Visions

When you were small, do you remember what you visioned your life to be like when you were big? Is that how your life turned out?

I can say my life is nothing like I visioned it would be when I was small. I wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to help sick kids. It didn't matter what kind of sickness they had, I just wanted to help them get better, and in my small eyes that is what doctors did. I also knew I wanted to be a mother. From a very young age I wanted to be a mother, and I wanted a house full of children.

I never imagined that 5 kids would seem like a small amount, I never thought 5 kids wouldn't be a house full. We had actually decided that 3 was full, then came Landon and then we knew we weren't ready to be done, then came Haleigh and we weren't sure. I felt for a long time that we were full with the 5 that we have, but as they grow older I realized that 5 is not a large number of children. It may have been when they were all 10 and under, but now that Maddie is 15 and Haleigh is creeping up on 5 years old. The house seems quieter. Seems bigger, their stuff doesn't take up near as much room as it use to. And I miss them being little. I was prepared to have another baby and then my heart was crushed. I was then preparing to have twins. Mentally it was taking a while and when it sat in I was just starting to look at matching carseats. When I was crushed again.

My Vision of the life I had planned never showed up, but I've always thought I had something better, that my life had turned out the way it was always meant to turn out and even if I never got to save sick kids, at least I get to help my own stay healthy.  I was giving my children life and that was enough. Until now, I just don't see how this is better. This is not what I wanted ever. I never wanted to have babies that were not savable, Babies that would never have a chance at life. I never envisioned that I would hold babies that had died, that I would burry them only a few days after their births. I never imagined I would be so unhappy all of the time.

This is not how my life was suppose to be, it wasn't suppose to turn out this way.

Not ready

As someone who blogs her feelings, and most of her thoughts you would think there is nothing that I hold back. And that is simply not true. There is a whole list of things in a notebook that I am simply not ready to let the world in on. Some of it may never be written here. Sometimes I think...."oh what's the big deal..blog it". Then I think "well because that's too much". It's not too much to write or to think about or to read. It is however to much for my heart to see in print. Too much for me to release. Things I hold on to. Details that are just mine, that I don't want to share with anyone. Just like the clear pictures of my angels that I will not share. Am I ashamed of the way they looked? No never. Am I scared at the way people may react at seeing pictures of babies born so early? No never. That is a simple fact that their pictures are ones of the few things that I have that's just for me and my family I share.

Most people have a life time of memories with their children so sharing a few memories and a few pictures is no big deal. But imagine if you can for just a moment that you only had a very brief time with them. You have a limited amount of pictures and a limited amount of memories and details. All of them happened in less than 48 hours. You would probably hold them close and not let the world in on you most prized memories and pictures. You guard them with your heart. And what you do let out is just the tip of what you experienced. The love you pour out on pages is just the start of the love you feel, for these littlest of angels. The anger you express is just the start of how you feel. 

One day I maybe ready to express some of the things I'm not ready to write about yet. I may never be ready for other parts if it. 

12 Years...... and 1 month

12 Years 

September 11, 2001

I was sitting in our home, without a phone (not everyone had a phone) watching the Today Show, waiting on my two children to wake up, so that we could start breakfast and watch PBS kids, until outside time. I had them going on a pretty set schedule since it was just the 3 of us most of everyday. Jason was driving a truck locally, but gone everyday all day long. The kids were still asleep when the Today Show, started reporting that there had been a plane crash in New York City, The first live footage I saw there was just 1 of the WTCT on fire. It was being reported as an accident and it was a bad one, reports were that there were people stuck on the top floors. Not long after, while still watching the show, we watched live as the 2nd plane hit the other tower. The anchors (Matt and Katie) were silent, they didnt have any more information than I did. They broke for commercial. I went to check on my babies, they were sleeping in today.  I went back to the TV and curled up on the couch. When it come back on, The first thing I remember them saying was "this was no accident". I saw the burning buildings, I couldnt turn it off, they said they were grounding all flights, they said the Pentagon was hit, they said a plane went down in a field. They said a lot of people died, they said a lot. I had not way to get in touch with Jason, but I was so happy to have him home. The kids played out side a lot that day, I could see them in the back yard from where I sat watching them and the TV at the same time, By bed time I was mental done. We didnt watch much of that the next week, I put on movies for the kids. There was no reason for a 3 and 1 year old to watch that over and over agin. My parents came out to check on me the next day. 

