Diapers

I can't sew. I never learned. I took a class in high school and put together a pillow. A heart shaped one. I can replace a button and repair a seam by hand. But that's as far as my abilities go. I can however trace a pattern and cut flannel. So I asked my mom to do the sewing for now and I'm going to learn. But for now I'm tracing and cutting.

Today I cut out about 50 sets of diapers. They are pinned and waiting on mom to sew them together I am hoping to deliver them to Mobile Infirmary with in the month. I am also going to take a sample to the other hospitals here and see if they are interested in them. We are also going to take a sample to UAB when Haleigh goes back for her surgery. They have a huge NICU up there. I'm hoping USA NICU will want them too.

 I loved cutting them out today. I thought about Joshua and how small he was and how I wish I would have had the chance to dress him just once. It makes me sad that I wasn't able to. That there was nothing to put on him. And it makes me happy that I'm able to provide that for another baby and another family.

I didn't take any pictures today. I was so busy cutting. But I will have pictures of our finished diapers. I can't wait to see them.

Change

I've never really liked a lot of change. I like to know what to expect. Surprises scare me, change makes me nervous. So I'm surprised at myself wanting things to change. I want a new start. I'm not sure how to go about doing it though, since I have never wanted it before.

4 years ago change was forced upon us when Haleigh was born and Jason lost his job. We had to learn to live with far less than we were use to, we had to let go of things we thought were important. We had to start over. We are now in a place where we are almost ready to settle down in another home of our own and not a rental.

Question is where?

I would like to keep Madalyn at her high school, but I'm not concerned with the other kids yet. Collin may want to stay at the middle school he's at but I also think a fresh start would be good for all of my kids. I'd really like to move to Saraland. But that's a long drive to west mobile for Madalyns school everyday and I'm not sure she will want to change schools. My 2nd choice is Semmes. They have great schools and the house we are looking at there is not far from their schools at all. My 3rd choice is Wilmer. And really that's just a little past Semmes. But it's still quite and still good schools. I like living in West Mobile but I need room.

I want a garden. I want air. I want a pool. I want to breathe. I want to not be able to throw a Rock and hit the house next door!

I need a change.

I changed my plans today. We had bad weather today so I'm going to moms in the morning to start our project. I'm so excited.

I slept last night. I think it was the rain. I didn't dream. I just slept.

Sunday we are being introduced to the church. Brother David has already requested our membership letters from the other church. I've prayed a lot and made sure I was not changing my membership out of anger. And I can honestly say I want to serve at this church. I believe in what they are doing and I want to be apart of it. I feel God wants me and my family to be apart if it.

Aden loves it there and Friday he's going to a kids lock in. He's excited about church. If you know Aden then you know he gets excited about exactly 2 things: Football and Hunting, so for him to be excited about church is amazing. Collin has signed up to go to youth summer camp. I will get details on that Sunday at the meeting, but he loves The Lord and I believe he will grow and become a mature follower of Chris,t but I need help with him. I don't have all the answers to the questions he has and I believe this church will help me help him grow. Madalyn is a little harder she hates change more than I do. She is not so sure about this church or any church, but she's going. She's trying and I believe that she will get there she just needs time. And I will give her that time. Landon and Haleigh although very young have taken to the church and people there more easy than I ever thought would happen.

It helps me that my sister is there every week and I see her and the example her and her husband set as Christians is amazing. They are truly walking with The Lord and it shows in every step they take. My parents are there a lot and for my kids to see their grandparents in church makes it mean more to me and I hope to them as well.

Families use to all go to church together more and I'm understanding why now. We need each other. For the times in our lives when everything is good we need each-other to Celebrate with, when times our bad we need each other to hold on to. To help each other up when we fall. To be accountable to each other. And when we are needing a change we are there to support that change and help one another through it. To overcome, whatever has been or maybe together!

That's a family. And there's more than one kind of family. Family is not all blood relation and DNA. Family is so much more than that.

Harder to sleep.

