He qualified me

Things are changing for me. My grief is changing from self despair to action and making a diffrance. I got to this point much sooner after Joshua. I made bereavement diapers and donated them all over. After I lost the girls I just wanted to scream and be alone and be mad and sad. I didn't want to help anyone. I simply didn't care.

A few days ago a friend called. She was going to be induced. I was torn. I knew she would labor and deliver by herself. But I couldn't bring myself to go help her through her labor. I wasn't ready for that. I thought about her all night and called her the next day. God blessed her with a short labor. And a healthy baby girl. But she was still alone. No one would be visiting her. Her husband is watching the other young children and hasn't a car.  No family in the area and few friends. It was me or no one. God I prayed to forget. I prayed for her not to need me. I prayed for this not to be what God wanted me to do. I wanted to not care... But I did care and God was telling me to go. 

I went to the store quickly picked up the first pink blanket I saw, a 3 pack of bottles and a newborn pack of diapers. I drove to the same hospital I delivered my sweet babies at walked up to the labor and delivery floor and willed her not to be in any room I had been in. Luckly she had been moved to post delivery and was not in any room or hall I was on. 

The baby was in the nursery. It was shift change. We talked for about 20 minutes and incomes the baby. I froze. She asked if I wanted to hold her. Then quickly said I didn't have to. I took the baby and cried. She cried and I smiled at the sleeping baby girl in my arms and things changed. I sat and staired at her. I fed her a bottle. I changed her diaper and clothes. I snuggled with her. Then I handed her back to her mother. 

I changed. 

I realized I want to be there for mothers. I want to share in their joy when the baby is healthy and I want to help guide them through their pain of stillbirth and miscarriage. But I don't want to be a nurse. As wonderful as my nurses were when their shift ended they went home. They were paid and while they did their job and I will forever remember how wonderful they were. When they left I still needed them. I didn't want to bond with a new nurse. I wanted the one I had all day. That's where a bereavement doula comes in. They help families bond say hello and say goodby to their babies. That's what I want to do. I want to let them know they are not alone and that  they will live through this. I also want to be trained by now I lay me down to sleep so that I can not only support them but take beautiful pictures for them. Help them arrange a service and attend a support group. All free. Donated services for parents who are hurting. Being a trained doula I would also attend "happy births" for a fee. These would allow me to do the others for free. 

I'm not ready to begin my training yet. I'm just starting out getting my books together. Getting my mind ready. However God has put this in me to do this and honestly I Am so confused at why he would choose me. I'm a mess sometimes.

Devotion

I picked up my book "grieving the child I never knew" yesterday its a devotional book that i started and never finished after Joshua died. I have also been reading "empty cradle, Broken heart" that book makes me feel sane and a little more normal.

I decided to turn in the devotional to the anger chapter. I still have a lot of anger I've learned that guilt is often self directed anger. And yes I am angry at myself too. Thinking I could have done something different although I did everything I could. So I probably need white out for the page with the questions. Your suppose to write God a letter and tell him why you are angry. I wrong " I'm just Freaking Pissed off" yeah I'm sure that's not what was meant to be written there. But it's how I feel.

I am trying to deal with all the anger. I'm not sure I really know how though. I have tried to just not be angry and that makes me even more just mad. My other book says that if you find yourself stuck in a stage of grief you may need to talk to a professional. Reading that mad me mad. But what else is really new I was already mad. I'm not really sure 3 weeks of being in anger is what one would call stuck. And since grief has no time time how does one know they are stuck? Needless to say my devotional didn't go well. And I just quit. 

I so start 2 new small groups this week. Sunday begins the new Sunday School season I'm excited about getting back into Sunday school. It's been a while. Then on Wednesday the new women's study starts. I'm excited for that too. I'm hoping through these two small groups to form closer relationships with others in my church.  

I am a little disappointed that I know starting out I will miss the 3rd week of both due to my scheduled surgery. I will have the books though and can read through so I'm not behind. I shouldn't miss anymore than the one week though. And I may actually feel ok to go on Sunday seeing as my surgery is on a Monday. I guess I will just have to see. 

I'm really hoping these small groups can help me with some of my anger issues. 

New things.

Apart of my new normal life is the overwhelming need to focus on other moms who will sadly loose their babies in the future. Knowing how they will feel and wondering how I could help and thinking what could have helped me.

I know for people who I don't know personally that I will never be able to comfort them in person with visits. But I can provide them something I didn't have. Small diapers. Clothing. The thing that separates us from any other mammal. A small piece of clothing. The first thing most babies wear. A diaper.

So far I have donated 70 sets of diapers. 50 to hospitals in Mobile. The others were mailed to hospitals in other states. I have cut all the diapers. My mom has sewn them together. We've both turned and tied the pairs together and printed Teeny Tears inserts. I have started to Learn to sew so that I can also sew these diapers. I never had any interest before to sew. My mom is going to concentrate on sewing the matching blankets to go with the diapers. All babies have blankets. Angel babies should be no different. They should be wrapped in Love with a cute blanket. After I learn to sew diapers and get good at it and have my stash going. I am going to learn to sew Tiny Hats. All babies need hats on their heads. And I'm able and capable of providing these things for other families.

