Thursday, October 31, 2013

Day 31

Sunset


Loud

I'm upset about something I can not change. No I'm mad. No wait I'm hurt. Yes that's it. It's pain I feel. I'm hurt. I'm not really sad. I feel like someone has said my babies didn't matter. And it hurts.

I have been posting on Facebook all month and here with the capture your grief project. Tomorrow is the last day. 

Last night a parent posted a picture of her baby. There were some rude comments made and a word fight broke out. That lead to more pictures and more blacklash. I stayed out of it. Just commenting that the babies were beautiful. Because they were. And then I get on tonight to read the stories that I have been looking foward to and it's gone. The whole event was deleted. Now let me explain. Facebook took the even down. Not because it was reported as violent pictures but because there was 1000s of people threating one another on the event page. How sad it that. Threating people! Violet pictures?

 Really these people. The people have no idea what we as baby loss parents have been through. They have not carried a baby for months and prayed everyday that the baby just lives, only to give birth
In a silent room, no cries, no cheers of joy, no it's a boy or they are girls. No congratulations. No balloons or flowers. No visitors. No smiles. 
They have no clue what it's like to watch their babies hearts stop beating. They have no clue how it feels to kiss you baby good bye hours after saying hello. They will never understand. And you know what. I hope they never do. Because to understand this you have to go through it. 
But 
To call our babies pictures violence!?! Really?!? Come on people. Wake up. These are someone's babies. They are loved, were wanted. Pregnancy loss happens. Baby loss happens. It's tragic yes. But I will not hide. It was suggested by some who will never understand that we should grieve in silence. 

I refuse. 

I refuse to be silenced. I will not shut up. I will speak out. I will share my children the way I want when I want. They are perfect. I am proud to be the mother of 8 children. I am proud of the way my angles look in their pictures. 

I will grieve out loud. 
I will not hide. 
I will stand on a mountain top and scream out their names. 
My children were alive. 
My children were born. 
My children mattered. 

I will not be silent! 













 

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

November is Coming

There are only 2 days of October left after today. This whole month I have been doing the Capture you Grief Photo Challenge, its been extremely hard some days. Yet it has also been uplifting, inspiring, and healing for me. It has made me look into some feelings I have. I have been pushed to explore and think about things that I haven't before. In the middle of the challenge I thought about stopping. Would anyone even notice that I didn't continue? No one would say a word. Except me I would know that I quit and I didn't want to quit because it was hard. Some days were really easy. Like the jewelry day. That day I didn't even have to think about what to post. Most days were very emotional as I sat and thought about my babies. It has given me a focus. I have been able to spend the time I needed to think about my children, what they meant to me and what they meant to my family. Time I never got just to be with them, time to reflect of them and their short lives. Time until now I didn't know I needed. I was able to realize just how much I have changed and see everything that has changed in my family over this year. I was able to see just how much has passed by while I have been engulfed in grief. Dare I say I am going to miss this. I am going to miss reflecting on my babies everyday. I am going to miss sharing a part of them everyday. I am going to miss reading everyone else's post and hearing their stories. The community of baby loss parents. I'm going to miss that. I know I could continue. Their is no rule that says you have to stop. However I would have to come up with subjects all on my own and I am not ready for that. And I would be doing it alone. There would be no community there with me.

So on to November it is..... On to being thankful.

I have a lot to be thankful for, So I have decided to post everyday in the month of November something I am thankful for. I know I can do 30days of that. I have so much to be thankful for... so much more than 30 day worth.

These next few weeks are full of memories from last year. I had started to feel better, and feel Joshua move around. Halloween was one of the first times I had went out feeling good. November I starting buying things, found out we were having a boy and planned the party to tell everyone on Dec1st. These memories are very vivid. Very much real and so heart crushing, yet I'm thankful I have them. Because that's all I have of them now memories, forever etched in my being.

Day 29

Healing
My healing has come from God.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

11&45

In case some missed it. When I posted the #sayitoutloud a few days ago I announced the Girls 1st names. They will always be our Faith and Hope. We haven't ordered their headstone yet, and we are unsure how it will read. However Faith and Hope were always suppose to be their middle names. Giving them other first names when they were born was too hard so we stuck with Faith and Hope. They would have been.

Aurbree Faith and Amelia Hope. 

I can't believe it's been11 weeks, since they were born. 11 weeks without them. Time is a strange concept to me now. It seems time doesn't move the way it use to. The 11 weeks since the girls were born feels like it was a really long time ago, but at the same time I can see their perfect faces and tiny hands in mine and it's like it was yesterday. 

It is the same with Johua, 45 weeks.  Almost a year. I can't believe I've been without him so long. I miss him. I wonder what his temperament would have been. I believe he would have been such a sweet baby. I sometime have a hard time remembering how long it's been because I feel like there is no way it's been almost a year. How did time pass so fast. At the same time it feels like that day was such a long time ago and so many things have changed. 

