Wednesday, November 27, 2013
I failed at my 30 days of thankfulness. It's not that I don't have 30 things I'm thankful for. I do, but the closer thanksgiving gets the more I think about last year. Happy. Disney. Pregnant. Joshua. Happy. And it makes me sad. He should be here. I should still be pregnant with the girls or making a trip to the nicu at least to see them. Instead I will head to the grave yard and visit all three of them. I have now realized this is forever, and my heart aches. I have to spend the next forever thanksgivings missing my babies and thinking about how life would be different. About how old they should be. About all I wanted to share with them. A life time of holidays not celebrated with them. It sucks so bad. I wish I could skip it. All of it. I hate feeling this way. Is it 2014 yet. 2014 has be be a better year. 2013 was horrible.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Myth #1 Time heal all wounds
Truth : No no it doesn't. Time dosent heal the hurt of your baby dying. Time keeps going and nothing stops it. Time for grief is like a bandaid. It covers for a while. Makes you think your ok that the hurt in down deep and not at the top any more. Then the band aid gets ripped off because you realize how much time has past. It's another birthday, Christmas, month, year with out them and the time between when you last held them and now is getting longer. Time dosent heal it hurts.
Myth #2. In time you will forget.
Truth : I don't want to forget. These are my babies I will never ever forget them. They were here, they were alive, they mattered.
Myth #3 Give your self time and you will get over it.
Truth : This is not something you get over ever. Time will not help it. You get over losing your house, you get over not getting that watch you wanted, you get over not being approved for that new car. You however do not get over the death of your child.
Myth #4. Time is your friend.
Truth : No no it's not. I live in 2 different times now. The before and the after. And sometimes even a 3rd. After it happened again. The time between my babies dying is too short. The time I spent with them was too short. The time they were on earth was too short. The time I have to spend without them it too long. The time I have to wait to touch then again to see their faces is too long.
Sunday, November 24, 2013
I have been on edge all day. Woke up with bad nerves. Nothing happened, just on edge all day. It was obvious that I was at some braking point. Nothing triggered it, just sometimes I have off days. Days where everything I see makes me wanna scream. Days when everyone smiling and being fake happy is too much and I just want to hide away under the covers forever. That was my day today. It's been a while since I had one on the weekend. On the weekdays it's easy to hide. No one is here with me except Haleigh and she doesn't care if I am in my pjs all day and lay on the couch until 2pm. I think she prefers those days sometimes. I so as well.
I know other people hurt and I know other people have lost babies and they hurt like I do. Support groups have proved thay point to me. But when I hear people complain about the bad year they have had. I want to scream "You have no clue what a bad year is" so you lost some income.... My children died. So you are in debt more than ever..... my children died. So you have the flu..... My children died. So you got a divorce..... My children died.
Yeah yeah I know it's not fair. I shouldn't compare those things I really shouldn't. I have complained about those things before, in years past. Not enough sleep. No time alone. Having the flu.
I really do understand that whatever you are going through right now is big for you in your life.
Everything for me just is smaller. I'm not worried about Christmas, it will get done. When Haleigh had surgery my biggest fear was her dying. And as everyone know that's always a risk when anyone ever has surgery. Anyother complication we have been or could be faced with seems small compared to death.
That's a sad way to think isn't it.
Hey as long as no one died it's fine.
Thats however where my brain is today. Your alive stop complaining.
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Friday, November 22, 2013
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Monday, November 18, 2013
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Losing Joshua was and still is the hardest thing I have ever been experienced. It was cruel. Everything was going just as it should. I was having no problems. We had found out it was a boy. We started planning. Picking a name. Everything that we had done after the first 13 weeks with our other children. Things were perfect. We were going to have 6 beautiful children. 4 boys and 2 girl. We had just gotten back from Disney World and we were starting to decorate for Christmas. I don't think there had been a time when we were so happy. It had been a while since everything went right for us. And this was it. Pregnant and happy with our last child. Then disaster struck. Out of the blue. From no where our whole lives came crushing down on us. My water broke. That one moment realizing that no I was no peeing was the scariest moment of my life. I think I knew that he would not make it at that moment I sat on my bed towel between my legs and cried. I called for Jason and then we headed for the hospital. I was sent to another hospital where my dr was and by morning it was confirmed that my water was broken. I was put on meds and given the option to terminate the pregnancy. I was heart broken. I could not give up on my baby. I wanted to give him life. I never got the chance. The choice to carry him to term and give him a chance was taken when my health was at stake. I had to think of my 5 other children and there mother, I couldn't leave them motherless. I had to deliver my baby boy knowing he would not survive birth. My heart was crushed, there was nothing I could do. I never wanted to let him go. I fell into a deep dark hole and had no intention of climbing out of it ever. I acted a good show in front of people but I was dying inside.
