When?

The last few days have just been hard. I miss my babies. I want to know what they would have looked like full term and whole. Fully formed. I want to know what they would have liked to play with. What their favorite foods are. What the love what they hate. What toys would they ask Santa for?

I sat today and watched Landon play outside in the back yard. Running around chasing the dog and my heart aches for the three kids I have that I will never get to watch do that. 

When will I be able to look at my kids and not see what I'm missing with the ones that are gone? When will I not look at a newborn and long for my own? When will I get through a holiday without the grief? When will it not hurt so bad? 

Christmas 2013

Today was both happy and sad all together. I was excited to see the faces of my children when they opened their gifts this morning. When we got up Haleigh declared today the best Christmas ever. I'm sure it was better than last year. I however still don't remember Christmas Day 2012.

We cooked a big breakfast then played with the new toys. Built a basket ball goal with the new set. Adjusted the set of a bike. Adjusted the bars of a scooter. Tried on new clothes and shoes. Took a bunch of pictures. We cooked out part of lunch/dinner. Took showers, put on new clothes and headed to my sisters house. We took all the stuff there and then headed to the cemetery. 

I have a live hate relationship with the cemetery. I love going and feel close to my babies while I am there. I know they aren't really there but I still feel closer to them there. Maybe it's because I am focused on just them. I then hate it there. I can't see them. I can't feel them. I can't have them. I miss them so much and I know I can't have them. I know that while this is Joshua's 2nd Christmas in heaven it's the girls first and there will be many many more to come that we celebrate without them and I don't want to. I want them here I don't want to have to go to the cemetery to tell them merry Christmas. It sucks more than anything else I can ever imagine. 

The picture below was taken last night. The round glow to the right on my oldest sons head was only on this picture and no others. I believe it's my babies. All three of them. 

Merry Christmas from earth to Heaven. 

Christmas

Merry Christmas in Heaven

Joshua, Faith and Hope. 

Being Happy

In general I am a happy person. You can't tell it by this blog. I write a lot more when I'm sad. It helps me deal with the tremendous grief and sadness that surrounds my life. I fake it a lot. I smile when I want to cry all of the time, but there are also times where I am truely having a good time. When I am having a moment of actual happiness and enjoyment. Times when I almost forget the hell my life has turned into. Today I had one of those days. I had a day where I woke up and realized I didn't dream last night. I didn't wake up with my heart aching. I didn't dream of my lost babies. I didn't dream at all. I had a morning that things went smoothly. We went to church even though it was raining (storming) I thought to myself this is a great day. I didn't wear my fake smile to church today. No today I had on my real smile and I'm not sure when the last time I wore that was. Sunday school was good and I was able to follow along with out my mind drifting (I have ADD). There was not any children's church today and despite having the boys sit with me I was able to listen to the message and follow along with out thinking about my sons funeral that was there a year ago. (That's something I think about often there).

Normally after church we go to the cemetery. Today it was raining so bad that we couldn't. We went to our Sunday school Christmas party and for the first time in a year I was surrounded by people and didn't feel alone. If you have never been in a room full of people and felt alone, then there is no way to explain how that feels. It's worse than actually being completely alone. Today though I felt like I was wanted there. Not like they had no choice but to invite me, bit that I was really wanted there. And it felt amazing. I laughed real laughs. I didn't sit in the corner and hide, I engaged myself in conversations. I felt a little like the me that left a year ago. And it scared me I started to think on the way home "should I be happy?" "Can I be happy and still be sad my babies died?" 

I have decided that yes I can I can have moments of pure happiness and I should. I need to allow them. 

I needed today more than anyone else knows. More than anyone at that party realized. They helped me feel normal today. Today I was not "the girls who's babies died" I was just Crystal. And that felt really good! 

Merry Christmas Baby Girls

To Faith and Hope on your would be birthday.

Faith And Hope,

  Oh how I wish today was the big day. The day I would meet my baby girls. The day I had been waiting for. Today is not your due date no today I would have been 36 weeks pregnant and today was the day my scheduled C-Section was to be. We had planned your births for December 20th, 2013. 1230pm. It's hard to know that your births would have happened today if my body could have held you until now. I miss the two of you like crazy. Dad and I have went back and fowarth on your names. I wanted to give you first names since Faith and Hope were suppose to be your middle names. Daddy wanted to keep them as your first names. So I agreed. Faith Aubree and Hope Amelia. I wish I had a stocking to fill for you this Christmas. I wish I could feel you lie across my chest. I wish I could hear you cry and see you open your eyes. I hope you know that I loved you so much and that I would have done anything to save your lives. I tried baby girls I tried. I hope you felt how wanted you were. I hope you felt loved. Happy Would be birthday sweet baby girls. 

