Day 7

I am thankful for my small groups at church.

Day 6

I am thankful for all 8 of my Children

2014

Some days are better than others. Some days I wish I didn't have to get out of bed. And to be honest the only reason I do is because I have 5 children depending on me. I have no choice. I must get up. I must soldier on. I am still a mom, I still have to get the kids to school, make breakfast, play barbies, do laundry, dishes, bathrooms, dinner, shopping. It didn't stop because my babies died. The world just kept on moving. I however have felt like I have been left behind a little. I know I have only been half attentive to the important things and even less to the not so important stuff. I cope with life sometimes by tuning it out. By not paying attention to what's happening around me. That is how it is now November and the last 3 months are a complete blur.

Sure I remember some things. I remember burring my daughters. I remember having a birthday party for Aden. I remember taking Haleigh to Birmingham, and doing her fills. But ask me what my kids are learning in school or what projects we have done. Ask me how they picked their Halloween outfits. Ask me when we got them. Ask me about day to day happenings and I can tell you I don't remember a lot if it. I just can't seem to remember a whole lot. 

I looked at Haleigh tonight watching Toy Story 3 and I thought... When did she get to almost 5 years old? I missed all of her 4th year. I was and still am grieving, most of the last year is just a blur of sadness and pain. 

Come on 2014 what Cha got for me? 2012 and 2013 were hell! Give me a brake 2014, make it a good year. A year to remember.   

Day 5

Sisters

I believe

When you think about heaven, what is it that you think of?

The bible says we will worship God forever and ever. It also talks about the new heaven and the new earth. And the streets paved with gold. 

What do you think heaven looks like? Do you think we will know all of our loved ones that have pasted before us? What about our loved ones who were not believers? The bible says there will be no tears, no more fears, no more pain. 

I have a hard time picturing what heaven looks like. I do believe that we will be with those who have passed before us. I do believe I will be in heaven one day. I believe that even though all of the people we love may not be there that we will not be sad, we will have peace about it. As hard as it may seem now, I beiieve that as truth. 

I believe there will be Angels there. Showing us what heaven is about. I believe that there will be angels and loved ones there at the gate waiting for me when I walk through it. 

I don't believe we ever become angels. Despite calling my babies angels I do realize they were so much more. Jesus died for them, just as he did for you and for me. He didn't do that for angels. But, they are there. Their little soles are there waiting for me. Wrapped in love by my grandparents and Jason's grandparents. Playing with some special friends children along with some family children. An aunt who I never met that died as a child and and uncle who Jason never met that died as a child. My 3 I imagine playing together in heaven playground, peacefully never knowing the pain this world has. 

I hope they felt love for the short time I had them with me in earth. I know they know it now. 

I have a hard time picturing what they look like. I always picture Joshua to be about 5 years old. In my dreams of him he is never a baby, always 5-6 years old. The girls are younger. I picture them to be about 2-3 years old always. I don't know if that is the age they will be in heaven or if they will appear younger or older. I do believe we are all at our perfect age, and I believe I will know exactly whom children are when I get there. 

Day 4

Day 3

Day 2

Day 1 of Thankfulness

Happy Halloween

Yesterday was Halloween. I had a headache for the early part of the day. I believe it was allergies and over tiredness. I cooked dinner. Chicken n Rice. A favorite for my kids, (however it took me months to make it after I had Joshua. It's what I cooked the night my water broke with him. ) I then got them ready to go to the church fall festival and to trick or treat. While getting Haleigh in her pink bat girl costume. I began to think of Joshua. It should have been his first Halloween. I should be getting him dressed and needing a stroller. I should also be so big and pregnant with twins that I would need to drive and not walk a lot. But that was not what happened. I got my kids ready, pushed the thoughts of my lost little ones aside put a smile on my face and had a Happy Halloween.

I wondered as I put my children in bed last night if I would always have that cloud that hung over me tonight. If I would always be sad about what could have been with my children in heaven if they would have stayed here on earth with me. Will I ever truely enjoy a holiday again? I can't answer any of those right now, but I have hope that one day I will enjoy the things I use to enjoy. That even though I will always think of them that the pain will not be as intense as it is now. That I won't have to smile through it, instead I can smile because if it. 

Until then though I will not let my children know how sad I was and will be. Especially with Christmas coming. They deserve a happy mother, who bakes cookies with them and sings frosty the snow man with a smile. And that's what I am going to do for them. But Joshua, Faith and Hope will always be there in my thoughts and in my heart. I will always wish they were here. I will always wish things were different.