Drained

I feel mostly just tired All the time. You would think I don't get enough sleep but I've been Getting more than I normally do. I still wake up tired. I dink coffee and get tired I nap and could sleep all day yet in tired. I just want to sleep.

These next few weeks are going to be so hard. I think about Joshua more everyday. I would be considered full term on Monday. So 7ish pounds by now. Everything passing day leads me closer to my due date. I catch myself laughing and think I should not be doing that. Having fun with my older children and thinking oh how I wish I could be snuggled with Joshua. I know how bad that sounds.

I wish I was tired because I had a huge belly and couldn't get comfortable. I wish I was tired because I had a newborn who eats every 2 hrs. Or a colic baby who cries. All night, who must be held all day. Any of that is better than this.

New things.

Apart of my new normal life is the overwhelming need to focus on other moms who will sadly loose their babies in the future. Knowing how they will feel and wondering how I could help and thinking what could have helped me.

I know for people who I don't know personally that I will never be able to comfort them in person with visits. But I can provide them something I didn't have. Small diapers. Clothing. The thing that separates us from any other mammal. A small piece of clothing. The first thing most babies wear. A diaper.

So far I have donated 70 sets of diapers. 50 to hospitals in Mobile. The others were mailed to hospitals in other states. I have cut all the diapers. My mom has sewn them together. We've both turned and tied the pairs together and printed Teeny Tears inserts. I have started to Learn to sew so that I can also sew these diapers. I never had any interest before to sew. My mom is going to concentrate on sewing the matching blankets to go with the diapers. All babies have blankets. Angel babies should be no different. They should be wrapped in Love with a cute blanket. After I learn to sew diapers and get good at it and have my stash going. I am going to learn to sew Tiny Hats. All babies need hats on their heads. And I'm able and capable of providing these things for other families.

I hope even though these things will never take the pain of loosing a baby away that it will help the mothers have great memories of their babies in special diapers that fit and not hanging off of them. Wrapped in a blanket made from love. And a hat placed on their head just like all other newborns.

Words

Why do people not think before they speak. Everyone should learn to choose the words they speak carefully. And please say them correctly. Know the difference In what your trying to say vs what comes out of your mouth.

For example.

How are you today? Is a great question as long as your ready for an honest answer. However, What's wrong with you? Is not a good question at all. I can see how they may get confused but if you just stop to think first you will see that it's very simple.

Example 2

Are you thinking of more children? Is an alright question. However, How many more kids do you think you need? Is completely uncalled for and rude.

Example 3

What can I do to help? Great question as long as you really want to help. However, You look a mess and so does your house you need me to help you? Is not appropriate to say to anyone ever under any circumstances.

So please stop a minute and think before you speak to anyone. They may be having a good day and just not look like it and your unthoughtful words may just ruin it.

Mor diapers

Another local hospital will be receiving Teeny Tears Diapers and Joshua's Gift blankets this weekend.

Mobile infirmary was the first in Mobile to have these sweet diapers. And Spring-hill medical Center will be the second. I'm so excited for these hospitals for opening their hearts to this new idea for angle babies. I know their mothers will be grateful they said yes to these donations. Although it brakes my heart to think they will be all used in a year. 24 sets. 24 sweet angel babies.

A Year

A year can be a very long time, a lot can happen over a year. So much can change.

A year ago I never imagined I would be where I am in my life right now. School was coming to close another year. We were finally in a place we liked living. We were gearing up for summer. 9 months ago I was preparing for the school year to begin and planning all Haleigh's activities. Most of that I never got to. 6 months ago I was pregnant and happy. We were just telling our families about the new baby we would be expecting in the spring. I had gotten over the extreme sickness and started feeling normal. The kids were in school and Haleigh had her surgery scheduled.

16 weeks ago so about 4 months I ha to say goodby to my son who I never got to say hello to. In 4 short weeks heaven will have held him longer than I did. It will also be my due date. So I would be 37 weeks now. I've only ever made it that far once before. So my mind is saying. I should have a newborn. But my body betrayed me long ago and he is gone.

