Day 7

Me Now

I'm not sure If I was really suppose to do a selfie (yes I have a teen daughter so I know what that means). Or just something that represents who I have become. I can honestly say I don't know who I am right now. But I know that I am changed. I will never be who I was before  Joshua died and I will never be who I was after he died yet before Faith and Hope died. I miss who I was before sometimes. But I know that I will never be that person again. I may come close to looking like her one day, but there will always be something different about me on the inside, even if it doesn't show on the outside. So Me Today.... I am Changed. 

Day -6

Rituals

Day 6 

I was never a flower type of girl. I always said "they just sit there and die". I never bought flowers. I didn't like fake flowers, silk ones they just never had any meaning to me. I would look at them in the store and think "who buys that?". Then Joshua died. Someone asked me what type of flowers I wanted on his casket. I had to pick flowers for my sons casket. I chose roses. My daughter and I buried them in the back yard and bought more. We have kept real flowers on our table since then. We buy new flowers for our table every 2 weeks. Faith and Hope had roses as well. 

I am also now that person who buys the fake looking silk flowers for my children's grave. 

Faith and Hope. 08/11/13

Joshua Henson 12/13/12

Day 5

 Memory 

There are a few memories that stick out for me when I close my eyes and think of my children. I always think of Joshua's feet first. The last ultrasound I had we got a perfect picture of his foot and toes. When he was born his feet were so perfect and so small. 

For my girls, there was finding out there were two babies instead of one. I left the doctors office thinking how much in love I was with both of them already. And I remember thinking after they were born how important a picture of their feet was. I already had plans to hang their foot picture next to Joshua's. 

Day 4

Legacy 

Day 4 Legacy 

I have been having a hard time with this one. 

Defined Legacy is what a person leaves behind once they die. 

My children died when they were born how could they have left anything, except sadness? I didn't want to put sadness down as their Legacy. 

Then I thought "that's not all they gave me" 

My angels gave me things:

1.Joshua have me an understanding of people and how they react in a time of pure sadness and grief. Badly, most people react badly. 

2. Faith and Hope restored my faith and hope in people. That there are people who care when your baby dies. 

3. A broken heart this may seem really bad, but it's given me the understanding I needed to be there for other people when they are hurting. 

4. The Ability to see what matters most. To see the big picture and know what is most important. And what is not, what can wait and what needs to be done now. 

My 3 babies gave me all that. That is a pretty big Legacy. 

Day 3

Myths

Day 2

Identity. 

Day 1

Sunrise

October is.........

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

October 15th, is a Wave of Light Day

I know most people think of Breast Cancer Awareness when they think of finishing "october is" statement. And I am in no way knocking Breast Cancer Awareness.... However I know no one who hasn't heard of Breast Cancer. Most people know someone who has had Breast Cancer. There is no stigma attached to having, having had Breast Cancer. 

Baby Loss however is Taboo. No one wants to talk about babies dying. 1 in 4 women who finds out they are pregnant today will no take home their baby from the hospital. They may lose their baby through Early Miscarriage in the 1st 12 weeks, Late pregnancy loss, stillbirth, medical problems not compatible with life, cord accidents.... the list just grows from there. If you were brave enough to ask a group of your close friends and they were brave enough to answer you honestly, you would find most people know someone who has lost a baby at some point in their lives. The difference is no one talks about it. Babies are not suppose to die, so we pretend they don't. 

Before Joshua was born I had only read about StillBirths and Infant loss. I had early miscarriages, and they were even by me swept under the rug and I went on with my life. I only brought them up when I was asked by medical personnel. And even then I had to think about when the losses were. I believe that was my way of coping with so many losses. I don't believe I really got over those losses. How did I deal? By having another baby very quickly. It made it very easy to forget the loss at 5 or 6 weeks. After  Faith and Hope were born I realized that I am the mother of many children and even though I dont know if they are boys or girls I will one day, and I will get to hold them and see them one day, just not today.

