I can't sew. I never learned. I took a class in high school and put together a pillow. A heart shaped one. I can replace a button and repair a seam by hand. But that's as far as my abilities go. I can however trace a pattern and cut flannel. So I asked my mom to do the sewing for now and I'm going to learn. But for now I'm tracing and cutting.
Today I cut out about 50 sets of diapers. They are pinned and waiting on mom to sew them together I am hoping to deliver them to Mobile Infirmary with in the month. I am also going to take a sample to the other hospitals here and see if they are interested in them. We are also going to take a sample to UAB when Haleigh goes back for her surgery. They have a huge NICU up there. I'm hoping USA NICU will want them too.
I loved cutting them out today. I thought about Joshua and how small he was and how I wish I would have had the chance to dress him just once. It makes me sad that I wasn't able to. That there was nothing to put on him. And it makes me happy that I'm able to provide that for another baby and another family.
I didn't take any pictures today. I was so busy cutting. But I will have pictures of our finished diapers. I can't wait to see them.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Change
I've never really liked a lot of change. I like to know what to expect. Surprises scare me, change makes me nervous. So I'm surprised at myself wanting things to change. I want a new start. I'm not sure how to go about doing it though, since I have never wanted it before.
4 years ago change was forced upon us when Haleigh was born and Jason lost his job. We had to learn to live with far less than we were use to, we had to let go of things we thought were important. We had to start over. We are now in a place where we are almost ready to settle down in another home of our own and not a rental.
Question is where?
I would like to keep Madalyn at her high school, but I'm not concerned with the other kids yet. Collin may want to stay at the middle school he's at but I also think a fresh start would be good for all of my kids. I'd really like to move to Saraland. But that's a long drive to west mobile for Madalyns school everyday and I'm not sure she will want to change schools. My 2nd choice is Semmes. They have great schools and the house we are looking at there is not far from their schools at all. My 3rd choice is Wilmer. And really that's just a little past Semmes. But it's still quite and still good schools. I like living in West Mobile but I need room.
I want a garden. I want air. I want a pool. I want to breathe. I want to not be able to throw a Rock and hit the house next door!
I need a change.
I changed my plans today. We had bad weather today so I'm going to moms in the morning to start our project. I'm so excited.
I slept last night. I think it was the rain. I didn't dream. I just slept.
Sunday we are being introduced to the church. Brother David has already requested our membership letters from the other church. I've prayed a lot and made sure I was not changing my membership out of anger. And I can honestly say I want to serve at this church. I believe in what they are doing and I want to be apart of it. I feel God wants me and my family to be apart if it.
Aden loves it there and Friday he's going to a kids lock in. He's excited about church. If you know Aden then you know he gets excited about exactly 2 things: Football and Hunting, so for him to be excited about church is amazing. Collin has signed up to go to youth summer camp. I will get details on that Sunday at the meeting, but he loves The Lord and I believe he will grow and become a mature follower of Chris,t but I need help with him. I don't have all the answers to the questions he has and I believe this church will help me help him grow. Madalyn is a little harder she hates change more than I do. She is not so sure about this church or any church, but she's going. She's trying and I believe that she will get there she just needs time. And I will give her that time. Landon and Haleigh although very young have taken to the church and people there more easy than I ever thought would happen.
It helps me that my sister is there every week and I see her and the example her and her husband set as Christians is amazing. They are truly walking with The Lord and it shows in every step they take. My parents are there a lot and for my kids to see their grandparents in church makes it mean more to me and I hope to them as well.
Families use to all go to church together more and I'm understanding why now. We need each other. For the times in our lives when everything is good we need each-other to Celebrate with, when times our bad we need each other to hold on to. To help each other up when we fall. To be accountable to each other. And when we are needing a change we are there to support that change and help one another through it. To overcome, whatever has been or maybe together!
That's a family. And there's more than one kind of family. Family is not all blood relation and DNA. Family is so much more than that.
4 years ago change was forced upon us when Haleigh was born and Jason lost his job. We had to learn to live with far less than we were use to, we had to let go of things we thought were important. We had to start over. We are now in a place where we are almost ready to settle down in another home of our own and not a rental.
Question is where?
I would like to keep Madalyn at her high school, but I'm not concerned with the other kids yet. Collin may want to stay at the middle school he's at but I also think a fresh start would be good for all of my kids. I'd really like to move to Saraland. But that's a long drive to west mobile for Madalyns school everyday and I'm not sure she will want to change schools. My 2nd choice is Semmes. They have great schools and the house we are looking at there is not far from their schools at all. My 3rd choice is Wilmer. And really that's just a little past Semmes. But it's still quite and still good schools. I like living in West Mobile but I need room.
I want a garden. I want air. I want a pool. I want to breathe. I want to not be able to throw a Rock and hit the house next door!
I need a change.
I changed my plans today. We had bad weather today so I'm going to moms in the morning to start our project. I'm so excited.
I slept last night. I think it was the rain. I didn't dream. I just slept.
Sunday we are being introduced to the church. Brother David has already requested our membership letters from the other church. I've prayed a lot and made sure I was not changing my membership out of anger. And I can honestly say I want to serve at this church. I believe in what they are doing and I want to be apart of it. I feel God wants me and my family to be apart if it.
Aden loves it there and Friday he's going to a kids lock in. He's excited about church. If you know Aden then you know he gets excited about exactly 2 things: Football and Hunting, so for him to be excited about church is amazing. Collin has signed up to go to youth summer camp. I will get details on that Sunday at the meeting, but he loves The Lord and I believe he will grow and become a mature follower of Chris,t but I need help with him. I don't have all the answers to the questions he has and I believe this church will help me help him grow. Madalyn is a little harder she hates change more than I do. She is not so sure about this church or any church, but she's going. She's trying and I believe that she will get there she just needs time. And I will give her that time. Landon and Haleigh although very young have taken to the church and people there more easy than I ever thought would happen.
It helps me that my sister is there every week and I see her and the example her and her husband set as Christians is amazing. They are truly walking with The Lord and it shows in every step they take. My parents are there a lot and for my kids to see their grandparents in church makes it mean more to me and I hope to them as well.
Families use to all go to church together more and I'm understanding why now. We need each other. For the times in our lives when everything is good we need each-other to Celebrate with, when times our bad we need each other to hold on to. To help each other up when we fall. To be accountable to each other. And when we are needing a change we are there to support that change and help one another through it. To overcome, whatever has been or maybe together!
That's a family. And there's more than one kind of family. Family is not all blood relation and DNA. Family is so much more than that.
Harder to sleep.
I've been sick this week. Generally speaking we are a healthy family. I believe Haleigh was introduced to some kind of flu while at the hospital. She was the first to be sick followed by Collin, Landon, Aden, Jason and myself. How Madalyn has not been sick is a mystery, but I hope she stays well. Everyone is getting better I still have a couch. Collins turned into an infection. But still it's not as bad as it was. I had no warning actually I was fine Saturday and I thought the kids were all feeling some better as well. Jason was at his worse that day though. But Sunday morning I woke up at 530am shaking from fever. It took all I had to get out of the bed and find some meds. 2 hours later my fever finally broke and I was able to sleep. My wonderful daughter came home from her friends house to watch the other kids so I could rest and just "be sick". I'm still sick but at least there is no fever. I'm just dizzy and can't sleep. Probably from the meds they don't say day or night time but they are keeping me up. I'm afraid of becoming dependent on sleep aids so I won't even take the night time meds. That may sound crazy but I don't want to need pills. And especially if I found ones that would make me not dream, I'd be hooked for sure.
I dream of Joshua all the time. It's impossible not to. It never goes the way it really went though. Sometimes he's born big, healthy, screaming. Just the way a newborn should be. Just as we are getting ready to leave the hospital the nurse tells me I can't have him home with me. No one takes babies home anymore she says. Sometimes it's all happy and those dreams are the hardest to wake up from. I like being in that dream. Holding him rocking him to sleep, but when I wake up those are the hardest mornings and my roughest days. Because I realize its all been a dream and he's gone. Some dreams I can't repeat because they are awful, those are the ones that make my heart race and I wake up in a sweat. Some nights I don't dream at all, because I don't sleep at all. I'm not sure if fear of dreaming is keeping me awake or something else but I've got to find away not to lie awake for hours in end only to never fall asleep. It's not caffeine I rarely drink anything except water, so who knows. Eventually I will sleep hopefully it's not at an inconvenient time.
I hope to feel good enough tomorrow to go see my mom. We are going to start working on a project. Hopefully that goes as planned.
I dream of Joshua all the time. It's impossible not to. It never goes the way it really went though. Sometimes he's born big, healthy, screaming. Just the way a newborn should be. Just as we are getting ready to leave the hospital the nurse tells me I can't have him home with me. No one takes babies home anymore she says. Sometimes it's all happy and those dreams are the hardest to wake up from. I like being in that dream. Holding him rocking him to sleep, but when I wake up those are the hardest mornings and my roughest days. Because I realize its all been a dream and he's gone. Some dreams I can't repeat because they are awful, those are the ones that make my heart race and I wake up in a sweat. Some nights I don't dream at all, because I don't sleep at all. I'm not sure if fear of dreaming is keeping me awake or something else but I've got to find away not to lie awake for hours in end only to never fall asleep. It's not caffeine I rarely drink anything except water, so who knows. Eventually I will sleep hopefully it's not at an inconvenient time.