Then there was a light. Then two lights. Twin girls.
I think from the beginning I tried to guard my heart from loving them. It didn't work. I loved them from the moment the line on the stick showed pink. There is no love like the love a mother has for her children. I didn't believe that I would make it to 13 weeks. I did. After that people told me to not worry. That God wouldn't take 2 more children from us. That having two was Gods way of giving me Joshua back what was taken from me. To believe and it will be. To pray and I will be given two beautiful girls. To think good thoughts and good things will follow. They were all lies. Everyone of them lies.
It was different though I denied what would happen. I put off going in until the morning after. Didn't wake Jason, because well I could have just peed. I mean I was pregnant with twins after all.
When my dr told me he was admitting me and it was probably not going to be a good outcome. I simply said ok. I thought to myself. I will not give up. I will fight for these children's lives. And I did. I was offered a termination again. I have learned that is standard and they must offer it to you when the baby is not yet viable. I said no thank you. I believed I would make it. That my babies would be miracles. But a part of me knew. I stopped looking a twin things I would need. I deleted my wish list. I was mentally preparing for what I knew was to come. But still I laid on bed rest and prayed. It was however not meant to be, I think the week between my water braking and labor helped me process what was about to happen and it softened the blow and with that my beautiful happy life had turned into one disaster after another.
I didn't know how to comfort my children about their brother and sister dying. I didn't know how to not lay in the couch and cry. I didn't know how to live any more. I didn't want to kill myself, but I wished to die. To stop hurting. To stop being so angry. To have happiness back. To really laugh. To stop crying. To be the kind of mother I once was.
I believe my girls helped me heal. As crazy as that seems I know I did not truly begin to heal from Joshua's death until I lost the girls too. It's terrible to say. I know. I am greatful though. I may have never gotten the help I needed for my depression if I had not lost the girls. It makes me sad that I had to lose them to heal.
I loved all three of them so deeply. As deep as for my living children. I love to talk about all three of them. I miss them and speak their names often.
There is a hole in my heart in my life that will never be filled, but at least now I can sit and look at their pictures and smile at the memories of the few hours I got to hold them in this life. I smile at the memories of them kicking inside me of them rolling around on the ultrasounds. I have very few memories with them, but all of them are good ones. I wish I had more. I wish I was given more time in this life with them. But I know the years I spend without them will be shorter than the eternity I will spend with them.
Saturday, November 16, 2013
I had an appointment with my OBGYN today. Yes I'm fine, I was riden with anxiety before my appointment though, last time I was there was not a pleasant memory for me. So I was dreading a repeat of that day. To my surprise I was the last appointment of the day. At 3pm. There were no hugely pregnant women there. There was not loud woman waving her twin ultrasound pictures in my face. It was just me in a room waiting. I was thankful for that.
I have to say. I'm sure somewhere in my chart everything I've ever said to my OB is written down. However, he's a great doctor. He was not only concerned with how my physical healing was going, but also the emotional side. We talked a little about my feelings. He asked about the kids and Jason. He asked about Haleigh and our upcoming trip to Birmingham. He doesn't have to talk to me. He could just take care of what I'm there for and send me on my way. But that's not the kind of dr he is. I believe he cares. I believe he really wanted to know how we all were, so he asked.
Everything went good physically and otherwise.
I made it through an appointment without crying. That's a first since losing Joshua almost a year ago. I did however cry in the car after.
Then I did something else. Something I had been thinking of doing. I bought a baby shower gift all on my own. For a dear friend who is having a rainbow baby in January. It was hard buying a baby gift for a baby girl who is due days from when the girls were due. But it was a step I needed to take. A step I wasn't ready for yesterday, but was today. I didn't go to the baby store, but I did buy a baby gift. And if you are a baby loss mom you know how huge that step is. I am very proud I was able to do that all by myself.
Friday, November 15, 2013
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Monday, November 11, 2013
This post isn't going to make me any friends. I may actually lose a few. And you know what that's ok. This has been in my mind for the past couple months and I have not had the courage to write about it. The during Sunday school, it was a related topic and I just can't get it off My mind. I am driven by the desire to write from my heart. And that's where this comes from.
Stop complaining about your perfectly imperfect children. Grow up and realize how amazing your children are. Stop complaining about having to stop your life to take care of theirs. You made the choice to become their parent. So be one.
