finding me

For the month of October while doing the Capture your grief Challenge, (its not easy by the way) I have come to realize just how much has changed in me this year. I've learned a lot about myself.... The new person that I am. The new life I am living since death became so much of my life. Most of it is good. The first step in becoming who you are after baby loss is realizing you will never be the same person again. You simply cant go back. No matter how hard you try there is no going back from this. And that is scary. If I cant go back to who I was, then who am I? That is a question I have been trying to answer for a while. Who am I now? Yes I am still a mother. I am still a wife. Still a Daughter, Sister, Friend. But how I do these things are different.

 I am a more protective dare I say hovering mother. There were days that I would let my children play across the street for half the day. Now they are lucky to go for an hour. I just cant not make them check in. Something may happen and I wont know because I didnt check. I didnt make them check in so I didnt know for what could be hours. I have a hard time letting my oldest who is 15 go anywhere. What if something happens to her. I let her go and something happens its my fought, so I keep them all close, where I can watch them and know they are safe. A little over board? Maybe so. However They are safe.

I am a more distant wife. Its hard. its a lot of work. Jason and I grieve very differently. I am loud. I will not let the world around me go on like my children were not apart of it. They may not have been here very long, but they were here. And he doesn't care that I do that. But he is quite about them. Sometimes I think he doesn't want to talk about them, I love to talk about them. And I do.

My other relationships have changed as well. I cant seem to hold much of a conversation. Its not that I am not listening or that I am not interested in what people are saying, its that I have nothing to talk about, not really. So I just listen. And sometimes.... A lot of times I just want to be alone. I do let people in and I dont feel like I shut people out, but there are times I wish I could just sleep instead of being anything else. Maybe one day I will be able to get back to more involved relationships, as the new me of course.