Days you don't forget part 4: Going home

Disclaimer - Most everyone who reads my blogs knows I have older living children. Some may not know that I have 5 older living children. This blog post will have stories about them and their births and  first birthdays. As a baby loss mom I know how hard it is to read about children who are the age your child should be. So I wanted to put that out there incase anyone wants to not read this post. That is by the way 100 % ok with me. 

I realize now since it's the day after that another day that sticks out for me is the day I brought my children home from the hospital. And leaving the hospital empty handed. I think it was easier for me to leave the hospital after Joshua died because I had left the hospital without my baby before. It wasn't the first time I had given birth and went home with out my newborn. 

Madalyn was the picture of health. We came home 2 days after her birth. I stopped by my grandmothers on the way home. She never had a problem as a newborn. Everything was perfect. I never imagined that Anyother child I ever had would not be just as big and healthy.

Collin also came home with me two days later. He had to have a bililight though and we had to take him to the dr everyday for a week to check levels. Then he logs weight and needed special formula. It was stressful to say the least. However he was healthy we were ok. 

Aden was my first baby that didn't come home with me. The day after I had him we both left the hospital. I went home Aden went to the children's hospital bigger nicu. I cried every night missing him. He was there 18 long days. Came gone. Had some stressful sicknesses along the way. But by preemie standards he was healthy. 

Landon taught me that sometimes you have to wait a long time. I spend 4 days in a different hospital unable to see my baby. I left the hospital empty handed just as I had with Aden 3 years before. I went to see Landon and then went home. 59 days we traveled back to the hospital sometimes twice a day. He was 2 months old when he came home and he was again healthy. He like Aden was wheeled out in his crib at the hospital. No wheelchair with baby for us. Again. 

Haleigh was early too. I didn't think they were going to let her leave with me. When they told me she could go I was scared to death. You mean they let babies who are 2 days old go home from the hospital?!? I got in that wheelchair and they handed me my baby. Finally I thought. This is the way it's suppose to be. Finally!! 

I left the hospital the day after Joshua was born. A year ago today. I carried a pillow and a box of reminders that he was real. I didn't cry. It wasn't that abnormal to leave without a baby. The hard part for me was there was but baby to call about to go see. To pump for to stress over.  The girls were much of the same. I carried two boxes out that day. 2 days after giving birth to them. I was tearful but I made it through. I didn't want to really leave the hospital. I knew once I got home I would have to face complete reality. Anther funeral for two lives not lived. Another due date that would come and go with out the newborn cries. Another empty armed chair ride. 

12/13/13

Days you never forget part 3: A year Later

Disclaimer - Most everyone who reads my blogs knows I have older living children. Some may not know that I have 5 older living children. This blog post will have stories about them and their births and  first birthdays. As a baby loss mom I know how hard it is to read about children who are the age your child should be. So I wanted to put that out there incase anyone wants to not read this post. That is by the way 100 % ok with me. 

Baby's first birthday. 

Madalyn turned one on a Thursday. Being 16 I decided her birthday party should be at exactly 5:15pm that day. And it was. It was a great day. Madalyn was already running by the time she was one.  Jason was there took off work. Parents aunts uncles no cousins were born yet. We had just come back from the weekend at the beach for July 4th. My paw-paw was there. That was the only one of my children's birthdays he was able to go to. He died before Madalyn turned 2. Before any other children were born. He loved her though. As much as anyone loved another person he loved her. I miss him. 

Collins first birthday we were broke. I mean broke for real broke. But some how we made it and he had a great party. Grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, a few friends. Still no cousins. It was a beautiful day. We had most everything outside. And while we had it again on a Thursday because that was his birthday. We had it later in the day. Since he was born at 338. He had just begun to walk good. 

Aden's first birthday was a busy time. We had Madalyn in school, Jason and I were both working and Aden had some physical therapy once a week. His birthday was on a Friday. We had his party that day but again later that night. Aden took his first steps on the night before his birthday and we showed off for everyone at his party. Still no first cousin but we did have a 2nd cousin that is a few months younger than Aden come over. And of course all the grown ups. He for.A little overwhelmed at his party. We cut it short by a little. He loved opening gifts though. 

Landon turned one on a extremely hot July day. We had a pool party and by now we had 2 cousins to invite. 2 little girls. One older and one younger than him. We decided to have him a cake on his real birthday and ten we had a party that weekend when it was easier for everyone to come. It turned out great. Everyone had a great time. Landon stood in his high chair and smashed his cake all in his hands. 

