A Headstone ....Round 2

Something's while not easier to deal with were easier to do when the girls died as compared to when Joshua died. I wasn't as scared. I knew what they would look like. I knew that I would have as long as I wanted with them. I knew what pictures I wanted. I already knew what funeral home we would call. I knew the plot where we would rest their bodies. I knew what kind of service I wanted for them. I knew who I wanted with me that day. I knew how empty I would feel when I walked away from there that day.

Something's are harder. Something's are very different. 

I have no idea how I want their head stone to read. We know we want one for them. We know we want 2 teddy bears on the side where Joshua's train is. But that's it. Jason wants Faith and Hope Greer. I want Faith Aubree and Hope Amelia with Greer under it or above it maybe. I think I want "baby sisters" on there the way we have "baby brother" on Joshua's. But I'm not sure about that even. Why is it so much harder to pick something for them? 

Living with open eyes

I have come along way over the past year in where I am in my over all Faith that God really does know better than I do, the plans he has for my life. 

It's opened my eyes to a new world. A world I didn't even know existed. A world where you don't worry everyday because you know that God has this. There is nothing bigger than my God. 

That however is not the world I lived in before. It's strange how much a year really matters. How much a year can change someone. 

I think about where I was once. Living the way I did. Sure I went to church and sure I learned a lot. But things were the same. We still skipped Church on Joe Cain Sunday to go downtown, kids and beer in tow. Hey we weren't hurting anyone, we even parked in a church parking lot and set up our grill in the area next to us. Did the church still have service that day? Yup they did. I remember looking at the people going into that church thinking "why can they not take one Sunday off?"  Now that was a few years ago, not last year. 

But I understand now. 

It's not about Sunday. It's not about church. It's about a relationship with Jesus, and you don't take "brakes" in your relationship with him. 

I admit that when Joshua died I felt completely abandoned. By God, by people who were suppose to be my friends, by people who were suppose to be my brothers and sisters In Christ, and even by some family. I sometimes even felt like I wasn't worthy of their support. I have harbored pain, bitterness, depression, and Anxiety over simply not being good enough. 

I did not give myself enough time to work through that when my Girls died too. Felt less abandoned, by more alone. I had never been shown the love my Church family poured over me when I buried them. I could feel their prayers. Their repeated gifts of food. Their hugs and smiles and simple phone calls showed me that I was where I was meant to be. But in a crowded room I still felt alone. But not abandoned. 

I believe all things happen for the glory of God. I believe that I am where I am suppose to be. Serving where I am suppose to be serving. I however would not be here if I hadn't lost Joshua. If he was alive and well I could see us still going to church on Sundays and sometimes taking a brake from it to go grill in a church parking lot. I would never have needed my pastor to love me before he knew me. I would not have needed him to pray over me and my baby while I was in labor. I wouldn't have needed him to Pray with me at Joshua's service. I wouldn't have know the love through Christ that he has. 

As much as Joshua brought us into where to worship we still fought to actually move there. We drove 40 mins one way some Sundays. When we found out we were having twins is when I decided I needed to live closer to my mom and sisters. So we moved. 10 mins from the church we worship and serve at. 2 weeks later my girls died. 

My children had meaning. They had a mission from God. Joshua's mission was to show me the love of God through my pastor. Faith and Hope. Their mission was to move us closer to family and church. And in doing that it has moved us closer to God. 

What an amazing gift my children have given me. I'm so glad I can see It now. 

I see the way we use to live. I see the way we live now. And I am thankful for every change God has allowed to happen to us. 

I am in no way "over" the deaths of my children and I don't believe over is really something you ever do. I believe living with the pain and missing them gets easier but it's always there. I love them and will love them and miss them until my last breath. Then I will see them and will get to tell them Thank-you. For choosing me as you mother and thank you for helping me see what I needed to see and to look at the world with my eyes open. 

Living with open eyes

I have come along way over the past year in where I am in my over all Faith that God really does know better than I do, the plans he has for my life. 

It's opened my eyes to a new world. A world I didn't even know existed. A world where you don't worry everyday because you know that God has this. There is nothing bigger than my God. 

That however is not the world I lived in before. It's strange how much a year really matters. How much a year can change someone. 

I think about where I was once. Living the way I did. Sure I went to church and sure I learned a lot. But things were the same. We still skipped Church on Joe Cain Sunday to go downtown, kids and beer in tow. Hey we weren't hurting anyone, we even parked in a church parking lot and set up our grill in the area next to us. Did the church still have service that day? Yup they did. I remember looking at the people going into that church thinking "why can they not take one Sunday off?"  Now that was a few years ago, not last year. 

But I understand now. 

It's not about Sunday. It's not about church. It's about a relationship with Jesus, and you don't take "brakes" in your relationship with him. 

I admit that when Joshua died I felt completely abandoned. By God, by people who were suppose to be my friends, by people who were suppose to be my brothers and sisters In Christ, and even by some family. I sometimes even felt like I wasn't worthy of their support. I have harbored pain, bitterness, depression, and Anxiety over simply not being good enough. 

I did not give myself enough time to work through that when my Girls died too. Felt less abandoned, by more alone. I had never been shown the love my Church family poured over me when I buried them. I could feel their prayers. Their repeated gifts of food. Their hugs and smiles and simple phone calls showed me that I was where I was meant to be. But in a crowded room I still felt alone. But not abandoned. 

I believe all things happen for the glory of God. I believe that I am where I am suppose to be. Serving where I am suppose to be serving. I however would not be here if I hadn't lost Joshua. If he was alive and well I could see us still going to church on Sundays and sometimes taking a brake from it to go grill in a church parking lot. I would never have needed my pastor to love me before he knew me. I would not have needed him to pray over me and my baby while I was in labor. I wouldn't have needed him to Pray with me at Joshua's service. I wouldn't have know the love through Christ that he has. 

As much as Joshua brought us into where to worship we still fought to actually move there. We drove 40 mins one way some Sundays. When we found out we were having twins is when I decided I needed to live closer to my mom and sisters. So we moved. 10 mins from the church we worship and serve at. 2 weeks later my girls died. 

My children had meaning. They had a mission from God. Joshua's mission was to show me the love of God through my pastor. Faith and Hope. Their mission was to move us closer to family and church. And in doing that it has moved us closer to God. 

What an amazing gift my children have given me. I'm so glad I can see It now. 

I see the way we use to live. I see the way we live now. And I am thankful for every change God has allowed to happen to us. 

I am in no way "over" the deaths of my children and I don't believe over is really something you ever do. I believe living with the pain and missing them gets easier but it's always there. I love them and will love them and miss them until my last breath. Then I will see them and will get to tell them Thank-you. For choosing me as you mother and thank you for helping me see what I needed to see and to look at the world with my eyes open.