planned never showed up, but I've always thought I had something better, that my life had turned out the way it was always meant to turn out and even if I never got to save sick kids, at least I get to help my own stay healthy.  I was giving my children life and that was enough. Until now, I just don't see how this is better. This is not what I wanted ever. I never wanted to have babies that were not savable, Babies that would never have a chance at life. I never envisioned that I would hold babies that had died, that I would burry them only a few days after their births. I never imagined I would be so unhappy all of the time.

This is not how my life was suppose to be, it wasn't suppose to turn out this way.

A Month

I can't believe it's been a month since my water with Hope started to leak. August 5th, around 11 pm. I of course called the on call OB, but I couldn't really tell what was going on. The leak was so slow, the only reason it wasn't more was because Faith was blocking the water from leaking out. I was admitted into the hospital the next afternoon. That was a month ago. That week I spend wondering if my girls would make it was so long. Yet the month since has went by so fast. I would be coming up on Viability now, and I would be getting ready to go into the hospital, praying they would be ok. Instead I'm trying to find a way to be ok. I'm trying to find a way to cope. Trying to hold my life together, to not let anything else fall apart. I am trying, although sometimes it feels like I am failing. My children worry about things they shouldn't... Like "is mom ok" and "is mom in a good mood today"..... Mom should always be ok, and always in a good mood. I wish they were too young to remember what we are going through right now, but they are all old enough that they won't forget this.

Somethings are Normal......

Or they are at least the way they use to be...... The same....

When I was pregnant with the girls, back in July my middle son Aden went to church camp. It was the first time he had be to sleep a-way camp. He really enjoyed himself. He was able to do so much. At the time all I could think was "oh how nice of a brake, I'm getting. I also had my oldest son Collin and my youngest son Landon at Jason's moms house, so it was just me and my girls.... All 4 of them. 

When Aden got home we talked and he told me he was saved at camp. I was so happy to hear him say that. He said that he learned what saved really meant. He was able to tell me in his 9 year old words what that meant for him. He then got excited and said he was going to be baptized soon. My oldest 2 children were baptized a few years ago. Collin was 10 and Madalyn was 13. Aden will be just shy of 10 years old. It makes me feel proud of my children when they make the choice to follow Jesus. I had briefly spoken to our pastor at the end of July about his baptism. I was suppose to call and set it up. The week after that we moved.( Incase your wondering, I wasn't allowed to really help, I sat and packed that is all. there was not "moving" for me.) The week after we moved my water broke. We decided to wait until the girls were born to do the baptism, I wanted to be there for him. I told everyone it would probably be the beginning of next year before we would do it. The week after that the girls were born. So again things changed and went back to the way they were. Aden will be baptized this Sunday morning. 

I keep thinking just 2 more, I have 2 more children who are still under the age to understand and be  baptized. (we are baptist, so no baptism until they know why they are doing what they are doing). I teach my children about God and Jesus. But the choice to follow is up to them. My biggest life fear is that one (or some) of them wont believe and will not be apart of my eternal family in heaven. I have 3 children there already waiting on me on us to get there. I want us all to be together. I want my family to be whole. I feel like there are children missing from me. I look around I count and I get confused, I am sure someone is missing. I get told "we are all here" I look and think thats it? No, someone is missing. I of course just say, yeah I know. But in my heart someone is missing. They will always be missing. Until We all get to heaven. Then my family will all be together. Whole, we will all be whole together. 

So while somethings, may go back to how they were.... Baptism coming up.... Sitting on the same pew we always have.... Football, Baseball, Softball, Band..... Life.. It goes on, it doesn't stop just because I'm hurting. Some things are changing and will never be the same....My live children are growing, things are changing. They are physically changing, Growing in Christ, helping me save my Faith. Helping me not fall, holding me up. 

The understanding of Children.

When I found out I was pregnant again, I didn't want to tell my children. They were heart broken when Joshua died and I didn't want to put them through it again. So we waited. My oldest daughter Madalyn found my ultrasound pictures not long after I found out there were two. I was 8 weeks. We told family at 10 and the rest of the kids at 13 weeks. We told them because they asked and I didn't want to lie to them. They were so excited. We also told them we were pretty sure they were girls. The boys didn't say much. They asked some questions. But Haleigh our youngest was so excited. She wanted those baby girls. She came up with a plan. I was going to feed one she was going to feed one, Madalyn would rock them to sleep and daddy would change all the diapers. She asked me to please not get the babies out until they were big enough to come home with us. She asked me to please not let them go to heaven. She's asked why a lot in the past few weeks. My answer is I don't know but that when we get to heaven we can ask Jesus.