That is just one day in my life I will never forget the events of, there are others though that I know all the details of. 

July 8, 1998- The day I became a mom, Madalyn was born

November 8, 2000- The Day I became a mom to a son- Collin was born

September 25, 2003- The Day I became a mom to a preemie- Aden was born

July 19, 2006- The day I became a mom to my 3rd son and a high needs baby. - Landon was born

November 10, 2006- The day I became a mom to my 2nd Daughter, and "medically frail" baby - Haleigh was born.

December 13, 2013- I became the mom of my 4th son, To my first forever sleeping baby, - Joshua was born.

Then there was a month ago today. 

August 11, 2013- I became the mom to twins, to my 3rd and 4th girls. To my last children- Faith and Hope were born. 

I remember every detail of every one of their births, I remember the loud cries from the delivery room, or the faint cries from the OR, I also remember how silent it is when a baby is born still. I remember the sounds of my own cries as they were born, I remember my own words of "Please give them to me".

There are some days of your life you never forget, some you remember from how bad the day was and how many people suffered and you remember it along with thousands of other people. Some days you remember all by yourself, Painful as they maybe to remember you still smile when you think of those days, it was the day you had waited for, the day you got to meet your baby (babies). and it doesn't matter if they screamed or if they were silent they were all STILL born. And they all STILL matter. 

4 weeks

Today marks 4 weeks since the girls were born. Well in 15 minutes it will be 4 weeks and one day. So by the time this post it will be Monday.

I think about them on Sundays. How my Sundays would have been having twin girls. I had dreams of blond twin girls for years before I actually got pregnant with them. And of course they were alive in my dreams. It makes me think it was a mistake. That them dying was a mistake that they were suppose to make

It. That the dreams I have been having for 3 years was suppose to materialize. Bit God doesn't make mistakes and I know if the girls had a life plan longer than the 17.2 weeks that I carried them that they would still be safely tucked inside tonight. I wonder why I have such vivid dreams of these twin girls if I was never going to get to actually have them. It makes me mad and sad all at once. 

I've come to realize that grieving twins is much different than grieving for a single baby. Not just because there are two babies to grieve for, but because even though every pregnancy and baby is special. Twins are extra. Add to that specialness that they were a complete surprise and we were doing nothing to get pregnant, add in that they were identical meaning nothing we could have done could have made that happen. It really is just a fluke or God may be that gives you identical twins. No one knows what makes that egg split. I was preparing to not only have a baby, but have twins. I not only loss the pregnancy. But I lost the chance to feel two babies move around together. To parent twins, I lost the moment to be a mother to multiples. On top of that is everything else that I missed and will miss with Joshua. All the first. Everything all our plans are gone. I'm not sure how to "move on" from the plans we had made. To be parents again, then parents to twins, to now never new parents again. 

Joshua would be (if born on his due date) just turned 4 months old. I wonder what he would look like. I wonder what his personality would be developing into. I wonder where we would be. Would I be happier? Would we have moved? Would my other children be happier? What would my life be like if I didn't have to go to the cemetery to be with 3 of my children. Who would my older children be if they had not experienced such heart ache at such tender ages? Questions I will never get answers to. 

The process of grief

It's so confusing to go through more than one stage of grief at a time. Since grief isn't linear there is no time table, there is no guide.

It's been so different than with Joshua. When Joshua was born, my heart broke. It was in completely in pieces. I hurt. From the day I had him and for months after I physically hurt. I went in and out of anger and sometimes in the beginning I walked around in a fog, but most times I just hurt. 