Photo Challenge

I am taking part in a baby loss photo challenge this month for mothers (or I guess anyone affected by baby loss) who have lost a baby. I missed today, today was sunrise. I am going to get a picture of the sunrise tomorrow morning. I was up this morning like always before the sun, I really just forgot to take the picture. 

Day 2 is a self picture before baby loss.

Day 3 is a Self picture after baby loss.

Im excited to keep up with the Photo Challenge, There is a group on Facebook that I will be posting the pictures to, but I will also be posting them here on the blog so look for that this month. 

EDIT

I was reading the wrong list of the challenge. I was reading 2012s list. This is 2013s list. 

Lost

Sometimes I feel a little lost. Like I should be doing something, Like I should be planning something researching something and I have no idea what that something is. Its the same feeling you get when you know you are forgetting something, but you can't seem to think of what that thing is, until you leave the house. I have that feeling all of the time. I know I am suppose to be doing something. What is it?

Planning

I am suppose to be planning for twins, I am by nature the most planned person you will ever meet. I can not just let things come as they may I must plan things and make list and then check it and change what needs to be changed and plan some more. Its not a bad thing, not really. I am always prepared, and I always know what to expect for the most part. I am just a planner. I hate not knowing when something is coming. Pregnancy was always hard because you never know exactly when baby is coming and I would plan "if it happened this or that day".

I now have nothing to plan

I was planning for Joshua. That was so interrupted i had nothing to replace it with, so I fell into a hole. and stayed there a while. Then Haleigh needed emergency surgery and that was not planned, I panic when I dont have time to plan, but I could then plan the next trips and surgery.

I was planning for my girls, I was researching what sleeping arrangements were best for twins, what carseat were best for smaller preterm babies, I was planning a celebration of life for them, I was lining up help in the early days, I had planned a section for 36 weeks, December 20th. I would have twins by Christmas...... Now there is nothing to plan, I have no where to put that energy. I feel like I'm slipping, back into the hole of nothing. Back to being Lost

My feelings

So I was asked today if I was sad about having a tubal. The person asking had read my blog where I had said I was sad about it and wondered if I was sad the why would I do it. This person is a friend and it got me thinking. If she wondered maybe others were wonderig too. And I must not have cleared that up already. So here it is.

I am not sad about having a tubal ligation. I am sad about not being able to have more children. 

Now you may have read that and be thinking. What? You had surgery to not be again. Yes, yes I did. But that is not why I can't have children. That surgery is why I can't get pregnant again. It had nothing to do with why I can't have another child. 

Now your asking well if you can get pregnant then you can have another child right? Well... No, actually that is not right. I have no problem getting pregnant. I never have had that problem. My problem is staying pregnant long enough to have a child at the end of the pregnancy. I have had many early losses. Some only me and Jason know about. Some that are what is called a chemical pregnancy. Where if our home test were not so sensitive we would never know I was pregnant. Those while they were hard, were not as hard for me as losing Joshua or Faith and Hope. 

I realize that those early losses are harder on some women. And believe me I griefed for them, and I believe some women hurt for early losses just as bad as I did for Joshua, Faith, and Hope. But for me the pain was less with the early losses. 

I did have a tubal to not get pregnant, because there is nothing doctors can offer me (except major surgery in another state, and even then there is risk) to help me carry a child to viability. And that makes me sad. 

There are always possibilities for our future that we don't know about. I don't believe titanium clips will stop God, if that's his plan for me it will be. 

I think emotionally I needed this. I needed to know that I am doing everything humanly possible to prevent this from happening to my family again. My head knows that. My heart knows it's really not up to me. Nothing is. If it was up to me. I'd have Joshua he would be 6 months old. And I would be 5 months pregnant with twin girls. It would be hard. I would be tired. I would probably be complaining about how tired I was. And I wish I could be complaining about that. That is what I would have if it was up to me. 

So yes I'm sad. I'm angry still, but less so every day. I am thankful I am a mother. I am greatfull that I got to carry twins even though I didn't get to parent them. I am still the mom to Identical twin girls and they were so beautiful. I am still the mom to 4 boys and 4 girls. I love all 8 of my children. I regret none of them. I never will