Haleigh's first birthday was stressful. She could not have any dariy, soy, eggs, or nuts until she was two. That didn't leave a lot of stuff to make a cake from.  I found one though and made it for her. I got everyone else real cake. I had her party at my mothers house on the of her birthday. A Tuesday night. It was the only place and time everyone could get together. And we had 3 cousins there All girls. The youngest just 6 weeks younger than Haleigh. There was another cousin not able to be there who is 9 months younger than Haleigh. Haleigh enjoined smashing her fake cake. And I think she may have eaten some if it even. 

So the girls haven't reached their birthday. Although their due date and scheduled section dates are around the corner. They have been gone 4 months already. But today. Today is Joshua's birthday. I can believe it's been a whole year. Time is not the same. Sometimes I feel like I've been standing still and moving fast all at the same time. 

What am I suppose to do today? I can celebrate. I feel like I am celebrating death. My kids want to sing to him. Maybe I will let them at the cemetery. But I put my foot down at cake with his name on it. I can't do that I just can't. 

Days you don't forget part 2: The day of

Disclaimer - Most everyone who reads my blogs knows I have older living children. Some may not know that I have 5 older living children. This blog post will have stories about them and their births and  first birthdays. As a baby loss mom I know how hard it is to read about children who are the age your child should be. So I wanted to put that out there incase anyone wants to not read this post. That is by the way 100 % ok with me. 

I will never forget the births of my 8 children. 

Madalyn was born on a rainy summer afternoon. Big full term. Healthy. 8pounds 13ounces. 22inches long. I labored for 4 hours before getting the epidural. At hour number 3 I had my first experience ever with Nubane. 4 hours after my epidural she was born. They have her to me straight away. I held her I loved her. And in that moment. The young teen who walked into that hospital became a mother. She's 15 now. 

Collin was born on a cold fall day. after I went to the dr. Talked to her about thinking my iron was low. I was half way to done at the drs office. Next door at the hospital I was given my IV, my dr broke my water after less than an hr and another centimeter. I decided after that to get my epidural. 3 hours later Collin was born. They handed him right to me. I thought he was the smallest baby I had ever seen. He cried and I cried. He was healthy and a beautiful baby. 6pounds 11ounces 20inches long. I remember being in awe of how much he slept. I was now the mother of two children. A Girl and A Boy. He's 12 now. 

Aden was born in the middle of summer for Alabama. It was hot. After not seeing a dr the night before. My OB saw me the next morning. I was in labor and half done. I was scared. I was 33 weeks. I didn't know about preemies yet. I didn't know if 33 weeks was enough. They were enough. My epidural worked after he was born but not before.  I was warned he may not cry at birth but he did. It was loud too. I remember I was sad that they handed him straight to the nicu doctor and not me. But they did let me kiss him quickly before taking him to the nicu. He spent 18 days in the nicu. Born at 4 pounds 14 ounces he came home weighing that exact amount. Loss weight then gained it back right on track. He was so tiny. Nothing fit. I was 21 years old. Mother of 3 children. A Girl and 2 boys. He is 10 now. 

Landon's birth was a shock. It was mid summer. Hot and human. That morning before my dr appointment I had 2 contractions that I had to breath through. At the dr I was put on a monitor. I was contracting every 4 minutes. I was 31 weeks. Went it the hospital expecting to be on bed rest and meds to stop labor. Instead with in 3 hours I had a prolapse cord and emergency c section and a baby that was taken to children's hospital 20 minutes down the road. He had the faintest cry, but he did cry. He weighed 4 pounds 3 ounces. Lost down to 3pounds 2ounces. Came home 58 days later at 7 pounds 3 ounces. The perfect newborn size. No preemie clothes needed. I was 24 when he came home. Mother of 4 children. 1 Girl 3 boys. He is 7 now. 

Haleigh was born on the change if season from fall to winter. It was cold. That morning my nurse was rude. Saying the monitor was not picking up contractions. I could get dressed they were sending me home. I was in a lot of pain. I told her matter of factly that I was not leaving with out seeing my doctor. She left in a huff. My dr came in with my new nurse. I told him I was having contractions I didn't care what that thing said. He checked I was 5 cm. And that ment I would be staying at the hospital. An hour later I was 6. I got my epidural. My water was broken. And Haleigh was born. 5 pounds 2 ounces healthy. 34 weeks, no nicu. 26 years old I left the hospital with my baby. a mother of 5. 2 Girls and 3 boys. She is 5 now. 