Being pregnant again was healing. Even though it ended badly it was still a healing experience. When the Girls were born I hurt, just as deeply. But I believe my mind blocked some of the pain, I don't believe if I would have processed what was happening I would have lived. I honestly believe, I was in shock and was numb for a while. That's what my brain had to so to cope with such a great loss. That's why I could smile and joke, the night the were born. That's how I took all the pictures I did, that's how I kissed them good bye. 

Anger has been really hard. I've tried to focus all my anger on the medical community for not having better treatments in place for pPROM and preterm labor. For not being able to save my babies. It's their fought. I also carry with me guilt. And the fact that even though I did everything I could it wasn't enough. My best sucked! And I'm trying to find a way for that to be ok. 

Guilt is anger directed at yourself. 

Being numb has taken a while, but it has worn off more and more each day. And I've smiled less and been more stressed. I feel like I did in the beginning with Joshua. I feel like my heart has been crushed. That however doesn't mean I'm going backward in my journey through grief. It actually means I'm moving forward. That my brain is now able to handle some of this hurt. That its not pushing it away and ready to deal with some of it. 

A Month

I can't believe it's been a month since my water with Hope started to leak. August 5th, around 11 pm. I of course called the on call OB, but I couldn't really tell what was going on. The leak was so slow, the only reason it wasn't more was because Faith was blocking the water from leaking out. I was admitted into the hospital the next afternoon. That was a month ago. That week I spend wondering if my girls would make it was so long. Yet the month since has went by so fast. I would be coming up on Viability now, and I would be getting ready to go into the hospital, praying they would be ok. Instead I'm trying to find a way to be ok. I'm trying to find a way to cope. Trying to hold my life together, to not let anything else fall apart. I am trying, although sometimes it feels like I am failing. My children worry about things they shouldn't... Like "is mom ok" and "is mom in a good mood today"..... Mom should always be ok, and always in a good mood. I wish they were too young to remember what we are going through right now, but they are all old enough that they won't forget this.

Somethings are Normal......

Or they are at least the way they use to be...... The same....

When I was pregnant with the girls, back in July my middle son Aden went to church camp. It was the first time he had be to sleep a-way camp. He really enjoyed himself. He was able to do so much. At the time all I could think was "oh how nice of a brake, I'm getting. I also had my oldest son Collin and my youngest son Landon at Jason's moms house, so it was just me and my girls.... All 4 of them. 

When Aden got home we talked and he told me he was saved at camp. I was so happy to hear him say that. He said that he learned what saved really meant. He was able to tell me in his 9 year old words what that meant for him. He then got excited and said he was going to be baptized soon. My oldest 2 children were baptized a few years ago. Collin was 10 and Madalyn was 13. Aden will be just shy of 10 years old. It makes me feel proud of my children when they make the choice to follow Jesus. I had briefly spoken to our pastor at the end of July about his baptism. I was suppose to call and set it up. The week after that we moved.( Incase your wondering, I wasn't allowed to really help, I sat and packed that is all. there was not "moving" for me.) The week after we moved my water broke. We decided to wait until the girls were born to do the baptism, I wanted to be there for him. I told everyone it would probably be the beginning of next year before we would do it. The week after that the girls were born. So again things changed and went back to the way they were. Aden will be baptized this Sunday morning. 

I keep thinking just 2 more, I have 2 more children who are still under the age to understand and be  baptized. (we are baptist, so no baptism until they know why they are doing what they are doing). I teach my children about God and Jesus. But the choice to follow is up to them. My biggest life fear is that one (or some) of them wont believe and will not be apart of my eternal family in heaven. I have 3 children there already waiting on me on us to get there. I want us all to be together. I want my family to be whole. I feel like there are children missing from me. I look around I count and I get confused, I am sure someone is missing. I get told "we are all here" I look and think thats it? No, someone is missing. I of course just say, yeah I know. But in my heart someone is missing. They will always be missing. Until We all get to heaven. Then my family will all be together. Whole, we will all be whole together. 

