Day 2

Identity. 

Day 1

Sunrise

October is.........

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

October 15th, is a Wave of Light Day

I know most people think of Breast Cancer Awareness when they think of finishing "october is" statement. And I am in no way knocking Breast Cancer Awareness.... However I know no one who hasn't heard of Breast Cancer. Most people know someone who has had Breast Cancer. There is no stigma attached to having, having had Breast Cancer. 

Baby Loss however is Taboo. No one wants to talk about babies dying. 1 in 4 women who finds out they are pregnant today will no take home their baby from the hospital. They may lose their baby through Early Miscarriage in the 1st 12 weeks, Late pregnancy loss, stillbirth, medical problems not compatible with life, cord accidents.... the list just grows from there. If you were brave enough to ask a group of your close friends and they were brave enough to answer you honestly, you would find most people know someone who has lost a baby at some point in their lives. The difference is no one talks about it. Babies are not suppose to die, so we pretend they don't. 

Before Joshua was born I had only read about StillBirths and Infant loss. I had early miscarriages, and they were even by me swept under the rug and I went on with my life. I only brought them up when I was asked by medical personnel. And even then I had to think about when the losses were. I believe that was my way of coping with so many losses. I don't believe I really got over those losses. How did I deal? By having another baby very quickly. It made it very easy to forget the loss at 5 or 6 weeks. After  Faith and Hope were born I realized that I am the mother of many children and even though I dont know if they are boys or girls I will one day, and I will get to hold them and see them one day, just not today.

Photo Challenge

I am taking part in a baby loss photo challenge this month for mothers (or I guess anyone affected by baby loss) who have lost a baby. I missed today, today was sunrise. I am going to get a picture of the sunrise tomorrow morning. I was up this morning like always before the sun, I really just forgot to take the picture. 

Day 2 is a self picture before baby loss.

Day 3 is a Self picture after baby loss.

Im excited to keep up with the Photo Challenge, There is a group on Facebook that I will be posting the pictures to, but I will also be posting them here on the blog so look for that this month. 

EDIT

I was reading the wrong list of the challenge. I was reading 2012s list. This is 2013s list. 

Lost

Sometimes I feel a little lost. Like I should be doing something, Like I should be planning something researching something and I have no idea what that something is. Its the same feeling you get when you know you are forgetting something, but you can't seem to think of what that thing is, until you leave the house. I have that feeling all of the time. I know I am suppose to be doing something. What is it?

Planning

I am suppose to be planning for twins, I am by nature the most planned person you will ever meet. I can not just let things come as they may I must plan things and make list and then check it and change what needs to be changed and plan some more. Its not a bad thing, not really. I am always prepared, and I always know what to expect for the most part. I am just a planner. I hate not knowing when something is coming. Pregnancy was always hard because you never know exactly when baby is coming and I would plan "if it happened this or that day".

I now have nothing to plan

I was planning for Joshua. That was so interrupted i had nothing to replace it with, so I fell into a hole. and stayed there a while. Then Haleigh needed emergency surgery and that was not planned, I panic when I dont have time to plan, but I could then plan the next trips and surgery.

I was planning for my girls, I was researching what sleeping arrangements were best for twins, what carseat were best for smaller preterm babies, I was planning a celebration of life for them, I was lining up help in the early days, I had planned a section for 36 weeks, December 20th. I would have twins by Christmas...... Now there is nothing to plan, I have no where to put that energy. I feel like I'm slipping, back into the hole of nothing. Back to being Lost

My feelings

So I was asked today if I was sad about having a tubal. The person asking had read my blog where I had said I was sad about it and wondered if I was sad the why would I do it. This person is a friend and it got me thinking. If she wondered maybe others were wonderig too. And I must not have cleared that up already. So here it is.

I am not sad about having a tubal ligation. I am sad about not being able to have more children. 

Now you may have read that and be thinking. What? You had surgery to not be again. Yes, yes I did. But that is not why I can't have children. That surgery is why I can't get pregnant again. It had nothing to do with why I can't have another child. 

Now your asking well if you can get pregnant then you can have another child right? Well... No, actually that is not right. I have no problem getting pregnant. I never have had that problem. My problem is staying pregnant long enough to have a child at the end of the pregnancy. I have had many early losses. Some only me and Jason know about. Some that are what is called a chemical pregnancy. Where if our home test were not so sensitive we would never know I was pregnant. Those while they were hard, were not as hard for me as losing Joshua or Faith and Hope. 

