Turning the page

I'm taking a turn in my life. God has been pulling me in a few different directions recently. Some things I know are for the future and not for now. I am not far enough along in my walk with grief to do some of the things I am meant to do. But I'm getting there.

This blog has helped me vent out my feelings over the deaths of my children, and has been very healing. In my walk there has been very few times where I have written about much except the really hard days, but the time has come to write about the ways I am growing. How my grief is helping me grow in my Faith and how I am becoming more like Jesus and my walk with him.

Am I still grieving?  Yes and I always will be. There will never be a day that goes by, I don't think about my children that are not with me. There will however come a day where I will see them again. I try to focus on that day and not the days behind me. That doesn't mean I am leaving them behind though. They are always here with me, everyday with everything I do they are with me.

So what is new?

I held another baby. My 2nd since having the girls. A little girl at church. She is 3 months old and the sweetest thing. She fell asleep on my shoulder and I thought to myself "I could do this all day". I was a little sad. My girls were due about the same time she was, and it took me this long to hold her, but I did and I am glad I did. It's healing, but small doses is what I need.

I am planning a baby shower for my sister. She has been trying for her 1st baby for about 6 years and she is now 10weeks pregnant. I am so excited for her. I am having so much fun planning her big day.

I am becoming the Director of the Children's Department at church. I am Scared and ecstatic all together. Our children's department needs a complete overhaul redo. We have big plans for our new Ministry. There is so much to be done, there are so many ideas. I will be posting more about this later. For now though I am going to leave you with this.

If you are Expecting a baby. If you are holding your baby in your arms. Try to realize that they are truly a gift. Try to remember that in the span of your life 9 months is a very short time to give up your body to make another life. There will never be another day that was this one. You only have today. Stop complaining that you are tired, you wont be getting more sleep when the baby gets here you will be getting less. Stop complaining that the baby is kicking your bladder, soon you will be up every 2 hours not to pee but to change a diaper. Be grateful for those kicks, be grateful for those contractions that are leading to your baby. Don't take it for granted, you never know, It could all be gone in the blink of an eye.

Owls and Monkeys

I think I have mentioned before that, we had picked a Monkey theme for Joshua. They were pretty popular and there was a monkey theme bed set along with a seat and swing. Jason and I spent a whole night the week before Joshua was born planning all of our monkey stuff. We had big plans for our little monkey.

For our girls we had decided to buy owls. They were are still are easy to find and most of the time there are two owls on things together so it felt right. We looked at a few things but we did less planning, we tried in vain to guard our hearts. 

So I see things. I see Monkeys. I see Joshua. I see owls. I see Faith and Hope. Sometimes I look at them and smile at the memories of picking that stuff out for my children. Sometimes I look at it and feel sad that I don't have the memories of buying it. I never got the chance to set that stuff up. I never got to see my Monkey grow. Or my Owls snuggle together. 

I miss them more than any words could ever explain. 

I make it everyday with the promises that have been made to me by God. One day their will be no pain. One day there will be no more tears. One day I will see them whole and healthy. And we will rejoice in The Lord our God together forever. 

Judged

Do you ever feel judged?

I do sometimes. A lot actually. When people I don't know very well find out I have 3 children who died. I can see they are thinking "what did she do?" And when they find out it was at birth. I see the looks and questions of "what kind of drugs was she taking?"  If only it were that easy right. When people find out that I was on paper "induced" with Joshua, I wonder if they think I didn't try hard enough. I feel sometimes I tried harder with the girls. For the simple fact that I made it almost a week after Hopes water broke before having her and Faith. And with Joshua I only made it 2 days. When actually I didn't do anything different. I made no choices. I let what was to be to be. I followed the advice of my OB and tried to hang on to the lives that were growing inside of me. 

The fact of the matter is that It probably wouldn't make a difference no matter what I did. When your water brakes before viability (23ish weeks) your chances of taking home a baby are less than 1%. Yes there it is as soon as my water broke I had less than a 1% chance of ever bringing home my baby. I understand why some women give up and induce immediately. I don't judge them. It's physically and mentally draining to continue a pregnancy when you know that your baby has a 99% chance of dying no matter how far you carry him. Even if you somehow make it to 34 weeks your baby still has a 1% chance of life outside the womb. I decided that 1% was enough of a chance to fight for so I did. I fought and I lost. 

I think now though that maybe God did know what he was doing not letting me get further than I did. Sometime I have questioned why he couldn't give me just another few days of pregnancy so that Joshua would be seen as a stillbirth and not a miscarriage in the eyes of the state. At 20 weeks in Alabama you can get a Certificate of Birth resulting in a Stillbirth from vital records. At 19.4 weeks you get nothing from the state reconizeing you baby lived. The girls were 17.2 so they got didn't get anything either. I have questioned why I couldn't carry them longer to feel them move more. To know them more. However I can see how he knew that I needed to let go sooner rather than later because if a 1% chance of surviving the pregnancy was enough then a 1% chance of living outside the womb was going to be enough as well. 

