The Small Things Mean the Most

Today I got an email back from the head of Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, the organization that came and took pictures of Joshua for me in the hospital. They say you should receive the cd by 6-8 weeks and its been 10 and a half and I haven't gotten mine yet.

I tried to call the photographer and e mail her and never got a response. I'm glad the people at head quarters are helping me contact her. I don't care if the pictures are perfectly edited I just want them especially the one of me Joshua and Jason together. I don't have one like that. I said in my other post that I wish I had new pictures of Joshua and while I didn't get to take new ones of course.

My sister Jessica had taken a few that I had never seen and she sent them to me tonight. I love them. Their is one close of his face from an angle that I don't have. As well as a couple of Jason's mom holding him. I didn't have one of those either. I'm grateful for these small tokens. It's proof that he was born and lived and was here and was (is) very much loved.

I've always had a lot of pictures if my children. I took so many and took them to be made. I never wanted to forget how very small they all started out as. But Joshua's are so much more than just pictures they are his life.

They are all I have left.

The smallest things:

A picture, a blanket, a ring, a footprint, a single name on a necklace. They mean the most.

Teeny Diapers.

Here are some more finished diapers.

And some I cut out tonight.

As The Days Go By

I find myself confused some days. I know there will be days that are better than others but its weird. One day I will be great in a goofy mood. Joking around and happy. Then their are days that I hurt and I try to hide how much pain I am in so I sleep.

Then their are days like today when I just miss my baby. When I want to hold him so bad. When my arms ache just to touch my baby. That has been the past two days I'd do just about anything at the moment for a quick touch of his face. A simple kiss on his head.

Oh I just miss my baby.

Photo Edit

I've been playing with the photo editor. I'm sad that I will never get new pictures of Joshua. There are poses I would have taken had I not been in shock.

Love

I have feelings of overwhelming love sometimes. And sometimes it's hard to express it in words or even in actions. It's even harder since Joshua died.

I tried so hard to show Joshua a life time love in only a few hours. I hope that he felt how much I loved him in the weeks I carried him and in the hours after his death.

But I can't help but think "did I show him enough. Did I kiss him enough? Did I count his fingers and toes enough? Did I hold him enough? Did I take enough pictures? Did I spend enough time with him? Should I have spend another hour with him? Another day?"

I can't change it now but I hope I did it right. I hope he felt how much I loved him and how very much wanted he was.

So I try to show my other children just how much they mean to me. I try to make sure they realize that I love them more than anything. I try to spend more time showing them how much I love them and more time interested in what they are doing. I hope they know how I feel, but I can never be sure.

I try to express it with my husband my mom and dad my sisters. But sometimes it's hard to explain just how much they mean to me and how empty my life would be without them.

9 weeks 6 days

Tomorrow will be 10 weeks since Joshua was born. I had to count 3 times because I just can't believe it's been that long. I had to count because I never moved beyond 8 weeks I've been saying 8 weeks for 3 weeks now. I think part of it is because I'm still waiting on my Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep pictures to come and I was told 6-8 weeks. I'm going to call tomorrow and see what the hold up is. I don't mind if they don't come for another few weeks I just want to know we were not forgotten about.

I was 19 weeks and 4 days when Joshua was born so I would be 29 weeks now. Landon was born at 30 weeks so I think he would weigh about 4 pounds now. He was just 10 ounces when he was born.

I miss him so much, I still hurt everyday. I still think of him everyday and miss him everyday. But things are different. I don't cry everyday. I no longer need to talk about Joshua all the time, I no longer need to look at his pictures for hours everyday. I do think about other things and no longer feel guilty about doing so. I guess that means I'm healing. That God is allowing me to heal. I will never "get over" Joshua's death. And I will forever miss him. I wish so badly to have him here with me. And I know it's selfish of me. He's in a perfect place, he's never felt pain or had to deal with this imperfect wold yet I wish him here anyway. Just for me to hold.

God understood what I was praying for when I begged him not to take Joshua, but he answered me by saying that Joshua was just to great for earth. I selfishly wanted to carry him even after my water broke. I knew the risk. I knew he would most likely be handicap in some way ranging from mild to server. I knew he could die anyway even if I made it to viability. I knew I could have complications including dangerous infections and bleeding. I selfishly was ready to give up my life for him. Some may say that it was not selfish at all, but it really was.

First I was not thinking of my husband and how it would effect him to be a single dad until I delivered. And that could have been until I reached 34 weeks. I wasn't thinking about my other children and how it would effect their lives to not have their mother around If I died or If I was gone for 15 weeks. I never thought of how it would effect anyone else in our lives. I didn't want to think about the quality of the life Joshua may have had. All I wanted was my baby alive and I had set my mind to seeing that happen. Whatever the outcome nothing mattered as long as he was alive.