I hope even though these things will never take the pain of loosing a baby away that it will help the mothers have great memories of their babies in special diapers that fit and not hanging off of them. Wrapped in a blanket made from love. And a hat placed on their head just like all other newborns.

Day 5

The 5th day of my devotion goes along the lines of what I wrote about last week.

Being too busy to think.

I thought of it as being a good thing. I could think of other things even if it was somewhat forced. But really it's not helping me to be busy as I can get. It may be helping me cope but it's also just pushing my feelings down and locking them away. I'm too busy to hurt most days. And those are my good days.

Why do I want to be so busy? So that I can forget even if its just for a little while. Forget the pain. Laugh and smile and maybe everyone is not thinking "poor you"

I need to be still and be with God, that though would mean I am willing to open myself to more pain and I'm not sure I'm ready to do that yet. I think though its why I have trouble praying now.

Time will never heal my wounds. God will. God is the only answer for healing. I need him and I need to pray and ask him to heal my hurt but I know that first I must tell him my pain that I must remove all the time and come out from hiding and trust him to heal me. And that's hard. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to open fresh wounds and bleed again.

I'm just not ready yet, to let God heal me. I know that may sound awful. As I know God loved me and wants only the best for me, and I trust him, but I can't let him be here for me the way he's meant to be here. I know he's not going anywhere though and will be there when I'm ready to pull the scab off and deal with the pain and the hurt and be able to heal.

Day 3

Today was a rough day. I really think it was because I was forced to sit down and think. I woke up this morning at 730 so I could jump in the shower and then get ready for church and to visit Joshua. But my shoulder blade felt like it was on fire. I couldn't even lift myself up. I got Madalyn to bring me some water and Motrin and she being such a great child cooked everyone breakfast then settled them down infront of the new ice age move. T

The Motrin helped a little, but I still was in a lot of pain, but pushed through and got up although I couldn't really get dressed because I couldn't lift my arm high enough. So in my PJs I stayed.

Not only could I not get dressed I also could not fold clothes, wash dishes, cook, or clean anything. So I sat and it gave me time to think and reflect. I didn't like it. I also did day 3 in the devotional book. It was good. Talked about avoidance and the different ways mothers greave. I realized that I do avoid things. I left church early to avoid the baby dedication, I try not to buy milk at Wal Mart Because its right beside the baby section. I scan through Facebook when people post pregnancy updates. And I avoided the hospital when friends have had babies. Now none of that is unexpected. Of course I don't want to go to those places but I will eventually have to. And I will need to. I will eventually be in the same room with a newborn boy who I will see and see Joshua. I don't have to push myself to be ok with any of it, but I have to realize I can't avoid this part of life forever. I don't know how long it may take for me to get up enough strength to hold another newborn. Especially a boy, but I'm getting there. I'm learning and I'm trying.

I do however get excited when I hear someone has birthed a healthy baby. As sad as I am that I don't have my child with me I know it has nothing to do with other people and their child. I would never wish this on anyone ever!

Dealing

I completed day 2 of the devotional and I think this book just gets harder. But I know I'm going to need it to deal. Today was about disconnect and made me think about where my relationships are that I had before Joshua was born and where they are now. I can honestly say that I have made a point to disconnect with most people because its easier to be alone. After realizing that I needed my friends I reached out today and it was good. I know a lot of people don't know what to say to me though and it's sad that instead of trying they just don't speak to me at all. That is their choice though, and I will not be where I'm not wanted. I can even tell I have distanced myself from my family and that was not intended. With the fog I have been in I didn't even realize until today. Jason and I are actually stronger now that I think we have ever been. I had heard that a lot of couples get divorced when things like this happen and I guess I can see that happening if your not open and honest with how your feeling everyday. It's hard especially when Jason has had a hard day and I've had a good day or vice versa. But we have become really good at reading each other. I guess 13 years of marriage does that.

My kids are a little distant and I am really trying with them but it's hard to know when is enough so I'm letting them lead. I want to be happy for them so bad. I know they can feel my depression and they know I'm not the same as I was before. I'm just not sure if they like who I am now. It worries me that I may not be paying enough attention to them and their needs. Not physically I know they have their physical needs met. Rather their mental and emotional needs. I am not equipped to support them with that right now. I can't even support myself in those areas but I am trying and they know they can talk to me anytime about anything. I have made it a point to make sure they know that there are pictures of Joshua that they can look at, that we will be putting together a scrap book for him that they can help with and that they are always allowed to talk about him at any time. Sometimes their timing on its not great. Like Haleigh telling the dr at her pre op that her brother was in heaven with Jesus. The ped just looked at me and I said yes Haleigh he is. She is so proud to have him even if he is in heaven she talks about him everyday. She one proud big sister.

My parents and sisters have been amazing and have stepped back and given me space that I have needed so badly after all the togetherness that Christmas brought and I can honestly say I am happy to be seeing them tomorrow for a birthday party. I miss them. And it will keep my mind busy as tomorrow marks 1 month since Joshua was born. A whole month. I'm taking him flowers tomorrow. I hope he can see them from heaven.