I hope to feel good enough tomorrow to go see my mom. We are going to start working on a project. Hopefully that goes as planned.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Showing you Care
I've learned so much about the art of caring and showing it over the past almost 7 weeks. I know I'm a better more caring, understanding, positive person since the unthinkable happened. And I know how to better respond when anything tragic happens. Not just death, but any tragic event. I've been shown more empathy and caring than ever before. Maybe not by everyone who I would have thought would have shown it, but thinking back and even now I have been very well taken care if.
Jason has grieved in his own way and that way is very different from my way, but even as hurt as he's been he's always been right there with me. I've never had to cry alone if I didn't want to. He's pushed at just the right times and he's pulled back at all the right times. He's the only one who truly knows what kind of loss Joshua's death was to me. Because it was his loss too. Joshua was his baby just as much as he was my baby. Jason loved Joshua as much as I did, he hurts as much as I do.
My mom and dad Joshua's grand parents have been here when ever I needed them. They were there in the hospital to comfort me, took care of my older kids. Helped plan the services and helped me through that day. I'm not sure I would have made it back to my car without them. I wish I would have let my mom stay in the delivery room, my mind was not right. If I would have thought it I would have invited her to stay.
My sisters have been there to listen to me whenever I needed. Helped my parents make service arrangements, cook us dinner, and watch my children.
My whole in law family took time off to come comfort us through the service. And they were here when Joshua was born. Cleaning my house watching my children.
I've had 2 awesome friends bring us dinner. And some who just didn't know what else to do so they sent us cards. Some even sent us a gift card In case we needed something.
The people praying for us, our Pastor who called every couple days to check in and make sure I was taken care of has been amazing. We have had the flu going around the past week and he's called twice to check in. That's caring.
That's how you show you care. You be there. You show up when it counts. You make the calls. You drop by. You send a card. You send a gift. You make meal. You take time out and you help the ones who are in need. To me it's common since. These are things you just do.
I am thinking I may have misjudged some people as it turns out some people that I've been quite angry with may not have known, but I'm confused at how they didn't receive the message. And I'm just not ready to address that yet. I'm not sure I will be anytime soon. I'm still hurt by the ones who I know knew. I hope that makes since in some way.
Jason has grieved in his own way and that way is very different from my way, but even as hurt as he's been he's always been right there with me. I've never had to cry alone if I didn't want to. He's pushed at just the right times and he's pulled back at all the right times. He's the only one who truly knows what kind of loss Joshua's death was to me. Because it was his loss too. Joshua was his baby just as much as he was my baby. Jason loved Joshua as much as I did, he hurts as much as I do.
My mom and dad Joshua's grand parents have been here when ever I needed them. They were there in the hospital to comfort me, took care of my older kids. Helped plan the services and helped me through that day. I'm not sure I would have made it back to my car without them. I wish I would have let my mom stay in the delivery room, my mind was not right. If I would have thought it I would have invited her to stay.
My sisters have been there to listen to me whenever I needed. Helped my parents make service arrangements, cook us dinner, and watch my children.
My whole in law family took time off to come comfort us through the service. And they were here when Joshua was born. Cleaning my house watching my children.
I've had 2 awesome friends bring us dinner. And some who just didn't know what else to do so they sent us cards. Some even sent us a gift card In case we needed something.
The people praying for us, our Pastor who called every couple days to check in and make sure I was taken care of has been amazing. We have had the flu going around the past week and he's called twice to check in. That's caring.
That's how you show you care. You be there. You show up when it counts. You make the calls. You drop by. You send a card. You send a gift. You make meal. You take time out and you help the ones who are in need. To me it's common since. These are things you just do.
I am thinking I may have misjudged some people as it turns out some people that I've been quite angry with may not have known, but I'm confused at how they didn't receive the message. And I'm just not ready to address that yet. I'm not sure I will be anytime soon. I'm still hurt by the ones who I know knew. I hope that makes since in some way.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Day 4
I completed day 4 in the devotional today. It really is hard to do them. Today was about how others have reacted and how I would have liked them to react and how I would like for others to act now. I have to say its made me realize how few friends I really have, but at least I know who my real friends are.
I'm excited about next week my mom and I are cutting out and sewing our first Teeny Tears Diapers. I haven't heard back from Children's hospital yet but if I don't I'm going to stop by with a few sets and my contact information. Maybe once they have it infront of them they will be more wanting to talk to me. I have been told Mobile Infirmary will accept the diapers and I'm waiting to hear how many sets they need per year. I want to contact Springhill and Providence as well. But for my healing I need to do Mobile Infirmary first. I hope this project turns into great healing for me. I know it's only been 6 weeks and in grief time that is really a short time. But I feel so drawn to do this. The hardest part I believe will be the actual donating of the diapers. The going to the hospital and talking to people and dropping them off, knowing the pain the mothers will be in. I hope in some small way they help the families feel attached to their babies and see them as a whole person. I saw Joshua as a full person. But I've read where others didn't see their baby as complete, I hope this helps with that.
I have to think maybe that's what other people may have thought about Joshua. being that I was only 19 weeks medically what happened was either a miscarriage or a Termination. Any birth before 20 weeks is called a miscarriage, but because I was given medication to speed up delivery (already in unstoppable Labor) my hospital paper work said "induced Termination, pregnancy complicated by preterm rupture of membranes" (nice uh)
Anyway I sometime feel since I was not further along or since Joshua was not "viable" (another term I hate) or since he never came home that other people don't see him as a person. That other people don't see him as a baby that was born and died. That his life was not important and had no meaning. I guess that's why these diapers are so important to me. They will go to another baby with a card that has Joshua's name on it. I want everyone to understand that he was real. He was a person, he was my child, he had a name! Joshua was important he had meaning. I wanna scream that sometimes. My baby's life meant something!! This will give him a greater meaning, this will help others see him as a person.
I'm excited about next week my mom and I are cutting out and sewing our first Teeny Tears Diapers. I haven't heard back from Children's hospital yet but if I don't I'm going to stop by with a few sets and my contact information. Maybe once they have it infront of them they will be more wanting to talk to me. I have been told Mobile Infirmary will accept the diapers and I'm waiting to hear how many sets they need per year. I want to contact Springhill and Providence as well. But for my healing I need to do Mobile Infirmary first. I hope this project turns into great healing for me. I know it's only been 6 weeks and in grief time that is really a short time. But I feel so drawn to do this. The hardest part I believe will be the actual donating of the diapers. The going to the hospital and talking to people and dropping them off, knowing the pain the mothers will be in. I hope in some small way they help the families feel attached to their babies and see them as a whole person. I saw Joshua as a full person. But I've read where others didn't see their baby as complete, I hope this helps with that.
I have to think maybe that's what other people may have thought about Joshua. being that I was only 19 weeks medically what happened was either a miscarriage or a Termination. Any birth before 20 weeks is called a miscarriage, but because I was given medication to speed up delivery (already in unstoppable Labor) my hospital paper work said "induced Termination, pregnancy complicated by preterm rupture of membranes" (nice uh)
Anyway I sometime feel since I was not further along or since Joshua was not "viable" (another term I hate) or since he never came home that other people don't see him as a person. That other people don't see him as a baby that was born and died. That his life was not important and had no meaning. I guess that's why these diapers are so important to me. They will go to another baby with a card that has Joshua's name on it. I want everyone to understand that he was real. He was a person, he was my child, he had a name! Joshua was important he had meaning. I wanna scream that sometimes. My baby's life meant something!! This will give him a greater meaning, this will help others see him as a person.
Friday, January 25, 2013
6weeks 3weeks
Yesterday marked week number 6 since Joshua's birth. Man it seems like so much longer than that. I've been through so much that I never thought I would go through and still be standing. But I have made it to the 6 week mark and here I am, a completely different person, but still standing. I think about how my other children were at 6 weeks. It's not hard to think back to exactly 6 weeks because I always had my check up at 6 weeks. Madalyn was holding he head strong and eating a lot. Sleeping a little longer at night and awake most of the day. Collin was starting to wake up more but was still up every 4 hrs at night and I was so tired. He also had reflux. Aden had only been home for a week and I was so nervous with him and the apnea monitor. I was very protective. Landon was still in the NICU at 6 weeks and I will never forget the nurse who asked why I didn't bring the baby to my appointment. I told her he was still in the NICU and she had no clue what to say. Haleigh was already having blood work and test to see why she was still not growing and this is also when I found out my milk was making he sick. So 6 weeks with Joshua and he's not here do my memory will be what? That I am so tired, that I missed him today? Just is so unfair, that I don't get to make memories with him.
I didn't have a 6 week check up I went in at 3 weeks to get help. So it's been 3 weeks on the pills and I believe they are really helping especially with the obsessiveness. It's hard to explain how one goes from, not really caring that the house is always clean, to feeling like your coming out of your skin because a cup is dirty. I'm not sure why my mind decided to focus on cleaning as a coping skill but it did. I know that when I left for the hospital there were so many things that were on my to do list and they had not been crossed off that day. So the house was a mess. When I got home 4 days later the same clothes sat in a chair needing to be folded. There were dishes to be done the bathroom was a mess and my room looked like a bomb went off. And we needed to put up our Christmas tree. I decided to sit and fold clothes I didn't stop until they were all done then Jason vacuumed. We put the tree up and went to bed. The next morning the dishes were there and I did them. I washed clothes and matched socked. It kept me busy all day. By Monday every piece if clothing was washed, dried, folded and put away and the kitchen was always cleaned. My room was getting there. I worked like a robot for 3 weeks. When I went to the dr he asked me if I had any behavior changes and I told him about my cleaning. He said it was Post Traumatic Obsessive Disorder. It's all about being in control. Some people try to control their kids 100% of the time or their spouse or their job. My brain decided to control the cleaning. I have cleaned all the clutter and the house looks great. My meds have helped me in these last 3 weeks to resist the urges to wash dishes 16 Times a day or to wash clothes as soon as they are off my body. There are actually 2 loads needing folding right now. I'm proud that I was able to let go enough to sit and not fold them.