I love you so very much! 

Mom

Another unforgettable day.

So much has happened in a year. So much pain. So many tears.

A year ago today I buried my baby boy. 

Just Alive

Looking back on my pregnancies I realize how blind I was to the complications of pregnancy and child birth. I knew the things that could happen to other people, but not me.

I remember when I was pregnant with Haleigh I declared I would give birth in my back yard before I had another c section. That was "the worst thing that could happen" was that I would not get my vbac. And I worried about it until I pushed her out.  I knew the risk. Still do. I'm glad I went for it, but really? That was the worst thing I could think of that would happen. That I would have to have another section. Her birth got me "over" my experience with my section. It was really bad. So when I was pregnant with Joshua and DrC asked if I wanted another vbac I said I would like to try to avoid another section if possible. He agreed I would probably have no problem with that. When I was in labor with Joshua DrC and I had to sign a vbac form and hospital policy stated I had to be offered a section and be told the risk of a vbac. I knew the risk. Just 4 years earlier I was an expert. The major risk is to the baby. My baby was going to die anyway no section needed. I had completely changed my mind when I was pregnant with the twins. I decided I wanted a section. When DrC said that he dosent like to vbac twins I said "no problem I want a section anyway" he was surprised. But understood better when I said I didn't actually care how they came out my goal was breathing baby. I failed at that of course. When I delivered them there was no time for a vbac form. But there was one in my chart. Anyone over 14 weeks with a section scar has to be offered a repeat section. I wouldn't have taken it again there was no risk to my babies. They were not going to be born alive anyway. 

It's amazing how much I changed in my personal view of how my children were suppose to be born. I went from wanting them born naturally to wanting them born just alive. 

Selfishly... Unselfish.

I have always felt I was a pretty selfless person. Even before I had children I always gave to my friends when they needed something. I never kept things back I shared what I had. A lot of times that got me hurt. It prepared me for motherhood though.You can't be incredibly selfish and be a mother. There are so many things you must give up to have a child.

 Your body for 9 months of pregnancy then a year of breast feeding. After that you may have your body back to yourself but it's forever changed. It's not the same one you loaned to your child for almost 2 years. 

Your sleep for ever.  There will be nights you get up with your child from the day they are born until the end.

Freedom of last minute plans, the fast car, expensive clothes, peeing alone. That all fades and you give it up freely to become a mother. It didn't take much for me even at just 15 I knew what I was going to give up to be a mother and I was ok with that. 

But losing my 3 children has taught me that some times you need to he selfish. Sometimes it needs to be about me. I keep things just for me and my close family. Their pictures without an edit. Those are mine and I don't want to share them publicly. I have a box of clothes I will not donate. I have a box of diapers that will never be used. I have names that I beg my family to never use for their yet to be born children. Because that was my baby's name. It's selfish to hold on to those things. I should let them go. I should give them to someone who's baby is alive and can cuddle into the blankets that have sat empty in a box for a year. But I won't. It hurts too much to give what little I have for them up. So they will sit there In that box and I will selfishly hold on to them. Because it's all I have. I have learned to say no for selfish reasons. "Can you watch my child today?" I use to actually watch other peoples kids for pay and I kept the nursery at church. I did children's church, missions for little ones, and even worked at a daycare when I was pregnant with Haleigh. I now answer that with a No. I can't. I don't do anything with the children at church. I help out. Special events, serve coffee, mission funds. But I can not help with other peoples kids. I love the kids at our church and my friends children I simply can not focus on them. The thought of sitting in the nursery at church makes me want to run far far away. So I simply say no I can not and selfishly walk away. 

Being a little selfish isn't bad I have learned. Everyone has to take care of them self. No one is going to take care of you for you. Not in this way. I have to do what's right for me and my family and sometimes that means being selfish. 

Should have.

I could have done it you know. Raised a few more children. I could have given birth to Joshua in late march beginning of April (since I always go early) and then gotten pregnant with the girls immediately after. I know people who have kids who are less than a year apart. I could have handled that. I could have had 3 kids under 1 right now. That would have been awesome. I would be should be so tired changing 30 diapers a day. Pumping, feeding, washing, I should be drowning in baby bottles and clothes. I should be a mess of newborns. I could have done it. I'm strong enough for that.

But this....

This tired is from being up crying, this lonelyness of no one really understanding. This pain of empty arms. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I would trade what is for what should have been any day.