Saturday, April 26, 2014

Turning the page

I'm taking a turn in my life. God has been pulling me in a few different directions recently. Some things I know are for the future and not for now. I am not far enough along in my walk with grief to do some of the things I am meant to do. But I'm getting there.

This blog has helped me vent out my feelings over the deaths of my children, and has been very healing. In my walk there has been very few times where I have written about much except the really hard days, but the time has come to write about the ways I am growing. How my grief is helping me grow in my Faith and how I am becoming more like Jesus and my walk with him.

Am I still grieving?  Yes and I always will be. There will never be a day that goes by, I don't think about my children that are not with me. There will however come a day where I will see them again. I try to focus on that day and not the days behind me. That doesn't mean I am leaving them behind though. They are always here with me, everyday with everything I do they are with me.

So what is new?

I held another baby. My 2nd since having the girls. A little girl at church. She is 3 months old and the sweetest thing. She fell asleep on my shoulder and I thought to myself "I could do this all day". I was a little sad. My girls were due about the same time she was, and it took me this long to hold her, but I did and I am glad I did. It's healing, but small doses is what I need.

I am planning a baby shower for my sister. She has been trying for her 1st baby for about 6 years and she is now 10weeks pregnant. I am so excited for her. I am having so much fun planning her big day.

I am becoming the Director of the Children's Department at church. I am Scared and ecstatic all together. Our children's department needs a complete overhaul redo. We have big plans for our new Ministry. There is so much to be done, there are so many ideas. I will be posting more about this later. For now though I am going to leave you with this.

If you are Expecting a baby. If you are holding your baby in your arms. Try to realize that they are truly a gift. Try to remember that in the span of your life 9 months is a very short time to give up your body to make another life. There will never be another day that was this one. You only have today. Stop complaining that you are tired, you wont be getting more sleep when the baby gets here you will be getting less. Stop complaining that the baby is kicking your bladder, soon you will be up every 2 hours not to pee but to change a diaper. Be grateful for those kicks, be grateful for those contractions that are leading to your baby. Don't take it for granted, you never know, It could all be gone in the blink of an eye.

Friday, April 18, 2014

Empty Basket.... Empty Tomb

3 empty Baskets

We shopped today. I needed to get everyone their Easter clothes. It was a long day. Some of us just were not feeling it today. For me it was just hard, as most things are.

Holidays are difficult for me. I want to make memories with my children who are gone and in turn I am missing them with the children I still have. It's frustrating to say the least. I want Easter shopping to be fun. I want to enjoy it, but I don't. I try but it's just not there. 

The thought of not having 3 more baskets is heartbreaking. They would just at empty anyway. We thought of getting new flowers but the ones we put out a month ago are Easter colors, so we left them out instead. I thought of getting a stuff bunny but it would just get wet. I thought of getting plastic eggs, filling them with rocks and setting them out there, but again I think they would either blow away or get lost somehow. It is a very strange feeling. To have children that you carried and gave birth to, but don't take care of. No diapers, no feedings, no Easter basket, no Christmas gifts. Nothing... I carried them, I birthed them and then I had to give them back to God. Its final that's it. There is nothing more for me to do and that sucks! I want to take care of them and I don't know how not to.

So I shopped for my living children and I tried not to look at the too little clothing that was next to my big kids sizes. I bought 5 baskets and left the other 3 on the shelf empty. I will sleep through the night and wake Easter morning and not be late for Church. Because my work for them is done. There is nothing left for me to do for them.

1 empty Tomb

For me Being a Christian, comes by having a lot of Faith.
Faith that Jesus is Gods son.
Faith that Jesus died on the cross to save us from our sins.
And a set of Beliefs.
I believe that God did send his son to die for me.
I believe that Jesus died and rose again
I believe that he loves us and doesn't want to see us hurt.

The tomb is empty and Jesus is in Heaven sitting next to his Father.
And in his arms are my children. They are sitting there waiting on me. Waiting on God to tell Jesus that its time to bring all of his children home.

I cant imagine what it was like for God to send his son here and not save him from dying on the cross. I know I am not that strong. I did everything to save my children and would do it again if I went back. But that empty tomb and the cross reminds me I am not alone.

I use to think that God didn't give us more than we could handle. I now know that is wrong. Of course God gives us more than we can handle, and he also gave us Jesus to turn to, to give all of our fears and needs to. He gave us Jesus so that when we have more on us than we can handle we can trust that even though its too big for us, its never too big for Jesus.

Monday, April 14, 2014


Times are getting hard around here. I know my children are ok and in heaven. But we should be celebrating Joshua's first birthday. We are just a few weeks away from my due date with him and that means a week later marks a year since I found myself pregnant again with my girls. I don't have Joshua and I don't have my girls either. Sometimes that pisses me off so badly, sometimes it makes me really sad, and sometimes dare I say I am actually ok, because I know that Jesus is taking better care of them than I ever could.

Our pastor preached on trusting Jesus with every part of our lives. I struggle with that so much. I trusted and my baby died. I decided that God had so much more in store for me. I didn't let it go or move on but I felt like I had an understanding that I still needed to trust that everything would be ok. When I found out I was pregnant with twins I felt like that was Gods plan. His bigger plan for me that I couldn't see when Joshua died. Put that wasn't it. Hope's water broke and then Faith's and then they were born far too early to live. They were just as perfect as Joshua was. I couldn't Trust Him any more, I couldn't lose another child, I couldn't put my family through it again. I took matters into my own hands and made sure I wouldn't get pregnant again.

For my mental well being in all my humanness I did the right thing. But was it right in God's eyes? Was that the plan for my life? I didn't trust Him to make that choice for me. I didn't trust Him enough to carry me through another pregnancy or another loss.

I'm not the same person I was a year ago when the test was positive. I'm not the same person I was 8 months ago when my girls were born. Or 9 months ago when I decided to take things into my own hands. I have a better understanding of what trusting God in all areas of life looks like. It looks nothing like what I thought. There is less worry and less mess in my life.

I am everyday Thankful for the gift of life God entrusted me with when he gave me my 8 children. I kept them safe for as long as he has allowed, some of that time has been far shorter than I ever imagined. However I must trust that God knows better even still. That God is good all of the time. Even when I am hurting, even when I don't understand that he is still good All Of The Time.

Friday, April 4, 2014

Owls and Monkeys

I think I have mentioned before that, we had picked a Monkey theme for Joshua. They were pretty popular and there was a monkey theme bed set along with a seat and swing. Jason and I spent a whole night the week before Joshua was born planning all of our monkey stuff. We had big plans for our little monkey.

For our girls we had decided to buy owls. They were are still are easy to find and most of the time there are two owls on things together so it felt right. We looked at a few things but we did less planning, we tried in vain to guard our hearts. 

So I see things. I see Monkeys. I see Joshua. I see owls. I see Faith and Hope. Sometimes I look at them and smile at the memories of picking that stuff out for my children. Sometimes I look at it and feel sad that I don't have the memories of buying it. I never got the chance to set that stuff up. I never got to see my Monkey grow. Or my Owls snuggle together. 

I miss them more than any words could ever explain. 

I make it everyday with the promises that have been made to me by God. One day their will be no pain. One day there will be no more tears. One day I will see them whole and healthy. And we will rejoice in The Lord our God together forever.