I wonder if I had made it to viability how far I would have pushed to keep them alive. 

Since having the girls I have remembered a baby that was in the nicu with Landon. I remember that when Landon was so weak and small that this other baby had a mobile over his crib. I remember the nurses playing music and videos for him. I remember this baby sitting in the swing and I remember his parent called 3 times a day to check on him and visited on Sundays. I remember one Sunday I was visiting Landon and his mother was there. The nurses were telling the mother the drs were thinking of sending him home soon and wanted her to come stay overnight to do total care for him the next weekend. She answered with she would have to talk with his father but thought they could both be there the next Saturday. When they were done she asked me how Landon was doing. I told her good despite being born at 31 weeks he was doing well. I asked about her baby and she told me that he was born at 35 weeks. Her water broke at 18 weeks and he was still on O2 I asked how old he was and was shocked to find out he was turning a year that week! Yes the baby had spent a whole year in the nicu. He did go home the next weekend. I told the mom good luck. She said the same to me. She was being sent home with what I would call a home nicu. The monitors and O2 were all going with that baby. My guess is they trained the mother to care for him at home because he was stable. I wonder now of that baby is now 8 years old and doing well. If he made it. I wonder why I didn't remember that mother when I was laying there trying to hang on. If I had would I have chosen differently? Honestly I don't know. I know I told my OB that the choice oft children living and dying couldn't be mine. That it wasn't up to me. I still believe that, of course. But I think I understand now more than I did before why God said no after my water broke. Why he took them when he did. I still don't understand why my water had to brake in the first place though. 

 I know not all Pprom babies spend a year in the nicu. There is that .5% that are healthy and normal and have no problems from having no fluid. And I'm glad they are thriving. But it's just not the way it turns out for most families. And not wanting you baby to spend his whole life on O2 in the hospital is not a bad thing. I wouldn't want that for my children. 

Being Happy

In general I am a happy person. You can't tell it by this blog. I write a lot more when I'm sad. It helps me deal with the tremendous grief and sadness that surrounds my life. I fake it a lot. I smile when I want to cry all of the time, but there are also times where I am truely having a good time. When I am having a moment of actual happiness and enjoyment. Times when I almost forget the hell my life has turned into. Today I had one of those days. I had a day where I woke up and realized I didn't dream last night. I didn't wake up with my heart aching. I didn't dream of my lost babies. I didn't dream at all. I had a morning that things went smoothly. We went to church even though it was raining (storming) I thought to myself this is a great day. I didn't wear my fake smile to church today. No today I had on my real smile and I'm not sure when the last time I wore that was. Sunday school was good and I was able to follow along with out my mind drifting (I have ADD). There was not any children's church today and despite having the boys sit with me I was able to listen to the message and follow along with out thinking about my sons funeral that was there a year ago. (That's something I think about often there).

Normally after church we go to the cemetery. Today it was raining so bad that we couldn't. We went to our Sunday school Christmas party and for the first time in a year I was surrounded by people and didn't feel alone. If you have never been in a room full of people and felt alone, then there is no way to explain how that feels. It's worse than actually being completely alone. Today though I felt like I was wanted there. Not like they had no choice but to invite me, bit that I was really wanted there. And it felt amazing. I laughed real laughs. I didn't sit in the corner and hide, I engaged myself in conversations. I felt a little like the me that left a year ago. And it scared me I started to think on the way home "should I be happy?" "Can I be happy and still be sad my babies died?" 

I have decided that yes I can I can have moments of pure happiness and I should. I need to allow them. 

I needed today more than anyone else knows. More than anyone at that party realized. They helped me feel normal today. Today I was not "the girls who's babies died" I was just Crystal. And that felt really good! 

Selfishly... Unselfish.

I have always felt I was a pretty selfless person. Even before I had children I always gave to my friends when they needed something. I never kept things back I shared what I had. A lot of times that got me hurt. It prepared me for motherhood though.You can't be incredibly selfish and be a mother. There are so many things you must give up to have a child.

 Your body for 9 months of pregnancy then a year of breast feeding. After that you may have your body back to yourself but it's forever changed. It's not the same one you loaned to your child for almost 2 years. 

Your sleep for ever.  There will be nights you get up with your child from the day they are born until the end.

Freedom of last minute plans, the fast car, expensive clothes, peeing alone. That all fades and you give it up freely to become a mother. It didn't take much for me even at just 15 I knew what I was going to give up to be a mother and I was ok with that. 