I realize that those early losses are harder on some women. And believe me I griefed for them, and I believe some women hurt for early losses just as bad as I did for Joshua, Faith, and Hope. But for me the pain was less with the early losses. 

I did have a tubal to not get pregnant, because there is nothing doctors can offer me (except major surgery in another state, and even then there is risk) to help me carry a child to viability. And that makes me sad. 

There are always possibilities for our future that we don't know about. I don't believe titanium clips will stop God, if that's his plan for me it will be. 

I think emotionally I needed this. I needed to know that I am doing everything humanly possible to prevent this from happening to my family again. My head knows that. My heart knows it's really not up to me. Nothing is. If it was up to me. I'd have Joshua he would be 6 months old. And I would be 5 months pregnant with twin girls. It would be hard. I would be tired. I would probably be complaining about how tired I was. And I wish I could be complaining about that. That is what I would have if it was up to me. 

So yes I'm sad. I'm angry still, but less so every day. I am thankful I am a mother. I am greatfull that I got to carry twins even though I didn't get to parent them. I am still the mom to Identical twin girls and they were so beautiful. I am still the mom to 4 boys and 4 girls. I love all 8 of my children. I regret none of them. I never will 

Recovering

I am drafting a big blog. As you can probably tell from the spelling eras I never really do that. I also blog mostly from my iPhone or kindle. But I wanted to blog about my experience of my tubal, because I was given misinformation. I know everyone's experience is different, but it seems mine was completely different than anything I read or heard. So I have been drafting a blog from going to the hospital that morning through my follow up appointment in two weeks. Today isWednesday. I had my tubal done on Monday, I am doing better today. But my recovery has been far from easy, but I am physically ok. Emotionally I am better than I thought I would be. I have a calm that has been placed over me. I did cry a little before surgery, I have cried a little since. I know this was right though, life choices are just sometimes hard.

Today is Aden's 10th Birthday (he's my 3rd child). He was my 1st to spend time in the NICU, I can't believe he is 10 already. Time has really flown by. He is such a fire ball. The world better watch out for him. He's coming full force.  

6 weeks

It's so hard to believe that the girls have been gone almost 6 weeks. I miss them. I didn't get to feel them move much. It was early still. Time is going by so fast. I feel like I have been standing still and the world has been moving in around me. I didn't realize it was the end of September. My kids have already brought home progress reports. I'm missing their school year I missed it last year being pregnant and then losing Joshua. And this year losing the girls. It's all a fog. I hope they never ask what they did in 1st,4th,7th and 9th grade because I won't really know what to tell them. I love them so much but I can't keep up with what they are doing and learning when I can hardly keep up with just life.

Just a short year ago we were clueless on all things baby loss. Completely happy and expecting our 6th baby. No idea what the next year would hold for us. This year has completely sucked. Is it 2014 yet? 

Choices

Choices we make with our heart.

  We go through most of our lives making choices with our hearts. If we really sit and think about it. Playing sports, marching in the band, Dance lessons, we either made the choice or our parents did when we were little, when we are old enough we continue to do these things simply because we love them. We watch the sports teams on tv that we watched based (mostly) on what our parents watched, we are attached to the memories and that team, we make the choice to watch with our hearts. Who we date, who we fall in love with, who we marry, when to have children, sometimes even where to live. Most people make those choices with their hearts. Never thinking about what could really lie ahead. 

Choices we make with our heads.

After we live for a while in the real world we start to make some of our choices with our heads. While we may still make some with our hearts, some are just not that easy. We have to move for a job, leaving the place where we thought we would live forever. That choice is made with our heads. Stop playing the sport we love or dancing because of an injury. That choice is made with our heads. Who we allow into our lives and that of the lives of our children, that choice is made with our heads. 

Wanting to follow your heart, choosing to follow your head.

There are just somethings that you much allow your heart to make your choice and then there are others that you must make the choice to follow what your head is telling you even though your heart tells you different. That is how I feel. 

I want to make sure everyone knows that no one is pressuring me into having a tubal, but myself. Jason yes agrees with me, but he is not pressuring me to have it done, I could tell him tomorrow that I changed my mind and he would accept that. Other people who have asked about it, they are not pressuring me either, and honestly even if they are trying to make sure I go through with it, the opinions of people who I haven't asked for do not matter to me at all. If the did I would only have 3 children. My doctor is not leaning one way or the other, he has given me complete facts, not his feelings and if I want to back out he would not blink and eye. 