God knew that was in my heart and knew that was my plan and knew that I would not let him go easily. He saw what I couldn't. He saw my family would be torn apart by my absents. He saw the strain that would be placed upon my marriage. He saw the life Joshua would have lived. And he saw the life I would live. And that was not his plan. His plan was different than mine and he forced me to give Joshua back to him, before I really ever had him.

Some babies are born after PPROM and you can't tell they were the result if a troubled pregnancy. Others are not as lucky and live a hard life because of handicaps. Then some are angles like Joshua. I am truly happy for all the women who are able to carry their babies longer than I did to give their baby a shot at life. I wish I could have. Joshua was so perfect. Too perfect to stay. I know he is in a place I long to go to one day to meet him. But I still selfishly wish he was here. Handicap or not he would still be so perfect. And I still want him with me.

One day we will be together. I imagine that Joshua is being taken care of by amazing people. People that I know love him and love me. Some that I never met but would have loved my children and are loving Joshua for me until I can get there and do it for myself. I know my Grammy is rocking him slowly. I know my paw-paw Henson is telling him stories. I know my paw-paw Miller is making sure he gets a lot of time with Jesus and is stepping on frogs. I know Jason's grandpa is there but I didn't know him to say what him and Joshua are doing, but I know he's loving him. They've had him for 10 weeks tomorrow. Soon they will have had him longer than I did.

Focus

I've had a really bad emotional day today.

My youngest baby girl has so medical stuff going on and has an infection now ( you can read her blog at Haleighstory.bligspot.com). I'm so overwhelmed at times with everything that I want to hide from everything. Today was one if those days.

I was thinking about Joshua and how hard this all would be if I was still pregnant. See as how I would be 29ish weeks now and that's about the time I start on bed rest. How would I handle Haleigh, infection and being pregnant? I'm not sure, but is like to think I could have handled it with Grace. My thoughts then turned bad. What if the infection doesn't clear up? What If I didn't catch it soon enough? What If something happens to her? What if I have to burry another baby? I freaked my self out pretty good. Don't ya think? So I cried and then I went to hide in the bathroom, I texted my family to pray Id have the strength to do this and cried some more. After that I felt better and watched more Disney movies. And I prayed. Really prayed for the first time in 8 weeks I really prayed. It felt really good to talk to God again.

Fixing lunch I was shaking from my nerves and needed to calm myself. It's difficult to do and takes some time, but after eating I felt somewhat better. I sometimes don't want my kids out of my site at all. I have a fear in the back of my head that keeps trying to come out, that my kids are only safe with me. They are not safe with friends or at school or alone. They are only safe if I'm there. I try to let them go. Like Collin is at his friends house for the 2nd night and Madalyn went to her friends house and is going to church with her in the morning since I can take Haleigh. Aden and Landon stayed next door last night and are mad because I wouldn't let them stay again tonight but I just couldn't let them go. I wanted them home. I want them all home every night and its so hard to say "Yes, go some where without me" but I know they need the time and independence. Just wish I trusted the world a little more.

2 Months

Yesterday was 2 months. I didn't write about it because I was not overwhelmed by sadness. Instead I was more focused on the diapers project. The project is really helping me. It kept me busy on a very hard day and I'm very thankful for that.

I've thought more about it today because I'm not as busy. And it's Valentine's Day and we always buy our children a little something and it was sad as I realized I would never buy my Joshua a Valentine, I will never fill his name out in little cards for school, buy his girl friend a gift or flowers, I will never help him plan a date or watch him get married. It's so hard on these days.

I have plans for so special flowers for him on Easter, but that is again going to be a very hard day.

Valentines Day

Happy Valentines Day to my sweet Baby in Heaven.

Joshua Henson Greer.

Mommy and Daddy
May-May, Collin, Aden, Landon and Hay-Hay love you so very much.

Diapers!!!

My mom came over today with finished diapers. I pined them and goodness they are small. But I know the small would have fit Joshua. And the larger one would have fit Landon when he was born at 30 weeks. So I know there is a need and they will be used. Now I have to actually put Joshua's name card in them and take them to the hospital. It's scary to think about donating them. I am but sure how I will handle going. I think I will probably cry. Actually, I'm sure I will cry. But I know this will being happy tears to other mothers. I'm sad that Joshua doesn't have one. That he was buried with out one. But I also know he was wrapped in his monkey blanket so soft and warm.

We also cut out more boy diapers and blankets for both boys and girls!! I love doing this.