But losing my 3 children has taught me that some times you need to he selfish. Sometimes it needs to be about me. I keep things just for me and my close family. Their pictures without an edit. Those are mine and I don't want to share them publicly. I have a box of clothes I will not donate. I have a box of diapers that will never be used. I have names that I beg my family to never use for their yet to be born children. Because that was my baby's name. It's selfish to hold on to those things. I should let them go. I should give them to someone who's baby is alive and can cuddle into the blankets that have sat empty in a box for a year. But I won't. It hurts too much to give what little I have for them up. So they will sit there In that box and I will selfishly hold on to them. Because it's all I have. I have learned to say no for selfish reasons. "Can you watch my child today?" I use to actually watch other peoples kids for pay and I kept the nursery at church. I did children's church, missions for little ones, and even worked at a daycare when I was pregnant with Haleigh. I now answer that with a No. I can't. I don't do anything with the children at church. I help out. Special events, serve coffee, mission funds. But I can not help with other peoples kids. I love the kids at our church and my friends children I simply can not focus on them. The thought of sitting in the nursery at church makes me want to run far far away. So I simply say no I can not and selfishly walk away. 

Being a little selfish isn't bad I have learned. Everyone has to take care of them self. No one is going to take care of you for you. Not in this way. I have to do what's right for me and my family and sometimes that means being selfish. 

A visit to the Dr

I had an appointment with my OBGYN today. Yes I'm fine, I was riden with anxiety before my appointment though, last time I was there was not a pleasant memory for me. So I was dreading a repeat of that day. To my surprise I was the last appointment of the day. At 3pm. There were no hugely pregnant women there. There was not loud woman waving her twin ultrasound pictures in my face. It was just me in a room waiting. I was thankful for that.

I have to say. I'm sure somewhere in my chart everything I've ever said to my OB is written down. However, he's a great doctor. He was not only concerned with how my physical healing was going, but also the emotional side. We talked a little about my feelings. He asked about the kids and Jason. He asked about Haleigh and our upcoming trip to Birmingham. He doesn't have to talk to me. He could just take care of what I'm there for and send me on my way. But that's not the kind of dr he is. I believe he cares. I believe he really wanted to know how we all were, so he asked. 

Everything went good physically and otherwise. 

I made it through an appointment without crying. That's a first since losing Joshua almost a year ago. I did however cry in the car after. 

Then I did something else. Something I had been thinking of doing. I bought a baby shower gift all on my own. For a dear friend who is having a rainbow baby in January. It was hard buying a baby gift for a baby girl who is due days from when the girls were due. But it was a step I needed to take. A step I wasn't ready for yesterday, but was today. I didn't go to the baby store, but I did buy a baby gift. And if you are a baby loss mom you know how huge that step is. I am very proud I was able to do that all by myself. 

Today I won

Today I hit off on my alarm instead of snooze. That lead me to getting up only 45 minutes before we needed to leave for church. Jason had to work so I had to get myself and 5 children fed and ready. I thought about going back to sleep. That was the devil and I knew it.

I got up. 

The kids whined. 

I fed them and washed my hair. 

I fixed coffee and it got cold before I could drink it. 

I thought of going back to bed. 

I couldn't find my shirt. 

I couldn't find Landon's socks. 

I couldn't find Haleigh's shoes.

I thought about going to bed. 

I had to pick me a new shirt.

I had to change Haleigh's dress.

I thought about going back to bed 

I couldn't find my Sunday school book. 

I left with out my book. With out drinking my coffee. With half my make up on and carrying my shoes. While thinking I should have stayed in bed. 

I was late for Sunday school. 

Landon was bouncing through the worship songs. I thought wow I should have stayed in bed. Our pastor was on vacation and I didn't know who was filling in. Oh boy! I should have stayed in bed!! 

Then the kids left. We prayed. Our youth pastor took the stage. He said "I'm going to preach a sermon mostly reserved for funerals" I almost choked on my finally hot cup of coffee. 

I thought to myself. Oh no. Please don't tell me "it's ok" please don't tell me how to grieve. Please don't say "everything will be fine". I was scared of what was going to be said. But then he started to talk about how he felt when he had lost someone special to him. How while everyone meant well, he didn't want to hear the well meaning words. He didn't want people telling him how to grieve, even though he knew they were just trying to help. And I thought wow he gets it. That's how I feel. 