I've been sick this week. Generally speaking we are a healthy family. I believe Haleigh was introduced to some kind of flu while at the hospital. She was the first to be sick followed by Collin, Landon, Aden, Jason and myself. How Madalyn has not been sick is a mystery, but I hope she stays well. Everyone is getting better I still have a couch. Collins turned into an infection. But still it's not as bad as it was. I had no warning actually I was fine Saturday and I thought the kids were all feeling some better as well. Jason was at his worse that day though. But Sunday morning I woke up at 530am shaking from fever. It took all I had to get out of the bed and find some meds. 2 hours later my fever finally broke and I was able to sleep. My wonderful daughter came home from her friends house to watch the other kids so I could rest and just "be sick". I'm still sick but at least there is no fever. I'm just dizzy and can't sleep. Probably from the meds they don't say day or night time but they are keeping me up. I'm afraid of becoming dependent on sleep aids so I won't even take the night time meds. That may sound crazy but I don't want to need pills. And especially if I found ones that would make me not dream, I'd be hooked for sure.

I dream of Joshua all the time. It's impossible not to. It never goes the way it really went though. Sometimes he's born big, healthy, screaming. Just the way a newborn should be. Just as we are getting ready to leave the hospital the nurse tells me I can't have him home with me. No one takes babies home anymore she says. Sometimes it's all happy and those dreams are the hardest to wake up from. I like being in that dream. Holding him rocking him to sleep, but when I wake up those are the hardest mornings and my roughest days. Because I realize its all been a dream and he's gone. Some dreams I can't repeat because they are awful, those are the ones that make my heart race and I wake up in a sweat. Some nights I don't dream at all, because I don't sleep at all. I'm not sure if fear of dreaming is keeping me awake or something else but I've got to find away not to lie awake for hours in end only to never fall asleep. It's not caffeine I rarely drink anything except water, so who knows. Eventually I will sleep hopefully it's not at an inconvenient time.

I hope to feel good enough tomorrow to go see my mom. We are going to start working on a project. Hopefully that goes as planned.

Showing you Care

I've learned so much about the art of caring and showing it over the past almost 7 weeks. I know I'm a better more caring, understanding, positive person since the unthinkable happened. And I know how to better respond when anything tragic happens. Not just death, but any tragic event. I've been shown more empathy and caring than ever before. Maybe not by everyone who I would have thought would have shown it, but thinking back and even now I have been very well taken care if.


Jason has grieved in his own way and that way is very different from my way, but even as hurt as he's been he's always been right there with me. I've never had to cry alone if I didn't want to. He's pushed at just the right times and he's pulled back at all the right times. He's the only one who truly knows what kind of loss Joshua's death was to me. Because it was his loss too. Joshua was his baby just as much as he was my baby. Jason loved Joshua as much as I did, he hurts as much as I do.


My mom and dad Joshua's grand parents have been here when ever I needed them. They were there in the hospital to comfort me, took care of my older kids. Helped plan the services and helped me through that day. I'm not sure I would have made it back to my car without them. I wish I would have let my mom stay in the delivery room, my mind was not right. If I would have thought it I would have invited her to stay.

My sisters have been there to listen to me whenever I needed. Helped my parents make service arrangements, cook us dinner, and watch my children.

My whole in law family took time off to come comfort us through the service. And they were here when Joshua was born. Cleaning my house watching my children.

I've had 2 awesome friends bring us dinner. And some who just didn't know what else to do so they sent us cards. Some even sent us a gift card In case we needed something.

The people praying for us, our Pastor who called every couple days to check in and make sure I was taken care of has been amazing. We have had the flu going around the past week and he's called twice to check in. That's caring.

That's how you show you care. You be there. You show up when it counts. You make the calls. You drop by. You send a card. You send a gift. You make meal. You take time out and you help the ones who are in need. To me it's common since. These are things you just do.

I am thinking I may have misjudged some people as it turns out some people that I've been quite angry with may not have known, but I'm confused at how they didn't receive the message. And I'm just not ready to address that yet. I'm not sure I will be anytime soon. I'm still hurt by the ones who I know knew. I hope that makes since in some way.

Day 4

I completed day 4 in the devotional today. It really is hard to do them. Today was about how others have reacted and how I would have liked them to react and how I would like for others to act now. I have to say its made me realize how few friends I really have, but at least I know who my real friends are.

I'm excited about next week my mom and I are cutting out and sewing our first Teeny Tears Diapers. I haven't heard back from Children's hospital yet but if I don't I'm going to stop by with a few sets and my contact information. Maybe once they have it infront of them they will be more wanting to talk to me. I have been told Mobile Infirmary will accept the diapers and I'm waiting to hear how many sets they need per year. I want to contact Springhill and Providence as well. But for my healing I need to do Mobile Infirmary first. I hope this project turns into great healing for me. I know it's only been 6 weeks and in grief time that is really a short time. But I feel so drawn to do this. The hardest part I believe will be the actual donating of the diapers. The going to the hospital and talking to people and dropping them off, knowing the pain the mothers will be in. I hope in some small way they help the families feel attached to their babies and see them as a whole person. I saw Joshua as a full person. But I've read where others didn't see their baby as complete, I hope this helps with that.

