A week

Happy one week Faith and Hope.

I love you both so much. And miss you more than words can express. 

Praise you in this storm

Casting Crowns 

"Praise You In This Storm"

I was sure by now

God You would have reached down

And wiped our tears away

Stepped in and saved the day

But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear Your whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

I remember when

I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry to you

And you raised me up again

My strength is almost gone

How can I carry on

If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

I lift my eyes unto the hills

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord

The Maker of Heaven and Earth

And I'll praise You in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

And I'll praise You in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

A little understanding

That's what I wish I had a little understanding. I have none.

I don't know why God has planned my life the way he did. I do know that my life was laid out before I was born and that everything that has happened was in his plan. I don't understand what I am suppose to do with the life he's given me. Right now I see my life as a mess and dead end, I don't pretend I know what I'm suppose to be doing or what in the world "free will" has to do with anything if God had my life planned then I can make no mistakes. But I still have choices. Whatever I chose is right. But somethings feel wrong anyway. 

When I was pregnant with Joshua, maybe I was suppose to try harder. Maybe despite my bleeding I was suppose to ask for more labor stopping drugs. Maybe I was suppose to do nothing instead of speeding up labor, maybe the bleeding would have stopped along wit my labor. I don't know, I listened to my drs warring of my death and I took drugs to hurry labor along. 

Maybe I should have gotten a 4th opinion on putting a stitch in my cervix with the girls. The whole time I felt I had a cervical issue. And that Joshua birth was not a fluke. I was right. Maybe I should have pushed harder. Maybe I should have demanded to stay in the hospital after I had been there 4 days with no change. I stayed in be just as I did in the hospital. I didn't do anything different, but maybe the ride home was too stressful. Maybe being home was too stressful. Maybe I should not have taken the suppository that morning. Maybe......maybe......maybe ......

There is no end to it. Now there is more choices to be made. Do I continue to let God plan out family size or do I stop my self. I got a Depo shot in the hospital after asking for my tubes to be tied and them not being able to after the amount of blood I loss during my D&C. I decided on Depo and tubal ASAP. Is that in Gods plan. I had thought I would never get them tied. I also never thought I would burry 3 children in 8 months. I know I can't keep burring children. At the rate I'm going soon I will have more angle babies than live children.  

I realized yesterday I have 8 children. 4 boys and 4 girls. That seems perfect to me. Even all the way around. I think I'm going to keep it that way. I really hope God agrees with me on that.    

A message to my body

I wish I could tell my cervix how much it's hated for not doing its job and for being so weak. I wish I could tell my breast there are no babies so please stop trying to make milk for them. I wish I could tell my stomach to be flat because there will be no more babies growing in there. I wish I could tell my body how mad I am that it failed me and 3 babies.

I wish I could tell my lungs to work better I was given this thing at the hospital after my surgery to suck air through and using it makes my lungs feel on fire but at least I'm not coughing any more. 

I wish I could tell my body to make red blood cells faster so I could stop half the meds I am on. Some of them make me feel off for half the day. 

But of course if my body worked the way it's suppose to then I wouldn't have these problems. I would be pregnant still. Expecting a rainbow. Because if Joshua's water braking was a fluke it wouldn't have happened again. No it wasn't a fluke my body just sucks! 

Where to write

I'm having a hard time knowing where to post my blog now. I started one for my girls that was suppose to be about new beginnings. And well it feels wrong to post my grief there. I know the address to this blog is Joshua's name but this blog is about my grief and since I'm starting over with my journey to finding some kind of happiness I've thought about starting a complete different one but ya know what that just takes a lot of work and time and I don't have it in me. So I've decided to post it here. If one day I come out of this in some kind of happiness Maybe I will post things over there. I will be moving the girls ultrasound pictures and story over from their blog soon.

I miss them. I had only just started to feel them move. I was looking forward to trying to decide who was moving when. I was just letting myself get excited about them. Picking out little clothes. I had not bought them anything. I thought it would be easier not to have anything to pack away. I was wrong. Yes I have a box of Joshua's things that will never be given away or used but I don't have that for my girls. I should have bought them matching Bowes or onesies as soon as I found out they were girls. Just something. But I didn't. But it's not easier because I didn't. 

I've come to realize you can't protect yourself. I tried but I still hurt as deeply as I did when Joshua was born. I still feel the sadness, the loneliness of not having them anymore. The pain of having breast milk and no baby to feed. It's there. Nothing I did protected me from this pain. 

I wish I could hide. I don't want to go out and see people. I want to scream. How is the world still turning? Why has the world not stopped cant the world see I'm in pain. How is it that the world can keep going on like nothing has happened? I still have to get my kids ready for school and they start in 3 days. We should get extra time. They should get extra summer days since the last 3 weeks of their summer has been a nightmare. I know they are hurting. I don't pretend I'm the only one here in pain. But it's hard to be there for anyone else when all you want to do is get in bed and never get out. I try to face the world and its too hard. 

Maybe it's good that the kids are going to school next week they need to e around people who can laugh and have fun with them. Because that surely isn't me right now. After they go to school I won't have to smile all day long. I can show my sadness more. 

My almost 5yr said this to me today. 

Mommy when we have another baby and it dies can we have pink flowers? 