I still can't go without vacuuming everyday. But it's not 3 times a day. I still can't leave dishes behind and go to bed but I can leave lunch dishes until dinner. I still can't go a day with out washing all the clothes but I don't have to rush and fold while still warm.
I know it may sound crazy and that's ok. Because this is part of the new me. Part if my new life and my new normal.
I didn't have a 6 week check up I went in at 3 weeks to get help. So it's been 3 weeks on the pills and I believe they are really helping especially with the obsessiveness. It's hard to explain how one goes from, not really caring that the house is always clean, to feeling like your coming out of your skin because a cup is dirty. I'm not sure why my mind decided to focus on cleaning as a coping skill but it did. I know that when I left for the hospital there were so many things that were on my to do list and they had not been crossed off that day. So the house was a mess. When I got home 4 days later the same clothes sat in a chair needing to be folded. There were dishes to be done the bathroom was a mess and my room looked like a bomb went off. And we needed to put up our Christmas tree. I decided to sit and fold clothes I didn't stop until they were all done then Jason vacuumed. We put the tree up and went to bed. The next morning the dishes were there and I did them. I washed clothes and matched socked. It kept me busy all day. By Monday every piece if clothing was washed, dried, folded and put away and the kitchen was always cleaned. My room was getting there. I worked like a robot for 3 weeks. When I went to the dr he asked me if I had any behavior changes and I told him about my cleaning. He said it was Post Traumatic Obsessive Disorder. It's all about being in control. Some people try to control their kids 100% of the time or their spouse or their job. My brain decided to control the cleaning. I have cleaned all the clutter and the house looks great. My meds have helped me in these last 3 weeks to resist the urges to wash dishes 16 Times a day or to wash clothes as soon as they are off my body. There are actually 2 loads needing folding right now. I'm proud that I was able to let go enough to sit and not fold them.
I still can't go without vacuuming everyday. But it's not 3 times a day. I still can't leave dishes behind and go to bed but I can leave lunch dishes until dinner. I still can't go a day with out washing all the clothes but I don't have to rush and fold while still warm.
I know it may sound crazy and that's ok. Because this is part of the new me. Part if my new life and my new normal.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Busy
Today is Thursday and we all know how I feel about Thursdays. But today was a bit different. My children have been sick this week and home from school. Today Jason and I both felt drained from being up all night all week giving breathing treatments and fever meds. So we slept most of the day. It's wasn't until I was sitting after dinner and writing out school notes that I realized it was a Thursday, I'm not sure if it was I good thing I'm sure in some ways it was.
First not thinking about what day it was I got out of the house for the first time this week and it was a beautiful day. I went to my oldest child's softball practice, sat in the sun and watched her run. I was not surrounded by people but was not alone. The sun brightened my mood and have me a lift today. I'm sure if I had realized it was Thursday I would have just stayed home.
But I feel bad that I didn't remember. Maybe since its been 6 weeks I am now only going to remember the 13th of every month as bad and hard. Then maybe it will after a year be only the 13th of December. Maybe that's what people mean by it gets better with time. Because I honestly believe that the whole time heals all wounds is a compleat lie! I think maybe its just that we realize we can't hide away forever and that even though we don't want to we must get out of bed and we must try to live a life close to what we had before. Though it will never be the same. We know we have to try. So we put on a happy smile and go face the world with our hearts still crushed, but do we feel better...no not really.
We try to stay busy. Too busy to think about what day it is. To busy to remember every second of everyday that our baby is gone. To busy to miss him. Too busy to cry.
First not thinking about what day it was I got out of the house for the first time this week and it was a beautiful day. I went to my oldest child's softball practice, sat in the sun and watched her run. I was not surrounded by people but was not alone. The sun brightened my mood and have me a lift today. I'm sure if I had realized it was Thursday I would have just stayed home.
But I feel bad that I didn't remember. Maybe since its been 6 weeks I am now only going to remember the 13th of every month as bad and hard. Then maybe it will after a year be only the 13th of December. Maybe that's what people mean by it gets better with time. Because I honestly believe that the whole time heals all wounds is a compleat lie! I think maybe its just that we realize we can't hide away forever and that even though we don't want to we must get out of bed and we must try to live a life close to what we had before. Though it will never be the same. We know we have to try. So we put on a happy smile and go face the world with our hearts still crushed, but do we feel better...no not really.
We try to stay busy. Too busy to think about what day it is. To busy to remember every second of everyday that our baby is gone. To busy to miss him. Too busy to cry.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Forgiveness
I wish I was more like Christ when it comes to forgiveness. We are suppose to as Christians to forgive the way God forgave us.... Completely with an open heart. But I am not God I am human. I am flawed, so it's hard for me to forgive those who have hurt me, betrayed me, and turned from me. So what as a Christian am I suppose to do. Forgive anyway. As hard as it is for me I know I must.
Forgiveness doesn't mean that I will forget or that the wrong was not done. It means I am choosing to let God judge others and the wrong they have done but its not for me. I choose to let go of the hurt, the pain, and the anger that others have caused and give it to God. I don't have to be friends with them because I forgive them. I don't have to even speak to them or tell them I forgive them. I just have to let go forgive them and move on.
It's sad when you loose friendships, but sometimes something are just not meant to be. That's a lesson I've learned well over the past 6 weeks. Some people are not meant to stay in your life forever. Some people are only meant to pass through your life. And maybe return later. Sometimes maybe God is not saying "no never" but is just saying "no not now". It's hard to know the difference and unless you have a personal relationship with God it is impossible to know what he's saying and even with the relationship you need to really pray and then listen.
It's been hard for me to pray over the past 6 weeks. I prayed for 2 days for a sign in what to do after my water broke and he sent one. Then I prayed for God to some how make my baby the first at survive at 19 weeks but that was not to be. It was not an unanswered prayer. The answer was just no. And that's hard to understand. Because I know God wants me to be happy, he doesn't want me to hurt. Yet I'm hurting and sad. I prayed for the strength to hold Joshua and to bury him. I prayed to wake up from the nightmare I'm in. But after about a week I stopped praying and I'm not sure why. I am not angry at God. This was his plan. It is not something he did "to me". It was just part of the plan for my life. I don't know why my plan had to have such heart brake, and it's not for me to understand.
I have hope though that the sorrow in my life is over and that there are brighter days ahead of me. Not only for me but my whole family, we've been through so much, we need happiness, we need Grace.
Forgiveness doesn't mean that I will forget or that the wrong was not done. It means I am choosing to let God judge others and the wrong they have done but its not for me. I choose to let go of the hurt, the pain, and the anger that others have caused and give it to God. I don't have to be friends with them because I forgive them. I don't have to even speak to them or tell them I forgive them. I just have to let go forgive them and move on.
It's sad when you loose friendships, but sometimes something are just not meant to be. That's a lesson I've learned well over the past 6 weeks. Some people are not meant to stay in your life forever. Some people are only meant to pass through your life. And maybe return later. Sometimes maybe God is not saying "no never" but is just saying "no not now". It's hard to know the difference and unless you have a personal relationship with God it is impossible to know what he's saying and even with the relationship you need to really pray and then listen.
It's been hard for me to pray over the past 6 weeks. I prayed for 2 days for a sign in what to do after my water broke and he sent one. Then I prayed for God to some how make my baby the first at survive at 19 weeks but that was not to be. It was not an unanswered prayer. The answer was just no. And that's hard to understand. Because I know God wants me to be happy, he doesn't want me to hurt. Yet I'm hurting and sad. I prayed for the strength to hold Joshua and to bury him. I prayed to wake up from the nightmare I'm in. But after about a week I stopped praying and I'm not sure why. I am not angry at God. This was his plan. It is not something he did "to me". It was just part of the plan for my life. I don't know why my plan had to have such heart brake, and it's not for me to understand.
I have hope though that the sorrow in my life is over and that there are brighter days ahead of me. Not only for me but my whole family, we've been through so much, we need happiness, we need Grace.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Another day
I had a pretty good day today. I guess my days sometimes run together. I am out of the fog and I have come to terms with the fact that no matter what my baby is gone. Haleigh say it today. "I want to see Joshua" yes baby me too I answered her. She doesn't understand how final death is. I told her he's in heaven and we can't go until Jesus calls us there. Then we will see Joshua. She was so looking to be a big sister. And she will always have Joshua as a little brother. But not the way we pictured it to be.
I feel like sometimes I'm at a stand still I don't know what to do with my time. I am really not sure what I use to do before. I mean I know I was tired and busy but I don't know what I did all day. I sit hear with my clean house and wonder what I'm suppose to be doing. I don't know how to get back to my life. I really don't think I will ever get back completely. I need something to do and I had decided to wait to start doing anything with the diapers until next fall when the kids restarted school, but I'm thinking now it may be a good idea to start now. So that I have something to do. There is just so much of my time that is left doing nothing and that's the time I have the hardest time.
