I have never been around a lot of twins. When I was growing up in the late 80s early 90s twins were not as common as they are now. Haleigh had 2 kids in her class alone with a twin this year. I hadn't realized how many twins were at her school. Now think, she goes to a city school. Rather small compared to neighboring district schools. There are roughly 200 kids in each grade. Haleigh is in kindergarten. At graduation (last Tuesday) they decided to bring out a set of twins who were getting ready to graduate high school and ask all the twins graduating kindergarten to stand beside them, to show what 12 years looks like. All I could think then and even now is how I have twins and no one will ever see them up there set apart from others because they are a twin. There were 5 sets in our group or graduates. We had the 7pm time slot. The other 1/2 of kindergarten graduated at 5pm with another 4 sets of twins. Add that together. 9 yes, 9 sets of twins in Haleigh's grade. 18 kids who have a twin. Heck that's a whole class by themselves.
I looked at them and it sent me back. Remembering how I felt expecting twins and then how I felt knowing they would never have a kindergarten graduation and with the older ones standing there with the younger ones. Knowing they will never get there either. I wanted to shout that I am missing my twins. But, I didnt. I sat there and smiled at my little girl. The youngest living child I have. I watched her sing and dance and be happy. And while nothing will ever take away the pain of losing my babies, and nothing will ever replace them. I looked at my daughter and I had a calm wash over me. Telling me, you made it. It's ok. Be at peace and rest.
And for that I think it's time. Time to end the blog. I won't take it down and I may even post little letters on their birthdays. This blog was such a life line to me. And I will be forever greatful for it, I don't need it anymore. Sometime I even feel like I am drowning when I write here now. That's how I know. It's time. The time I needed to write everything down and cry it out is over. The time to go foward and leave this here is now.