He went through Paslm 23. Is it strange that no one ever read that to me. Or explained it to me before? Maybe they have and I was hurting and don't remember.  I've read it and heard it read. But not explained. I loved the way he explained what it meant for me. As I sat there I could feel the anger that has been apart of so much of my grief this year lift. All the guilt of not being able to protect my babies. Of not being able to give them a chance at life. The regrets of not holding them longer of not kissing them more of not taking more pictures. The anger of being lost of not having more time. More memories it all lifted. I felt lighter and a little shocked about the way I felt. But it was good. 

I also realized why the devil was so much at work in my house today. Because he knew what hearing that message was going to do. What it was going to release me of. He knew that it would be a personal healing experience and he wanted to keep me in my anger, my guilt and my regrets. 

I'm so glad I won today. There have been times where so much as went so wrong on a Sunday morning that I threw my hands up said forget it and went back to bed. But not today. Today I pushed foward and today it mattered. Today I won. 

Not ready

As someone who blogs her feelings, and most of her thoughts you would think there is nothing that I hold back. And that is simply not true. There is a whole list of things in a notebook that I am simply not ready to let the world in on. Some of it may never be written here. Sometimes I think...."oh what's the big deal..blog it". Then I think "well because that's too much". It's not too much to write or to think about or to read. It is however to much for my heart to see in print. Too much for me to release. Things I hold on to. Details that are just mine, that I don't want to share with anyone. Just like the clear pictures of my angels that I will not share. Am I ashamed of the way they looked? No never. Am I scared at the way people may react at seeing pictures of babies born so early? No never. That is a simple fact that their pictures are ones of the few things that I have that's just for me and my family I share.

Most people have a life time of memories with their children so sharing a few memories and a few pictures is no big deal. But imagine if you can for just a moment that you only had a very brief time with them. You have a limited amount of pictures and a limited amount of memories and details. All of them happened in less than 48 hours. You would probably hold them close and not let the world in on you most prized memories and pictures. You guard them with your heart. And what you do let out is just the tip of what you experienced. The love you pour out on pages is just the start of the love you feel, for these littlest of angels. The anger you express is just the start of how you feel. 

One day I maybe ready to express some of the things I'm not ready to write about yet. I may never be ready for other parts if it. 

12 Years...... and 1 month

12 Years 

September 11, 2001

I was sitting in our home, without a phone (not everyone had a phone) watching the Today Show, waiting on my two children to wake up, so that we could start breakfast and watch PBS kids, until outside time. I had them going on a pretty set schedule since it was just the 3 of us most of everyday. Jason was driving a truck locally, but gone everyday all day long. The kids were still asleep when the Today Show, started reporting that there had been a plane crash in New York City, The first live footage I saw there was just 1 of the WTCT on fire. It was being reported as an accident and it was a bad one, reports were that there were people stuck on the top floors. Not long after, while still watching the show, we watched live as the 2nd plane hit the other tower. The anchors (Matt and Katie) were silent, they didnt have any more information than I did. They broke for commercial. I went to check on my babies, they were sleeping in today.  I went back to the TV and curled up on the couch. When it come back on, The first thing I remember them saying was "this was no accident". I saw the burning buildings, I couldnt turn it off, they said they were grounding all flights, they said the Pentagon was hit, they said a plane went down in a field. They said a lot of people died, they said a lot. I had not way to get in touch with Jason, but I was so happy to have him home. The kids played out side a lot that day, I could see them in the back yard from where I sat watching them and the TV at the same time, By bed time I was mental done. We didnt watch much of that the next week, I put on movies for the kids. There was no reason for a 3 and 1 year old to watch that over and over agin. My parents came out to check on me the next day. 

That is just one day in my life I will never forget the events of, there are others though that I know all the details of. 

July 8, 1998- The day I became a mom, Madalyn was born

November 8, 2000- The Day I became a mom to a son- Collin was born

September 25, 2003- The Day I became a mom to a preemie- Aden was born

July 19, 2006- The day I became a mom to my 3rd son and a high needs baby. - Landon was born

November 10, 2006- The day I became a mom to my 2nd Daughter, and "medically frail" baby - Haleigh was born.

December 13, 2013- I became the mom of my 4th son, To my first forever sleeping baby, - Joshua was born.

Then there was a month ago today. 

August 11, 2013- I became the mom to twins, to my 3rd and 4th girls. To my last children- Faith and Hope were born. 

I remember every detail of every one of their births, I remember the loud cries from the delivery room, or the faint cries from the OR, I also remember how silent it is when a baby is born still. I remember the sounds of my own cries as they were born, I remember my own words of "Please give them to me".

There are some days of your life you never forget, some you remember from how bad the day was and how many people suffered and you remember it along with thousands of other people. Some days you remember all by yourself, Painful as they maybe to remember you still smile when you think of those days, it was the day you had waited for, the day you got to meet your baby (babies). and it doesn't matter if they screamed or if they were silent they were all STILL born. And they all STILL matter. 