It's been 6 weeks and now I'm just lost and I have no idea if this feeling is normal or not. I've thought about the face to face support groups but i don't know if I want to go and sit infront of people who I do not know and cry and see them cry. I am not sure that will help me. Then again the other people who do go, go for a reason. So maybe it would help.
I feel like sometimes I'm at a stand still I don't know what to do with my time. I am really not sure what I use to do before. I mean I know I was tired and busy but I don't know what I did all day. I sit hear with my clean house and wonder what I'm suppose to be doing. I don't know how to get back to my life. I really don't think I will ever get back completely. I need something to do and I had decided to wait to start doing anything with the diapers until next fall when the kids restarted school, but I'm thinking now it may be a good idea to start now. So that I have something to do. There is just so much of my time that is left doing nothing and that's the time I have the hardest time.
It's been 6 weeks and now I'm just lost and I have no idea if this feeling is normal or not. I've thought about the face to face support groups but i don't know if I want to go and sit infront of people who I do not know and cry and see them cry. I am not sure that will help me. Then again the other people who do go, go for a reason. So maybe it would help.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Day 3
Today was a rough day. I really think it was because I was forced to sit down and think. I woke up this morning at 730 so I could jump in the shower and then get ready for church and to visit Joshua. But my shoulder blade felt like it was on fire. I couldn't even lift myself up. I got Madalyn to bring me some water and Motrin and she being such a great child cooked everyone breakfast then settled them down infront of the new ice age move. T
The Motrin helped a little, but I still was in a lot of pain, but pushed through and got up although I couldn't really get dressed because I couldn't lift my arm high enough. So in my PJs I stayed.
Not only could I not get dressed I also could not fold clothes, wash dishes, cook, or clean anything. So I sat and it gave me time to think and reflect. I didn't like it. I also did day 3 in the devotional book. It was good. Talked about avoidance and the different ways mothers greave. I realized that I do avoid things. I left church early to avoid the baby dedication, I try not to buy milk at Wal Mart Because its right beside the baby section. I scan through Facebook when people post pregnancy updates. And I avoided the hospital when friends have had babies. Now none of that is unexpected. Of course I don't want to go to those places but I will eventually have to. And I will need to. I will eventually be in the same room with a newborn boy who I will see and see Joshua. I don't have to push myself to be ok with any of it, but I have to realize I can't avoid this part of life forever. I don't know how long it may take for me to get up enough strength to hold another newborn. Especially a boy, but I'm getting there. I'm learning and I'm trying.
I do however get excited when I hear someone has birthed a healthy baby. As sad as I am that I don't have my child with me I know it has nothing to do with other people and their child. I would never wish this on anyone ever!
The Motrin helped a little, but I still was in a lot of pain, but pushed through and got up although I couldn't really get dressed because I couldn't lift my arm high enough. So in my PJs I stayed.
Not only could I not get dressed I also could not fold clothes, wash dishes, cook, or clean anything. So I sat and it gave me time to think and reflect. I didn't like it. I also did day 3 in the devotional book. It was good. Talked about avoidance and the different ways mothers greave. I realized that I do avoid things. I left church early to avoid the baby dedication, I try not to buy milk at Wal Mart Because its right beside the baby section. I scan through Facebook when people post pregnancy updates. And I avoided the hospital when friends have had babies. Now none of that is unexpected. Of course I don't want to go to those places but I will eventually have to. And I will need to. I will eventually be in the same room with a newborn boy who I will see and see Joshua. I don't have to push myself to be ok with any of it, but I have to realize I can't avoid this part of life forever. I don't know how long it may take for me to get up enough strength to hold another newborn. Especially a boy, but I'm getting there. I'm learning and I'm trying.
I do however get excited when I hear someone has birthed a healthy baby. As sad as I am that I don't have my child with me I know it has nothing to do with other people and their child. I would never wish this on anyone ever!
Meaning
As posted earlier. I am going to learn to sew Teeny Tears Diapers to donate to local hospitals to be used for their little born sleeping babies and those that pass away after birth. And some maybe asking why. Well that's simple, it means something. Maybe it's something that can't be explained. But imagine. You just have given birth to a beautiful sleeping baby. He's so small that there are no clothes to buy that will fit and no diaper because they just don't make diapers to fit a 10oz baby. So what is there to do. Simple the nurse wraps your baby in a small blanket and even though the blanket is nice and you will hold that blanket while you cry it's not the same as clothes for your child. And when you burry your child there are no clothes that will fit so you make sure to take the funeral home a blanket to wrap him in instead. It's sad. Clothes.... Everyone had clothes, but these tiny babies have no choice there is nothing to clothe them with, so we wrap them in blankets. That's the mission on Tiny Tears. To give each sleeping baby a diaper. Sounds easy enough right. I have learned the hardest part is actually getting in touch with the right people at the hospital. I am hoping I can help out with that locally since no local hospital has these diapers. I want so badly for other parents to have these. See they get 2. One goes on their baby. The other in their memory box to keep forever.
When I found out about Tiny Tears I was actually looking for blankets to make for sleeping babies. Something to show Joshua was here on earth and that he means something. That even while his life was very short that it could still mean something. In searching for different ideas I came across the pictures of these diapers and thought. Yes, I wish Joshua had one. So in reading more I realized I could make these diapers. The Tiny Tears would e mail me cards to go with them with Joshua's name on them and I could deliver them myself. It's exactly what I was looking for.
I have never sewed anything ever but everyone says these are so easy so I'm giving it my all. I will do this. It may take me longer than I want but I will get this going. I want to do something that has meaning to other parents who sadly will be exactly where I was and exactly where I am. I want then to have a diaper to put on their baby and to have him covered when he's buried not just wrapped.
This means something. This will mean something years from now. Joshua will help others heal, and maybe even help someone else make more diapers. I just hope that having something like this will at least make the parents smile even for just a moment and know that someone they never met loved their baby and cared about their feelings enough to make a diaper for their child.
When I found out about Tiny Tears I was actually looking for blankets to make for sleeping babies. Something to show Joshua was here on earth and that he means something. That even while his life was very short that it could still mean something. In searching for different ideas I came across the pictures of these diapers and thought. Yes, I wish Joshua had one. So in reading more I realized I could make these diapers. The Tiny Tears would e mail me cards to go with them with Joshua's name on them and I could deliver them myself. It's exactly what I was looking for.
I have never sewed anything ever but everyone says these are so easy so I'm giving it my all. I will do this. It may take me longer than I want but I will get this going. I want to do something that has meaning to other parents who sadly will be exactly where I was and exactly where I am. I want then to have a diaper to put on their baby and to have him covered when he's buried not just wrapped.
This means something. This will mean something years from now. Joshua will help others heal, and maybe even help someone else make more diapers. I just hope that having something like this will at least make the parents smile even for just a moment and know that someone they never met loved their baby and cared about their feelings enough to make a diaper for their child.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Friday, January 18, 2013
Living
I've been thinking a lot about how we live life. Looking forward to different things. Waiting for things to happen. Like most people just get through Monday to be closer to the weekend. Most people hate Mondays, it's the start of the week everyone is heading back to work or school, we have to get up early and we are tired when we get home. It's a Monday! People wait for vacations before having a good time with family, people wait for special days birthdays, anniversary ex.... To tell the people in their lives how they feel and to celebrate life. I have been the same way. But not anymore. Why can't we enjoy Mondays an celebrate our lives on Mondays or Tuesdays? Ask yourself have you hugged your child today? Have to told them how great full you are for them? Today is Friday. Did you wait all week for today to celebrate? Why? Yesterday was just as good as today. I've made up my mind I will not be waiting anymore if I want to spend extra time with my children on a random Tuesday well guess what I am going to pull them out of school and spend time with them. They are my children and I will do as I see fit as their mom. I will not wait if I want to celebrate their life in March and their birthday is in July I will celebrate their life in March. I will not wait to hug my children until they wake up I will wake them up when I feel like hugging them. I will not force them to wait on me to finish unimportant task to play with them. I will stop and play I will stop and enjoy them. I will not wait until the perfect time to take them to see things I want them to see. I will do it now. Stop planning on everyone always being there to enjoy things with you. No one is promised tomorrow. Take action do what you need to do today. Celebrate a Monday for no reason, sleep in on a Tuesday, go on a family field trip on a Thursday. But don't let life just pass by waiting on a Friday or waiting on special days. All days can be special. Live your life don't waist it waiting.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Blessed
I am so blessed to have people in my life who care and who are with me through everything. I have people who understand that if I don't answer the phone to try sending me a text or leave me a message because I may just not want to speak at the moment. I have times that I just want to be left alone. I'm thankful that they understand that but don't completely leave me either. I have people who are not scarred to ask me questions or talk with me about Joshua and use his name. I love it when people say his name out loud. To me it means they love him and will not forget him ever. It means he was real to others besides me, reminds me he was here, he was important and his life had meaning great meaning. I hope everyone knows how important it is to me that his life had meaning.
On that line I have been thinking a lot about how to be sure that I make his life even though so very short touches other lives. I have a few ideas on what I'm going to do to make sure his name is known, but for now that will have to wait until Joshua's sister is done with her surgeries. ( haleighstory.blogspot.com) That will happen this summer and I'm thinking by the time school starts in the fall I will be ready to begin my great project. I hope it helps bless the lives of other parents who will sadly be where I have been. I know I am going to have a huge support system in doing this.