I know that may sound harsh and judge mental. Harsh yes. It's meant to be harsh, you need to realize what a true miracle your children are, how much has to go just right for them to have been born alive and make it past the newborn stage. It's really amazing. Yet you sit there on your computer while they entertain themselves. You gripe about stopping what your doing to play or to fix dinner or to give a bath, read a story, snuggle with them.
I'm not judging you. I am guilty of this as well. I remember having my first child and begging for a few hours of adult time. I remember being gone with Jason for a week at a time when my 2nd was under a year old. I remember putting my 3rd in a swing and napping on the couch. I remember being so glad when I stopped having to set the alarm to feed my 4th. I remember feeling lucky when my 5th was a great sleeping from the start. I remember complaining about being sleep deprived. About not getting a shower, not having help, not having clothes that fit right, not eating hot food, about smelling like formula. When they got older I was driving everyone everywhere. Getting up early coming in late. That was me. I have complained about it all at one point or another and you know what. It was wrong. I was wrong!
I should have realized how blessed I was to have a child at all. To have my babies at home crying all night was a blessing and I didn't see it. Sleepless nights, spoiled milk, tired eyes, sore back I could go on and on. It was worth it. Every day was worth it. And I wish someone would have told me .....
Shut up and be happy!
I was always thankful for them, but I can't say I was always happy with the way things were going, and I should have been.
I would give anything to have Joshua, Faith and Hope here with me now. As hard as it would be with three babies I would trade the grief for being sleep deprived, for no alone time, for no time to pee, for smelling like formula, for rocking my baby at 3am and 4am and 5am.
I wish I had that. I wish I had the kind of things in my life that you complain about everyday.
A lost shoe
A crying baby
A tummy ach
A late start
A forgotten diaper bag
Take a step back, realize what you have.
Give a hug instead of yelling.
Tell your children how much you live them instead of what they did wrong.
Slow down enjoy the time you have with them. Calm down the shoe will be found... Or not it's ok. The baby will stop crying.... It just takes time Tummy aches don't last forever... But cuddle them when they hurt. Running late... So what slow down no one is going to be hurt from missing 10 mins of 1st period. Forgot your bag or purse.... It's ok go back and get it... Again it will be ok if your late because of it.
Be greatful, be-aware of what you have in your hands. Handel your children with the care and respect they need. Show them love. Stop complaining about the life you created and enjoy it.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Saturday, November 9, 2013
Today I am thankful for healthcare.
From the intern that delivered Madalyn to Dr.C who delivered My last 4 children. And the ones I between there. The staff at the hospital that took time to teach me to swaddle a preemie. The nicu staff that helped me be ok with a baby that stoped breathing when he ate. The doctors and nurses that staff the hospitals my children were born at. The nurses at Mobile Infirmary that cried with me and held my hand as I delivered my girls alone. The surgeons taking care of Haleigh and the caring staff of UAB.
Thank you for all you have done.
Friday, November 8, 2013
Today has been a bad day.
Some days are just bad. I woke up with an ache in my heart. My chest aches. Today is my 1st born sons 13th birthday. I love him so much. I tried to say to myself that it was him getting older that was tugging at my heart today, but I think that just magnified it for me. Soon Collin will be going out with friends and dating then driving. All the things Madalyn is doing. They are growing into awesome young people.
I then took a trip to Walmart. See while Collins birthday is today we are having his party on the 17th. Because his sister is turning 5 on Sunday and we will celebrate her birthday this week. Collin wants his own day and that is ok with us. So I went to get her gifts and while doing so I was by the baby walking toys and it hit me.
There is another birthday coming. A birthday that there will be only flowers and balloons to buy. No walking toys, no favorite cartoon cake.
I held it together in Walmart. Not so much in the car. My arms ache to hold Joshua, just for a minute I just want to cuddle my baby, hold him next to my skin one more time.
How am I going to make it through his birthday?
Some people do special things on their babies birthdays. A balloon release or something. But honestly I will be lucky to make it out of bed that day.
My heart is heavy, my arms are aching.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
I have loved seeing everyone share what they are thankful for this week. I have been sharing mine on my Facebook page as well as on here. Things get lost on Facebook. Hidden among thousands of post sometimes deleted, so I'm sure to post them here too.
I did get an interesting message today. Although I won't call her out, I am going to address the publicly.
It seems some (or one) think I am working too hard on my thankfulness. That I am trying too hard and one upping everyone else.
