Thursday, June 13, 2013

Just a Dream

A couple nights ago I had a very vivid dream. Joshua was Alive, but I had given him up for Adoption. It was a very painful dream and felt very real.

I had him at the hospital with me and them had no choice but to leave him there. Well that part was the same. Then I saw him with his adoptive parents And I could only look from a window I couldn't get to him. I couldn't hold him and it hurt so much.

When I woke up I wondered "is that how birth moms feel?" " do they feel the pain like I do everyday?" I know it's different. Birth parents (most of them) make a choice and decide to make an adoption plan for their child. They choose not to parent and the choose not to be selfish. Because really adoption is a selfless act of kindness. But in the end the birth mom is still left without the baby she carried and that is the same. It takes an amazingly strong person to choose that and I am not one of those strong people. I could never do what those women choose to do. But in my dream I did and in my dream the pain was just as real as the pain I feel. And it was so real that when I woke up I had to think a minute about where I was , then realizing it was a dream and Joshua is still gone. Still in heaven with his "adoptive" parents. Who I imagine are his great grandparents taking care of him until I can. I may not have had a choice on Joshua leaving here, leaving me and our family to be apart of another place, but I do know that one day we will be together again and on that day I won't hurt anymore. I will feel whole again.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

One of those days

Today has been one of those days where I just really miss my baby. When I just want a glimpse of him somewhere. Where I just want to hold him and smell his sweet baby smell. I went to drop Collin off at the church to go to camp since the cemetery is 1/2 a mile up the road I turned left instead of right and went to see him. The headstone is not there yet. I didn't expect it to be yet. My flowers are still there and the grass had just been cut. I sat for a few minutes and talked to him, then left. Leaving him never gets easier and always feels so wrong. I could go everyday but it just doesn't get easier. I don't believe it ever will.
I cried a lot today. I thought about all he dreams I had for him and how different everything is now than it would have been had Joshua lived. I thought about everything that has happened in the past 6 months and my conclusion is it has Sucked. I'm trying for it not to suck so bad and for life to be normal. Even if normal is not what it was 6 months ago. I'm trying to show my children that I'm here still and trying to "move forward" but never moving on. Never forgetting.