I was so sad. Babies dying is normal for her. She has only been around me pregnant and the babies always die. The only words that would come out of my mouth were "maybe". I wanted to tell her not all babies die. I wanted to tell her it was ok. I just couldn't with out crying so I just said maybe. The truth is I will never be pregnant again. I begged for a tubal while in the hospital and got a Depo shot instead and will be having a tubal soon. I can't burry another child of mine. I'm going crazy now. 3 kids in 8 months have died because of my stupid uterus and cervix. I can't do it again. This is it for me. I will not do this to myself, my living children or anymore helpless little babies. It's not fair to any of us. 

Big Brother

Joshua is a big brother. He has twin little sisters who were born on Tuesday just one day shy of his 8 month birthday. And today we laid them at his feet. I know they are all together, and I know they are in a place that I will be in one day, being taken care of by the family that has gone before us. But I'd rather have them here with me. I'd rather have an 8month old little boy and newborn twin girls and have my life completely crazy than have 3 angles in Heaven. My heart is broken.

Angles Who Walk The Earth.

Today I went to see Joshua on one of my many visits. I was missing him and in the area, I also wanted to see if his headstone had been set. It hasn't. We were told it would take up to 8 weeks. 8weeks was yesterday. I was greatly disappointed that it wasn't there. So I sat for a few minutes, moved some leaves, straightened his flowers. Then a car pulls in, there is normally no traffic there and no one has ever been visiting on the side where I am when I am there. (Is that strange, never thought of it before.) A lady gets out, I look up softly smile and look back down. This is how the next few minutes went, lady-"I'm sorry, I don't mean to disturb you"  me "no it's ok" she walks by me a little then turns and says "is that your baby" I answer "yes" she nods and says "I'm so sorry, I'm here to see my baby too, how old?" I find this questions so hard so I simply say "he was stillborn" she said "oh honey I'm so sorry, it takes a lot of time but the hurt although never goes away will lessen" I thank her any she walks to her sons grave. Stays a few minutes and when she walks back by I thank her again. She tells me her son was 15 and she use to spend hours out there with him. Told me "don't let others tell you how to grieve, that's your baby you grieve how you need to, and that pull you feel in you heart, that's him he's there always." I couldn't speak I nodded again and she turned and left. I don't know how long it's been since her son passed. I didn't look to see what grave was his. I don't know her name or his. But tonight I pray that she can feel and know what a great comfort she was to me today and that one day I may be strong enough to be that person for someone else.

Visits

I visit Joshua often. Most times I'm alone. We also go as a family after church most Sundays, but those visits are short and spent making sure my older children don't run off. I like to go alone and just sit. It's strange how peaceful a cemetery can be. I've never spent much time in one before so maybe that's why I haven't  realized it, but I can sit there in silence and hear the most amazing sounds. The wind blowing, the birds, laughter. Yes laughter. There are a few other babies buried where Joshua is and I have some great friends that have babies in heaven as well. I imagine them playing together watching over us. Sending us rainbows. I sometimes when it's really quite can close my eyes and picture what he would have looked like and sound like laughing. I can't imagine him as a baby though. I'm not sure why. When I dream of him he's roughly 5 years old. Maybe because that's the age when they are the most full of life and laughter. Not yet in school, not really a big kid, but not a baby either. Such a sweet innocent age to be. Just beginning to understand a little of life. I wish I could capture his laugh but I can't. I leave my visits with him mostly in tears. I never feel like I've spent enough time with him there, and now with school being out for summer it's even less. But one day I will get to be with him and see him laugh. One day I will be the one that makes him giggle. Until then his friends and family in heaven will watch him for me. And I will listen.

Just a Dream

A couple nights ago I had a very vivid dream. Joshua was Alive, but I had given him up for Adoption. It was a very painful dream and felt very real.

I had him at the hospital with me and them had no choice but to leave him there. Well that part was the same. Then I saw him with his adoptive parents And I could only look from a window I couldn't get to him. I couldn't hold him and it hurt so much.

When I woke up I wondered "is that how birth moms feel?" " do they feel the pain like I do everyday?" I know it's different. Birth parents (most of them) make a choice and decide to make an adoption plan for their child. They choose not to parent and the choose not to be selfish. Because really adoption is a selfless act of kindness. But in the end the birth mom is still left without the baby she carried and that is the same. It takes an amazingly strong person to choose that and I am not one of those strong people. I could never do what those women choose to do. But in my dream I did and in my dream the pain was just as real as the pain I feel. And it was so real that when I woke up I had to think a minute about where I was , then realizing it was a dream and Joshua is still gone. Still in heaven with his "adoptive" parents. Who I imagine are his great grandparents taking care of him until I can. I may not have had a choice on Joshua leaving here, leaving me and our family to be apart of another place, but I do know that one day we will be together again and on that day I won't hurt anymore. I will feel whole again.

One of those days

Today has been one of those days where I just really miss my baby. When I just want a glimpse of him somewhere. Where I just want to hold him and smell his sweet baby smell. I went to drop Collin off at the church to go to camp since the cemetery is 1/2 a mile up the road I turned left instead of right and went to see him. The headstone is not there yet. I didn't expect it to be yet. My flowers are still there and the grass had just been cut. I sat for a few minutes and talked to him, then left. Leaving him never gets easier and always feels so wrong. I could go everyday but it just doesn't get easier. I don't believe it ever will.
I cried a lot today. I thought about all he dreams I had for him and how different everything is now than it would have been had Joshua lived. I thought about everything that has happened in the past 6 months and my conclusion is it has Sucked. I'm trying for it not to suck so bad and for life to be normal. Even if normal is not what it was 6 months ago. I'm trying to show my children that I'm here still and trying to "move forward" but never moving on. Never forgetting.