On that line I have been thinking a lot about how to be sure that I make his life even though so very short touches other lives. I have a few ideas on what I'm going to do to make sure his name is known, but for now that will have to wait until Joshua's sister is done with her surgeries. ( haleighstory.blogspot.com) That will happen this summer and I'm thinking by the time school starts in the fall I will be ready to begin my great project. I hope it helps bless the lives of other parents who will sadly be where I have been. I know I am going to have a huge support system in doing this.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
A Month
It's been a full month today that Joshua has been gone. He wasn't even here but for a few minutes and then we got to spend a few hours with him before we said goodbye forever. It's so unfair, babies should not die its not natural. I just want to kiss his perfect little face today. I miss feeling him kick and seeing my belly grow. I wasn't even that big I didn't have time to get uncomfortably pregnant before he was born.
I would be 24 weeks now. That's the start of viability. If I could have held on until now he'd have a real shot at living. If my water would have broken today instead of a month ago Joshua would have had a chance. I just don't understand. I miss him so much.
We took him some purple flowers today and moved all the leaves off the grass. That's all there is left to do. It's just not fair.
I would be 24 weeks now. That's the start of viability. If I could have held on until now he'd have a real shot at living. If my water would have broken today instead of a month ago Joshua would have had a chance. I just don't understand. I miss him so much.
We took him some purple flowers today and moved all the leaves off the grass. That's all there is left to do. It's just not fair.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Dealing
I completed day 2 of the devotional and I think this book just gets harder. But I know I'm going to need it to deal. Today was about disconnect and made me think about where my relationships are that I had before Joshua was born and where they are now. I can honestly say that I have made a point to disconnect with most people because its easier to be alone. After realizing that I needed my friends I reached out today and it was good. I know a lot of people don't know what to say to me though and it's sad that instead of trying they just don't speak to me at all. That is their choice though, and I will not be where I'm not wanted. I can even tell I have distanced myself from my family and that was not intended. With the fog I have been in I didn't even realize until today. Jason and I are actually stronger now that I think we have ever been. I had heard that a lot of couples get divorced when things like this happen and I guess I can see that happening if your not open and honest with how your feeling everyday. It's hard especially when Jason has had a hard day and I've had a good day or vice versa. But we have become really good at reading each other. I guess 13 years of marriage does that.
My kids are a little distant and I am really trying with them but it's hard to know when is enough so I'm letting them lead. I want to be happy for them so bad. I know they can feel my depression and they know I'm not the same as I was before. I'm just not sure if they like who I am now. It worries me that I may not be paying enough attention to them and their needs. Not physically I know they have their physical needs met. Rather their mental and emotional needs. I am not equipped to support them with that right now. I can't even support myself in those areas but I am trying and they know they can talk to me anytime about anything. I have made it a point to make sure they know that there are pictures of Joshua that they can look at, that we will be putting together a scrap book for him that they can help with and that they are always allowed to talk about him at any time. Sometimes their timing on its not great. Like Haleigh telling the dr at her pre op that her brother was in heaven with Jesus. The ped just looked at me and I said yes Haleigh he is. She is so proud to have him even if he is in heaven she talks about him everyday. She one proud big sister.
My parents and sisters have been amazing and have stepped back and given me space that I have needed so badly after all the togetherness that Christmas brought and I can honestly say I am happy to be seeing them tomorrow for a birthday party. I miss them. And it will keep my mind busy as tomorrow marks 1 month since Joshua was born. A whole month. I'm taking him flowers tomorrow. I hope he can see them from heaven.
My kids are a little distant and I am really trying with them but it's hard to know when is enough so I'm letting them lead. I want to be happy for them so bad. I know they can feel my depression and they know I'm not the same as I was before. I'm just not sure if they like who I am now. It worries me that I may not be paying enough attention to them and their needs. Not physically I know they have their physical needs met. Rather their mental and emotional needs. I am not equipped to support them with that right now. I can't even support myself in those areas but I am trying and they know they can talk to me anytime about anything. I have made it a point to make sure they know that there are pictures of Joshua that they can look at, that we will be putting together a scrap book for him that they can help with and that they are always allowed to talk about him at any time. Sometimes their timing on its not great. Like Haleigh telling the dr at her pre op that her brother was in heaven with Jesus. The ped just looked at me and I said yes Haleigh he is. She is so proud to have him even if he is in heaven she talks about him everyday. She one proud big sister.
My parents and sisters have been amazing and have stepped back and given me space that I have needed so badly after all the togetherness that Christmas brought and I can honestly say I am happy to be seeing them tomorrow for a birthday party. I miss them. And it will keep my mind busy as tomorrow marks 1 month since Joshua was born. A whole month. I'm taking him flowers tomorrow. I hope he can see them from heaven.
Friday, January 11, 2013
Clarity
Since December 11th,2012 around 1015pm when my water broke I have felt somewhat drugged. In a fog or like I had a cloud around me. I'm thinking it was shock. Shock from the actual event and then everything that followed from being hospitalized to giving birth and Joshua dying. I really believe I have been in a state of shock for a month. I can't believe it's already been a month and yet it seems such a long time ago as well. I am grateful I was I the fog that I was in because if I hadn't been I don't know how I would have had the strength to do what I've done. And it's now becoming more painful to deal with Joshua's death. I'm missing apart of myself and in its place there is a hole that will never be filled.
If I had not been in shock I don't believe I would have had it in me to hold and bind with Joshua after he was born. Looking at his pictures are not the same I don't remember him looking the way the pictures look, but maybe that's because all I saw was my child. I even held him sitting in my lap while I ate dinner that night. I think back at how that must have looked to the nurses. I was even cracking some Jokes with Jason. I know NILMDTS has a picture of me smiling at Joshua holding him and she snapped it when Jason had said something but I can't remember what it was now. I can't wait for those pictures to come in the mail. I know everyone's emotions are different but I think sometimes "how did I smile at all" and I believe I have come to an answer in the past few days. I was in love with my baby and always will be. Yes it was terrible what happened but in those moments I was just spending time with my baby loving him and nothing more. The rest of the world was gone and I was just there in the moment with him.
I have thought more about what I did and didn't do and I know I made the right choice not to see him again the next morning even though I really wanted to I had said my goodbye the night before and I knew I'd never be able to hand him over again but I have thought about how that was my last chance and I said no. I know this is just mommy guilt, but it still just hurts.
I believe the meds I am on are helping me come out of this fog and my plan is to stay on them until June when I have my next appointment and then ask him about how to come off of them. I know I can't just up and stop talking them all at once. It will be 6 months from when I started and I think that's a good place to start getting myself back to a place where I don't need the meds any more.
I haven't been able to do day 2 in the devotional book yet. It will be taking me more than the 31 days to get through the book but I do believe it will help me. And in the long run will help me off the meds as well.
If I had not been in shock I don't believe I would have had it in me to hold and bind with Joshua after he was born. Looking at his pictures are not the same I don't remember him looking the way the pictures look, but maybe that's because all I saw was my child. I even held him sitting in my lap while I ate dinner that night. I think back at how that must have looked to the nurses. I was even cracking some Jokes with Jason. I know NILMDTS has a picture of me smiling at Joshua holding him and she snapped it when Jason had said something but I can't remember what it was now. I can't wait for those pictures to come in the mail. I know everyone's emotions are different but I think sometimes "how did I smile at all" and I believe I have come to an answer in the past few days. I was in love with my baby and always will be. Yes it was terrible what happened but in those moments I was just spending time with my baby loving him and nothing more. The rest of the world was gone and I was just there in the moment with him.
I have thought more about what I did and didn't do and I know I made the right choice not to see him again the next morning even though I really wanted to I had said my goodbye the night before and I knew I'd never be able to hand him over again but I have thought about how that was my last chance and I said no. I know this is just mommy guilt, but it still just hurts.
I believe the meds I am on are helping me come out of this fog and my plan is to stay on them until June when I have my next appointment and then ask him about how to come off of them. I know I can't just up and stop talking them all at once. It will be 6 months from when I started and I think that's a good place to start getting myself back to a place where I don't need the meds any more.
I haven't been able to do day 2 in the devotional book yet. It will be taking me more than the 31 days to get through the book but I do believe it will help me. And in the long run will help me off the meds as well.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Missing Everything
I really miss my baby today. My head is not foggy and I was able to think of other things besides Joshua. I was able to control my cleaning for most of the day, but reality has completely set in and I miss him. I just wish I could see him every now and then or kiss his sweet face. I know it's not going to happen. But man I miss him so much. I don't know how I'm going to live with this much pain of missing him for the rest of my life. It just hurts. I just miss my baby.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
31 days
I ordered a book last week called ...Grieving the child I never knew ...
I honestly didn't know if I'd read it I was in amazon ordering Haleigh a game for her Leaspster and if you order 25$ shipping is free I was at 20$ so I decided to look around. I found myself looking at grief books and finally decided on that one. But I honestly can't tell you why it was that one I picked. Probably because it was 10$.
I got it in the mail today. I knew what it was and I didn't open it right away but I knew I had to before the kids got home and started asking what was in the box. I just say it to the side at first. Didn't even crack the cover and though how dumb it was to order it and that I could probably send it back.
That book staired at me all day. I finally decided to ready the authors note in the front and see what it was at least made of. It surprised me that the book I had ordered was not to just read its a 31 day devotional for anyone grieving a child. So I decided to read this woman's story and then do day number 1 and let me tell you it's not easy.