If I was to follow my heart to would have called it off already, I love being a mother. I knew from the time I was very young that I wanted to be a mother and I wanted a lot of children. If I was to follow my heart, I would tie the top of my cervix closed in a major operation in NJ, and then try again to have a live birth. 

I have to follow my head. My head is telling me that I have 5 living children who need their mother. They need a mother who is here for them, not off getting surgery to try to have another baby, not a mother on bed rest for months. They also don't need any more loss in their lives, neither do I. I know better now that no life, no day is guaranteed to us. Each day is a gift from God, but tomorrow is promised to no man. My head is telling me that My heart and theirs can't take anymore of this, and that makes me sad. I have broken my children's hearts and I can't do it again. So I am following my head to not have anymore children. I am making the choice and I am sad about it. 

Losing and burring another baby is scarier to me, than never having another live birth. 

Praying before you choose

I have been praying for 5 weeks about is this what God wants me to do, and ya know what, I still don't know. If God doesn't give you an answer what do you do? Go with your head? Wait? Is God telling you to wait, is that his answer? I honestly do not know. I have some peace about my choice, but a lot of it I think is relief from the fear of loss.(I am also afraid of surgery), Did God give me that peace? I dont know. What I do know is that 2 little metal clips (one on each tube) is not going to stand in God's way. If it is in his plan that I have another child then I will, that makes my choice to have a tubal void and then I am only really doing it for peace of mind. Right? 

I can tell you that unless I catch pneumonia from sitting in the rain and wind tonight at the football game, I will be having surgery on Monday at 1230pm. I can say I am sad and that is OK. I can say that I am at peace with the decision I have made and that I am and will be OK. I can say that this has been a hard choice to make and I wish I didnt have to make a choice at all. I should still be pregnant after all!

Pre-op Appointments

I went to my OB and the Hospital today for pre-op. The waiting room was less crowded but there were still happily pregnant women there. There was one who found out she's having twins, the ultrasound tech said this was the 4th set of twins she has seen this week. Well thats nice for them huh?!? Any way I may see if there is a day or time that they only see non-pregnant women. I mean I can dream right?!

I had my Labs done and passed, my Iron levels had to be 10.9 or higher mine was an 11. Low end of normal, but normal enough for surgery. My nurse asked me if I was sure. I told her I made this decision with my head not my heart. My head is sure. I could tell she had never heard that answer before, because she just looked at me for a moment and then said ok. I think she was confused. I was then sent to the hospital, they got all my information in their computers and then I was sent to talk to the pre-op nurse. It was the same one I talked to on the phone Tuesday. She was really nice. One of the questions they asked on the phone was "When was your last period?" I told her I didn't know that I had delivered 5 weeks ago and not had a period yet. I could tell she was smiling and asked if I had a Boy or Girl. In one long sentence I stated, "Twin girls, they were early and didn't make it, I haven't had a period." She was quite for a moment and then said she was so sorry, and she didn't mean to upset me. I told her I knew she didnt know and had to ask those questions and it was ok. We then moved on. Today she asked me if I had any reservations about having the tubal, I had Joshua, Faith and Hope at this hospital and she had my chart so she knew now what I have been through. I told her I have 5 children who are heart broken, I told her "this choice was one we made with our heads, not our hearts" She just looked at me with sympathy, said ok and gave me the information I needed. told me all my labs look good and what time to be at the hospital on Monday, and she would see me then. And that was it. I plan on using the same answer if anyone else asks me on monday if this is what I want, or if I am sure. My answer is, We made this choice with our heads not our hearts. My heart will always be broken. There is no way to fix it, or to make it whole, there are 3 parts of it missing.

Complaints.... Being Thankful

Some days are better than others for me, I have been having more better days than bad days, however I am still having some really bad days. I have things that bother me. Triggers some people call them, that make me feel worse, or make my day a bad one.

Complants, I cant stand it when people complain about the kids that they chose to have. I use to do it too. Say how tired I was because I had 3 kids up and sick all night, but now I think of how lucky I was to have those kids to be up with that night. And how in this great thing we call life how short one little night of no sleep really is. Heck, how short a few months of no sleep with a newborn are. I don't understand how people can be so ungrateful for what they have in their arms. Be grateful for the sleepless nights, the days of colic and the long long days stuck in the house with your baby. You have no idea how many women including me who would trade the pain I feel now for your sleepless days and nights.