I wish I could change the way things turned out with my babies. But I know there is not. If there had been a way to save them I would have done it. If I could have held in these 11 weeks with the girls they would have a great chance at life now. Being 27weeks they would weigh about 3 pounds each. But it will never be. Wasn't meant for me. One day I will understand. One day this will make since. Until that day I will count the time and remember how sweet the time I did have with them was. How heart crushing the time I don't have with them is. And long for a time when I will be with them again.

Day 27

Signs
Wind. 


Friday, October 25, 2013

Day 25

#sayitoutloud

What do I want to say out Loud? 

My babies matter. I love them deeply. It doesn't matter how long they were here with me I love them just as much as my 5 living children. 

I HAVE 8 CHILDREN! NOT 5!

My 3 in heaven have names too. 

Joshua Henson 
Aurbree Faith 
Amelia Hope 




Thursday, October 24, 2013

Day 24


Art

This may not be exactly art. My babies are the most beautiful art I could create. But the bottom right is a photo book I made and these keepsake birth certificate will hang on my wall forever as art. 














Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Beauty

I often find beauty in the strangest spots. Spots that if others would look they would see beauty as well. And maybe some do.

I love to sit at the cemetery. It's beautiful out there. With all the different flowers all in perfect rows. It's a calming site to me. It's the most peaceful place I've even been. I like to go alone and just listen to the silence. That is a beautiful sound. 

I love to see children smile when they don't know your looking. The looks on their faces when they are truly happy about something. I think that's beautiful. Just their smile. 

I believe all my children were beautiful from the moment of conception. They were my babies long before they were born. Weeks before I even knew they were forming. They were there and they were beautiful. They still are the most beautiful beings I have ever seen. All 8 of them gifts straight from God to me. 3 of then I had to give back way before I was ready. I realize none of my children are mine to keep. I'm suppose to raise them for the kingdom of God and they are his in every way. I am just responsible of them for a short time. I wish my time with Joshua, Faith and Hope was longer. I wish I had time to see them grow into beautiful young people. Instead they will always be my beautiful forever babies. I know they are beautifully fully formed and with Jesus, but I selfishly wish they were here with me. 

The closer I get to Joshua's birthday and the girls due date I get sadder. Is that a word? Maybe it's more sad? Anyway i get sad. I wonder if December will always bring such sadness with it. 

I feel like Christmas will never be the same. I don't want to celebrate. I don't feel like doing Halloween next week. I don't want thanksgiving to come. Last year I was happy on Halloween. Last year I had a baby on the way at thanksgiving. It was all gone before Christmas. 

I will act happy even if I'm not. I will not ruin my children's idea of Christmas. They will have a happy Halloween. They will have a great family thanksgiving. They will have a very merry Christmas. We will decorate with a smile. I will take them to see Santa. And I will do it with a smile, because I am their mother. Just remember that even though I will be posting happy family pictures this season , I am still hurting. I am still grieving. I am still missing apart of my family. 



Day 23

Jewelry


Sunday, October 20, 2013

Today I won

Today I hit off on my alarm instead of snooze. That lead me to getting up only 45 minutes before we needed to leave for church. Jason had to work so I had to get myself and 5 children fed and ready. I thought about going back to sleep. That was the devil and I knew it.

I got up. 
The kids whined. 
I fed them and washed my hair. 
I fixed coffee and it got cold before I could drink it. 
I thought of going back to bed. 
I couldn't find my shirt. 
I couldn't find Landon's socks. 
I couldn't find Haleigh's shoes.
I thought about going to bed. 
I had to pick me a new shirt.
I had to change Haleigh's dress.
I thought about going back to bed 
I couldn't find my Sunday school book. 
I left with out my book. With out drinking my coffee. With half my make up on and carrying my shoes. While thinking I should have stayed in bed. 
I was late for Sunday school. 
Landon was bouncing through the worship songs. I thought wow I should have stayed in bed. Our pastor was on vacation and I didn't know who was filling in. Oh boy! I should have stayed in bed!! 

Then the kids left. We prayed. Our youth pastor took the stage. He said "I'm going to preach a sermon mostly reserved for funerals" I almost choked on my finally hot cup of coffee. 

I thought to myself. Oh no. Please don't tell me "it's ok" please don't tell me how to grieve. Please don't say "everything will be fine". I was scared of what was going to be said. But then he started to talk about how he felt when he had lost someone special to him. How while everyone meant well, he didn't want to hear the well meaning words. He didn't want people telling him how to grieve, even though he knew they were just trying to help. And I thought wow he gets it. That's how I feel. 

