Infertility

I've never thought much about infertility. Because if there is one thing I have always been it's fertile. Until now that is. And I have a new understanding for women who struggle to make their families. Not just women who are having trouble having their first baby, but also women who are struggling to add to their families and women like me who's baby having days were cut short and ended badly.

My sister is getting things ready to adopt a child. She will become a mother when that happens for the first time. I'm proud of her. Taking that step. There are more invasive things she could have done to birth a child, but instead they made the choice to adopt. I'm not sure I would have the strength to adopt a child. But she does. I'm so excited for them. They are going to make great parents. 

I'm a bit sacred as well. The chances are that the next baby I hold will be my sisters baby. I don't even know when the baby maybe coming and I already think of him or her as my niece or nephew. But it's going to be hard. I will probably have some anxiety buying her gifts. I will probably cry when I hold her. But hey I cried when I held my other 2 sisters children too. I know I will hurt some. But I also think it will be healing. How selfish is that. I mean I just said "yay my sister is adopting a baby, it's going to help me heal" and yeah it's selfish to think that way, however I believe it's true. At the moment I can't look at any baby under a year a not think of my own. I can't celebrate that new life. I want to be able to and I think God has put this in my path to help me heal. 

Do I think God made my sister wait this long to help me heal? No, no I don't. In the bigger picture there is so much more. But I believe God knows all and his timing for everything is perfect. Even though our timing almost never matches his. I think he will use this to help me. Not only to help me celebrate life and hopefully let go of some anger, but to also come to terms with being infertile. Even though there is peace in the choice I made there is still hurt that goes along with that choice and sadness. I'm Angry that it's a choice i even had to make in the first place. 

So I may not understand what it's like to never be a mom and want to. I may never understand what it's like to become a mom through adoption. But I do know what it's like to not be able to have what you want.. A child. Even if it's "another child".