The day Joshua was born was Cold. December. Almost Christmas. Everything was lit up all around was decorated. Then there was me, with no hope left. No chance of my baby having a chance of life. Labor stalled, bleeding was heavier, I decided to get an epidural early even though I was not in a lot of pain yet. I didn't want any pain at all. My pastor came to see me. A pastor from a friends church came and prayed with me. I delivered my baby boy that afternoon. The room was so quite. My dr wrapped Joshua in a blue towel and handed him to the nurse who stated to walk out. I said no, and my OB asked if I wanted to hold him. I said yes. The nurse said they normally bathe the babies first, but I wanted him right then and they laid him on my chest. He was so still. Beautiful. His heart was beating. I rubbed his feet and head. I few minutes later the heart beat was gone and Jesus had my baby. The nurse tried to take him and I refused. My OB assured me that they would bring him back but that he needed me to let him go with them. Apparently they had an OR standing by for me. I didn't need it. 10 ounces of pure Angel. 10 inches of pure love. I left that hospital at 30 years old. A mother of 6 children. 2 girls 4 boys. 5 on earth. 1 in heaven. He will be 1 tomorrow. 

Faith Aubree and Hope Amelia were born in the summer. It was actually nice out though. But warm. I went back to the hospital that day because I felt off and some pressure. I went in through the ER. They called L&D and when they realized who I was since I had been their days before they sent me up. The nurses thought I was constapated. I was relived that that was what it was. After that was taken care of though I was in pain. I watched the clock and realized my pain was every 5 minutes. I was alone. I called the nurse told her I knew I was in labor and I was in pain. She went to call the dr. While she was gone baby As Faiths water broke. I knew it was over then and I called my mom and Jason to the hospital.  The on call said he wasn't coming. I was less than 20 weeks. So it was a miscarriage. But he decided to call my OB. My OB was amazing and came to the hospital. Did an ultrasound. Babies were alive but there was no cervix left. A few minutes later Faith was born. 3 whole ounces her sister followed shortly after another 3 ounces. Between their births I was given a shot of pain meds. They didn't work very well. I got another one after Hope was born. They handed me the babies together wraped in a blue cloth. My nurse asked their names. Jason came in. My mom came in. My sister came in. I was told I would need surgery. The girls were so perfect just small. Compleatly fully formed babies. They just needed time to grow. Time my body could give them. I spent 2 more days there. Left still 30 years old. Mom to 8 children. 4 girls. 4 boys. And it will stay that perfectly even number if 8. 4 and 4. They are 4 months old now. 

Days you don't forget part 1 : the day before.

Disclaimer - Most everyone who reads my blogs knows I have older living children. Some may not know that I have 5 older living children. This blog post will have stories about them and their births and  first birthdays. As a baby loss mom I know how hard it is to read about children who are the age your child should be. So I wanted to put that out there incase anyone wants to not read this post. That is by the way 100 % ok with me. 

The Day Before..... 

I remember all the "day before" all my children were born. For Madalyn it was a Tuesday and I had decided I would probably be pregnant forever since I was now 7 days past my due date. I went to bed crampy. She was born at 5:15pm the next day. 

For Collin I slept the whole day. I couldn't help it. I simply could not stay awake. I thought my iron was probably way low. I was having contractions but I had been in and out of labor for a month. I was not going back to the hospital. And since I was 4 weeks until my due date I felt I had a lot of time left. He was born at 3:38pm the next day. 

Aden was a little different. I knew I was in labor. I called the dr they were closed the on call told me I needed to rest with my feet up. Told me that if I came to the hospital he would tell them to give me a sleeping pill and send me home. I would not be monitored or checked. I was only just 33 weeks. I was told I needed to calm myself. I didn't eat. I tried to sleep. I tossed and turned and was in pain. He was born at 4:45pm the next day. 

With Landon I felt great the day before. I was on modified bed rest. I was 31 weeks. I was big but not huge. I would lay and feel him twist all day. There were no signs of labor until the next day. Everything happened really fast with him. He was born the next day at 1:26pm. By C-section. My only section. 

With Haleigh. I spent the night before her birth in the hospital In labor and delivery. I had been there Thursday through Saturday and went back Sunday night. I was In so much pain. Contracting, I was 34 weeks and trying to make it to 36. It didn't happen but she was healthy none the less and born at 2:58pm that Monday afternoon. 