He went through Paslm 23. Is it strange that no one ever read that to me. Or explained it to me before? Maybe they have and I was hurting and don't remember.  I've read it and heard it read. But not explained. I loved the way he explained what it meant for me. As I sat there I could feel the anger that has been apart of so much of my grief this year lift. All the guilt of not being able to protect my babies. Of not being able to give them a chance at life. The regrets of not holding them longer of not kissing them more of not taking more pictures. The anger of being lost of not having more time. More memories it all lifted. I felt lighter and a little shocked about the way I felt. But it was good. 

I also realized why the devil was so much at work in my house today. Because he knew what hearing that message was going to do. What it was going to release me of. He knew that it would be a personal healing experience and he wanted to keep me in my anger, my guilt and my regrets. 

I'm so glad I won today. There have been times where so much as went so wrong on a Sunday morning that I threw my hands up said forget it and went back to bed. But not today. Today I pushed foward and today it mattered. Today I won. 



Where is the sleep?

I should have taken a sleeping pill hours ago, but I wanted to see my son when he got home from his band comp. they placed 2nd overall. I'm very proud of him.

Now my brain will not shut off. I just can't stop thinking. I've been completely depressed over the past few days and I keep running through the few days leading up to both of my waters braking trying to figure out what went so wrong. Maybe I was too stressed out. Maybe I should have been on bed rest with the girls from the start. I mean I had problems carrying one baby. What made me think I could carry two and just go about my normal activities. 

I wish my brain would shut off long enough for me to go to sleep for a few hours. 

Day 20

Hope.


Friday, October 18, 2013

finding me

For the month of October while doing the Capture your grief Challenge, (its not easy by the way) I have come to realize just how much has changed in me this year. I've learned a lot about myself.... The new person that I am. The new life I am living since death became so much of my life. Most of it is good. The first step in becoming who you are after baby loss is realizing you will never be the same person again. You simply cant go back. No matter how hard you try there is no going back from this. And that is scary. If I cant go back to who I was, then who am I? That is a question I have been trying to answer for a while. Who am I now? Yes I am still a mother. I am still a wife. Still a Daughter, Sister, Friend. But how I do these things are different.

 I am a more protective dare I say hovering mother. There were days that I would let my children play across the street for half the day. Now they are lucky to go for an hour. I just cant not make them check in. Something may happen and I wont know because I didnt check. I didnt make them check in so I didnt know for what could be hours. I have a hard time letting my oldest who is 15 go anywhere. What if something happens to her. I let her go and something happens its my fought, so I keep them all close, where I can watch them and know they are safe. A little over board? Maybe so. However They are safe.

I am a more distant wife. Its hard. its a lot of work. Jason and I grieve very differently. I am loud. I will not let the world around me go on like my children were not apart of it. They may not have been here very long, but they were here. And he doesn't care that I do that. But he is quite about them. Sometimes I think he doesn't want to talk about them, I love to talk about them. And I do.

My other relationships have changed as well. I cant seem to hold much of a conversation. Its not that I am not listening or that I am not interested in what people are saying, its that I have nothing to talk about, not really. So I just listen. And sometimes.... A lot of times I just want to be alone. I do let people in and I dont feel like I shut people out, but there are times I wish I could just sleep instead of being anything else. Maybe one day I will be able to get back to more involved relationships, as the new me of course. 

Day 18

Release.

Is there something you want to release? Deep sadness? Anger? Fear? Guilt? 

For me it's Anger. 


Thursday, October 17, 2013

Infertility

I've never thought much about infertility. Because if there is one thing I have always been it's fertile. Until now that is. And I have a new understanding for women who struggle to make their families. Not just women who are having trouble having their first baby, but also women who are struggling to add to their families and women like me who's baby having days were cut short and ended badly.

My sister is getting things ready to adopt a child. She will become a mother when that happens for the first time. I'm proud of her. Taking that step. There are more invasive things she could have done to birth a child, but instead they made the choice to adopt. I'm not sure I would have the strength to adopt a child. But she does. I'm so excited for them. They are going to make great parents. 

I'm a bit sacred as well. The chances are that the next baby I hold will be my sisters baby. I don't even know when the baby maybe coming and I already think of him or her as my niece or nephew. But it's going to be hard. I will probably have some anxiety buying her gifts. I will probably cry when I hold her. But hey I cried when I held my other 2 sisters children too. I know I will hurt some. But I also think it will be healing. How selfish is that. I mean I just said "yay my sister is adopting a baby, it's going to help me heal" and yeah it's selfish to think that way, however I believe it's true. At the moment I can't look at any baby under a year a not think of my own. I can't celebrate that new life. I want to be able to and I think God has put this in my path to help me heal. 
Do I think God made my sister wait this long to help me heal? No, no I don't. In the bigger picture there is so much more. But I believe God knows all and his timing for everything is perfect. Even though our timing almost never matches his. I think he will use this to help me. Not only to help me celebrate life and hopefully let go of some anger, but to also come to terms with being infertile. Even though there is peace in the choice I made there is still hurt that goes along with that choice and sadness. I'm Angry that it's a choice i even had to make in the first place. 