I have to think maybe that's what other people may have thought about Joshua. being that I was only 19 weeks medically what happened was either a miscarriage or a Termination. Any birth before 20 weeks is called a miscarriage, but because I was given medication to speed up delivery (already in unstoppable Labor) my hospital paper work said "induced Termination, pregnancy complicated by preterm rupture of membranes" (nice uh)

Anyway I sometime feel since I was not further along or since Joshua was not "viable" (another term I hate) or since he never came home that other people don't see him as a person. That other people don't see him as a baby that was born and died. That his life was not important and had no meaning. I guess that's why these diapers are so important to me. They will go to another baby with a card that has Joshua's name on it. I want everyone to understand that he was real. He was a person, he was my child, he had a name! Joshua was important he had meaning. I wanna scream that sometimes. My baby's life meant something!! This will give him a greater meaning, this will help others see him as a person.

6weeks 3weeks

Yesterday marked week number 6 since Joshua's birth. Man it seems like so much longer than that. I've been through so much that I never thought I would go through and still be standing. But I have made it to the 6 week mark and here I am, a completely different person, but still standing. I think about how my other children were at 6 weeks. It's not hard to think back to exactly 6 weeks because I always had my check up at 6 weeks. Madalyn was holding he head strong and eating a lot. Sleeping a little longer at night and awake most of the day. Collin was starting to wake up more but was still up every 4 hrs at night and I was so tired. He also had reflux. Aden had only been home for a week and I was so nervous with him and the apnea monitor. I was very protective. Landon was still in the NICU at 6 weeks and I will never forget the nurse who asked why I didn't bring the baby to my appointment. I told her he was still in the NICU and she had no clue what to say. Haleigh was already having blood work and test to see why she was still not growing and this is also when I found out my milk was making he sick. So 6 weeks with Joshua and he's not here do my memory will be what? That I am so tired, that I missed him today? Just is so unfair, that I don't get to make memories with him.

I didn't have a 6 week check up I went in at 3 weeks to get help. So it's been 3 weeks on the pills and I believe they are really helping especially with the obsessiveness. It's hard to explain how one goes from, not really caring that the house is always clean, to feeling like your coming out of your skin because a cup is dirty. I'm not sure why my mind decided to focus on cleaning as a coping skill but it did. I know that when I left for the hospital there were so many things that were on my to do list and they had not been crossed off that day. So the house was a mess. When I got home 4 days later the same clothes sat in a chair needing to be folded. There were dishes to be done the bathroom was a mess and my room looked like a bomb went off. And we needed to put up our Christmas tree. I decided to sit and fold clothes I didn't stop until they were all done then Jason vacuumed. We put the tree up and went to bed. The next morning the dishes were there and I did them. I washed clothes and matched socked. It kept me busy all day. By Monday every piece if clothing was washed, dried, folded and put away and the kitchen was always cleaned. My room was getting there. I worked like a robot for 3 weeks. When I went to the dr he asked me if I had any behavior changes and I told him about my cleaning. He said it was Post Traumatic Obsessive Disorder. It's all about being in control. Some people try to control their kids 100% of the time or their spouse or their job. My brain decided to control the cleaning. I have cleaned all the clutter and the house looks great. My meds have helped me in these last 3 weeks to resist the urges to wash dishes 16 Times a day or to wash clothes as soon as they are off my body. There are actually 2 loads needing folding right now. I'm proud that I was able to let go enough to sit and not fold them.

I still can't go without vacuuming everyday. But it's not 3 times a day. I still can't leave dishes behind and go to bed but I can leave lunch dishes until dinner. I still can't go a day with out washing all the clothes but I don't have to rush and fold while still warm.

I know it may sound crazy and that's ok. Because this is part of the new me. Part if my new life and my new normal.

Busy

Today is Thursday and we all know how I feel about Thursdays. But today was a bit different. My children have been sick this week and home from school. Today Jason and I both felt drained from being up all night all week giving breathing treatments and fever meds. So we slept most of the day. It's wasn't until I was sitting after dinner and writing out school notes that I realized it was a Thursday, I'm not sure if it was I good thing I'm sure in some ways it was.