With Joshua I expected the same. Pain the day before. Go in have a baby. Pray I can get 30+ weeks. Pray for no nicu time. I never thought I needed to pray for him to just live. However the day before he was born I did just that. I prayed and prayed. I knew there was a pretty slim chance he would survive. My water had broken the night before. I was on complete bed rest. I couldn't even get up to pee. All I could do was lay there and pray. The next day he was born. Some Say my prayers were unanswered. I say that God simply said no. I don't know why he said no but that was his answer. It's hard to accept, but he has a plan and for whatever reason this was apart of it. And saving Joshua was not. It makes me very sad. 

The day before Faith and Hope was born I was on complete bed rest at home but with bathroom rights this time. That night I had a bad backache and couldn't sleep. I sent Jason to work any way that morning. I regret that because if it he missed their births. I prayed they would make it. They way their brother didn't. I prayed for it to not happen again. It did. Again God said no. Again I don't know why. But they were born that next day. 

So that brings us to today. 12/12/13. A lot of people thought the world would end on 12/12/12. And for me in a way it did. Today a year ago I laid in the bed and prayed and prayed for God to show me what to do. Do I try and hang on for weeks more? Do I take the induction I was offered? Do I go home? Do I stay in the hospital? Even if I made it to viability would he make it with no fluid? I was so scared to make the wrong choice that I made no choice at all until it came to possibly losing my life as well and Johua was still too young to have a chance. I tell you if he would Have been in any way closer to viable I would have let myself get sicker to protect him. To give him that chance at life. But that's not how it went. I laboured and delivered my son knowing he would die. There was nothing I could to about it. 

Tomorrow he will turn one. There are find many ideas for parties now days. With my older ones there was not. It had just started when Haleigh was getting 2-3 years old. But there is not going to be a party. I know some people throw parties for their babies. They ask for money to be donated to a charity in the baby's name instead of gifts. But I tell you I can not not not do that. I can't see the name on a cake he will never smash. I can't sing to a child he will not hear my voice who is no longer here. I can not decorate for him. It's not fair to me or anyone else to pretend it's a happy day. It's not. I've lived a year with out my son and it SUCKS. I will not pretend to have a good day. 

I have however thought about what I would have likes him to have as his first party. And I do believe this is what I would have wanted for him. 

Cute right?!? 

I bet they get read Dr. Seuss in heaven 

Sweet Child of Mine

Questions through tears. .Silence in words.

Death and grief shouldn't be apart of childhood. Except it is. And for my kids it's a big part of their lives. 

They ask some rough questions. 

Where exactly is heaven? 

 Oh sweetness, how I wish heaven was a place on earth. It's simply not. It's above us somewhere but I can't say exactly where. 

Why can't we go visit there? 

 If we could visit heaven I would spend a great deal of time there everyday. We can't visit. Once you go to heaven you can't come back and you can't go until Jesus is ready for you. 

But mama I wanna visit the babies! 

Oh so do I. 

Mama I miss them. 

So do I. 

When Madalyn gets married and has a baby is it going to die too? 

Oh baby I don't think so. Most babies are born and live a long time and grow up. Like you. 

But our babies died. Why? 

I don't know. But Jesus does and when I get to heaven I'm going to ask him. 

Can Santa bring us a baby? 

No honey, Santa can't bring us a baby. 

I really want a baby. 

I know me too. 

I was going to help feed them. 

I know. You were going to help a lot. You are the best. 

I love you mama. 

I love you too Haleigh. 

It brakes my heart that she has to understand These things that I don't even understand. I'm trying but sometimes I wanna scream WHY too. 

Time to celebrate..... What?

Tomorrow is the annual Christmas dinner/party at Jason's work. I don't want to go. I hate going. I don't know anyone. Most everyone who works there are men and so it's a bunch of men talking about work with their wives staring off into space wondering when we can leave.

Last year I took it as a last time to go out before the baby was to be born. I was showing. I sat and talked with another wife for a few minutes about how we were expecting a boy. What if she sees me? What if she remembers I was pregnant? What if she asks? What do I say? "Oh...that yeah...um.... He died a week after last years party then I got pregnant again and had twins....but.... They died too and now... Well .... Now I can't have any more children. But hey Merry Christmas".  I'm sure that will not be awkward at all. 

I wish I could say he's doing fine. Learning to crawl and say mama. I wish I could say he's alive and well. I wish I could say we have to leave early because this is the first time I've left him. 