So I may not understand what it's like to never be a mom and want to. I may never understand what it's like to become a mom through adoption. But I do know what it's like to not be able to have what you want.. A child. Even if it's "another child".

Day 17

Time


Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Grieve out Loud

Why do I grive out loud? Why do I share what I share here?

I wish I could say I do it for awareness like some bloggers do. I wish i could say it was to make baby loss an ok subject to talk about and not so taboo. But it's not. Not really. 

I wish I could say it makes me feel good. That it helps me feel closer to my babies to write about them. But no it's not that would be a lie. 

I wish I could say it was to help other women who are now where I was or who will one day walk in my path. But again that's not it. 

Sure some of this May bring Awareness to some people. Somedays it helps to remember my babies and it may one day help another mother. But that's not why I write. 

I write because I have to. I have to get thing out of my head sometimes. I write so I don't forget how I feel right now today. I will one day feel some better. This overwhelming sadness will one day lift but I will never want to forget the feelings I have right now. I work through my grief out loud. You know like some people talk with their hands, well that's me. I grive with a blog. I write. It may not all be beautiful words but it's real. Nothing I write is made up or thought up somewhere. This is my real life. And most of the time my real life is hell. At least for now. 

It's hard. Wanting to be happy. Wanting to join in on life and what others are doing but knowing you can't. It will hurt too much. Sometimes I think if I can get all the hurt out I will heal better. Like a posion. If you get bit by a snake and then get the posion out your ok. I wish I could get the hurt out that easy. I though of pushing myself. Going to see one of the umpteen women I know who have newborn and ask to  Hold them until I stop crying. Maybe that would get the hurt out, but honestly I don't think I have it in me and would probably not stop crying. It would probably make things so much worse. But I want it to make it better. 

Sometimes I write because I'm angry. Not sad but angry. I wasn't angry when Joshua died. I knew God would take care of me. I knew that I would learn something. That something good would come out of his death. Even though I didn't understand I trusted I had faith. When I got pregnant with twins I thought ok Lord this must to the challenge you had in store for me when you took Joshua. Oh was I wrong! I got mad when they died too. I thought why would God let this happen to me again. Only 8 months after. I didn't and don't understand. I don't see how this will ever amount to anything good. I'm angry at the world. Everyone and everything in it and beyond. .. That's heathy right? 

I told my dr that I was angry when he asked how I thought I was doing emotionally. I just said " I'm angry". His response... At who?  I sat there and then said. People He asked me. "What do people do to make you mad?" My answer. They breathe. 
Ah ok he starts writing. And talking. You know being stuck in the anger stage of grief is common. Yes I know. I'm going to write you something that I think will help. I responded with "Well I hope so". Stuck in anger. Yup stuck. If I could just see something good in any of this I may be able to let go of the anger but I don't and I'm scared I will never see any good in it and I will be angry for the rest of my life. The meds he wrote for me are helping. I am coping better. I have fewer lashing outs. And I'm sure Jason is glad for that since I tend to lash out at him. 

Sometimes I write because I miss my children. I want to hold them and kiss their faces again. I want them to know how much I love them and how much I think of them each and everyday. I miss them everyday. I think of how I should have them. How getting ready to go out should be harder. How I should be getting ready for Joshua's first Halloween. Getting ready to have twins. Having 3 extra kids in the house this Christmas. I'm missing things that haven't happened because they never will and it helps to say it out loud. 




Day 16

Seasons

December- Christmas 
Joshua 12-13-12
Faith and Hope should be birthdays 

August- Back to School 
Faith and Hope 08-11-13
Found out I was pregnant with Joshua 

May- Mothers Day 
Joshua's should be birthday. 
Found out I was pregnant with the girls.


Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Day 15

Wave of Light


I remember last year

October 15th 2012

I remember seeing the post for wave of light. I remember lighting a candle for my early pregnancy losses and all the babies gone too soon. I remember I picked a random candle I already had. It burned for an hour and I blew it out.  I remember rubbing my pregnant belly and thanking God for the blessing I was growing. I remember praying for all the women who experienced stillbirths and SIDS. Thinking I would never be able to survive that and thanking God that he knew that would be too much for me. 

Two short months later I was proven wrong. 

This year I made sure, I bought a pack of candles, Red ones. This year I bought a heart shaped candle holder to burn them in. This year I will light the candle at 7pm my time and let it burn until it stops. I don't think I have it in me to blow it out. This year I remember not only my early losses along with the other babies, but I light the candle for babies with names. Babies with faces that I held in my arms for just a little while and will hold in my heart forever. Today I will light a candle with new meaning. To honor my babies that sleep in heave. 
Joshua, Faith and Hope.  