First not thinking about what day it was I got out of the house for the first time this week and it was a beautiful day. I went to my oldest child's softball practice, sat in the sun and watched her run. I was not surrounded by people but was not alone. The sun brightened my mood and have me a lift today. I'm sure if I had realized it was Thursday I would have just stayed home.

But I feel bad that I didn't remember. Maybe since its been 6 weeks I am now only going to remember the 13th of every month as bad and hard. Then maybe it will after a year be only the 13th of December. Maybe that's what people mean by it gets better with time. Because I honestly believe that the whole time heals all wounds is a compleat lie! I think maybe its just that we realize we can't hide away forever and that even though we don't want to we must get out of bed and we must try to live a life close to what we had before. Though it will never be the same. We know we have to try. So we put on a happy smile and go face the world with our hearts still crushed, but do we feel better...no not really.

We try to stay busy. Too busy to think about what day it is. To busy to remember every second of everyday that our baby is gone. To busy to miss him. Too busy to cry.

Pioneering Surgery Seals Ruptured Birth Sac

Pioneering Surgery Seals Ruptured Birth Sac

Amazing Maybe one day no babies will die from pPROM!!!!

Forgiveness

I wish I was more like Christ when it comes to forgiveness. We are suppose to as Christians to forgive the way God forgave us.... Completely with an open heart. But I am not God I am human. I am flawed, so it's hard for me to forgive those who have hurt me, betrayed me, and turned from me. So what as a Christian am I suppose to do. Forgive anyway. As hard as it is for me I know I must.

Forgiveness doesn't mean that I will forget or that the wrong was not done. It means I am choosing to let God judge others and the wrong they have done but its not for me. I choose to let go of the hurt, the pain, and the anger that others have caused and give it to God. I don't have to be friends with them because I forgive them. I don't have to even speak to them or tell them I forgive them. I just have to let go forgive them and move on.

It's sad when you loose friendships, but sometimes something are just not meant to be. That's a lesson I've learned well over the past 6 weeks. Some people are not meant to stay in your life forever. Some people are only meant to pass through your life. And maybe return later. Sometimes maybe God is not saying "no never" but is just saying "no not now". It's hard to know the difference and unless you have a personal relationship with God it is impossible to know what he's saying and even with the relationship you need to really pray and then listen.

It's been hard for me to pray over the past 6 weeks. I prayed for 2 days for a sign in what to do after my water broke and he sent one. Then I prayed for God to some how make my baby the first at survive at 19 weeks but that was not to be. It was not an unanswered prayer. The answer was just no. And that's hard to understand. Because I know God wants me to be happy, he doesn't want me to hurt. Yet I'm hurting and sad. I prayed for the strength to hold Joshua and to bury him. I prayed to wake up from the nightmare I'm in. But after about a week I stopped praying and I'm not sure why. I am not angry at God. This was his plan. It is not something he did "to me". It was just part of the plan for my life. I don't know why my plan had to have such heart brake, and it's not for me to understand.

I have hope though that the sorrow in my life is over and that there are brighter days ahead of me. Not only for me but my whole family, we've been through so much, we need happiness, we need Grace.

Another day

I had a pretty good day today. I guess my days sometimes run together. I am out of the fog and I have come to terms with the fact that no matter what my baby is gone. Haleigh say it today. "I want to see Joshua" yes baby me too I answered her. She doesn't understand how final death is. I told her he's in heaven and we can't go until Jesus calls us there. Then we will see Joshua. She was so looking to be a big sister. And she will always have Joshua as a little brother. But not the way we pictured it to be.

I feel like sometimes I'm at a stand still I don't know what to do with my time. I am really not sure what I use to do before. I mean I know I was tired and busy but I don't know what I did all day. I sit hear with my clean house and wonder what I'm suppose to be doing. I don't know how to get back to my life. I really don't think I will ever get back completely. I need something to do and I had decided to wait to start doing anything with the diapers until next fall when the kids restarted school, but I'm thinking now it may be a good idea to start now. So that I have something to do. There is just so much of my time that is left doing nothing and that's the time I have the hardest time.

It's been 6 weeks and now I'm just lost and I have no idea if this feeling is normal or not. I've thought about the face to face support groups but i don't know if I want to go and sit infront of people who I do not know and cry and see them cry. I am not sure that will help me. Then again the other people who do go, go for a reason. So maybe it would help.