Things are so much different this year for the party than last year. I wonder if anyone will miss me if I hide in the bathroom all night. I am just reminded how happy I was last year and how sad I am now. 

A year ago

It seems I can recall this time last year clearer than I ever have been. I have had memory lapse since December 11th 2012. I still can't recall most of Christmas or New Years. However doing things this year has triggered some things that happened last year. I'm not sure I am ready for all the memories and feelings that are coming through. But I don't have the ability to stop them either.

Some of the most recent things that have come to light. 

December 1,2012 was a Saturday. We had a party and told our family that we were expecting a boy. It was a very exciting day. 

December 1, 2013 was a Sunday. We put the tree up the night before. All day I thought about how last year we celebrated and this year there is no baby. My son is gone. 

Last year we hadn't put up our tree yet but we had lots of time. We had just gotten back from Disney World and we had started shopping. Not only for Christmas gifts but for baby things. We picked out a whole nursery theme, I won't be able to look at monkeys with out thinking of Joshua. I still love looking at them though. 

This time last year I didn't know the heartache of losing a child. I didn't know that within the next year I would burry not 1 but 3 children. I was blissfully unaware of the horror that waited me and my family. The pain and joy. Yes joy that came with the birth of my babies. The sadness that came with their deaths. I wish I could go back and still be blind to all the sadness and pain. But I can't. I am now awake to all of it. 

Life

I have a lot if mixed feelings on life and death in general. More now than ever before. I do not have dought on where we go, or my Faith. I just have mixed feelings about it. As In life. I believe life starts at conception. Life in its very earliest forms, the division on cells, the start of a beating heart. What I don't understand is why some life ends so early, my children were ment for something great. I believe all children start out with greatness and can grow into adults ment for greatness. But some where along the way some if us get derailed.

I can honestly say if it was not for my already foundation of Faith, my Families Faith, and the love of my pastor and church family, I would hate God. I know it. It would be easy to blam it all on him. Something he "did to me". 

If I didn't have a better understanding of God and the price Jesus paid for me then I would believe that I was being punished for my sins. 

I sometimes wonder if God chose me to be Joshua, Hope and Faiths mother because he knew I would grow closer to him through it. I wonder if it's because he knew someone else would blame him and I would not, that I would understand that it's not something he did to make me hurt. That he didn't take them as payment for my sins. He knew I would not turn from my Faith but grow in it. He knew I was not strong enough to do it on my own. But also had in place the people that would help me through. 

I wish that had not been me though. I still wish I had my babies instead. I know that is selfish. But I am a mother. A mother of eight children. A hidden mother of twins. A mother of babies that never cried. A mother of a teenage girl that worries me grey. A mother of 3 living boys. And a son that plays in heaven with his 2 sisters. A mother of a 5 year old that doesn't understand why her babies died and other people get to keep theirs. A griving mother who would do just about any thing to make the world right and have her babies back. A mother who loves her kids and puts them before herself. 

I am only human and that makes me selfish by nature. So yes if I could wish my children from heaven back to earth I would. If I could go back and do anything in my life different I would hold them a while longer. I'm human. I miss them. 

Thanksgiving Day

The day started out nice. I woke up after sleeping in a bit. I took my time getting the turkey on since we had decided on a later eating time the was no rush to get done. Jason and Madalyn came home from their morning hunt. I took a shower then, Madalyn, Haleigh and I headed to visit the babies at the cemetery. I never thought my Thanksgiving day would include a cemetery visit, but it did. My Grandmother is out there as well. Madalyn walked Haleigh over there after they visited the babies a little. Giving me my much needed alone time with them. I told them how thankful I am to have had them, even if it was such a short sweet time. I of course would change the fact that they died if I could. But if I had to chose the time I had with them or never having known them at all I would chose the time I had with them. Even though it hurts they are my babies and I do not regret them even a little. I do however miss them horribly, I love them whole heartedly, I long to be with them just a minute more.

We stayed about 45 minutes. Left feeling like I had at least felt a little closer to them while I was there. I hated leaving like always. I tried to put on a happy face the rest of the day. I'm sure it didn't work. There was not a minute that I didn't feel someone was missing. I fell asleep on the couch and felt the ache in my arms where my baby should be napping. I felt a pain in my stomach when my 34 weeks pregnant belly should be. 

Friday I shopped and tried not to look at the baby things. The toys for the "baby first Christmas" the newborn outfits to dress like Santa. 

The holiday season will be the same. But I have faith that one day maybe it won't hurt so much.