Somethings are Normal......

Or they are at least the way they use to be...... The same....

When I was pregnant with the girls, back in July my middle son Aden went to church camp. It was the first time he had be to sleep a-way camp. He really enjoyed himself. He was able to do so much. At the time all I could think was "oh how nice of a brake, I'm getting. I also had my oldest son Collin and my youngest son Landon at Jason's moms house, so it was just me and my girls.... All 4 of them. 

When Aden got home we talked and he told me he was saved at camp. I was so happy to hear him say that. He said that he learned what saved really meant. He was able to tell me in his 9 year old words what that meant for him. He then got excited and said he was going to be baptized soon. My oldest 2 children were baptized a few years ago. Collin was 10 and Madalyn was 13. Aden will be just shy of 10 years old. It makes me feel proud of my children when they make the choice to follow Jesus. I had briefly spoken to our pastor at the end of July about his baptism. I was suppose to call and set it up. The week after that we moved.( Incase your wondering, I wasn't allowed to really help, I sat and packed that is all. there was not "moving" for me.) The week after we moved my water broke. We decided to wait until the girls were born to do the baptism, I wanted to be there for him. I told everyone it would probably be the beginning of next year before we would do it. The week after that the girls were born. So again things changed and went back to the way they were. Aden will be baptized this Sunday morning. 

I keep thinking just 2 more, I have 2 more children who are still under the age to understand and be  baptized. (we are baptist, so no baptism until they know why they are doing what they are doing). I teach my children about God and Jesus. But the choice to follow is up to them. My biggest life fear is that one (or some) of them wont believe and will not be apart of my eternal family in heaven. I have 3 children there already waiting on me on us to get there. I want us all to be together. I want my family to be whole. I feel like there are children missing from me. I look around I count and I get confused, I am sure someone is missing. I get told "we are all here" I look and think thats it? No, someone is missing. I of course just say, yeah I know. But in my heart someone is missing. They will always be missing. Until We all get to heaven. Then my family will all be together. Whole, we will all be whole together. 

So while somethings, may go back to how they were.... Baptism coming up.... Sitting on the same pew we always have.... Football, Baseball, Softball, Band..... Life.. It goes on, it doesn't stop just because I'm hurting. Some things are changing and will never be the same....My live children are growing, things are changing. They are physically changing, Growing in Christ, helping me save my Faith. Helping me not fall, holding me up. 

Small Things

Some of the smallest things mean the most sometimes. I've never been a flower/plant type of person. Most of the Plants I've ever taken care of have died. Except a few ferns that I kept alive for my mother in law, and the plant I got when Joshua was buried. Its a peace lily, Its still alive 8 months later. I also got some cut flowers and of course there is no way to keep those alive longer than 2 weeks, but I found I like having them around, so I had kept flowers on my table for months after Joshua was born. When we moved I slowly stopped buying them and then I was pregnant and sick with the girls and I put the vase away.

After the girls were born I received more flowers and I got the vase back out. There have been flowers on my table since the day I came home from the hospital. The little purple daises, are still looking good. The roses however need to be thrown out and replaced. It's been a week a 2 days since we got those at the service. I hope to get some more today. There is just something refreshing about live flowers on the table. Not something I felt before I had babies with wings.

I also take flowers to the grave. We went out the other day, Just to check on them. Its rains everyday here. I was glad to have their service in the morning time because about 2pm everyday, the bottom falls from the sky and it floods everything. So the service was at 10am, not really hot yet, but the sun was still out. Later that day, in true Gulf Coast fashion it stormed for hours.
When we visited the other day the canopy was still over the grave site. my best guess as to why is because its been so wet, and they wanted to give the dirt time to set before a bunch of rain pounded down on it. All of them are in one plot Joshua it at the top in the middle, the girls are directly below him at his feet. Joshua's sod wasn't moved when we buried the girls but we will have to add more to it. There will be 2 head stones on one slab. Joshua's headstone is now in and I'm not sure if they will lay his before we get the girls or not. It will be a little while, them things are so small yet so expensive.

School Days

My oldest 4 children start the new school  year tomorrow. Going into the 9th, 7th, 4th, and 1st grades. I will still have Haleigh at home with me everyday. Although she is asking to go to day care. I think maybe after the first of the year I may do a moms day out with her, but for now she's stuck at home with mom.