I learned a lot in the first day already. About grief and about myself. I'm hiding and it's funny because Jason and I were just talking about this yesterday. I don't like people. I am nervous that someone will ask about what happened or about Joshua and if I'm not prepared I will brake down. I am fine if Im the one who brings it up and I do a lot because I love to talk about him. But I'm scared someone is not going to know and is going to ask. So to avoid that I hide. I hate going places and when I do go places I become panicked. Hence the shopping on amazon. So I need to work on that slowly but it needs to be worked on and tonight instead of making up a reason I couldn't go (because I had planned on not going) I went to a meeting and you know what nothing bad happened. No one asked and everyone treated me normally no odd looks. So slowly because the meeting was just 9 people but its a start. Another reason I like this book is because it Ties in the bible and God into your grief and healing. As far as I can tell its going to be a great help, at least I hope it will.
I honestly didn't know if I'd read it I was in amazon ordering Haleigh a game for her Leaspster and if you order 25$ shipping is free I was at 20$ so I decided to look around. I found myself looking at grief books and finally decided on that one. But I honestly can't tell you why it was that one I picked. Probably because it was 10$.
I got it in the mail today. I knew what it was and I didn't open it right away but I knew I had to before the kids got home and started asking what was in the box. I just say it to the side at first. Didn't even crack the cover and though how dumb it was to order it and that I could probably send it back.
That book staired at me all day. I finally decided to ready the authors note in the front and see what it was at least made of. It surprised me that the book I had ordered was not to just read its a 31 day devotional for anyone grieving a child. So I decided to read this woman's story and then do day number 1 and let me tell you it's not easy.
I learned a lot in the first day already. About grief and about myself. I'm hiding and it's funny because Jason and I were just talking about this yesterday. I don't like people. I am nervous that someone will ask about what happened or about Joshua and if I'm not prepared I will brake down. I am fine if Im the one who brings it up and I do a lot because I love to talk about him. But I'm scared someone is not going to know and is going to ask. So to avoid that I hide. I hate going places and when I do go places I become panicked. Hence the shopping on amazon. So I need to work on that slowly but it needs to be worked on and tonight instead of making up a reason I couldn't go (because I had planned on not going) I went to a meeting and you know what nothing bad happened. No one asked and everyone treated me normally no odd looks. So slowly because the meeting was just 9 people but its a start. Another reason I like this book is because it Ties in the bible and God into your grief and healing. As far as I can tell its going to be a great help, at least I hope it will.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Thinking
I think all day long and it's so unhealthy. I sit and think about everything I've done in my life and I wonder is there anything I could have done to prevent this from happening. I come up with the same I don't know answers. But it doesn't help. I sit and search for an answer as to why this happened and I come up empty again. I've looked at the same research for weeks and it all says the same thing. I just feel like there is something else out there for me to know. The only information I have come across that I didn't already know is that apparently Vitamin C can help strengthen the bag of waters and taken along with Zinc and a diet in high protein has shown to reduce the chances of a second PPROM. I had been craving orange juice for about a week and had 2 unopened bottles in the fridge the night my water broke. People say you crave what your body needs maybe I was extra low on vitamin C. I wasn't tested for that so I'm not sure if that was even the problem. I know I am searching in vain for these answers. I know even if I find one eventually that it won't bring Joshua back. I am just obsessed with it. I can't think if anything else my brain will not shut off.
My dr said its a form if Post Traumatic Obsessive Disorder and that a lot of people have it when they go through a traumatic life changing event. I couldn't control what happened so I'm trying to control everything else. I keep the house clean at all times there are never any dirty dishes there are never any dirty clothes. Because that's something I can control. The medicine he put me on helps with this along with the depression so I'm hoping I can get a handle on my controlling issues soon. The meds are helping. I know it takes 2-4 weeks to work and I haven't been on mine for even a week but it has helped me sleep some. I even slept the other night with out dreaming. I am hoping to get to more nights without dreams soon and leave the nightmares behind. Maybe then I will not be so tired during the day. Not that I can sleep any better in the day time either. But one dreamless night this week is better than last week so I will take it.
My dr said its a form if Post Traumatic Obsessive Disorder and that a lot of people have it when they go through a traumatic life changing event. I couldn't control what happened so I'm trying to control everything else. I keep the house clean at all times there are never any dirty dishes there are never any dirty clothes. Because that's something I can control. The medicine he put me on helps with this along with the depression so I'm hoping I can get a handle on my controlling issues soon. The meds are helping. I know it takes 2-4 weeks to work and I haven't been on mine for even a week but it has helped me sleep some. I even slept the other night with out dreaming. I am hoping to get to more nights without dreams soon and leave the nightmares behind. Maybe then I will not be so tired during the day. Not that I can sleep any better in the day time either. But one dreamless night this week is better than last week so I will take it.
Wanting to forget Wanting to remember
It's hard to feel so torn all the time. I so badly don't want to remember anything about this experience it hurts and I wish I could wipe it all from my memory. But I never want to forget Joshua. The way he felt kicking away. The way I felt seeing him on the ultrasound. The way he looked with his blond eye brows and small but there eye lashes. I never want to forget the way his chin dimpled. I want to remember everything about him forever but I wish it didn't hurt so much an that makes me want to forget.
Joshua had perfect formed features. You could already tell what he would have looked like as a newborn. I saw a little of each of the other kids in him. So when I see Landon pout I see Joshua's chin when I see Madalyn smile I see Joshua's lips. When I see Aden sleep I see Joshua shaped eyes. When I see Collin with wet hair and can see his forehead I see Joshua's as well. When I see Haleigh with her white hair I see Joshua's white eye brows too. They are great reminders if him even though we have a lot of pictures of him they are just flat images. Not real my living kids are breathing real reminders so that I don't forget the good I had with him and so that I don't forget the 19 weeks that I got to hold him.
Joshua had perfect formed features. You could already tell what he would have looked like as a newborn. I saw a little of each of the other kids in him. So when I see Landon pout I see Joshua's chin when I see Madalyn smile I see Joshua's lips. When I see Aden sleep I see Joshua shaped eyes. When I see Collin with wet hair and can see his forehead I see Joshua's as well. When I see Haleigh with her white hair I see Joshua's white eye brows too. They are great reminders if him even though we have a lot of pictures of him they are just flat images. Not real my living kids are breathing real reminders so that I don't forget the good I had with him and so that I don't forget the 19 weeks that I got to hold him.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Little Hearts
I know how much I hurt and how confusing all of this is for me a grown woman, I can only imagine how it must be for a child. They lost their brother and they don't know why. They understand less about the medical stuff than I do and they are hurting. My oldest child is 14 and she knew enough that when we left for the hospital the night my water broke that it was not good. She understood when we told her that the baby would die if we had to deliver what that would mean so when we told her we were having the baby she knew he would die. I think she hurt more because she understood. My 12 year old is more stand off. He like most men don't bond with kids before they are born. He didn't really understand that Joshua was gone until we had the service. He held him in the hospital but was instantly ready to leave. I believe that's how he has coped by not forming an attachment. My 9 year old has cried and tried to comfort me I'm not sure if he was crying because he lost a brother or because his mom was hurting. I do know that I saw a very rare caring side of that little boy and I know that if Joshua would have lived his brother would have always been there for him. He has asked why Joshua had to die and I tell him the truth. That I just do not know but that Jesus has him in heaven and we will see him when we get there. My 6 year old had been talking about everyone dying. Wanting to know when his dad and I will die and when he will die. I try to tell him I plan to be here a very long time but that no one knows when we are going to die. My 4 year old understands even less she asks all the time why Joshua had to die. I tell her I do not know. She asked me this morning if I was sure Joshua was ok. I asked her what she ment she said she wanted to go to heaven to check on him and make sure he was not crying and not hungry. It broke my heart. She so wanted her brother. She tells me she loves him. She looks at his pictures and kisses him goodnight. She would have been a great big sister. She would have hugged him to pieces.
There is just no way to really explain death to children. I know Joshua is watching over them and is our angel but honestly is rather have him here then as my angel. I miss him so much.
There is just no way to really explain death to children. I know Joshua is watching over them and is our angel but honestly is rather have him here then as my angel. I miss him so much.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Saturday, January 5, 2013
There will be a day..., Jeremy Camp
There will be a day with no more tears
No more pain, and no more fears.
There will be a day when the burdens
Of this place
Will be no more
We'll see Jesus face to face.
But until that day we'll hold on to you
Always.
This song is so comforting.
No more pain, and no more fears.
There will be a day when the burdens
Of this place
Will be no more
We'll see Jesus face to face.
But until that day we'll hold on to you
Always.
This song is so comforting.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Possibilities
I lay in bed and wonder about all the possible outcomes for life. How any of us survive to adulthood is purely by the grace of God. And those that don't were simply to great for this world. I truly believe that Joshua was too great for earth. But I wonder what the possibilities would have been for him. Even if we would have been able to get to viability what kind of life would he have had. A lot and probably most people don't know what the water actually does while your pregnant. For starters it develops the lungs and kidney. Without the water to more around the arm and legs can become bound and cause loss of limbs or low function. There are mental handicaps like CP that could also result in not having water, infection is high for both mother and baby. But even with all that there are women that carry close to term, their babies spend a few extra months in the NICU because mostly of breathing and lung issues and then they go home and lead a mostly normal life.
I wish I could have heard him cry. Seen him smile. Made him laugh.
