Sunday, April 28, 2013

Sometimes the hard things are the right things.

I hate doing things the hard way. I would rather have things nice and easy. Unfortunately for me most things that are easy are either not worth it or its not the right choice.

For example it's so much easier for me to mail diapers than it is for me to hand deliver them. When I deliver them I have to talk to the nurses and while I'm ok talking to friends and family even when the catch me when my guard is down talking to the nurses is just different. Add that to the fact that I'm in the labor and deliver ward and pass the newborn nursery and the nurses are sometimes even overwhelmed and well I think that's enough to make anyone brake. But I feel I need to hand deliver the ones I can its very healing.

It would be easier for me to forget Joshua was ever here if I could. But I don't want to. We haven't been out to see him in 2 weeks. We are going Tuesday. We normally go on Sundays but the keepers had everyone move all the stuff except headstones and since Joshua still doesn't have one there is nothing there and it's hard to see it so empty, so plain. We are not plain people. I have been waiting until we can take things out but that seems like it may be forever so we decided to take live flowers on Tuesday. It's so hard to go when it's so plain but I know it's the right thing to do. It's hard to wait until we get our income tax back (big delay bigger story) to buy a headstone. But I know it's what we need to do.

It's also so hard to trust God in every aspect of life. But that too is something I know I must do. We talked about fear today in church and why we are afraid. I am afraid a lot. I'm afraid I will start to forget the way Joshua looked. I'm afraid that I've damaged my other kids. Death should not be normal for a 4 year old but for Haleigh it is. I'm afraid of what life might look like for me if I give up all my control and live the way God wants me to live and let him be in control of everything. What if its harder? What if I don't like it? What if I fail again? Well, God never promises it will be easier just worth it. God I believe says we won't like it (take up your cross). And we all fail everyday. So giving him complete control is not the easy thing to do. But it's the right thing to do. God takes care of the whole world he will take care of me. I'm just as important to him as the birds in the sky and fish in the sea. He makes sure they are fed and taken care of and I will be taken care of. I just have to stop trying so hard to take the easy way out by taking care of myself. And let God handle my life.

Saturday, April 27, 2013

For Amber and Baby Liam.

When I first started making Teeny Tear Bereavement my goal was to donate to Mobile Infirmary in memory of Joshua and then stop. I had no idea what a project this would turn into. After the infirmary I've made a few other donations and one to Spring hill medical center here in Mobile. All of course in Joshua's memory. A few weeks ago I was overwhelmed with the thought of friends who have lost babies. Most to still births. My friend Amber was at the front of my mind.

Amber was pregnant with her son Liam when I was pregnant with Joshua. Liam was due today, April 27th, 2013. Sadly he was born still in November. Through her own grief Amber found a way to be there for me when I had Joshua a few weeks later in December. Joshua was due May 6th, 2013. She helped me and guided me more than anyone else. I hate she knows the pain I feel. And I know she's hurting today. So these diapers are going to West Virginia on Monday in memory of Liam Perra. Because a person is a person no matter how small.

Monday, April 22, 2013


I took a personality test at church on Sunday. I knew what type personality I was going to, have. I'm a planner, a thinker. Jason is a Doer, a leader.

I think my answers to some of my questions would have been different if I had taken that test a year ago.... Or 6 months ago. We were told not to second guess ourself write whatever answer felt right first ... It was different for me. One question was "do you seek out the sick to pray for". Well 6 months ago the answer to that question would have been "yes". The answer now is no, never. I don't like that, but its hard to change that.

I've lived most of my life off feelings. The gut feelings you get that tell you when something is right or wrong. I've always prayed and then felt that the answer to my prayer was whatever gut feeling I had. Not that everything worked out how I imagined it has worked out how God intended. I have a very hard time praying still and I don't know why. When I pray it feels different. When I talk to God it feels almost like I'm talking to myself. Or to no one at all. It's frustrating to say the least. I want to pray I want to feel close to God, but I don't know how to remove the wall that seems to be there that wasn't there before. My feelings on things have been off lately. I haven't been about to judge things the way I should. For example tomorrow I take my Haleigh back to see her surgeon and decide on another surgery. I have no gut feelings in if the next surgery is right and when it should be. I hope I do by tomorrow. I have tried to pray about it and I come up empty.

I know God has not abandoned me. I know he's there and is listening I just don't understand why I can't feel it.

Saturday, April 13, 2013


I feel mostly just tired All the time. You would think I don't get enough sleep but I've been Getting more than I normally do. I still wake up tired. I dink coffee and get tired I nap and could sleep all day yet in tired. I just want to sleep.

These next few weeks are going to be so hard. I think about Joshua more everyday. I would be considered full term on Monday. So 7ish pounds by now. Everything passing day leads me closer to my due date. I catch myself laughing and think I should not be doing that. Having fun with my older children and thinking oh how I wish I could be snuggled with Joshua. I know how bad that sounds.

I wish I was tired because I had a huge belly and couldn't get comfortable. I wish I was tired because I had a newborn who eats every 2 hrs. Or a colic baby who cries. All night, who must be held all day. Any of that is better than this.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

New things.