I think about my children headed off to school and I get sad. For one I can't drive so my oldest 2 will be taken to school by their aunt. I love my sister and I'm great full she is willing to do that, but I'm their mom and I'm missing it. The younger two I will ride with my mom to go meet their teachers since I was in the hospital on that day, they must be so nervous not to even know what the teacher looks like. But at least I will be there with them. I then realize Haleigh only had one more year with me then she will also be off to school. I have 3 kids that will ever have a first day of school. Yes there are a lot of other first they will never have, but the start of school has made me realize that's another thing I won't get with them. And it makes me so sad. At least I know that since I have kids at 3 different schools and I also have 3 angles that each school will have an angle watching over them all day tomorrow. 

Visits

I visit Joshua often. Most times I'm alone. We also go as a family after church most Sundays, but those visits are short and spent making sure my older children don't run off. I like to go alone and just sit. It's strange how peaceful a cemetery can be. I've never spent much time in one before so maybe that's why I haven't  realized it, but I can sit there in silence and hear the most amazing sounds. The wind blowing, the birds, laughter. Yes laughter. There are a few other babies buried where Joshua is and I have some great friends that have babies in heaven as well. I imagine them playing together watching over us. Sending us rainbows. I sometimes when it's really quite can close my eyes and picture what he would have looked like and sound like laughing. I can't imagine him as a baby though. I'm not sure why. When I dream of him he's roughly 5 years old. Maybe because that's the age when they are the most full of life and laughter. Not yet in school, not really a big kid, but not a baby either. Such a sweet innocent age to be. Just beginning to understand a little of life. I wish I could capture his laugh but I can't. I leave my visits with him mostly in tears. I never feel like I've spent enough time with him there, and now with school being out for summer it's even less. But one day I will get to be with him and see him laugh. One day I will be the one that makes him giggle. Until then his friends and family in heaven will watch him for me. And I will listen.

Sometimes the hard things are the right things.

I hate doing things the hard way. I would rather have things nice and easy. Unfortunately for me most things that are easy are either not worth it or its not the right choice.

For example it's so much easier for me to mail diapers than it is for me to hand deliver them. When I deliver them I have to talk to the nurses and while I'm ok talking to friends and family even when the catch me when my guard is down talking to the nurses is just different. Add that to the fact that I'm in the labor and deliver ward and pass the newborn nursery and the nurses are sometimes even overwhelmed and well I think that's enough to make anyone brake. But I feel I need to hand deliver the ones I can its very healing.

It would be easier for me to forget Joshua was ever here if I could. But I don't want to. We haven't been out to see him in 2 weeks. We are going Tuesday. We normally go on Sundays but the keepers had everyone move all the stuff except headstones and since Joshua still doesn't have one there is nothing there and it's hard to see it so empty, so plain. We are not plain people. I have been waiting until we can take things out but that seems like it may be forever so we decided to take live flowers on Tuesday. It's so hard to go when it's so plain but I know it's the right thing to do. It's hard to wait until we get our income tax back (big delay bigger story) to buy a headstone. But I know it's what we need to do.

It's also so hard to trust God in every aspect of life. But that too is something I know I must do. We talked about fear today in church and why we are afraid. I am afraid a lot. I'm afraid I will start to forget the way Joshua looked. I'm afraid that I've damaged my other kids. Death should not be normal for a 4 year old but for Haleigh it is. I'm afraid of what life might look like for me if I give up all my control and live the way God wants me to live and let him be in control of everything. What if its harder? What if I don't like it? What if I fail again? Well, God never promises it will be easier just worth it. God I believe says we won't like it (take up your cross). And we all fail everyday. So giving him complete control is not the easy thing to do. But it's the right thing to do. God takes care of the whole world he will take care of me. I'm just as important to him as the birds in the sky and fish in the sea. He makes sure they are fed and taken care of and I will be taken care of. I just have to stop trying so hard to take the easy way out by taking care of myself. And let God handle my life.

A way to say goodby

I'm not really sure if I will ever completely say goodby to Joshua. But I am well so many things and feeling leading up to his due date. First I'm scared. Even though I know I would have had him by now because I have my babies on the earlier side. Still that date is one that is in my head as a count down. I'm scared to get to it. Knowing that if I had made it to that day he would have been perfectly healthy and full term. 2nd I'm excited. I know that may seem out if place but May 6th has been running in my head since December 13th so in a way it's like a finish line. I'm not sure how I'm going to do crossing that line I hope I feel more relief in place of all the anxiety I have about it now. And I hope in a way I can say a better bigger goodby to more grief.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do that day. It's a Monday Jason will have to work the kids will be in school. I will probably stay home and cry. I've thought about what I should do for his would be birthday. I've thought about cake and celebrate instead of being completely sad but that makes me feel worse. I've thought about taking some lanterns to the beach and releasing them, I've thought about releasing some balloons at his grave. Anything I do will be the weekend before. The beach would be Saturday te grave would be Sunday. I think if I should take the kids with me and I think it would help them as well.

