I wish I could say I do it for awareness like some bloggers do. I wish i could say it was to make baby loss an ok subject to talk about and not so taboo. But it's not. Not really.
I wish I could say it makes me feel good. That it helps me feel closer to my babies to write about them. But no it's not that would be a lie.
I wish I could say it was to help other women who are now where I was or who will one day walk in my path. But again that's not it.
Sure some of this May bring Awareness to some people. Somedays it helps to remember my babies and it may one day help another mother. But that's not why I write.
I write because I have to. I have to get thing out of my head sometimes. I write so I don't forget how I feel right now today. I will one day feel some better. This overwhelming sadness will one day lift but I will never want to forget the feelings I have right now. I work through my grief out loud. You know like some people talk with their hands, well that's me. I grive with a blog. I write. It may not all be beautiful words but it's real. Nothing I write is made up or thought up somewhere. This is my real life. And most of the time my real life is hell. At least for now.
It's hard. Wanting to be happy. Wanting to join in on life and what others are doing but knowing you can't. It will hurt too much. Sometimes I think if I can get all the hurt out I will heal better. Like a posion. If you get bit by a snake and then get the posion out your ok. I wish I could get the hurt out that easy. I though of pushing myself. Going to see one of the umpteen women I know who have newborn and ask to Hold them until I stop crying. Maybe that would get the hurt out, but honestly I don't think I have it in me and would probably not stop crying. It would probably make things so much worse. But I want it to make it better.
Sometimes I write because I'm angry. Not sad but angry. I wasn't angry when Joshua died. I knew God would take care of me. I knew that I would learn something. That something good would come out of his death. Even though I didn't understand I trusted I had faith. When I got pregnant with twins I thought ok Lord this must to the challenge you had in store for me when you took Joshua. Oh was I wrong! I got mad when they died too. I thought why would God let this happen to me again. Only 8 months after. I didn't and don't understand. I don't see how this will ever amount to anything good. I'm angry at the world. Everyone and everything in it and beyond. .. That's heathy right?
I told my dr that I was angry when he asked how I thought I was doing emotionally. I just said " I'm angry". His response... At who? I sat there and then said. People He asked me. "What do people do to make you mad?" My answer. They breathe.
Ah ok he starts writing. And talking. You know being stuck in the anger stage of grief is common. Yes I know. I'm going to write you something that I think will help. I responded with "Well I hope so". Stuck in anger. Yup stuck. If I could just see something good in any of this I may be able to let go of the anger but I don't and I'm scared I will never see any good in it and I will be angry for the rest of my life. The meds he wrote for me are helping. I am coping better. I have fewer lashing outs. And I'm sure Jason is glad for that since I tend to lash out at him.
Sometimes I write because I miss my children. I want to hold them and kiss their faces again. I want them to know how much I love them and how much I think of them each and everyday. I miss them everyday. I think of how I should have them. How getting ready to go out should be harder. How I should be getting ready for Joshua's first Halloween. Getting ready to have twins. Having 3 extra kids in the house this Christmas. I'm missing things that haven't happened because they never will and it helps to say it out loud.