I don't believe Mother's Day will ever be the same for me.
I am always a little sad everyday. There is never a day that I don't think about my children, about what today would be if they have lived, what would my nights be like. Nights are hard because I know I would have been up taking care of little ones, so sleeping is hard. I don't want to sleep I want to be awake changing diapers and nursing my babies. There is never a moment I forget.
On Mother's Day last year I wrote how I was grateful that our church didn't hold baby dedication that day. That I was able to go to church and not have to sit though the baby dedication. This year we did though and I was ok. I cant say I wasn't scared at how it may go, or how I may feel, because as it was I should have had my girls to dedicate to the church today too. I should have been up there with Faith and Hope. And yes I had that thought. I also had the thoughts of how beautiful baby Mallory was today sitting in our pastors arms. He choked up a little while expressing his love for children. I realized then that even though my children died he loved them that way too. I cried. I wasn't the only one though, and I cant say I know why everyone else was crying, but I can say that I was crying for two reasons.
One I am sad. Sad that my children are not here with me and that they will never be here with me. I will however be with them one day.
Two I am happy. I am happy that this baby will grow to know the Lord and that I have a part of that. I am apart of her church family, Just as all the other children in the church. I will help her know Jesus in Children's Church, I will help teach her to pray, I will teach her God's love.
I wish I was able to teach those things to Joshua, Faith and Hope.
I am in a different place this Mother's Day than I was last year. I was pregnant last year with the girls. I had not found out myself yet though.
I will never be the person I was last year. I have grown and I am more open to things I would have never been open to a year ago. I am thankful for everything I have learned though losing my babies, but I would still chose to have them with me. I would still chose for myself and have them here on earth with me. Selfish? yes it is and that is OK.