I wish there was a how to guide. But the reality is that it's different for everyone. No one does grief the same. I just don't understand why this has to be so hard.

Healing

It's strange how things have went.

This experience has been completely different from what I expected it to be. I never wanted to go through this or ever something close to it. I had some early pregnancy losses and while they did hurt my heart the pain can no way compare to that of loosing Joshua.

My pregnancy with Joshua was going like I had expected. Sick as ever for 4 months just returning to somewhat normal at the half way point. Lost of heart burn. So tired. Really excited. Searching for the right name as soon as we knew the sex. Worrying with ever twitch and pang i felt being excited to feel the smallest movement. Being completely in love with my baby. Then everything changed and everything was and still is unexpected.

My water braking was unexpected. My doctor telling me there was nothing they could do was unexpected. Me having contractions and having no choice but to deliver, becoming OCD enough to clean everything all the time, the people I was able to lean on, the people that I wasn't. All unexpected.

The surprises just dont stop. I have been trying to heal and pray for 3 months. Nothing has helped like I thought it would. Being around lots of people is not what I need. Being with just family and home has been a way to cope. I thought going to a support group would help me but I never really wanted to go. I have instead took comfort in cutting diapers and buying flannel. I would have expected me to want to be around others who could understand but I would rather connect online. With those who can help me through cause they have been there. I am however healing or at least I feel like I am. I feel better most days. And I feel I have more better days than bad days but I still have very bad days. Days that Id rather not get out of bed at all. But those days are fewer

I am scared though. Even though I know I would probably already have had Joshua or close to it. I'm scared for his due date. I'm scared for May and the months that follow it. I know I would not have wet beyond May 6th. And I know he would have been a perfect healthy baby boy by then. Full and developed and mine.

Joshua is so missed. So loved.

Happy Thoughts

Everyone's seen Peter Pan. Everyone knows you need a happy thought to fly, well that along with faith, trust and piksy dust. Disney is rerelease Peter Pan this week, it's always been a favorite of mine. I think Haleigh's only seen it once. I'm going to buy it on blue ray so she can watch it on the way to her follow up appointment Thursday. She's seen the commercial and remembers the ride at Disney back in November.

It's hard for me to think about our Disney trip sometimes. I was pregnant and a little uncomfortable. I didn't ride anything because I wasn't suppose to, but I did do a ton of walking. I wasn't on restricted anything though so I have to believe the walking was ok. I made a point to sit and rest when needed. I've been to Disney 3 other times pregnant so I know the dos and don't of pregnant vacation. Haleigh loves to look at our pictures. We bought a book. It's our gift to each other for Christmas. It's really nice to have our memories in there. I'm pregnant and you can see it in every picture. I was so happy. Full of life and smiles in every picture. All of us were. We had such a great trip.

Tonight I dropped Aden off at a church sleepover. Haleigh off at my sisters house and Landon was riding with me. Just the two of us. He was talking about our Disney trip and how much fun we had. He asked if we could go back soon. I told him that we would be going on a different vacation but not to Disney. He just said "oh" I then told him we would have fun where ever we went. He, with his little voice, said something very big: "I like it at Disney mom, everyone was smiling" it hit me, Disney is our last good family memory before Joshua died. That was our Thanksgiving. We came home and the kids started back school. 2 weeks later Joshua died. That vacation was the last thing that my kids remember being happy at and they know it. They remember me and Jason being happy then too and they want that again. I want it again too. Disney our vacation is their happy thought.

I hope I can make some good memories with them this summer. I want to take them camping. They love camping. I want them to see me really happy again. The way I was. I want them to remember how I was and that I was strong enough to still be their mother after the loss of their brother. I want them to know that my love for them has not and will never changed. That they will always be my babies. I want them to be proud that I'm their mom. I don't want them to be scared to have children of their own one day. I hope they learn that all life is a gift and not to take it for granted. But to also be able to relax and enjoy it.

Change

I've never really liked a lot of change. I like to know what to expect. Surprises scare me, change makes me nervous. So I'm surprised at myself wanting things to change. I want a new start. I'm not sure how to go about doing it though, since I have never wanted it before.

4 years ago change was forced upon us when Haleigh was born and Jason lost his job. We had to learn to live with far less than we were use to, we had to let go of things we thought were important. We had to start over. We are now in a place where we are almost ready to settle down in another home of our own and not a rental.

Question is where?

I would like to keep Madalyn at her high school, but I'm not concerned with the other kids yet. Collin may want to stay at the middle school he's at but I also think a fresh start would be good for all of my kids. I'd really like to move to Saraland. But that's a long drive to west mobile for Madalyns school everyday and I'm not sure she will want to change schools. My 2nd choice is Semmes. They have great schools and the house we are looking at there is not far from their schools at all. My 3rd choice is Wilmer. And really that's just a little past Semmes. But it's still quite and still good schools. I like living in West Mobile but I need room.

