11 months

11 months. 

How have I survived 11 months with this whole in my heart? There are days that go by and all I've done is sit and think of you. What you would be doing. The sound of your laughter that would surely be filling our house by now.

 The healing you would have brought to our family is more than should ever be put on a child, but I had hopes that the two of you would bring that healing when you were born. Never did I imagine that a bigger hole would be torn instead. 

I never wanted you to be angles. I never wanted you to watch over our family. I never wanted you to keep us safe. 

I wanted you to live as my babies. I wanted to watch over you. I wanted to keep you safe. I wanted to teach you things and watch you grow. 

Things didn't go as planned. You left too early, we had to say goodbye before we had a chance to say hello. 

I miss you girls like crazy. I just want to hold you somedays. Others I just want to see your sweet face. 

One day it will happen. I just have to wait one day Jesus will call me home and you will be there waiting at the gate. 

I saw a beautiful picture of a rainbow today and it reminded me of the blessing you were. A double rainbow after a storm. I will never understand why you were taken from me. I will never understand why there is so much pain in this world. I'm glad you never experienced the pain of this world. But selfishly wish you were here with me. I know your not alone there. I know your brother was there to meet you when you Walked through the gates of heaven and into Jesus' arms. 

I know the three of you were watching over Landon when he was in Intensive Care. 

I know y'all welcomed Meredith with open arms as we had to say goodbye to her much too soon. Much in the way we said goodbye to you. 

I know your ok and I know you are not sad. I know you don't miss me, because there is no sadness in heaven. I know you a fully formed and Jesus finished knitting you together in heaven. I'm sorry I couldn't hold you long enough for him to finish you here. 

I love you Joshua, Faith and Hope. To the moon... To the moon. 

Who is 1 in 4

Statistics say that 1 in 4 women will have a pregnancy loss in the 2nd or 3rd trimester.

 

When I was apart of an online community for women due in May when I was pregnant with Joshua I always made sure I posted how sorry I was when someone lost their baby early. But in the back if my head I was thinking. If it's them then it's not me. When I entered into my 2nd trimester and since I had never had a loss that far before I just "knew" I would be ok. When the other ladies would post about losing babies I was again very sorry but I didn't get it at all. Not really. Then it was me. And I found out it happens to 1 in 4 women. So when I found out I was pregnant with my girls, made it past the first 12 weeks, then I saw were there were some ladies with later losses and I had 2 thoughts. 1. It's already happened to me so it won't again. And 2. If it's happening to them it won't be me this time. I'm not 1 in 4 twice.... Then I was. 

So when my sister got pregnant I (as always) found out when her baby would be viable (24ish weeks). And prayed she make it just that far. Every day after that mark would be a great joy. I also had no fear she would have a loss like mine. I mean if it's truly 1 in 4 and in our immediate family there are 4 women than I am the 1. No one else just me. I am the 1 in 4. We can't both be the 1 in 4. So when she made it to 12 weeks I knew she would be fine. 

I was wrong. 

I don't know when the day was when numbers were pulled for this 1 in 4 but apparently something went wrong and we both pulled a 1. 

I wish I was the only one that knew this pain. I wish the bond I have with my sister I didn't have. I wish... I wish... I wish. 

I don't know the answers to what happens next all I know is what happens now. And now we love each other through our pain and try to let those who love us in enough to help us when we can't help our selves. 

Anger

This is possibly the 5th post with the message of how angry I am. This is a different anger though. I am at a point of not understanding. I am in a place where nothing makes since. 4 babies in less than 2 years. Actually it's 4 in 18 months. I want some answers. 

I have not lived a perfect life no one has. I have made really big mistakes. But my sister no she has lived her life for God for as long as I can remember. She's not perfect but she is someone that I strive to be like. She is the example of a Christian woman. And a wonderful mother. She deserves to be able to raise her baby girl. It's not fair. 

Stronger

My sister Heather is the strongest person I know. Not one of, no she's at the top. 