I wonder sometimes what his eyes would have looked like. You can tell a lot about a person through their eyes. I know they would have been kind.

These 16 weeks have been so different than I imagined. I stopped teaching Haleigh things. I just didn't have the energy to. I stopped checking my older kids grades on line and let them fall. I haven't paid a lot of attention to what I am doing. I go through the motions of the day with out engaging and interacting with the world. Some days I just feel lost in a world filled with people who don't see me at all.

A way to say goodby

I'm not really sure if I will ever completely say goodby to Joshua. But I am well so many things and feeling leading up to his due date. First I'm scared. Even though I know I would have had him by now because I have my babies on the earlier side. Still that date is one that is in my head as a count down. I'm scared to get to it. Knowing that if I had made it to that day he would have been perfectly healthy and full term. 2nd I'm excited. I know that may seem out if place but May 6th has been running in my head since December 13th so in a way it's like a finish line. I'm not sure how I'm going to do crossing that line I hope I feel more relief in place of all the anxiety I have about it now. And I hope in a way I can say a better bigger goodby to more grief.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do that day. It's a Monday Jason will have to work the kids will be in school. I will probably stay home and cry. I've thought about what I should do for his would be birthday. I've thought about cake and celebrate instead of being completely sad but that makes me feel worse. I've thought about taking some lanterns to the beach and releasing them, I've thought about releasing some balloons at his grave. Anything I do will be the weekend before. The beach would be Saturday te grave would be Sunday. I think if I should take the kids with me and I think it would help them as well.

I wish there was a how to guide. But the reality is that it's different for everyone. No one does grief the same. I just don't understand why this has to be so hard.

Happy Easter

This weekend has been extra hard for me. I'm not too sure why though. Everyday is hard. Friday I went to buy things for Easter. While doing so I bought Joshua an Easter Lily, a yellow egg and bow for it. I took it to him and thought "this is not what I should have gotten my child for Easter" I looked around and thought of some things. A stuffed bunny? It would just get Rained on and dirty. No need for candy. No need for a basket. I was heart broken that forever I will take my baby flowers for every holiday, for ever birthday there will only be flowers. I want to give him so much more than that.



Today we went to an Easter egg hunt that our church was putting on. The kids had a great time. I smiled and some were not even forced but I still thought of how I would never see Joshua hunt eggs. Or even feel grass. There is so much I wanna do with him. And I know I will never get the chance. I really miss my baby. I'm not sure how parents who don't have other kids at home get through the death of their child, because they are the only thing holding me together. They are why I don't give up. My reason for waking up in the mornings.

Happy Easter

5 weeks

If I was to go by the first due date I was given I would be due in just 5 weeks. It's so hard to think of because he would be over 5 pounds and healthy by now. Since my ultrasound pushed my due date back a bit I have a little longer. But it's not any easier. By the time the next 5 weeks are over heaven will have had my son longer than I did. It sucks and it hurts.

I had to give my mom the swing I bought for him. I didn't really want to, but honestly I didn't have anywhere too it it that I would not see it everyday. I had it in the closet and every time I went In there I wanted to sink and cry. So I put it in the truck today and I took it with all the other yard sale stuff to my mothers house. It was hard and I made Jason unload it. I still have his other things they are small and easy to hide away. Tucked at the tip of my closet, just waiting.

I'm hoping to have lost of distractions this May. With softball. School ending and summer coming. But I know that I should have my baby. He should be here all small and squirmy. I miss him.

It goes on and on..... Stuck

When I started this blog I did so to have a safe place to write down my thoughts. So they would stop spewing from my mouth and people would stop thinking I was going to kill myself. That honestly never ran through my head for more than a split second. It was more. "Why can't God take me instead" then I realized it was because I am still needed here to take care of my children and to make sure Joshua's short life would be remembered.