I want a garden. I want air. I want a pool. I want to breathe. I want to not be able to throw a Rock and hit the house next door!

I need a change.

I changed my plans today. We had bad weather today so I'm going to moms in the morning to start our project. I'm so excited.

I slept last night. I think it was the rain. I didn't dream. I just slept.

Sunday we are being introduced to the church. Brother David has already requested our membership letters from the other church. I've prayed a lot and made sure I was not changing my membership out of anger. And I can honestly say I want to serve at this church. I believe in what they are doing and I want to be apart of it. I feel God wants me and my family to be apart if it.

Aden loves it there and Friday he's going to a kids lock in. He's excited about church. If you know Aden then you know he gets excited about exactly 2 things: Football and Hunting, so for him to be excited about church is amazing. Collin has signed up to go to youth summer camp. I will get details on that Sunday at the meeting, but he loves The Lord and I believe he will grow and become a mature follower of Chris,t but I need help with him. I don't have all the answers to the questions he has and I believe this church will help me help him grow. Madalyn is a little harder she hates change more than I do. She is not so sure about this church or any church, but she's going. She's trying and I believe that she will get there she just needs time. And I will give her that time. Landon and Haleigh although very young have taken to the church and people there more easy than I ever thought would happen.

It helps me that my sister is there every week and I see her and the example her and her husband set as Christians is amazing. They are truly walking with The Lord and it shows in every step they take. My parents are there a lot and for my kids to see their grandparents in church makes it mean more to me and I hope to them as well.

Families use to all go to church together more and I'm understanding why now. We need each other. For the times in our lives when everything is good we need each-other to Celebrate with, when times our bad we need each other to hold on to. To help each other up when we fall. To be accountable to each other. And when we are needing a change we are there to support that change and help one another through it. To overcome, whatever has been or maybe together!

That's a family. And there's more than one kind of family. Family is not all blood relation and DNA. Family is so much more than that.

Busy

Today is Thursday and we all know how I feel about Thursdays. But today was a bit different. My children have been sick this week and home from school. Today Jason and I both felt drained from being up all night all week giving breathing treatments and fever meds. So we slept most of the day. It's wasn't until I was sitting after dinner and writing out school notes that I realized it was a Thursday, I'm not sure if it was I good thing I'm sure in some ways it was.

First not thinking about what day it was I got out of the house for the first time this week and it was a beautiful day. I went to my oldest child's softball practice, sat in the sun and watched her run. I was not surrounded by people but was not alone. The sun brightened my mood and have me a lift today. I'm sure if I had realized it was Thursday I would have just stayed home.

But I feel bad that I didn't remember. Maybe since its been 6 weeks I am now only going to remember the 13th of every month as bad and hard. Then maybe it will after a year be only the 13th of December. Maybe that's what people mean by it gets better with time. Because I honestly believe that the whole time heals all wounds is a compleat lie! I think maybe its just that we realize we can't hide away forever and that even though we don't want to we must get out of bed and we must try to live a life close to what we had before. Though it will never be the same. We know we have to try. So we put on a happy smile and go face the world with our hearts still crushed, but do we feel better...no not really.

We try to stay busy. Too busy to think about what day it is. To busy to remember every second of everyday that our baby is gone. To busy to miss him. Too busy to cry.

Another day

I had a pretty good day today. I guess my days sometimes run together. I am out of the fog and I have come to terms with the fact that no matter what my baby is gone. Haleigh say it today. "I want to see Joshua" yes baby me too I answered her. She doesn't understand how final death is. I told her he's in heaven and we can't go until Jesus calls us there. Then we will see Joshua. She was so looking to be a big sister. And she will always have Joshua as a little brother. But not the way we pictured it to be.

I feel like sometimes I'm at a stand still I don't know what to do with my time. I am really not sure what I use to do before. I mean I know I was tired and busy but I don't know what I did all day. I sit hear with my clean house and wonder what I'm suppose to be doing. I don't know how to get back to my life. I really don't think I will ever get back completely. I need something to do and I had decided to wait to start doing anything with the diapers until next fall when the kids restarted school, but I'm thinking now it may be a good idea to start now. So that I have something to do. There is just so much of my time that is left doing nothing and that's the time I have the hardest time.

It's been 6 weeks and now I'm just lost and I have no idea if this feeling is normal or not. I've thought about the face to face support groups but i don't know if I want to go and sit infront of people who I do not know and cry and see them cry. I am not sure that will help me. Then again the other people who do go, go for a reason. So maybe it would help.