When Joshua was born and the hospital told me that there was a place that buried babies for free I was devastated when I found out that we couldn't go to the actual service, that there wasn't one it's held in November every year for all the babies at one time. I didn't think we had another choice, but I did. 

My wonderful nurse told me that some places do infants at a massively reduced rate. So my family took charge and found the one that my mom used for her mother has a great program for infants. 

I refused to go to the funeral home. I cried when I knew Heather was there planning my childs funeral. But I didn't have it in me to go. She picked out my childs eternal resting place. She ordered the flowers. She talked with the pastor. 6 months later when we ordered the marker I cried the whole time we were there. My other sister didn't live close by, but still managed to arrange food for us after the service. 

My plan was today that I would return what my sister did for me and I would plan her daughters funeral. My sister is stronger than I am. She went. She sat and planned her baby's funeral. She picked the marker and ordered the flowers. After that she spoke with our pastor. 

I held it together while we were there but I have no idea how she did it. I am amazed at how strong she is. 

But she is not alone. I will be there for her when she needs me to be and I will step back when she needs me to. 

More than we can take.

Life... It's more than I can take right now. Our family has been hit again and hard. I do not understand what is happening. I do not understand why and I know I am not suppose to, but Damn man my heart can't take much more of this pain. 

Watching my little sister go through what I went though is almost as hard as going through it. 

To my Sister Heather and my Brother Jason. I love you. Meredith is a beautiful baby, thank you for sharing the time you had with her with me. To hold her was an honor. 

Aunt Crystal loves you sweet baby girl! 

Update on Landon.

Landon is at home. We came home yesterday. He has to take it easy but is expected to make a full recovery. He has a dr appointment on Monday. He said today that his voice sounds funny. It sounds the same to me. But maybe he hears it differently. He still is very tired and sometimes looks spaced out a little. Time will heal these things. Lots to talk to at the dr Monday for sure. 

Accidents Happen

Triggers... this post is about my living children.

Some people may find my heading going into this post a little weird. However it is something we in the baby loss community understand. The need of a warning that what you are about to read is about a living child. If you don't understand that is ok, that just means you are incredibly lucky.

My Kids

I have five living children. Most everyone who reads the blog knows that already. Some of them came into the world early and survived their premature births. Some are so healthy its scary. They are all so special in many different ways.

A Freak Accident

On Saturday morning we got up early and went to the church, we were having a Dad and Daughter Fishing Trip and a Mother Son pancake breakfast. We had a great time. Later that afternoon we took the kids back to the church to play on the ball field. Its something we have done before when they want to go hit some balls, they all have a love for sports so we hit balls in the back yard, but we have lost about 6 in the ditch that runs behind our house since we have had so much rain, when one falls in there it gets swept away. So we decided just to go to the ball field instead.

Landon is 7 years old, he has just finished the 1st grade and loves to play sports. He was on the pitchers mound, the ball was hit and it was a line drive. Landon is also slightly ADD and turned his head to look at something. When he did the ball hit him in the head. On the right side. Turning his head was very dangerous. Its one reason ball players have to be so focused. Eyes on the ball at all times. Know where that ball is coming to. It may have also saved him. I do not think he would have been able to catch that ball even had he been paying attention. I am not sure if he could have moved fast enough if he would have seen it coming. What I do know is that if that ball would have hit him in the face or front of the head, things would be much worst than they are now.
I say that typing this out from the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit, watching my baby sleep, hooked to monitors and an IV and a blood pressure cuff.

