11&45

In case some missed it. When I posted the #sayitoutloud a few days ago I announced the Girls 1st names. They will always be our Faith and Hope. We haven't ordered their headstone yet, and we are unsure how it will read. However Faith and Hope were always suppose to be their middle names. Giving them other first names when they were born was too hard so we stuck with Faith and Hope. They would have been.

Aurbree Faith and Amelia Hope. 

I can't believe it's been11 weeks, since they were born. 11 weeks without them. Time is a strange concept to me now. It seems time doesn't move the way it use to. The 11 weeks since the girls were born feels like it was a really long time ago, but at the same time I can see their perfect faces and tiny hands in mine and it's like it was yesterday. 

It is the same with Johua, 45 weeks.  Almost a year. I can't believe I've been without him so long. I miss him. I wonder what his temperament would have been. I believe he would have been such a sweet baby. I sometime have a hard time remembering how long it's been because I feel like there is no way it's been almost a year. How did time pass so fast. At the same time it feels like that day was such a long time ago and so many things have changed. 

I wish I could change the way things turned out with my babies. But I know there is not. If there had been a way to save them I would have done it. If I could have held in these 11 weeks with the girls they would have a great chance at life now. Being 27weeks they would weigh about 3 pounds each. But it will never be. Wasn't meant for me. One day I will understand. One day this will make since. Until that day I will count the time and remember how sweet the time I did have with them was. How heart crushing the time I don't have with them is. And long for a time when I will be with them again.