Monday, October 14, 2013

Day 14

Family

From the outside out family looks the same as it did a year ago. Well even 4 years ago. A Wife a Husband and 5 living breathing children. 

On the inside we are all very much different than we were a year ago. Or 4 years ago. 

We have the same names and live the same life, yet there is a whole no one can see. 3 beautiful holes that can never be filled. Our family pictures seem incomplete. They will always be missing from our photos. And no matter how I try with the collages it's not the same. 3 people are missing from our family everyday. 

Having other children doesn't make it easier. It makes it harder. I know what I am missing out on with my 3 in heaven. And even though they are not with us in this life they are still apart of our family and will be apart of our lives when we meet them in heaven. 



Saturday, October 12, 2013

Day 12

Article

I don't read many baby loss articles. I do read others blogs and write here a lot so I'm sharing another blog today that I read often. 

http://www.stillbornandstillbreathing.com/?m=1




Friday, October 11, 2013

Day 11

Triggers

My triggers are different now than they use to be. I can't hold a baby. I can't celebrate life any more. As in going to a baby shower or to the hospital when a baby is born. I'm sure those would be triggers for me so I avoid them. I have some anxiety when I go see my doctor. But the major trigger for me are holidays and vacations. This year should be Joshua's first Christmas. I want to buy him things. The girls should have been born right before Christmas. I want to share that with them. I think about them at Easter. Thinking about our next Disney trip and knowing I will never see the looks on Joshua, Faith and Hope's faces when they see Mickey Mouse. And I'm sad I won't get to do that with them. 

I guess my trigger would be moments that will never be ... 



Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Day-9

Music -
This song reminds me that I am not alone. And even when I can't hear him or feel him close he always is. 

Monday, October 7, 2013

Tubal and Recovery.

Warning*** medical stuff 



I'm writing this first part about 12 hours after my surgery started. But I won't be posting until my follow up appointment in 2 weeks. So this is from Tubal through recovery. 

09/23/13
1045am 
I finally get to out paient surgery at the hospital. After valet parking the car because we looked for a Parking spot for 30 minutes. They were so busy. Any way. I got checked in and called back at about 11:15. They asked what I was there for. Weighed me with my shoes on lol. Then took my BP, temp, pulse ox, asked me 101 questions everything was fine. I was then taken to pre-op waiting. Changed into a gown and was given 4 cloth scrub sponges to "wipe from knees to breast" I was thinking "Really after I showered twice for you too, I'm not that dirty!" But I did as I was told. I was given an IV and fluids were started. 


11:30 am 
Jason came back with me and Dr.C came in to see if I had any questions. I just made sure the plan was still to put in clips, through 2 little insisions, and I should go home in a few hours. He said yes and then said he would write me pain pills since he hadn't at my pre-op appointment. He also said I had one person ahead of me. He was assisting on a paient of Dr.I and then dr.I would assist him on mine. Sounded good. So we waited. 

12:30pm 
Jason decided to go ahead and go out to the waiting room and to eat. His stomach was trawling from not eating because I couldn't eat. Poor guy, I told him to go ahead. 

1:15pm
It's my turn to go in. There had been nurses in and out asking questions and such. One remembered me from August. This time they come in with two shots for my IV they one last time aske what I am having done. I say a tubal. Then "how many kids to you have". I say 8. I get "wow" then the meds start to work and I can't remember what the nurse said but I didn't respond. I remember the OR was cold and I was shaking because if that. I remember after I was moved over to the OR table Dr.C comes in and say "don't worry your ok" then I am asleep. 

230
My first memory from after surgery. Someone saying "deep breaths". I take them and tell them I'm in pain. I was given a shot in the IV. I get the feeling I'm going to throw up. I ask what they gave me and they said Morphine. So then they give me Phenagan so I don't throw up. I pass out again. 

3pm 
I'm in pain again. And still feel sick. I get more Morphine and Zofran 
330
I'm finally moved from recovery to post-op where Jason is. I am in pain. They aske did I want to drink something I say no. 
430
I call the nurse. I'm in pain. They decide to gave me crackers and water. I rate my pain at a 9 but they said I can't have anymore IV pain meds I've maxed out. It didn't matter they didn't help anyway. I had apparently gotten some fentnol as soon as I was awake as well. 

5:00pm 
I ask to go home. They say I must walk to the bathroom and pee before they can take the IV out. I'm hurting and they give me a pain pill. I wall with help from the nurse to the bathroom and pee. We get back to my room and I ask if I can get dressed. She asked me to rate my pain....7. So she takes my IV out I get dressed with Jason's help then the nurse comes back in to tell me I have an appointment in 2 weeks and gives me a list of instructions. Glad those are written down. All I remember is "no baths only showers" and the words "fall risk". 
6pm 
We are headed home. 