So while somethings, may go back to how they were.... Baptism coming up.... Sitting on the same pew we always have.... Football, Baseball, Softball, Band..... Life.. It goes on, it doesn't stop just because I'm hurting. Some things are changing and will never be the same....My live children are growing, things are changing. They are physically changing, Growing in Christ, helping me save my Faith. Helping me not fall, holding me up. 

Devotion

I picked up my book "grieving the child I never knew" yesterday its a devotional book that i started and never finished after Joshua died. I have also been reading "empty cradle, Broken heart" that book makes me feel sane and a little more normal.

I decided to turn in the devotional to the anger chapter. I still have a lot of anger I've learned that guilt is often self directed anger. And yes I am angry at myself too. Thinking I could have done something different although I did everything I could. So I probably need white out for the page with the questions. Your suppose to write God a letter and tell him why you are angry. I wrong " I'm just Freaking Pissed off" yeah I'm sure that's not what was meant to be written there. But it's how I feel.

I am trying to deal with all the anger. I'm not sure I really know how though. I have tried to just not be angry and that makes me even more just mad. My other book says that if you find yourself stuck in a stage of grief you may need to talk to a professional. Reading that mad me mad. But what else is really new I was already mad. I'm not really sure 3 weeks of being in anger is what one would call stuck. And since grief has no time time how does one know they are stuck? Needless to say my devotional didn't go well. And I just quit. 

I so start 2 new small groups this week. Sunday begins the new Sunday School season I'm excited about getting back into Sunday school. It's been a while. Then on Wednesday the new women's study starts. I'm excited for that too. I'm hoping through these two small groups to form closer relationships with others in my church.  

I am a little disappointed that I know starting out I will miss the 3rd week of both due to my scheduled surgery. I will have the books though and can read through so I'm not behind. I shouldn't miss anymore than the one week though. And I may actually feel ok to go on Sunday seeing as my surgery is on a Monday. I guess I will just have to see. 

I'm really hoping these small groups can help me with some of my anger issues. 

Today

I got mail today. So much that the mail man came and knocked on the door. Now normal people can have someone knock on a door and its ok. Buy first if all I could see the mail man and was headed for the door. He smiled at me so I know he saw me. Then he knocked. That sent the dogs barking and to the door. I had to wrangle them into the bedroom to get the mail. It took a good 10 minutes.

Anyway 

I made a Shutterfly book. I got it free as a "congratulations on the birth of your new baby" gift, in an email. I filled it with pictures of Joshua, Faith, and Hope. It's a beautiful book. I'm glad I took the time to do that. Even though it was not easy to put together it helped me a little I think. 

I also got the baby books I ordered the girls. They are a little different from Joshua's. they have been updated a little to include some pomes and places to write about what we would like our babies to know about us. With that since they were from Amazon I also ordered the book "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" it's a good book so far. I am on chapter 2. It's already confirmed for me that I am not crazy and that I am grieving the right way for me because there is no wrong way. That was huge for me 

I also got wooded diaper patterns. So much better than the printed ones we have been using. I actually won them. And when I opened the package I smelled saw dust. That smell is the smell of my grandfather the smell of my childhood spend with him building things and cutting wood. He's with my babies and that was a sign from him. I know it was. 

Joshua's Marker

The headstone was finally placed sometime between Thursday and Sunday morning. I am happy it's there. A place to put flowers, until I order the-bigger granite  and name plate for the girls. Joshua's name plate will just be moved to the other granite. It's hard to explain. It won't look like a married couples marker either. And it will be placed in the middle. More like a slab instead of a headstone. I can't wait to get the girls done. I want all the funeral stuff over. 9 months is a long time to be dealing with all of this.

His Headstone turned out beautiful though. Just beautiful.