Last night we went to a football game where my oldest son plays in the band. You would have thought it was baby night. There were babies everywhere. Haleigh asked me why other people got to have babies and outs had to go to heaven. I told her I don't know. She said she was sad. I told her it is ok to be sad. And to cry. She then asked who was feeding them and changing their diapers. I told her that her Grammy and Paw Paws were that are in heaven. She then asked if when we get to heaven if we can still feed them, and play with them, "because mommy I just want to play with my baby sisters and Joshua too" oh that made my heart hurt for her. She's only 4, she just wants her babies. The ones she was expecting to be born and come home. She's sad we will never have a baby at our house for her to feed and play with. I told her I was sorry and that I sad too. She told me that I will get to rock them in heaven. Just incase your wondering yes we were at the high school football game at the time, I'm sure people thought I was crazy sitting there with my child's head on my shoulder both of us whispering and crying. I wish we would have been anywhere else at that moment. But that's where she realized that other people had babies and  ours are in heaven and that that's not fair. 

I know she doesn't understand everything exactly. I hope one day she does. I hope my kids aren't scared to have their own children. I hope my daughters can and will enjoy their pregnancies without fear. I hope my sons will enjoy their wives being pregnant as much as their dad did.  

Days of the weeks

Monday- I don't like Mondays. My water with hope started to leak on Monday night August 5th.

Tuesday- I don't like Tuesdays. My water with Joshua broke on Tuesday night December 11th. It was confirmed my water was leaking with Hope and I was dilated some on Tuesday morning August 6th. We had Joshua's service on Tuesday December 18th. I came home with empty arms after having Faith and Hope on Tuesday August 13th. 

Wednesday- I don't like Wednesdays. I was given no hope for Joshua on Wednesday December 12th. I was given slim changes for Hope on Wednesday August 7th. We Had Hope and Faiths service on Wednesday August 14th. 

Thursday- I don't like Thursdays. I had Joshua on Thursday December 13th. 

Friday- I don't like Fridays. I came home with empty arms with out Joshua on Friday December 14th. I left the hospital still pregnant wit the Faith and Hope on Friday August 9th. 

Saturday- hmmm...... Saturday seems ok

Sunday- I don't like Sundays. Faiths water broke and I had Faith and Hope on Sunday August 11th. 

So can every day be Saturday?? And can we skip all Tuesdays. Tuesdays really suck!!

A little understanding

That's what I wish I had a little understanding. I have none.

I don't know why God has planned my life the way he did. I do know that my life was laid out before I was born and that everything that has happened was in his plan. I don't understand what I am suppose to do with the life he's given me. Right now I see my life as a mess and dead end, I don't pretend I know what I'm suppose to be doing or what in the world "free will" has to do with anything if God had my life planned then I can make no mistakes. But I still have choices. Whatever I chose is right. But somethings feel wrong anyway. 

When I was pregnant with Joshua, maybe I was suppose to try harder. Maybe despite my bleeding I was suppose to ask for more labor stopping drugs. Maybe I was suppose to do nothing instead of speeding up labor, maybe the bleeding would have stopped along wit my labor. I don't know, I listened to my drs warring of my death and I took drugs to hurry labor along. 

Maybe I should have gotten a 4th opinion on putting a stitch in my cervix with the girls. The whole time I felt I had a cervical issue. And that Joshua birth was not a fluke. I was right. Maybe I should have pushed harder. Maybe I should have demanded to stay in the hospital after I had been there 4 days with no change. I stayed in be just as I did in the hospital. I didn't do anything different, but maybe the ride home was too stressful. Maybe being home was too stressful. Maybe I should not have taken the suppository that morning. Maybe......maybe......maybe ......

There is no end to it. Now there is more choices to be made. Do I continue to let God plan out family size or do I stop my self. I got a Depo shot in the hospital after asking for my tubes to be tied and them not being able to after the amount of blood I loss during my D&C. I decided on Depo and tubal ASAP. Is that in Gods plan. I had thought I would never get them tied. I also never thought I would burry 3 children in 8 months. I know I can't keep burring children. At the rate I'm going soon I will have more angle babies than live children.  

I realized yesterday I have 8 children. 4 boys and 4 girls. That seems perfect to me. Even all the way around. I think I'm going to keep it that way. I really hope God agrees with me on that.    

Where to write

I'm having a hard time knowing where to post my blog now. I started one for my girls that was suppose to be about new beginnings. And well it feels wrong to post my grief there. I know the address to this blog is Joshua's name but this blog is about my grief and since I'm starting over with my journey to finding some kind of happiness I've thought about starting a complete different one but ya know what that just takes a lot of work and time and I don't have it in me. So I've decided to post it here. If one day I come out of this in some kind of happiness Maybe I will post things over there. I will be moving the girls ultrasound pictures and story over from their blog soon.

