Today I went to see Joshua on one of my many visits. I was missing him and in the area, I also wanted to see if his headstone had been set. It hasn't. We were told it would take up to 8 weeks. 8weeks was yesterday. I was greatly disappointed that it wasn't there. So I sat for a few minutes, moved some leaves, straightened his flowers. Then a car pulls in, there is normally no traffic there and no one has ever been visiting on the side where I am when I am there. (Is that strange, never thought of it before.) A lady gets out, I look up softly smile and look back down. This is how the next few minutes went, lady-"I'm sorry, I don't mean to disturb you" me "no it's ok" she walks by me a little then turns and says "is that your baby" I answer "yes" she nods and says "I'm so sorry, I'm here to see my baby too, how old?" I find this questions so hard so I simply say "he was stillborn" she said "oh honey I'm so sorry, it takes a lot of time but the hurt although never goes away will lessen" I thank her any she walks to her sons grave. Stays a few minutes and when she walks back by I thank her again. She tells me her son was 15 and she use to spend hours out there with him. Told me "don't let others tell you how to grieve, that's your baby you grieve how you need to, and that pull you feel in you heart, that's him he's there always." I couldn't speak I nodded again and she turned and left. I don't know how long it's been since her son passed. I didn't look to see what grave was his. I don't know her name or his. But tonight I pray that she can feel and know what a great comfort she was to me today and that one day I may be strong enough to be that person for someone else.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
I visit Joshua often. Most times I'm alone. We also go as a family after church most Sundays, but those visits are short and spent making sure my older children don't run off. I like to go alone and just sit. It's strange how peaceful a cemetery can be. I've never spent much time in one before so maybe that's why I haven't realized it, but I can sit there in silence and hear the most amazing sounds. The wind blowing, the birds, laughter. Yes laughter. There are a few other babies buried where Joshua is and I have some great friends that have babies in heaven as well. I imagine them playing together watching over us. Sending us rainbows. I sometimes when it's really quite can close my eyes and picture what he would have looked like and sound like laughing. I can't imagine him as a baby though. I'm not sure why. When I dream of him he's roughly 5 years old. Maybe because that's the age when they are the most full of life and laughter. Not yet in school, not really a big kid, but not a baby either. Such a sweet innocent age to be. Just beginning to understand a little of life. I wish I could capture his laugh but I can't. I leave my visits with him mostly in tears. I never feel like I've spent enough time with him there, and now with school being out for summer it's even less. But one day I will get to be with him and see him laugh. One day I will be the one that makes him giggle. Until then his friends and family in heaven will watch him for me. And I will listen.