The morning after my water broke we were faced with the choice to try and beat the odds and know the high chance of Joshua being "not perfect" and even dying despite everything or being induced. I got to say I never thought I would have to make that choice. Things like this do not happen to people like me. I did what I was suppose to do. I didn't drink or smoke no drugs. I went to my appointments got my shots. Listened to my OB. I was suppose to be healthy.
My OB said I needed 48 hours of bed rest and antibiotics. If I wanted to continue being pregnant then I could go home and wait until I hit 23 weeks then I would be admitted into the children's hospital until delivery. I don't think I have ever prayed for God to show me what to do so hard in my life. I know there were a lot of people praying for us as well.
The next morning my OB is there to check on me and ask if we made a choice yet. No I tell him I can't do it. I can not choice anything. I tell him I don't want to do "this" anymore. Not long after that i start bleeding and I know God is telling me to let go that he's taking Joshua with him and I can't stop it. My OB explained that with the bleeding And contractions that we would have to stay in the hospital. Because I had a section before they had to be sure I was ok. After a few more hrs and a lot more heavy bleeding. We made the heartbreaking choice to let Joshua go. My dr gave me some meds to speed delivery because the bleeding had gotten worse he was worried about possible surgery. I got an epidural and 2 hours later Joshua was born.
Only God knew when I got my positive test that Joshua's life would be so short and that he would have so few possibilities. I never imagined I'd have to make the choice I made. It hurts that I couldn't lay there and be a success story. But God he knew from the beginning and he knows my pain, remember he too once lost his son. He knows the possibilities for my life and where I am headed. I pray it's better than where I am now.
I wish I could have heard him cry. Seen him smile. Made him laugh.
The morning after my water broke we were faced with the choice to try and beat the odds and know the high chance of Joshua being "not perfect" and even dying despite everything or being induced. I got to say I never thought I would have to make that choice. Things like this do not happen to people like me. I did what I was suppose to do. I didn't drink or smoke no drugs. I went to my appointments got my shots. Listened to my OB. I was suppose to be healthy.
My OB said I needed 48 hours of bed rest and antibiotics. If I wanted to continue being pregnant then I could go home and wait until I hit 23 weeks then I would be admitted into the children's hospital until delivery. I don't think I have ever prayed for God to show me what to do so hard in my life. I know there were a lot of people praying for us as well.
The next morning my OB is there to check on me and ask if we made a choice yet. No I tell him I can't do it. I can not choice anything. I tell him I don't want to do "this" anymore. Not long after that i start bleeding and I know God is telling me to let go that he's taking Joshua with him and I can't stop it. My OB explained that with the bleeding And contractions that we would have to stay in the hospital. Because I had a section before they had to be sure I was ok. After a few more hrs and a lot more heavy bleeding. We made the heartbreaking choice to let Joshua go. My dr gave me some meds to speed delivery because the bleeding had gotten worse he was worried about possible surgery. I got an epidural and 2 hours later Joshua was born.
Only God knew when I got my positive test that Joshua's life would be so short and that he would have so few possibilities. I never imagined I'd have to make the choice I made. It hurts that I couldn't lay there and be a success story. But God he knew from the beginning and he knows my pain, remember he too once lost his son. He knows the possibilities for my life and where I am headed. I pray it's better than where I am now.
Angry
Dealing with more anger today. I hate being angry it's just not who I am or I guess who I was.
I'm finding myself angry at medical research. I think the medical communities should have a better plan in place for moms who have the water brake so early (PPROM). There should be some kind of treatment that is better than what we have now. There should be a way to make your body think its ok so that labor doesn't begin and the placenta stays attached as it should be.
I'm mad that there was nothing me to do there was nothing for the doctors to do there is no treatments there is no action plan at 19 weeks there is nothing because there is no lung tissue to work with.
It's so hard to know that if I could have tricked my body into thinking it was ok and tricked it into not contracting that maybe I could have held on longer and maybe I would be almost 23 weeks now and headed into the hospital for more bed rest.
All these what ifs are not good for me but while looking for PPROM loss support I have instead found a lot of PPROM success stories making me feel like a failure. My body suck and Im made at it too. I hate that I started bleeding an had to deliver. I hate that I could not hold Joshua in another few months and give him a chance at life. I'm mad that I didn't have the choice to give him a chance. My body failed me it failed him.
I've told him I am so sorry. I told him the night he was born as I kissed his sweet bald head how sorry I was that I couldn't give him a real chance at life. I have told him after that too. Sometimes I sit and can talk to him. I know that may sound crazy to some people and to them I say..... Come back when you have lost a child and see how crazy it really is because I promise it won't seem so crazy to you then.
I haven't actually had a bad day today. I am just depressed and want to sleep. It was just me and Haleigh this morning so I did get a little more sleep and I stayed in bed longer than I really should have. But the kids are home now and even with a house full I feel empty. I feel as though life is going on around me but I'm not apart of it, not the way I use to be. Not the way I want to be. Maybe this med will help soon and I will feel apart if life again. I wanna live my life no have life live around me.
I don't want to miss my living children's lives either. It's so hard. I love Joshua so much and In a way I. Feel like if I let go of the hurt and the loneliness that I am leaving him like I'm letting him go. I don't want to let him go. Joshua is forever apart of me and if that means hurting everyday for the rest of my life I'm ok with that. I just hope that the pain subsides enough so that my living children can have some form of their mother back.
I'm finding myself angry at medical research. I think the medical communities should have a better plan in place for moms who have the water brake so early (PPROM). There should be some kind of treatment that is better than what we have now. There should be a way to make your body think its ok so that labor doesn't begin and the placenta stays attached as it should be.
I'm mad that there was nothing me to do there was nothing for the doctors to do there is no treatments there is no action plan at 19 weeks there is nothing because there is no lung tissue to work with.
It's so hard to know that if I could have tricked my body into thinking it was ok and tricked it into not contracting that maybe I could have held on longer and maybe I would be almost 23 weeks now and headed into the hospital for more bed rest.
All these what ifs are not good for me but while looking for PPROM loss support I have instead found a lot of PPROM success stories making me feel like a failure. My body suck and Im made at it too. I hate that I started bleeding an had to deliver. I hate that I could not hold Joshua in another few months and give him a chance at life. I'm mad that I didn't have the choice to give him a chance. My body failed me it failed him.
I've told him I am so sorry. I told him the night he was born as I kissed his sweet bald head how sorry I was that I couldn't give him a real chance at life. I have told him after that too. Sometimes I sit and can talk to him. I know that may sound crazy to some people and to them I say..... Come back when you have lost a child and see how crazy it really is because I promise it won't seem so crazy to you then.
I haven't actually had a bad day today. I am just depressed and want to sleep. It was just me and Haleigh this morning so I did get a little more sleep and I stayed in bed longer than I really should have. But the kids are home now and even with a house full I feel empty. I feel as though life is going on around me but I'm not apart of it, not the way I use to be. Not the way I want to be. Maybe this med will help soon and I will feel apart if life again. I wanna live my life no have life live around me.
I don't want to miss my living children's lives either. It's so hard. I love Joshua so much and In a way I. Feel like if I let go of the hurt and the loneliness that I am leaving him like I'm letting him go. I don't want to let him go. Joshua is forever apart of me and if that means hurting everyday for the rest of my life I'm ok with that. I just hope that the pain subsides enough so that my living children can have some form of their mother back.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Another Thursday and a Check up
( I had wrote this post already once today I guessing cyber world ate it because there is now just a blank page. So take #2. )
I went the dr today. I apparently missed and appointment on December the 26th. It's no where on my paper work it actually says January 27th. So they called to set something up and when I asked about some antidepressant and lost it on the phone with the nurse she decided it was better that I come in today. I really wanted to just sleep but knew I needed to go.
I was a complete mess at the office. Luckily they didn't put me in the waiting room for long as soon as I peed in my cup I was in an exam room. That was a blessing. I blabbered though my vital signs with my nurse she was being sweet I was crying. Apparently she thought the scale was wrong because I weighed twice.
My dr was very understanding of all the crying and didn't make me feel rushed at all. I didn't say too much because I was busy crying. My dr had a lot to say though.
First, I was over weight and its a good thing that I've lost some weight but 18 pounds in 3 weeks is not so good. So I need to start trying to eat more. Blah. Eating makes me puke so I'm not sure how that's going to go. But we will see.
Second I'm doing great physically. I'm healed from birth. That's great.
Third I'm depressed. So he asked if I wanted some antidepressant. Um... Yes please. I know they will not take away all if my pain and the ache in my arms will forever be there to just hold Joshua one more time but it will help me cope and be able to go places more and be around people and function. And sleep.
Fourth was birth control. I said yes to that and got some pills. He will not talk to me about permanent BC until my next check up in June. I was not ready to talk about it yet any way so that was a good thing. So pills for now it is.
Fifth and lastly we went over the test. All my blood work and swabs from 16 weeks when I had some bleeding and the night my water broke were all clear. No infection no underlying people's with me. All the test on the cord/blood/placenta also came back clear there was no genetic disorder no infection to Joshua either. So my water broke on a fluke. Because it was a fluke the chances if it happening again are less than 1%. Still so scary. He said that he's only had a handful of cases with water braking at 19 weeks on a fluke and the last one before mine was 4 years ago. He told me how sorry he was that there was not more we could have done and made sure I knew it was in no way my fought.
And that was it. It's over my prenatal care for Joshua is done. I go back in June for my yearly and to get more antidepressant and BC. But that's it no more dr visits. And even that makes me sad.
