Thursday, January 9, 2014

How did we get so many?

I got asked today why I decided to have "so many" children. This person only sees I have 5. They have no idea that I actually have 8 and have been pregnant many more times.

I answered with a simple. I love kids and it's true. I love my kids. But how did we get to "so many"? Well......  I wouldn't change things. I would have liked to finish high school before my first was born but God knew the timing of her birth was perfect. After she was born I decided I wanted just her. She would be my only child. Then Jason and I decided we were going to make it work and get married. I was lazy with my pills and became pregnant. A few short weeks later I miscarried that child. I knew then that I wanted at least one more child. So even though we're not married yet we didn't prevent and I became pregnant again and had a healthy boy. I was told this was the perfect family. One boy one girl. I could be "done" everyone said. I wasn't so sure. But I knew I needed a brake so I took those pills every days at the same time. 2 years later we decided we wanted a third child. We were told we were crazy. I knew we were. That pregnancy ended at 12 weeks when we couldn't find a heartbeat. A month later I was pregnant again we knew we wanted to try again right away and we did. We had another boy. After he was born and made it through the nicu I felt a since of calm. I felt completed. I thought. "This is what being done must feel like"  when he was a year old I had yet another miscarriage. Jason scheduled a V but because of some other medical concerns was unable to get it done. I took my pills at the same exact time each and every day. I was in the type that you take for 12 weeks and then week 13 you have your period. Week 13 came and nothing. Week 14 nothing Week 15 I took a test. It was positive. I went to the dr got an ultrasound and was 11 weeks pregnant. I was less than thrilled. We were done. We were not planning another kid. But I loved him. I didn't know how but we'd manage with 4. And so another bot was born. I thought when he came home " I could do this a few more times." I never went in any pills and before he was two I was pregnant with a little girl. She was born with some Heath concerns and I needed a brake. So I counted days. When she was a year old I found out I was expecting and to my surprise I was excited. A week later I was crushed I had lost the baby. I was very early. I went in to have some positive test and then heavy periods. My dr warned me I may never be able to carry another baby past 4-6 weeks. Then in August 2012 almost 4 years since having my last baby. I was pregnant and stayed that way. We were expecting another boy and while not many in my life understood I was on top of the world. There was nothing I wanted more than to have him. And I did. Way too early we named him Joshua and he died. I declared I would never never have another child. That was it. I would die if I had to burry another child. Then Something made me think. Did I want to end on such a sad note? Before I could answer I was pregnant. Scared doesn't ever begin to cover my feelings. I just wanted the baby to live. I went to see my OB. Twin he said. Oh boy! But no 2 Girls instead! I was finally getting excited when they too left for heaven. I knew then that I would live through burring anothe two children. I had no choice I had 5 kids at home waiting on me. I had to live. I have to live. I realized that if I had not had them at home I may have died. I may not have taken care of me and simply gave up. But that wasn't a choice for me. But I also knew I could not keep having kids too early for life. It was to me, to Jason , to our living breathing children, to our moms and dads. To our sisters. It just wasn't fair. So I did something I said I would never do and had a tubal. I don't regret getting it done, but I said it before and I will say it again. I'm said that I can't have any more children. However that is not cause buy the tubal but by my weak paper thin cervix instead. 

So that's how I got here. That's how we have so very many, much loved, happy, active, caring, loving children.

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