Apart of my new normal life is the overwhelming need to focus on other moms who will sadly loose their babies in the future. Knowing how they will feel and wondering how I could help and thinking what could have helped me.

I know for people who I don't know personally that I will never be able to comfort them in person with visits. But I can provide them something I didn't have. Small diapers. Clothing. The thing that separates us from any other mammal. A small piece of clothing. The first thing most babies wear. A diaper.

So far I have donated 70 sets of diapers. 50 to hospitals in Mobile. The others were mailed to hospitals in other states. I have cut all the diapers. My mom has sewn them together. We've both turned and tied the pairs together and printed Teeny Tears inserts. I have started to Learn to sew so that I can also sew these diapers. I never had any interest before to sew. My mom is going to concentrate on sewing the matching blankets to go with the diapers. All babies have blankets. Angel babies should be no different. They should be wrapped in Love with a cute blanket. After I learn to sew diapers and get good at it and have my stash going. I am going to learn to sew Tiny Hats. All babies need hats on their heads. And I'm able and capable of providing these things for other families.

I hope even though these things will never take the pain of loosing a baby away that it will help the mothers have great memories of their babies in special diapers that fit and not hanging off of them. Wrapped in a blanket made from love. And a hat placed on their head just like all other newborns.

Sunday, April 7, 2013


Why do people not think before they speak. Everyone should learn to choose the words they speak carefully. And please say them correctly. Know the difference In what your trying to say vs what comes out of your mouth.

For example.

How are you today? Is a great question as long as your ready for an honest answer. However, What's wrong with you? Is not a good question at all. I can see how they may get confused but if you just stop to think first you will see that it's very simple.

Example 2

Are you thinking of more children? Is an alright question. However, How many more kids do you think you need? Is completely uncalled for and rude.

Example 3

What can I do to help? Great question as long as you really want to help. However, You look a mess and so does your house you need me to help you? Is not appropriate to say to anyone ever under any circumstances.

So please stop a minute and think before you speak to anyone. They may be having a good day and just not look like it and your unthoughtful words may just ruin it.

Friday, April 5, 2013

Mor diapers

Another local hospital will be receiving Teeny Tears Diapers and Joshua's Gift blankets this weekend.

Mobile infirmary was the first in Mobile to have these sweet diapers. And Spring-hill medical Center will be the second. I'm so excited for these hospitals for opening their hearts to this new idea for angle babies. I know their mothers will be grateful they said yes to these donations. Although it brakes my heart to think they will be all used in a year. 24 sets. 24 sweet angel babies.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

A Year

A year can be a very long time, a lot can happen over a year. So much can change.

A year ago I never imagined I would be where I am in my life right now. School was coming to close another year. We were finally in a place we liked living. We were gearing up for summer. 9 months ago I was preparing for the school year to begin and planning all Haleigh's activities. Most of that I never got to. 6 months ago I was pregnant and happy. We were just telling our families about the new baby we would be expecting in the spring. I had gotten over the extreme sickness and started feeling normal. The kids were in school and Haleigh had her surgery scheduled.

16 weeks ago so about 4 months I ha to say goodby to my son who I never got to say hello to. In 4 short weeks heaven will have held him longer than I did. It will also be my due date. So I would be 37 weeks now. I've only ever made it that far once before. So my mind is saying. I should have a newborn. But my body betrayed me long ago and he is gone.

I wonder sometimes what his eyes would have looked like. You can tell a lot about a person through their eyes. I know they would have been kind.

These 16 weeks have been so different than I imagined. I stopped teaching Haleigh things. I just didn't have the energy to. I stopped checking my older kids grades on line and let them fall. I haven't paid a lot of attention to what I am doing. I go through the motions of the day with out engaging and interacting with the world. Some days I just feel lost in a world filled with people who don't see me at all.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

A way to say goodby

I'm not really sure if I will ever completely say goodby to Joshua. But I am well so many things and feeling leading up to his due date. First I'm scared. Even though I know I would have had him by now because I have my babies on the earlier side. Still that date is one that is in my head as a count down. I'm scared to get to it. Knowing that if I had made it to that day he would have been perfectly healthy and full term. 2nd I'm excited. I know that may seem out if place but May 6th has been running in my head since December 13th so in a way it's like a finish line. I'm not sure how I'm going to do crossing that line I hope I feel more relief in place of all the anxiety I have about it now. And I hope in a way I can say a better bigger goodby to more grief.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do that day. It's a Monday Jason will have to work the kids will be in school. I will probably stay home and cry. I've thought about what I should do for his would be birthday. I've thought about cake and celebrate instead of being completely sad but that makes me feel worse. I've thought about taking some lanterns to the beach and releasing them, I've thought about releasing some balloons at his grave. Anything I do will be the weekend before. The beach would be Saturday te grave would be Sunday. I think if I should take the kids with me and I think it would help them as well.

I wish there was a how to guide. But the reality is that it's different for everyone. No one does grief the same. I just don't understand why this has to be so hard.