I went the dr today. I apparently missed and appointment on December the 26th. It's no where on my paper work it actually says January 27th. So they called to set something up and when I asked about some antidepressant and lost it on the phone with the nurse she decided it was better that I come in today. I really wanted to just sleep but knew I needed to go.
I was a complete mess at the office. Luckily they didn't put me in the waiting room for long as soon as I peed in my cup I was in an exam room. That was a blessing. I blabbered though my vital signs with my nurse she was being sweet I was crying. Apparently she thought the scale was wrong because I weighed twice.
My dr was very understanding of all the crying and didn't make me feel rushed at all. I didn't say too much because I was busy crying. My dr had a lot to say though.
First, I was over weight and its a good thing that I've lost some weight but 18 pounds in 3 weeks is not so good. So I need to start trying to eat more. Blah. Eating makes me puke so I'm not sure how that's going to go. But we will see.
Second I'm doing great physically. I'm healed from birth. That's great.
Third I'm depressed. So he asked if I wanted some antidepressant. Um... Yes please. I know they will not take away all if my pain and the ache in my arms will forever be there to just hold Joshua one more time but it will help me cope and be able to go places more and be around people and function. And sleep.
Fourth was birth control. I said yes to that and got some pills. He will not talk to me about permanent BC until my next check up in June. I was not ready to talk about it yet any way so that was a good thing. So pills for now it is.
Fifth and lastly we went over the test. All my blood work and swabs from 16 weeks when I had some bleeding and the night my water broke were all clear. No infection no underlying people's with me. All the test on the cord/blood/placenta also came back clear there was no genetic disorder no infection to Joshua either. So my water broke on a fluke. Because it was a fluke the chances if it happening again are less than 1%. Still so scary. He said that he's only had a handful of cases with water braking at 19 weeks on a fluke and the last one before mine was 4 years ago. He told me how sorry he was that there was not more we could have done and made sure I knew it was in no way my fought.
And that was it. It's over my prenatal care for Joshua is done. I go back in June for my yearly and to get more antidepressant and BC. But that's it no more dr visits. And even that makes me sad.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Is it 2014 yet?
Yes I realize it's the 2nd day of 2013, but I'm expecting this year to be bad and I'm hoping for a fresh start in 2014.
We started 2012 pretty good and had a great family vacation that I will always remember. But then Joshua was born and died, so the end of 2012 was awful. And the start to 2013 has been painful. I'm tired. I couldn't keep up with the smiles and laughter today and just broke down. I think I probably scared Jason a little. I just wanted to sleep until the pain goes away. I'm know this pain is never going anywhere, I'm so depressed, I called my OB and asked who I could go to to get some help and he decided he wants to see me tomorrow morning. I'm guessing my brake down on the phone with them didn't help at all. I'm not sure what they will give me but honestly I hope it makes me sleepy. Keeping up with being happy is hard and makes me so so tired. Grief makes me so so tired. Crying makes me so so tired. And I cry all the time, I try very hard not to cry and brake down in front of the kids. I don't want to scare them but really I am having such a hard time keeping it together and keeping a happy face on. I don't know how to just be happy. I'm trying I really am.
It will be 3 weeks tomorrow. 3weeks. I'm I don't even know..... I'm just sad. I'm here and life is going on all around me and I just wanna shut down.
We started 2012 pretty good and had a great family vacation that I will always remember. But then Joshua was born and died, so the end of 2012 was awful. And the start to 2013 has been painful. I'm tired. I couldn't keep up with the smiles and laughter today and just broke down. I think I probably scared Jason a little. I just wanted to sleep until the pain goes away. I'm know this pain is never going anywhere, I'm so depressed, I called my OB and asked who I could go to to get some help and he decided he wants to see me tomorrow morning. I'm guessing my brake down on the phone with them didn't help at all. I'm not sure what they will give me but honestly I hope it makes me sleepy. Keeping up with being happy is hard and makes me so so tired. Grief makes me so so tired. Crying makes me so so tired. And I cry all the time, I try very hard not to cry and brake down in front of the kids. I don't want to scare them but really I am having such a hard time keeping it together and keeping a happy face on. I don't know how to just be happy. I'm trying I really am.
It will be 3 weeks tomorrow. 3weeks. I'm I don't even know..... I'm just sad. I'm here and life is going on all around me and I just wanna shut down.
Hard day
♥ ‘”For I know the plans I have for you’ says the Lord, ‘They are plans for good, and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” -Jeremaiah 29:11
♥ “How very quietly you tiptoed into our world, silently, only a moment you stayed. But what an imprint your footprints have left upon our hearts.’” -Unknown
♥ “How very quietly you tiptoed into our world, silently, only a moment you stayed. But what an imprint your footprints have left upon our hearts.’” -Unknown
If I was still pregnant.......
I know it's not good to think like that but I can't help it. I have thoughts like. If I was still pregnant I'd be 21.3 weeks and feeling him move more. And tonight as I was cleaning up after my sick daughter I was thinking, I would be trying to clean up after her and puking too if I was still pregnant. I thought about having a New Year's Eve drink but didn't because I should still be pregnant. It's after Christmas and we were going to order out cloth diapers around now if I was still pregnant we would be picking out prints for covers.
There is just so much we never got to do for him there is so much I want to do still its like my brain has not had time to catch up with my new world because sometimes I forget. I wake up with a hand on my belly where my growing bump should be. Sometimes I walk by the baby section and think I should go look. Sometimes I see his things and remember he will never use them. Sometimes I see his memory box and realize there is nothing more to add to them. That's it all the memories i will ever have if Joshua are in that box. I can't make new memories with him. He's gone and it sucks. I should still be pregnant. I could have handled being pregnant and a sick child. Bring pregnant and having Haleigh's surgery I could have done that. I could have handled being super busy and being pregnant. I could have been super busy with 6 kids. I would have been fine. All that I could have handled just fine. But this, this is not fine, this I am not doing fine with. This is not ok. This i can not handle. This is pain beyond explaining. I should still be pregnant.......
There is just so much we never got to do for him there is so much I want to do still its like my brain has not had time to catch up with my new world because sometimes I forget. I wake up with a hand on my belly where my growing bump should be. Sometimes I walk by the baby section and think I should go look. Sometimes I see his things and remember he will never use them. Sometimes I see his memory box and realize there is nothing more to add to them. That's it all the memories i will ever have if Joshua are in that box. I can't make new memories with him. He's gone and it sucks. I should still be pregnant. I could have handled being pregnant and a sick child. Bring pregnant and having Haleigh's surgery I could have done that. I could have handled being super busy and being pregnant. I could have been super busy with 6 kids. I would have been fine. All that I could have handled just fine. But this, this is not fine, this I am not doing fine with. This is not ok. This i can not handle. This is pain beyond explaining. I should still be pregnant.......
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Tuesday
I Have decided I do not like Tuesdays. My water broke on a Tuesday so it's tied with a Thursday with bad days and Joshua's service was also on a Tuesday. 2 whole weeks since we buried my baby. It seems in a since like it has been such a much longer time probably because of how busy we have been with Christmas and New Years. And then in another since it seemes like it was yesterday. The pain is like it was yesterday. People keep saying it will get easier everyday well ya know that's a complete lie! My days have not gotten any better. The only thing that is better is my hiding tears and forcing a smile everyday. But the pain. No that has not gotten better. If anything it's worse. I miss him more everyday and my arms ache to hold him just once more. So there is no way it's getting better or easier everyday. That's just a complete lie!
I am however taking things one day at a time. I mean really there is no other way to do it you can't skip days. Although I have tried. I now do not make plans to far in advance you just never know what could happen between now and your plans. I've made plans my whole life. It's just who I am I am a planner. I make list, I line everything out for everyone in the house. I plan everything way before anything ever needs to be planned. Most of the time things go the way I have planned. Not everything always goes exactly as planned and there have been a few times I've had to make a new plan, but this is different. This time my plan was ripped out of my hands and thrown way and there is no other plan there is nothing I can do about it there is not a plan B. you can't plan ahead to bury your baby. You can't plan to grieve you can't plan to morn. You just have to live it day in and day out. You have to feel the pain and live the madness. And hope that one day you will wake up and your head will not throb as bad, that the tears will not flow,that your heart will not burn and that your arms will not ache. That day is not today and I don't see it being any day soon. One thing is for sure I don't see that day being a Tuesday or a Thursday.
Some people say you don't know what you have until its gone. I knew what I had I just didn't think it would be gone so soon.
I am however taking things one day at a time. I mean really there is no other way to do it you can't skip days. Although I have tried. I now do not make plans to far in advance you just never know what could happen between now and your plans. I've made plans my whole life. It's just who I am I am a planner. I make list, I line everything out for everyone in the house. I plan everything way before anything ever needs to be planned. Most of the time things go the way I have planned. Not everything always goes exactly as planned and there have been a few times I've had to make a new plan, but this is different. This time my plan was ripped out of my hands and thrown way and there is no other plan there is nothing I can do about it there is not a plan B. you can't plan ahead to bury your baby. You can't plan to grieve you can't plan to morn. You just have to live it day in and day out. You have to feel the pain and live the madness. And hope that one day you will wake up and your head will not throb as bad, that the tears will not flow,that your heart will not burn and that your arms will not ache. That day is not today and I don't see it being any day soon. One thing is for sure I don't see that day being a Tuesday or a Thursday.
Some people say you don't know what you have until its gone. I knew what I had I just didn't think it would be gone so soon.
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