From Saturday to Monday

Saturday when we arrived at the hospital we were separated from Landon. There was a team of 12 or so doctors waiting on us. We went to fill out the paper work. I am convinced that the paper work it to take you mind away from the fact that they just took your baby from you and you have no idea what is going on. I hope one day they learn that doesn't work on moms like me. They handed me my insurance card and I asked to be taken to my child. I was told I would have to wait. I immediately asked why and then asked to speak with the charge nurse. The charge nurse, explained that Landon was in CT and when he got back from his scan she would come find me, That I did understand and I knew she would have no trouble finding me, because I wasn't moving from that spot. (she did however tell me to stay close by... um ok). We were taken back to see him and he was sleeping, was hooked to a lot of monitors and looked like he was hurting. The doctor came in and said that he had looked at the scan and he did have a bad fracture. The surgeon would look at the scan and decide if he needed surgery on his skull and brain. That was a long 20 minutes. They decided he didn't need emergency surgery and that he was stable enough to be moved down the road to the children's hospital. We were separated again for more paper work, I got very annoyed because he was in the PICU and that is a locked unit, so there was no way to get in until they came to get me. It took about 30 minutes. He looked so little and helpless laying in that big PICU bed with all the hook ups on him. Jason and I let my parents go see him, his aunts, and his sister and her boyfriend since they were old enough. The PICU has an age requirement of 14, so Maddie is the only one old enough to go back. Jason went home for a little while for a shower and a nap. At 230 am on Sunday morning when I was alone in the room with Landon and it was all quite, it hit me. My baby could have died.

Sunday at 4am the PICU doctor came in along with the brain surgeon. They agreed he needed a follow up scan and we would go from there. They listed his status and Critical. At 6 am Jason was back at 730, he was having his CT scan. It was a very long day of, not knowing what was happening. Our Pastor and Children's Pastor came and prayed with us. That afternoon the Surgeons decided he would not need surgery, The bleeding on his brain had stopped and he was left with some bruising on the brain, and a very extensive fracture, forming a star on one side where the ball hit and running across his forehead. They told us he was still in very serious condition. The kids were upset that they couldn't see him. I went home and got some clothes and took a shower. Jason left at 10 to go home with the other kids. It was another long night, the nurses came in every hour to check his eyes and wake him up to ask him his name.

Monday at 8am, Jason was back, he made sure our oldest son Collin made it to camp and then the other kids were with my mom. Landon had been awake for about 30 minutes before falling back to sleep. Lights hurt his eyes, tv hurts his head, sound hurt everything. So we sit and rub his head and feet and legs, to let him know that we are here and that we love him and that we will not leave. The hospital has 2 family rooms with washer and dryers. Snacks and drinks, I had spilled some coffee so I had to wash my clothes. Jason went and got us some lunch. Landon continued to make improvements in waking up and talking to us. He kept down some peach slices and his STATS were great so they discharged him from PICU to the peds floor. That's a big step and one closer to going home. He shares a nurse with 4 other kids instead of the one on one he had in the PICU and that ok cause either Jason on I will be with him. His face started to swell but they say that is normal. He is tired and they say that he is healing.

Tomorrow is Tuesday and we are going to try walking. They have said to go home, he has to eat and take oral pain meds with out throwing up. We will be here a few more days.

Landon will have to be careful, no sports for a year. Follow ups with a few doctors and lots of rest for the next 6 months. I am not sure how we are going to deal with School and PE yet, I have a little bit of time before I have to figure all of that out.

 

Happy Mothers Day.

I don't believe Mother's Day will ever be the same for me.

 I am always a little sad everyday. There is never a day that I don't think about my children, about what today would be if they have lived, what would my nights be like. Nights are hard because I know I would have been up taking care of little ones, so sleeping is hard. I don't want to sleep I want to be awake changing diapers and nursing my babies. There is never a moment I forget.

 

On Mother's Day last year I wrote how I was grateful that our church didn't hold baby dedication that day. That I was able to go to church and not have to sit though the baby dedication. This year we did though and I was ok. I cant say I wasn't scared at how it may go, or how I may feel, because as it was I should have had my girls to dedicate to the church today too. I should have been up there with Faith and Hope. And yes I had that thought. I also had the thoughts of how beautiful baby Mallory was today sitting in our pastors arms. He choked up a little while expressing his love for children. I realized then that even though my children died he loved them that way too. I cried. I wasn't the only one though, and I cant say I know why everyone else was crying, but I can say that I was crying for two reasons.

One I am sad. Sad that my children are not here with me and that they will never be here with me. I will however be with them one day.

Two I am happy. I am happy that this baby will grow to know the Lord and that I have a part of that. I am apart of her church family, Just as all the other children in the church. I will help her know Jesus in Children's Church, I will help teach her to pray, I will teach her God's love.