I miss them. I had only just started to feel them move. I was looking forward to trying to decide who was moving when. I was just letting myself get excited about them. Picking out little clothes. I had not bought them anything. I thought it would be easier not to have anything to pack away. I was wrong. Yes I have a box of Joshua's things that will never be given away or used but I don't have that for my girls. I should have bought them matching Bowes or onesies as soon as I found out they were girls. Just something. But I didn't. But it's not easier because I didn't. 

I've come to realize you can't protect yourself. I tried but I still hurt as deeply as I did when Joshua was born. I still feel the sadness, the loneliness of not having them anymore. The pain of having breast milk and no baby to feed. It's there. Nothing I did protected me from this pain. 

I wish I could hide. I don't want to go out and see people. I want to scream. How is the world still turning? Why has the world not stopped cant the world see I'm in pain. How is it that the world can keep going on like nothing has happened? I still have to get my kids ready for school and they start in 3 days. We should get extra time. They should get extra summer days since the last 3 weeks of their summer has been a nightmare. I know they are hurting. I don't pretend I'm the only one here in pain. But it's hard to be there for anyone else when all you want to do is get in bed and never get out. I try to face the world and its too hard. 

Maybe it's good that the kids are going to school next week they need to e around people who can laugh and have fun with them. Because that surely isn't me right now. After they go to school I won't have to smile all day long. I can show my sadness more. 

My almost 5yr said this to me today. 

Mommy when we have another baby and it dies can we have pink flowers? 

I was so sad. Babies dying is normal for her. She has only been around me pregnant and the babies always die. The only words that would come out of my mouth were "maybe". I wanted to tell her not all babies die. I wanted to tell her it was ok. I just couldn't with out crying so I just said maybe. The truth is I will never be pregnant again. I begged for a tubal while in the hospital and got a Depo shot instead and will be having a tubal soon. I can't burry another child of mine. I'm going crazy now. 3 kids in 8 months have died because of my stupid uterus and cervix. I can't do it again. This is it for me. I will not do this to myself, my living children or anymore helpless little babies. It's not fair to any of us. 

The things we choose

When women realize they are pregnant they start planning. Things they want to do while pregnant. Who they will tell and when. What to buy And when. What to name the baby. Everything at one point runs through the heads of the waiting parents. What never runs through our heads is what kind of headstone our child will have. I can honestly say I had never ever thought of that before. I had also never thought about burying my child.

When Joshua died we had no plots. When we had to bury him we got 8. One for him. One for all our other children and one for Jason and myself. I didn't pick the spot. I couldn't. I made sure the casket was white and that there were roses. But that's all. Two days ago I had to go pick a headstone. And I thought to myself I should be picking out summer clothes or diapers or something. Not a headstone. Not a grave marker. But that's my reality. That's what I live everyday. I held it together for the most part. See as what I was doing I'd say I did exceptionally well. Even though there were a few tears. I know I had my friends praying for me and that helped a lot. I will be getting a proof by Monday and the stone will be placed in about 8 weeks.

I can't believe how much time has gone by already. Heaven has held my child longer than I did.

Things I didn't know

There are a lot of things I didn't know before I had Joshua. I knew some women would have stillborns and have their water brake early. I had read about them. But I never thought it would be me. Especially since after the first trimester the risk of losing a baby is like 2%. So I was suppose to be in the safe zone. I was suppose to be ok. Joshua was suppose to be ok. But there are things I didn't know.

I didn't know how badly it would hurt or how much it would change my life and the way I think to loose a child.

I didn't know that not having enough of some vitamins can cause the bag of water to break.

I didn't know that after your water brakes that early that you can go on into labor. I had only read stories of women laying in bed for months and then the babies needing NICU time. It's not until you google pPROM complications that you find those stories.

I didn't know you could keep loving someone you never met until their death.

I didn't know you could miss someone who you never spent time with while they were alive.

I didn't realize I was due the Monday before Mothers Day. I didn't realize I was due the day after National Bereaved Mothers Day. I didn't know there was a Bereaved Mother's Day.

Sometimes I wish I could go back and enjoy throwing up more. Enjoy rubbing my belly more. Tell the kids sooner. Tell my family sooner. I thought I was doing good by not telling a lot of people before the 12 weeks were up, that way of I miscarried I would not have to explain to a bunch of people what happened. But really I deprived them time to connect. I knew Joshua was a boy for 2 weeks before we announced it. I again deprived everyone the chance to connect with him as a little boy. I told everyone just 13 days before his birth. People only had 7 weeks to connect with him as a baby and 13 day to connect with him as a Brother, a nephew, a grandson, a baby boy. It all seems crazy now to do things the way we did. The way most people do.

Let people in on your secrets. Let people in on your happiness as well as your sadness and grief. Let people celebrate with you, let others be happy with you don't hide it. It's not just about babies but about just life. Things go wrong, so rejoice in what you have while you have it. It's not that you don't know what you have until its gone, simply that you didn't think what you Had you could ever be taken away.