   Then I think I am so glad the one complaining have no idea this pain and still live in a world where bad things don't happen to good people. Living in a world where if you are a good person, and you eat all the right foods, see all the rights doctors, have all the right test, have faith in God that everything will work out for you, that bad things happen to bad people, good things happen to good people who follow all the rules. I wish I still lived in that world with these people who complain. I wish I could still complain and not have my heart be crushed.

  I am carful. I am carful to hold my hand on my mouth when I want to complain about being too busy, I am carful to not get angry when the kids don't sleep well, when they are sick and need their mom, when they are sad, when they are just being needy.

  I am thankful, I pray that one day every mom will be as thankful for the things I am thankful for. I am thankful for my children's lives, I am thankful for every softball tournament that kept me at the ball park until 2 in the morning. I am thankful for the next morning of being back at 7am. I am thankful for every cub scout campout. I am thankful for every football game, Every early morning waking up to get them to school, every late night studying for the big test, or forgotten about project. I am thankful for ever fight I have ever had with my children, I wish I would have been thankful enough at the time to just stop fighting and hug them. I am thankful for every day I sat in the hospital next to my children. For every copayment and doctors appointment. Every late night ER visit. Every single payment I have ever made to keep them healthy and to keep them happy. Every long car trip to special doctors. Every late night sitting up crying because I didn't know what to do. I am thankful for it all. Its a beautiful thing to be a mother, and I am sad that not every mom sees it as a blessing the way I do.

 I am sad I will never have another blessing in the form of a child. But, that in no way means I am not thankful for the ones I have here with me and the ones that have gone before me. I have 8 children who I am thankful for. I know some people may not understand how I am thankful for death, and I am going to say that is not easy. I would much rather have my babies here and be thankful for no sleep. But that is not my reality. This is.... I am thankful I have things that I can prove my children were here, and they were real. I have pictures, I have footprints, I have memories of them. I felt them move. I watched them grow inside me. I saw their hearts beat on the screen minutes before they were born. They were alive, they were here, they mattered. I am thankful God chose me to be their mother. Some people are not equipped to be mothers to angels. I was sure after Joshua was born and then died that I would die, I didn't see anyway i would live though that pain. Then I lived through is birth, Then the day after I woke up, I woke up the day after that and the one after that and after that. I dont know how I got through the first few weeks. I go back and read what i have written here in those early days and I am not sure who the person is that wrote that. I was in such a fog. After a few months the fog lifted and began to believe I would live through  the pain of losing my son. It would be painful, but I could do it. I didnt have a choice I had 5 kids counting on me. When I found myself pregnant with the girls, I believed things would be ok. The things that happened to me would not happen again. I was a good person and I did all the right things and everything would be ok. Then it wasn't ok. Even when things looked really bad I prayed and believed my girls would be ok. I cried everyday for a week before they were born, I believe that helped me cope with their birth. I was mad I was angry that God had chose me to be their mother. I didn't want to be the mother of more Angels, I wanted them to live. I believed if I prayed enough and wished it enough and believed it enough that it would be so. That I would wake up pregnant or that they would live somehow. I wanted to be the mom that rocked them to sleep not the mom that buried them. I am now thankful for them, I am thankful to be their mother. I am thankful that they felt my love, that they were born to a mother that would wrap them in blankets, hold them tightly and cover them in kisses. I hold their hands and rubbed their toes. Other mothers may not have been able to do that, so I am thankful they got that, even though its not what I wanted.

  Some how this is what I needed, God doesn't really give us what we just want, he does however give us everything we need. We live in a world of sin, God didn't rip my babies from me, sin did. Not my sin. The sin of the world.  I did nothing to cause this to happen, no one caused it, there is no one to blame, except there is evil in the would and we live in a fallen world, their will be heartache and pain until the day God comes back for us. I use to be sad that the world would someday end. I wanted it to wait so I could watch my children grow, so that I could grow old with Jason, so I could see my grandchildren be born. I think differently now. I am waiting, waiting for the day Jesus comes back and wipes me tears away, Takes me from this pain and world full of sin, and to a place where I will forever be with him, and my children. I know God doesn't take delight in my sadness. I know he never wanted this sadness for me. I just have to figure out why I needed to be the mother of 3 angel babies, and what good can come out of this. Everything can be used for the goodness of God. I'm not sure where the goodness is in this right now, I have been thinking on it and how I can make this a good thing. I come up empty every single time.