I wish I was able to teach those things to Joshua, Faith and Hope. 

 

I am in a different place this Mother's Day than I was last year. I was pregnant last year with the girls. I had not found out myself yet though.

 

I will never be the person I was last year. I have grown and I am more open to things I would have never been open to a year ago. I am thankful for everything I have learned though losing my babies, but I would still chose to have them with me. I would still chose for myself and have them here on earth with me. Selfish? yes it is and that is OK. 

He's got Today.

Today I can not say was the best day of my life, but it wasn't the worst either. I know that even though it was an expected date this would have never have been his birthday. And in a strange way that comforts me.

My new job as a children's director in my church has taken off. We have a lot of events planned. We have had many meeting and many more to go. We are just starting on this road. It's exciting and challenging. It's made me think a lot about where I stand with God. I've said before I am not mad at him. I do not believe he stole my children. They were always his, he just in trusted me with them while they were in earth. And even though It was such a short time I am glad it was me. 

I have thought sometimes why he would put so much pain in my life so close together. That somehow this would have been easier has it happened when I was younger or between living children instead of back to back. And then my pastor cleared it all up for me. Though it took me 2 weeks to understand what he said was true. God has no past no future. Time for us is leaner because that's how we understand life. For God everything is now. 15 years ago for us is now. 15 years from now for us is now. So I understand, everything that has Happened and will happen is happening right now. Like I said it confused me for 2 weeks. But I understand now. 

I'm sure I don't have all the answers. I'm sure a child will ask me a question that I don't know the answer to and I will answer with "That's a great question, let's find the answer together". I'm sure I am going to learn as much if not more from them than they will from me. I am sure God lead me here or I would have ran far far away from this job. I'm sure I'm going to love it and hate it. I'm sure it's going to bring more joy into my life. I'm sure that it's scary to start new things. I'm sure it's worth it. And lastly I'm sure God is with me. He's got this, even if I don't. Even when I doubt my ability to do this he knows. He has this. He has me. 

Triggers

Triggers what does it mean?

I see that word and it has multiple meanings for me. 

At one point it might mean I have a migraine and something I ate triggered it (pork). 

I read it at the top of a post in my loss group and I know that they are either announcing a pregnancy or birth of their rainbow. 

A trigger for the Baby loss community looks different for everyone in it. It may look different for every person every day. 

When Joshua died I couldn't even look at my own maternity clothes they just reminded me that I wasn't pregnant with him. I leaked for a while after he was born when I heard a baby cry. My triggers that lead to me crying in the bathroom at target included walking past a baby's sock. It was a very painful time to be me. And I suspect even around me. 

When Faith and Hope were still safely tucked inside my womb, I has thoughts of how healing having twins was since I had lost Joshua. I still had issues with stores so I looked on line. When they died my triggers were not only that of Radom baby things but now included all things twin. Even the off chance of catching a re-run of Sister-Sister hurt. I was set off by little girls who looked alike or who were not twins but were dressed alike. Same out fit, same bow, different colors. All I could think was, how I was robbed of the chance to parent my children.  

As my grief had changed so has my triggers. I still stair at pregnant women and hope their babies make it. I pray every night that my sister brings her baby home from the hospital healthy. I can online shop for her. I haven't tried to go to the baby store yet. I may try.... I may order. I can hold babies, but I don't want to put them down or give them back. I still feel robbed. Cheated. Shorthanded. But it no longer keeps me a prisoner of my home. I am no longer crying in the bathroom at target. 

One day I may be able to see a child who was born when my babies should have been born as not think of how much I miss them. One day I may wake up and not immediately think of how unfair this all is, one day one day. 

But for today I'm still here. Still knowing that in 20 minutes It will be Joshua's would be 1st birthday. The day we had circled on the calender. The day he was due to be born. 

So if I seem a little scattered and I don't pick up the phone, it's because my arms are aching to have what now only my heart can hold. Be paient with me while I grieve the loss of what today will never be.