Sunday, May 11, 2014

Happy Mothers Day.

I don't believe Mother's Day will ever be the same for me.

 I am always a little sad everyday. There is never a day that I don't think about my children, about what today would be if they have lived, what would my nights be like. Nights are hard because I know I would have been up taking care of little ones, so sleeping is hard. I don't want to sleep I want to be awake changing diapers and nursing my babies. There is never a moment I forget.
On Mother's Day last year I wrote how I was grateful that our church didn't hold baby dedication that day. That I was able to go to church and not have to sit though the baby dedication. This year we did though and I was ok. I cant say I wasn't scared at how it may go, or how I may feel, because as it was I should have had my girls to dedicate to the church today too. I should have been up there with Faith and Hope. And yes I had that thought. I also had the thoughts of how beautiful baby Mallory was today sitting in our pastors arms. He choked up a little while expressing his love for children. I realized then that even though my children died he loved them that way too. I cried. I wasn't the only one though, and I cant say I know why everyone else was crying, but I can say that I was crying for two reasons.
One I am sad. Sad that my children are not here with me and that they will never be here with me. I will however be with them one day.
Two I am happy. I am happy that this baby will grow to know the Lord and that I have a part of that. I am apart of her church family, Just as all the other children in the church. I will help her know Jesus in Children's Church, I will help teach her to pray, I will teach her God's love.
I wish I was able to teach those things to Joshua, Faith and Hope. 
I am in a different place this Mother's Day than I was last year. I was pregnant last year with the girls. I had not found out myself yet though.
I will never be the person I was last year. I have grown and I am more open to things I would have never been open to a year ago. I am thankful for everything I have learned though losing my babies, but I would still chose to have them with me. I would still chose for myself and have them here on earth with me. Selfish? yes it is and that is OK. 

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

He's got Today.

Today I can not say was the best day of my life, but it wasn't the worst either. I know that even though it was an expected date this would have never have been his birthday. And in a strange way that comforts me.

My new job as a children's director in my church has taken off. We have a lot of events planned. We have had many meeting and many more to go. We are just starting on this road. It's exciting and challenging. It's made me think a lot about where I stand with God. I've said before I am not mad at him. I do not believe he stole my children. They were always his, he just in trusted me with them while they were in earth. And even though It was such a short time I am glad it was me. 

I have thought sometimes why he would put so much pain in my life so close together. That somehow this would have been easier has it happened when I was younger or between living children instead of back to back. And then my pastor cleared it all up for me. Though it took me 2 weeks to understand what he said was true. God has no past no future. Time for us is leaner because that's how we understand life. For God everything is now. 15 years ago for us is now. 15 years from now for us is now. So I understand, everything that has Happened and will happen is happening right now. Like I said it confused me for 2 weeks. But I understand now. 

I'm sure I don't have all the answers. I'm sure a child will ask me a question that I don't know the answer to and I will answer with "That's a great question, let's find the answer together". I'm sure I am going to learn as much if not more from them than they will from me. I am sure God lead me here or I would have ran far far away from this job. I'm sure I'm going to love it and hate it. I'm sure it's going to bring more joy into my life. I'm sure that it's scary to start new things. I'm sure it's worth it. And lastly I'm sure God is with me. He's got this, even if I don't. Even when I doubt my ability to do this he knows. He has this. He has me. 

Monday, May 5, 2014


Triggers what does it mean?

I see that word and it has multiple meanings for me. 

At one point it might mean I have a migraine and something I ate triggered it (pork). 
I read it at the top of a post in my loss group and I know that they are either announcing a pregnancy or birth of their rainbow. 
A trigger for the Baby loss community looks different for everyone in it. It may look different for every person every day. 

When Joshua died I couldn't even look at my own maternity clothes they just reminded me that I wasn't pregnant with him. I leaked for a while after he was born when I heard a baby cry. My triggers that lead to me crying in the bathroom at target included walking past a baby's sock. It was a very painful time to be me. And I suspect even around me. 

When Faith and Hope were still safely tucked inside my womb, I has thoughts of how healing having twins was since I had lost Joshua. I still had issues with stores so I looked on line. When they died my triggers were not only that of Radom baby things but now included all things twin. Even the off chance of catching a re-run of Sister-Sister hurt. I was set off by little girls who looked alike or who were not twins but were dressed alike. Same out fit, same bow, different colors. All I could think was, how I was robbed of the chance to parent my children.  

As my grief had changed so has my triggers. I still stair at pregnant women and hope their babies make it. I pray every night that my sister brings her baby home from the hospital healthy. I can online shop for her. I haven't tried to go to the baby store yet. I may try.... I may order. I can hold babies, but I don't want to put them down or give them back. I still feel robbed. Cheated. Shorthanded. But it no longer keeps me a prisoner of my home. I am no longer crying in the bathroom at target. 
One day I may be able to see a child who was born when my babies should have been born as not think of how much I miss them. One day I may wake up and not immediately think of how unfair this all is, one day one day. 

But for today I'm still here. Still knowing that in 20 minutes It will be Joshua's would be 1st birthday. The day we had circled on the calender. The day he was due to be born. 

So if I seem a little scattered and I don't pick up the phone, it's because my arms are aching to have what now only my heart can hold. Be paient with me while I grieve the loss of what today will never be.  

Sunday, May 4, 2014


One Day. If that's all you had left with someone what would you say? What would you do?

Depends on the person right? I mean if it's your mail person, you might smile when you see them. But if it's you child, I bet you would hold them until the very end was done. 

Imagine that's the only day you had with them ever? That's how it is for me. That's how I feel. I had a few hours to make a life time of memories with 3 beautiful children. There is so much that I still wanted to say and do with them. So much I wanted them to know. 

I didn't have time. I didn't know that I didn't have the time. That there wasn't going to be a tomorrow with them. 

I had plans. The night my water broke with Joshua I remember thinking got much I had to get done that night and the next day what all I needed to be bought to decorate for Christmas. I thought I has time to sit and rub my belly and talk to my baby later. I thought I would have a lifetime to share my love for him. But I didn't. 48 hrs later he was gone. My whole world shattered. 

There is not a tomorrow. There is however a today. Use today! Let things happen today. Slow down. Take your time. Be paient. Let life happen. Take a step back and thank God for today. Not once in the bible have I seen it said "Jesus then hurried off because he fell behind Gods plan and had to catch up" 

We are never behind. We are always exactly where we are meant to be.