630pm. Pain. Lots of pain. I take a loratab. I had not had any of that. It decreases my pain but doesn't take it way. I fall asleep. 

8pm awake and in pain. I take 800mg Motrin. And finally stop having so much stabbing pain. I watch the kids play and some tv. 

11pm finally time for my Rx pain pill

12pm I'm tried and sleep. 

1am 
I wake to pee and walk there by myself so I don't wake anyone. I do not fall. And I realized my sharp stab pains are now less on the inside and more on the outside. I take 400mg Motrin. And decide to write this. 

I had been told by some about the "slight discomfort" I would feel, well them people LIED this crap HURTS! 

09/24/13
4am
I'm up hurting again. I take a loratab and go pee again, I'm not as dizzy as I had been and the fog of being put to sleep is lifting, however the meds make me foggy too. 

6am
My kids are up getting ready for school. I take some Naproxen because my stomach is slightly swollen. All the kids leave by 720 and I fall back asleep. 

8am 
My youngest Haleigh wakes up and my sister is here. She feeds her breakfast and watches over her. I am hurting but can't really take anything else for pain, so I just try to not move around much. My throat hurts really bad and when I try to cough my stomach hurts worse. 

11am 
Finally I can have some stronger meds. I take an Rx pill. my mom is here to watch over Haleigh. The meds allow me to relax and rest but not really sleep. Just takes the edge off the pain. 
2pm
Pain really sucks. I take 800mg of ibuprofen and relax a little bit. My legs hurt from not walking around but walking hurts. My chest hurts, my stomach hurts, my neck and sholder on my right side hurts. I finally fall asleep around 330.
5pm
I wake up in pain again. I walk around hoping to stop my leg pain. It does help a little. But it makes my side worse. I want a bath, but I can only have a shower. 

630pm 
Dinner, the first meal I actually eat. I am starving but can only eat a small ammount. I also take more naproxen. All these meds just dull the pain some and I do feel slightly better than last night. I no longer feel like I'm being stabbed in the stomach just punched repeatedly after being stabbed. Sucks right. 

7pm
Just to recap I have pain
In my throat
Chest
Sholders
Ribs
Right side down to my hip
All across my pelvic bone up to my belly button. 
And of course lets not forget the vaginal pain and bleeding. 

11pm
 Takin pain meds heading to bed. 

9/25/13
4am
4 & 1/2 hours of sleep felt awesome. I woke to pee. I seem to need to pee every 4 hours. I hope that's because I am drinking an insane amount of water. 
My pain feels different. It's went from a stabing feeling to a punching feeling to now a bruised up feeling. Still painful. Still hitting a 6, but it's not to same type of pain. And it's more where my cuts are. That must mean I am healing and the gas they pumped into my abdominal cavity is being absorbed into my body finally. 

7am. 
 I feel so sore. The more I walk around to more sore I feel. At least I can walk with out feeling like I am being stabbed or that I am going to fall down. 

730am
 I take my pain meds and go to lie down. I'm not sure if I have mentioned but I can't actually lay down. I am half proped up on the couch. I tried lying in the bed and it hurts worse so I have been on the couch. 

10am
Pain meds have worn off enough that I feel steady on my feet. I am letting them wear off so I can take a shower. I need to feel steady to so that. I head to the shower at 1030. I'm only in there for about 10 minutes and I am tired and sore. I can't bend to reach my feet and while washing my hair putting both hands on my head pulls on my skin and hurts. What is that pulling? Oh look a bandaid on my belly button that is pulling off. I pull it the rest of the way off. There is a stei strip over the stitches that are in my belly button. There is another one my pelvic bone but it's stuck on really well so I left it alone. I was so tired when I got out of the shower I I laid back down and slept for over an hour. 

1230pm. 
Took some ibuprofen and ate lunch. Well what little I can with out feeling sick. Even that makes me feel tired though. Back to watching movies on the couch. 



5pm 
Ive been sitting at the island talking. Doing good. When all of a sudden I start having pain. Lots of it. I must have sat wrong or moved wrong. The pain is in my belly button. 
530pm
Jason's home ask if my pain has been sharp all day. No it hasn't. He says the dr told him it should be a sore pain by Friday. So at lest I'm healing. 

10pm 
The Percacet takes affect really fast and last right at 2 hrs. Then the pain is back. That sucks. So I take the naproxen and lay down by 11pm I'm asleep. 

09/26/13
5am 
I slept all night! So excited. Pain is what I woke to. Trying some ibuprofen first. The pain Is not sharp is sore bruised ache feeling. Hoping I can leave the big pain meds alone today. 
730am
I feel drained. No energy at all. 

