He qualified me

Things are changing for me. My grief is changing from self despair to action and making a diffrance. I got to this point much sooner after Joshua. I made bereavement diapers and donated them all over. After I lost the girls I just wanted to scream and be alone and be mad and sad. I didn't want to help anyone. I simply didn't care.

A few days ago a friend called. She was going to be induced. I was torn. I knew she would labor and deliver by herself. But I couldn't bring myself to go help her through her labor. I wasn't ready for that. I thought about her all night and called her the next day. God blessed her with a short labor. And a healthy baby girl. But she was still alone. No one would be visiting her. Her husband is watching the other young children and hasn't a car.  No family in the area and few friends. It was me or no one. God I prayed to forget. I prayed for her not to need me. I prayed for this not to be what God wanted me to do. I wanted to not care... But I did care and God was telling me to go. 

I went to the store quickly picked up the first pink blanket I saw, a 3 pack of bottles and a newborn pack of diapers. I drove to the same hospital I delivered my sweet babies at walked up to the labor and delivery floor and willed her not to be in any room I had been in. Luckly she had been moved to post delivery and was not in any room or hall I was on. 

The baby was in the nursery. It was shift change. We talked for about 20 minutes and incomes the baby. I froze. She asked if I wanted to hold her. Then quickly said I didn't have to. I took the baby and cried. She cried and I smiled at the sleeping baby girl in my arms and things changed. I sat and staired at her. I fed her a bottle. I changed her diaper and clothes. I snuggled with her. Then I handed her back to her mother. 

I changed. 

I realized I want to be there for mothers. I want to share in their joy when the baby is healthy and I want to help guide them through their pain of stillbirth and miscarriage. But I don't want to be a nurse. As wonderful as my nurses were when their shift ended they went home. They were paid and while they did their job and I will forever remember how wonderful they were. When they left I still needed them. I didn't want to bond with a new nurse. I wanted the one I had all day. That's where a bereavement doula comes in. They help families bond say hello and say goodby to their babies. That's what I want to do. I want to let them know they are not alone and that  they will live through this. I also want to be trained by now I lay me down to sleep so that I can not only support them but take beautiful pictures for them. Help them arrange a service and attend a support group. All free. Donated services for parents who are hurting. Being a trained doula I would also attend "happy births" for a fee. These would allow me to do the others for free. 

I'm not ready to begin my training yet. I'm just starting out getting my books together. Getting my mind ready. However God has put this in me to do this and honestly I Am so confused at why he would choose me. I'm a mess sometimes.