Triggers

Triggers what does it mean?

I see that word and it has multiple meanings for me. 

At one point it might mean I have a migraine and something I ate triggered it (pork). 

I read it at the top of a post in my loss group and I know that they are either announcing a pregnancy or birth of their rainbow. 

A trigger for the Baby loss community looks different for everyone in it. It may look different for every person every day. 

When Joshua died I couldn't even look at my own maternity clothes they just reminded me that I wasn't pregnant with him. I leaked for a while after he was born when I heard a baby cry. My triggers that lead to me crying in the bathroom at target included walking past a baby's sock. It was a very painful time to be me. And I suspect even around me. 

When Faith and Hope were still safely tucked inside my womb, I has thoughts of how healing having twins was since I had lost Joshua. I still had issues with stores so I looked on line. When they died my triggers were not only that of Radom baby things but now included all things twin. Even the off chance of catching a re-run of Sister-Sister hurt. I was set off by little girls who looked alike or who were not twins but were dressed alike. Same out fit, same bow, different colors. All I could think was, how I was robbed of the chance to parent my children.  

As my grief had changed so has my triggers. I still stair at pregnant women and hope their babies make it. I pray every night that my sister brings her baby home from the hospital healthy. I can online shop for her. I haven't tried to go to the baby store yet. I may try.... I may order. I can hold babies, but I don't want to put them down or give them back. I still feel robbed. Cheated. Shorthanded. But it no longer keeps me a prisoner of my home. I am no longer crying in the bathroom at target. 

One day I may be able to see a child who was born when my babies should have been born as not think of how much I miss them. One day I may wake up and not immediately think of how unfair this all is, one day one day. 

But for today I'm still here. Still knowing that in 20 minutes It will be Joshua's would be 1st birthday. The day we had circled on the calender. The day he was due to be born. 

So if I seem a little scattered and I don't pick up the phone, it's because my arms are aching to have what now only my heart can hold. Be paient with me while I grieve the loss of what today will never be.