Friday, October 11, 2013

Day 11


My triggers are different now than they use to be. I can't hold a baby. I can't celebrate life any more. As in going to a baby shower or to the hospital when a baby is born. I'm sure those would be triggers for me so I avoid them. I have some anxiety when I go see my doctor. But the major trigger for me are holidays and vacations. This year should be Joshua's first Christmas. I want to buy him things. The girls should have been born right before Christmas. I want to share that with them. I think about them at Easter. Thinking about our next Disney trip and knowing I will never see the looks on Joshua, Faith and Hope's faces when they see Mickey Mouse. And I'm sad I won't get to do that with them. 

I guess my trigger would be moments that will never be ... 

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