12:15pm
Most of my pain is still on my right side. I've had almost no pain on my left accept for the 1st day/night of all over pain. At least it's not as bad as it was. And now it's about from my ribs to my pelvic bone, not all the way to my sholder. 
5pm
Had to take my 1st Rx pain med of the day. I think the trip to the dollar store was too much. I didn't drive but I couldn't avoid going either. After I got home I was cramping pretty bad. Took 450mg naproxen and waited. 2hours later took the Rx. Well at least I didn't need them all day long. Now let's see if I can shower tonight with out pain. 
7pm 
Shower with minimal pain. Bandaid at pelvic bone is coming off so I pull it the rest of the way. There are a few strips covering stitches. I replace the large bandaid with a smaller one and place one over the strips in my belly button too. Seems to buffer the pain some. 
11pm 
Cramping again. Take some Rx meds. Need to sleep 

09/27/2013
2am
Wide awake! Sore around insisions. Little bits of cramps. 

730 am 
Kids off to school and I feel pretty good. I decide washing clothes is a good idea. 

1030am
Washing clothes was a bad idea. Pain in the stomach cramping bad idea. 

12pm 
A great friend sent us lunch. And I feel good enough to do some of my bible study. 

230pm
So tired sleep until kids get home from school. 

630pm 
Decide tonight's football game where my oldest son is playing in the band is a good thing to go to. 

8pm
Bad idea I hurt and I'm stuck here. 

1030pm 
Finally home. Pain pills taken go to bed. 

09/28/13

930am
Slept in and I'm feeling ok. Took some ibuprofen and mixed my coffee with mrilax again...

11am
Riding to the bank. Can't be helped I have to go. Riding in the car hurts. 

1pm
Needed a pain pill after the car ride. But just took Naproxen. Jason's not home. Trying to wait until he gets here to watch the kids. Took some ex-lax :(

3pm. 
Pain in my Belly button is crazy and feels like its on fire. It's not I checked. It's not swollen or red or draining just burning. So I take a pain pill put on a movie for the kids and lay down. 

530pm 
I have to take the kids to buy jeans and homecoming week stuff. I want to sleep. I know they need this and need me to go so I suck it up and go. My belly is sore.

8pm
Home finally my belly button feels like it's going to explode. It doesn't. I take more ibuprofen  

11pm 
I need more pain meds. Sigh.... Almost a week from sugery.
I....
Can't eat good
Can't sleep good
Can't sleep normal, I must be proped 
Still need Rx pain meds
Can't poop right
Can't bend over all the way 
Can't sit for long periods
Can't walk or stand for long periods

When I woke up from surgery I told Jason I would never do this S**t again. Well yeah, I shouldn't need to. BUT I would never do this again. This really sucks! 

9/29/13

8am
Finally I can poop!! I'm sorry if that grosses you out. I really am but seriously I have never been more excited. I shower and we head out for church at 930. I decide I only need to take naproxen and stuff some ibuprofen in my purse. 

11am
Big mistake not bringing my Rx pills. I forgot about the stairs. Oh boy. 

1230. 
Eating at church I take my ibuprofen. 

130pm 
Went to the cemetery. Sat with my babies a while. 

2pm 
Home. Pass out in the bed. 

330
Kids and Jason going to play cabbage ball at church. I'm however missing out because I am so sore. 

5pm. Soreness turns to cramps... Is my period coming? I don't think it's time but who knows really. 

6pm Cramps and stinging pain. Blah. Rx pain pill it is. 

730 I'm feeling better. Eat dinner. 

10pm 
Ready to pass out again. I will be glad when I have my energy back. 

9/30/13

Feeling better today. No really big pain until about 6pm. I'm really sore though and need ibuprofen or naproxen all day. I guess it could be worse. My Belly button is the worst of my sore parts. And my stei  strips are starting to peal off. 

At least I can get in and out of bed better and take care of my kids by myself. 

Wendsday I have to drive two kids to the dr for check ups. That will be a real test. 

10/01/13
I felt ok most of the day still sore. Still tired. I cooked a full dinner for the first time since surgery. I went to the kick ball game the church had. Stayed for about an hr then I drove to Walmart and got gas and then picked up my older son Collin from the high school. All with 3 other kids in tow (no I didn't life anything heavy). But by the time I got home I was wiped out. Ate dinner took an Rx pill loaded the dishwasher and went to bed. 

10/2/13
Had a good day. Minimal pain until the dog jumped on me. Then needed a Rx pill, that was 9pm. Drove all around today and that was exhausting. I need more sleep or something! 

