Day 31

Sunset

Loud

I'm upset about something I can not change. No I'm mad. No wait I'm hurt. Yes that's it. It's pain I feel. I'm hurt. I'm not really sad. I feel like someone has said my babies didn't matter. And it hurts.

I have been posting on Facebook all month and here with the capture your grief project. Tomorrow is the last day. 

Last night a parent posted a picture of her baby. There were some rude comments made and a word fight broke out. That lead to more pictures and more blacklash. I stayed out of it. Just commenting that the babies were beautiful. Because they were. And then I get on tonight to read the stories that I have been looking foward to and it's gone. The whole event was deleted. Now let me explain. Facebook took the even down. Not because it was reported as violent pictures but because there was 1000s of people threating one another on the event page. How sad it that. Threating people! Violet pictures?

 Really these people. The people have no idea what we as baby loss parents have been through. They have not carried a baby for months and prayed everyday that the baby just lives, only to give birth

In a silent room, no cries, no cheers of joy, no it's a boy or they are girls. No congratulations. No balloons or flowers. No visitors. No smiles. 

They have no clue what it's like to watch their babies hearts stop beating. They have no clue how it feels to kiss you baby good bye hours after saying hello. They will never understand. And you know what. I hope they never do. Because to understand this you have to go through it. 

But 

To call our babies pictures violence!?! Really?!? Come on people. Wake up. These are someone's babies. They are loved, were wanted. Pregnancy loss happens. Baby loss happens. It's tragic yes. But I will not hide. It was suggested by some who will never understand that we should grieve in silence. 

I refuse. 

I refuse to be silenced. I will not shut up. I will speak out. I will share my children the way I want when I want. They are perfect. I am proud to be the mother of 8 children. I am proud of the way my angles look in their pictures. 

I will grieve out loud. 

I will not hide. 

I will stand on a mountain top and scream out their names. 

My children were alive. 

My children were born. 

My children mattered. 

I will not be silent! 

 

Day 30

Growth

November is Coming

There are only 2 days of October left after today. This whole month I have been doing the Capture you Grief Photo Challenge, its been extremely hard some days. Yet it has also been uplifting, inspiring, and healing for me. It has made me look into some feelings I have. I have been pushed to explore and think about things that I haven't before. In the middle of the challenge I thought about stopping. Would anyone even notice that I didn't continue? No one would say a word. Except me I would know that I quit and I didn't want to quit because it was hard. Some days were really easy. Like the jewelry day. That day I didn't even have to think about what to post. Most days were very emotional as I sat and thought about my babies. It has given me a focus. I have been able to spend the time I needed to think about my children, what they meant to me and what they meant to my family. Time I never got just to be with them, time to reflect of them and their short lives. Time until now I didn't know I needed. I was able to realize just how much I have changed and see everything that has changed in my family over this year. I was able to see just how much has passed by while I have been engulfed in grief. Dare I say I am going to miss this. I am going to miss reflecting on my babies everyday. I am going to miss sharing a part of them everyday. I am going to miss reading everyone else's post and hearing their stories. The community of baby loss parents. I'm going to miss that. I know I could continue. Their is no rule that says you have to stop. However I would have to come up with subjects all on my own and I am not ready for that. And I would be doing it alone. There would be no community there with me.

So on to November it is..... On to being thankful.

I have a lot to be thankful for, So I have decided to post everyday in the month of November something I am thankful for. I know I can do 30days of that. I have so much to be thankful for... so much more than 30 day worth.

These next few weeks are full of memories from last year. I had started to feel better, and feel Joshua move around. Halloween was one of the first times I had went out feeling good. November I starting buying things, found out we were having a boy and planned the party to tell everyone on Dec1st. These memories are very vivid. Very much real and so heart crushing, yet I'm thankful I have them. Because that's all I have of them now memories, forever etched in my being.

Day 29

Healing

My healing has come from God.

Teeny Tears

My first donation in memory of all 3 of the babies. The blog post was posted today.

You can read it here. --> http://teenytears.blogspot.com/

Day 28

My special Place

11&45

In case some missed it. When I posted the #sayitoutloud a few days ago I announced the Girls 1st names. They will always be our Faith and Hope. We haven't ordered their headstone yet, and we are unsure how it will read. However Faith and Hope were always suppose to be their middle names. Giving them other first names when they were born was too hard so we stuck with Faith and Hope. They would have been.

Aurbree Faith and Amelia Hope. 

I can't believe it's been11 weeks, since they were born. 11 weeks without them. Time is a strange concept to me now. It seems time doesn't move the way it use to. The 11 weeks since the girls were born feels like it was a really long time ago, but at the same time I can see their perfect faces and tiny hands in mine and it's like it was yesterday. 

It is the same with Johua, 45 weeks.  Almost a year. I can't believe I've been without him so long. I miss him. I wonder what his temperament would have been. I believe he would have been such a sweet baby. I sometime have a hard time remembering how long it's been because I feel like there is no way it's been almost a year. How did time pass so fast. At the same time it feels like that day was such a long time ago and so many things have changed. 

I wish I could change the way things turned out with my babies. But I know there is not. If there had been a way to save them I would have done it. If I could have held in these 11 weeks with the girls they would have a great chance at life now. Being 27weeks they would weigh about 3 pounds each. But it will never be. Wasn't meant for me. One day I will understand. One day this will make since. Until that day I will count the time and remember how sweet the time I did have with them was. How heart crushing the time I don't have with them is. And long for a time when I will be with them again.

Day 27

Signs

Wind. 

Day 26

Community