This blog has helped me get things that were rolling around in my head out and in a way heal some. I find I need to use it less. I'm still hurting, but the pain is not as intense as it once was.

I've always had a since of peace over Joshua's death and I think that came From my pastor in part, from the words God lead him to speak to me in the hospital and at Joshua's service. Some of what he said I don't remember and I wish I had voice recorded it so I could remember. I know nothing he said at the grave. Only that he read exactly what I had asked him to. But the church service was different. I listened to him and I felt like the only person in the room and that God was talking to me. Maybe that makes me crazy. But that's ok with me.

Sometimes I think the reason it all happened was so I would be more connected to God. People often need a really good reason to do things. Living right and for God is no exception. Is that the way it's suppose to be? Well no. We. Are suppose to love God and follow him because he loves us. We are suppose to do right because he loves us. But we are human, we are flawed, we live in a fallen world. I now long to be in heaven with Jesus one day. It's a feeling I've never had before. I imagine this is what anyone with faith and has lost a love one feels like. It's not that I want to go to heaven right now it's that I no longer have a fear of dying. There is no fear of the afterlife I know where I'm going and what's waiting there. I know Joshua is there and waiting on me. One day when God calls me home and not a second before I will finally get to hold my son again and kiss his sweet face. The fear of the unknown about what death and heaven would be like has been. Replaced with the joy of knowing when do go that Jesus has a great gift for me there.

I've gotten to a place in my grief that I'm not sure what I'm suppose to be doing. Nothing seems any kind of the same. And I know it never will. I walk by the baby asle at Walmart and I no longer need to run the other way. But I can't shop for other people's babies. I won't be going to the hospital to see any babies and I won't be attending any baby showers. I will not be a nursery worker. Those are all things I use to do. I just can't. The last baby I held is still Joshua and I'm not ready to give that up yet. My arms still ache to hold him. In a way I feel like I'm at a stand still.

Is this it? Is this how in going to feel forever? Is there any other stages of healing I will get to? Am at a stand still it seems.

So while I may not write everyday I do still need this blog. I still need to write down crazy thoughts and get them out of my head. Sometimes they run in a never ending loop and the only way to get them to stop is to write it out.

Life

Life is hard. Life is unfair.

I went to church today. I love going. I feel good when I'm there. I have this overwhelming feeling that God is there and hearing me and liking what he sees there. Sometimes it's an overwhelming feeling of love being poured out of me to God.

I went to Sunday school this morning. First time at this church. The other times I was in a class called growth track. It's. new member class. I only went to half if them and since Jason is signed up for April we are going to restart the classes together.

So to Sunday school I went. I had a good time. I learned a couple things. It wasn't fake. But there were 2 three month old babies and I just wanted to run. I know if he would have been born healthy he wouldn't be 3 months old but I did have Joshua 3 months ago. It's so hard. I didn't expect any babies to be in my Sunday school class. So I will be going to a different one. I just can't handle seeing the smiling, cooing, happiness of these moms and babies, every Sunday. Luckily today both babies were girls.


We made our first in town, in personal donation of Teeny Tear diapers and our first ever donation of Joshua's Gift blankets. It went really well. I had rescheduled about 4 times and it was just to hard some days. But last Friday I was ready. As we were driving I didn't know if I'd be able to get out of the car, but I did and I decided to not think about I was going to labor and delivery but instead think as I was just going for a walk. When I got into the hospital I was thinking. I'm just finding an elevator. I was doing great until we were at the doors and I kinda froze. The manager was coming into the unit though and asked what we needed. All I said before the tears flowed was "a donation". She hugged me and took me back into the brake room. I was able to explain what the diapers were for and the blankets. They were so excited to get them. And I gave them my information to contact me when they need more and they are going to put it in the health magazine they put out 4 times a year. I was also asked to set up and man a table at the Baby Rest ceremony in October. To give diapers to the parents who didn't get one. It's a little overwhelming but also very exciting. All the area hospitals will be there so I'm hopeful that they hospitals will want these and will allow us to donate to them as well.