10-03-13
Made 2 huge mistakes today. I tried to wear my jeans! Oh no no. First I'm still bloated although it's no where near as bad as it was. Second the pressure it put on my pelvic insision was unreal. We were gone from the house for an hour as soon as I got home I changed and went back into sweat pants. I've lived in them for almost 2 weeks. 

Mistake number 2 trying to blow up a balloon. What in the world was I thinking. I blew and immediately knew I had done something bad. Ugh. I didn't even think that you use the stomach for that. 

I believe if it wasn't for that I wouldn't have had to take Rx pain pills today. As it was I just needed the one. 

10/4/13

Today I had cramps. Bad cramps. Why? I don't know but I got by with ibuprofen. I am so bloated that I look a few months pregnant. This has to end at some point right? 

10/05/13

Omg I hate this! My belly button feels like its on fire again. I refuse to take more Rx meds 2 weeks (almost) is enough. I have taken naproxen today and that has dulled the sting but damn it's been almost 2 weeks shouldn't I feel normal by now? Shouldn't I be able to wear my normal clothes? I hate not feeling myself. I am tired. I am hurting and oh cramps and bleeding today too! I would not go back and do this crap to myself again. This is crazy. My Steri Strips are also firmly still attached. I really hope he doesn't want to pull them off on Monday cause that's gonna suck!

10/06/13
Excited about the dr tomorrow. Belly button still stings. 

10/7/13
My belly button incision is still open. The stiri strips were pilling off and when is it they fold in my belly button causing the stinging fire pain I am feeling. He took them off replaced them, then put a bandaid over that said I can take the bandaid off tomorrow. The incision should close with in the next 2 weeks if It doesn't call him. But not to worry it will. My pelvic incision looks great and is closed. My blood levels are low 10.2. So that explains why I am so tired all the time. I restarted my supplements. Cramps and bleeding are probably a period. But it's hard to tell because I got that Depo shot and it messes with your periods bad. I asked for and for and got my flu shot. My pap is due but we are waiting until December. He wanted to see me back in 2 months anyway. We talked a little bit, I can start walking. Can run when my incision is closed, still no baths and no heavy lifting. Until my incision heals completely. We also went over the signs of a tubal pregnancy. That is a great fear of mine in having them clamped. 

That's about it. 2 full weeks and I'm still healing. 

Do I regret it? No, I don't. I'm still sad about it I always will be. But I stand by my choice. 

Would I do it again if I could have see this recovery? No, it's been hell.  

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Day 7


Me Now

I'm not sure If I was really suppose to do a selfie (yes I have a teen daughter so I know what that means). Or just something that represents who I have become. I can honestly say I don't know who I am right now. But I know that I am changed. I will never be who I was before  Joshua died and I will never be who I was after he died yet before Faith and Hope died. I miss who I was before sometimes. But I know that I will never be that person again. I may come close to looking like her one day, but there will always be something different about me on the inside, even if it doesn't show on the outside. So Me Today.... I am Changed. 




Day -6

Rituals

Day 6 

I was never a flower type of girl. I always said "they just sit there and die". I never bought flowers. I didn't like fake flowers, silk ones they just never had any meaning to me. I would look at them in the store and think "who buys that?". Then Joshua died. Someone asked me what type of flowers I wanted on his casket. I had to pick flowers for my sons casket. I chose roses. My daughter and I buried them in the back yard and bought more. We have kept real flowers on our table since then. We buy new flowers for our table every 2 weeks. Faith and Hope had roses as well. 
I am also now that person who buys the fake looking silk flowers for my children's grave. 




Faith and Hope. 08/11/13

Joshua Henson 12/13/12

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Day 5


 Memory 

There are a few memories that stick out for me when I close my eyes and think of my children. I always think of Joshua's feet first. The last ultrasound I had we got a perfect picture of his foot and toes. When he was born his feet were so perfect and so small. 
For my girls, there was finding out there were two babies instead of one. I left the doctors office thinking how much in love I was with both of them already. And I remember thinking after they were born how important a picture of their feet was. I already had plans to hang their foot picture next to Joshua's. 






Friday, October 4, 2013

Day 4

Legacy 


Day 4 Legacy 
I have been having a hard time with this one. 
Defined Legacy is what a person leaves behind once they die. 
My children died when they were born how could they have left anything, except sadness? I didn't want to put sadness down as their Legacy. 
Then I thought "that's not all they gave me" 
My angels gave me things:
1.Joshua have me an understanding of people and how they react in a time of pure sadness and grief. Badly, most people react badly. 
2. Faith and Hope restored my faith and hope in people. That there are people who care when your baby dies. 
3. A broken heart this may seem really bad, but it's given me the understanding I needed to be there for other people when they are hurting. 
4. The Ability to see what matters most. To see the big picture and know what is most important. And what is not, what can wait and what needs to be done now. 
My 3 babies gave me all that. That is a pretty big Legacy.