Well I'm not. I wake up and think... What is on my mind today? And that's my thankfulness if the day. It's not work for me. Yes I add a nice picture, but that's something I enjoy doing. Not something I am doing to one up anyone else. My thankfulness post are for me to show the ones I love how thankful I am for them. It really is that simple. And who knows maybe one day this month I maybe thankful for my coffee too.😉
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Some days are better than others. Some days I wish I didn't have to get out of bed. And to be honest the only reason I do is because I have 5 children depending on me. I have no choice. I must get up. I must soldier on. I am still a mom, I still have to get the kids to school, make breakfast, play barbies, do laundry, dishes, bathrooms, dinner, shopping. It didn't stop because my babies died. The world just kept on moving. I however have felt like I have been left behind a little. I know I have only been half attentive to the important things and even less to the not so important stuff. I cope with life sometimes by tuning it out. By not paying attention to what's happening around me. That is how it is now November and the last 3 months are a complete blur.
Sure I remember some things. I remember burring my daughters. I remember having a birthday party for Aden. I remember taking Haleigh to Birmingham, and doing her fills. But ask me what my kids are learning in school or what projects we have done. Ask me how they picked their Halloween outfits. Ask me when we got them. Ask me about day to day happenings and I can tell you I don't remember a lot if it. I just can't seem to remember a whole lot.
I looked at Haleigh tonight watching Toy Story 3 and I thought... When did she get to almost 5 years old? I missed all of her 4th year. I was and still am grieving, most of the last year is just a blur of sadness and pain.
Come on 2014 what Cha got for me? 2012 and 2013 were hell! Give me a brake 2014, make it a good year. A year to remember.
Monday, November 4, 2013
When you think about heaven, what is it that you think of?
The bible says we will worship God forever and ever. It also talks about the new heaven and the new earth. And the streets paved with gold.
What do you think heaven looks like? Do you think we will know all of our loved ones that have pasted before us? What about our loved ones who were not believers? The bible says there will be no tears, no more fears, no more pain.
I have a hard time picturing what heaven looks like. I do believe that we will be with those who have passed before us. I do believe I will be in heaven one day. I believe that even though all of the people we love may not be there that we will not be sad, we will have peace about it. As hard as it may seem now, I beiieve that as truth.
I believe there will be Angels there. Showing us what heaven is about. I believe that there will be angels and loved ones there at the gate waiting for me when I walk through it.
I don't believe we ever become angels. Despite calling my babies angels I do realize they were so much more. Jesus died for them, just as he did for you and for me. He didn't do that for angels. But, they are there. Their little soles are there waiting for me. Wrapped in love by my grandparents and Jason's grandparents. Playing with some special friends children along with some family children. An aunt who I never met that died as a child and and uncle who Jason never met that died as a child. My 3 I imagine playing together in heaven playground, peacefully never knowing the pain this world has.
I hope they felt love for the short time I had them with me in earth. I know they know it now.
I have a hard time picturing what they look like. I always picture Joshua to be about 5 years old. In my dreams of him he is never a baby, always 5-6 years old. The girls are younger. I picture them to be about 2-3 years old always. I don't know if that is the age they will be in heaven or if they will appear younger or older. I do believe we are all at our perfect age, and I believe I will know exactly whom children are when I get there.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Friday, November 1, 2013
Yesterday was Halloween. I had a headache for the early part of the day. I believe it was allergies and over tiredness. I cooked dinner. Chicken n Rice. A favorite for my kids, (however it took me months to make it after I had Joshua. It's what I cooked the night my water broke with him. ) I then got them ready to go to the church fall festival and to trick or treat. While getting Haleigh in her pink bat girl costume. I began to think of Joshua. It should have been his first Halloween. I should be getting him dressed and needing a stroller. I should also be so big and pregnant with twins that I would need to drive and not walk a lot. But that was not what happened. I got my kids ready, pushed the thoughts of my lost little ones aside put a smile on my face and had a Happy Halloween.
I wondered as I put my children in bed last night if I would always have that cloud that hung over me tonight. If I would always be sad about what could have been with my children in heaven if they would have stayed here on earth with me. Will I ever truely enjoy a holiday again? I can't answer any of those right now, but I have hope that one day I will enjoy the things I use to enjoy. That even though I will always think of them that the pain will not be as intense as it is now. That I won't have to smile through it, instead I can smile because if it.
Until then though I will not let my children know how sad I was and will be. Especially with Christmas coming. They deserve a happy mother, who bakes cookies with them and sings frosty the snow man with a smile. And that's what I am going to do for them. But Joshua, Faith and Hope will always be there in my thoughts and in my heart. I will always wish they were here. I will always wish things were different.